ok I KNOW i shouldnt have done it, but i did and now what should I do about it?? HELP!!

[upsetandshocked]

I have been seeing my bf for about 6 months, i did something REALLY bad & looked through the texts on his phone. Don't know why really just found myself doing it. Much to my horror i found that he has been texting a girl he met last week saying how beautiful he thinks she is & would like to see her in the future
am seeing him tonight & supposed to be spending the weekend with him. He has acted completely normally with me & I am sure nothing actually happened between them when they met but obviously i feel that if he is doing that he cant really be into me.
feel sad, upset & a bit cross & dont know what to do or say
Please help

[bohemianbint]

How did it go?

[howtotellmum]

OP- I do hope you had a good discussion and that something good came out of it for you- let us know!

SGB- your opinion on marriage and monogamy is well known. perhaps there is a danger in making what suits you a generalisation, without foundation?

For example, to say that people want a secure and permanent relationship to give them some kind of "validation" is surely putting a cyncial slant, and using very emotive langauge, eg patholgically insecure, victim, bullshit,to say that what they are wanting is, simply, love- not the need to be "validated" ( by which I presume you mean they feel a nonentity unless they have a permanent partner?)

Do you feel that the need for love - to love and be loved- is some kind of pathological weakness?

It's not weakness or insecurity that makes people seek love- they are not looking for a "victim".

Women have been biologically programmed for about half a million years to want the man to stay around whilst they stay in the cave and he goes out to hunt. Of course, women nowadays have the option to do the hunting themselves, and some women are more "masculine" in their approach to relationships than others, but you can't wipe out half a million years of evolution and cerebral hard-wiring just like that.

OP- I think you are perfectly entitled t o hope you will find aman who will stick with you- it's what most men and women want, ultimately.

[SolidGoldBrass]

HTTM: and some people who demand monogamy are pathologically insecure and can only find validation through choosing a victim and devoting the rest of their lives to stopping that person having sex with anyone else. Sadly many more fall for the bullshit that monogamy is inherently 'better' than other ways of living one's life, attempt monogamy, get bored with it and then everything ends up with a lot of mess and hurt feelings which would not have happened had one or both parties been strong or smart enough to say, look, monogamy isn;t for me.
And swingers are frequently in their 50s, 60s and even older, and still having lots of fun.

[howtotellmum]

upset- I think most people want a mongamous relationship. But it's all a question of timing.

It's fine playing the field in your 20s 30s and 40s- but what about when you are older, grey and wrinkly? Somehow swingers parties won't have the same appeal.

I know that some people are proud to be not mongamous, but I wonder if a lot of people who have this life style do it as a defence to stop being hurt, or because they feel they can't find a committed partner?

I think most men are not monogamous by nature- yes, it is a gender thing- but do settle if they find the right person and they don't want to lose them ,and then hurt them.

If you want committment that's fine- but not sure if this man does. Maybe it's nothing to do with you, just the timing in his life.

Waiting to be screamed at, b imo a lot of people who play the field do so to have their egos boosted - they enjoy the frison of a new partner, and variety. Deep down they could be insecure.

Hope your conversation has gone okay!

[ridingjoker]

upset - people who play the field(and openly admit to not being monogamous) are usually not lonely at all. they usually have a very full and varied social life with a large network of friends and like having a choice of partners to be intimate with. they embrace their lifestyle and thoroughly enjoy themselves while doing it.


as SGB says, its not worse than your choice, just different.

[SolidGoldBrass]

UPsetandshocked. No. Playing the field is a valid life choice and works far, far better for people who are not monogamous than allowing themselves to end up in monogamous relationships out of inertia or boredom. By all means find a relationship that's right for you but don't fall into the trap of thinking that what you want is inherently superior to what other people want, it's just different.

[Worriedunfortunately]

Thought I'd throw my halfpenny in.

My DP was a bit of a shit when we were first together. He was amazing with my DD, I was newly divorced and vulnerable. He was still on dating sites even though telling me we were exclusive etc.

I found out through snooping and it led to one of the darkest periods of my life. I was absolutely gutted. He begged forgiveness, he hadn't actually been on any dates had just done a lot of heavy flirting online. I found it very difficult to forgive and get the trust back.

However, 4 years later (and couples counselling) and we are incredibly happy together and are awaiting the birth of our DC. The key for me was that he realised what he'd done was wrong and was willing to do anything to put it right (even going to counselling which isnt his kind of thing at all).

Not sure whether that helps at all, I think it really depends on what he says when you ask him about it. As SGB says if hes not into it hes just not into it. x

[upsetandshocked]

off for a cup of tea to steady my nerves....!
will keep you posted x

[upsetandshocked]

thanks for your words of support & no prob about thread hijack shine am cool to share!

am feeling in a bit of a flap already & he's not even here yet!! I do wonder if he will feel any differently when it's not all on his terms but if he doesn't then I have my answer don't I.

I know it's his right to play the field as a life choice if he wants, it just seems to me a rather shallow & ultimately lonely path to follow! Surely the togetherness of being a couple is worth more than a quick shag....?? or am i just old fashioned!!!!!

