ok I KNOW i shouldnt have done it, but i did and now what should I do about it?? HELP!!

[upsetandshocked]

I have been seeing my bf for about 6 months, i did something REALLY bad & looked through the texts on his phone. Don't know why really just found myself doing it. Much to my horror i found that he has been texting a girl he met last week saying how beautiful he thinks she is & would like to see her in the future
am seeing him tonight & supposed to be spending the weekend with him. He has acted completely normally with me & I am sure nothing actually happened between them when they met but obviously i feel that if he is doing that he cant really be into me.
feel sad, upset & a bit cross & dont know what to do or say
Please help

[Doha]

Thought penguin stuff was the funniest thing EVER.... would love another one.

Hey Shiney whenis ur blind date??? lol

[BottySpottom]

Hi Shineon - good to see you too. I have no doubt you will keep us all amused and amazed again after your blind date tomorrow.

So did you not see sucky-lippy man at all?

[upsetandshocked]

hello ladies

oh hell...well i am completely & totally useless & angry with myself... i did go round fri night determined i was going to finish things with him but ended up saying nothing & drank too much wine. we have spent the whole weekend together & i have said nothing. i cant quite believe i have done that and now i am home i feel despairing. i have GOT to take my head out of the sand & talk to him about how things are going but have never been able to. i am tongue tied. when we first got together he was very honest with me & said he is no good at relationships (he has been badly hurt before) he also said that he has slept with a lot of people in the past & was worried he might let me down which led to me saying that i was happy it just being a bit of fun but if he slept with anyone else it would be over.
i know this sounds really stupid but the thing is i have really fallen in love with him, we have so much fun together & he makes me laugh like no one ever has before. i am so happy when we are together & i miss him terribly when we are apart. up until the text thing i honestly thought things were going really well, he said he missed me & was texting me all the time & we spoke on the phone for an hour every day.
it makes no sense whatsoever but i suppose even at the risk of being hurt i would rather be with him the way things are than not be with him at all. i would be absolutely gutted if things ended. even as i am writing this i am crying because i KNOW this is madness as i KNOW deep down he doesnt feel the same, the whole text thing last week has made me realise that
sorry if this is a bit rambling & all over the place..

[upsetandshocked]

i really need to get a grip on myself dont i. life has been hard this last 2 years bringing up my 2 dc's on my own & although hw is not the first person i have seen he is the first i have had proper feelings for.

[upsetandshocked]

guess you are all shaking your heads in disbelief at how bloody rubbish i am.. and i wouldnt blame you i am doing the same! feeling tired & low think i am off to my bed & hopefully feel better tomorrow.

[ohtheindignity]

Oh dear - I am sorry, it is the worst feeling. But no good can come of it, you know this.

[MagNacarta]

I think a lot of us have done this sort of thing before, I know I did when I was younger. I suspect that when you've come out of a long term relationship, had dc's etc and then find yourself being single again you probably have to re-learn the rules. You have three options.

a. say nothing and carry on as you have so far.

b. fess up and talk to him about it.

c. leave.

Personally I think you shouldn't go for a.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad but this man has warned you - repeatedly - that he is not monogamous and will not be monogamous. You either have to accept this or end the relationship. Trying to make him be monogamous by crying, pleading or issuing ultimatums not only won't work but is actually unethical. He doesn't owe you monogamy when he has said he's not even offering it.

[Jux]

Oh dear. They've always been hurt before, and they're never good at relationships. I got stuck with one like that for a few years. I look back on it with astonishment now, how could I have been so stupid? And yet, he was such fun to be with and blah blah blah. Yes he was, but he was a shit as well.

My then bf said that while the pleasure outweighed the pain I'd stick with him, but when the pain outweighed the pleasure I'd dump him. True; but it took a long time and a lot (and I mean a lot) of pain.

[BottySpottom]

Shiney - it doesn't have to be a disaster if he is a Christian. If you just wanted a shag, sucky-lippy chappy or penguin man would have been willing