[howtotellmum]

" continuing a relationship in the hope that soeone will commit to you when they are showing no indication of wanting to do so is a waste of time and only ends in bad feeling all round."

well, not always. My Dh showed no inclination to commit for 2.5 years- then I started seeing oterh men and he wanted to commit instantly. Now been married 25 yrs.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Good luck. Try to be calm about it (and then come and have arant on here if you want to). There is nothing more unhealthy or demoralising than trying to make someone 'love' you or commit to you when that person doesn't want to. It's an utter waste of effort - effort which could be expended finding someone who does want what you want.

[blinder]

we crossed posts. that's the spirit!
come back and update us

[blinder]

The fact that you're a mum puts a slightly different spin on it for me Upset.

I was a single mum for a few years and sometimes settled temporarily for boyfriends that I was hoping would eventually become step-dad material. I should have had the opposite point of view I now realise. My standards needed to be HIGHER because I had a son.

SGB is right. Believe the guy when he says that his life choice is to play the field. That's his choice. But you have a choice too. What's best for you and the kids?

There is a lovely man out there who is worth investing in, and who, more importantly, wants the stability and commitment you want. In the meantime, take the medicine bus and get off at the next stop - which is a much nicer place than this. Honest!

[upsetandshocked]

i will talk to him, he is coming over tonight. i am not going to confess about the texts but i am going to sort this out so i know where i stand, i cant stand the agony of it any longer it's not healthy for me to feel this way about someone who doesnt feel the same for me or as MP says it will damage my self esteem.

[makipuppy]

Upset, I can only say, talk to him.

You sound like a lady who needs some closure in all this. If he says he doesn't want a monogamous relationship and is not willing to try to win back your trust, you must then believe him. Don't worry about telling him you snooped - if he throws that one in your face just say it's a separate issue and hardly the most important one under the circumstances.

But please sort it out or you'll damage your self-esteem.

[oliviasmama]

Come on U&S, tell him how it is, back off and see what happens. Your not happy since you found out about these text messages so do the right thing. I know how hard it must be bringing up children alone but if he lets you down further down the line and you've allowed things to go merrily on their way without addressing this situation, you only have yourself to blame.
.....IMO he can't be that great if he's doing this can he?

[SolidGoldBrass]

Look, you are not wrong for wanting a committed, exclusive relationship with someone. But you're not going to get it from this man. He has never offered it to you and doesn't want to.
It sounds like your best bet is to end it with him but in a friendly fashion. Do not make the mistake of telling him again that you want exclusivity and pushing for it, as what will happen then is he might promise it - but not deliver and you will always be waiting for him to start looking around again anyway and spend the whole relationship snooping and clinging and begging for reassurance, which is no way to live.

[upsetandshocked]

Thanks Shine I appreciate yours & everyone's support. SGB you are right he's not a complete shit, as you say he hasn't made any promises to me & I should have taken heed of his warning before i became attached (although these haven't been repeated time and time again).
Jux what you said about the pain/pleasure ratio makes sense at the moment.. and MP you are right I just cant "stagger" along anymore without saying something.
I cant accept a non monogamous relationship as i told him from the start & yes i cant make him want one if he doesnt. I wish things were different i truly thought we were going somewhere for a while there but this is always going to be on my mind now.. i feel like i am waiting for the day when he tells me he has met someone else, i feel like he feels i am not good enough for him & he is just filling in time with me. all that makes me really sad.
i am going to talk to him, thought i was seeing him tomorrow but cant now. am sad sad sad. x

[ridingjoker]

oh dear.

op, this man has told you he's not going to offer you a monogamous relationship.

you can either accept this and take what he's truthfully offered you from the start.

or move on if your going to get hurt by his actions

[SolidGoldBrass]

Look, sorry, but this man is not a complete shit. The OP has been closing her ears to the fact that he's not monogamous and just assuming that he will be, because she wnats him to be. A nicer man would have dumped her sooner on the grounds that she'd get hurt, but continuing a relationship in the hope that soeone will commit to you when they are showing no indication of wanting to do so is a waste of time and only ends in bad feeling all round.

[seeingclearly]

Dump him, he's obviously not committed to you.

In the light of experience, I'd give him a run for his money though and play along with him; find a way of dumping him to save your face. Don't confront him as you know where you stand now.

It's happened to all of us at sometime, at least you found out about it...

[makipuppy]

Hey upset why don't you talk to him?

He presumably did agree to be monogamous (you said you would not accept infidelity, right?). If he has 'repeatedly told you he won't be monogamous' then you're wasting your time. But I don't think this is the case as you seem pretty clear that you agreed on a faithful relationship.

Say you felt 'something was up'. You checked his mobile. You would like to know WTF is going on.

Just launch into a conversation, you've nothing to lose as you won't be happy to stagger along like this with so much on your mind.

You have to go into the conversation absolutely prepared to walk away and don't let him wriggle off the hook.

[BottySpottom]

Shiney - it doesn't have to be a disaster if he is a Christian. If you just wanted a shag, sucky-lippy chappy or penguin man would have been willing. I gather you want someone who will be honest with you too. Don't write him off automatically!

[Jux]

Oh dear. They've always been hurt before, and they're never good at relationships. I got stuck with one like that for a few years. I look back on it with astonishment now, how could I have been so stupid? And yet, he was such fun to be with and blah blah blah. Yes he was, but he was a shit as well.

My then bf said that while the pleasure outweighed the pain I'd stick with him, but when the pain outweighed the pleasure I'd dump him. True; but it took a long time and a lot (and I mean a lot) of pain.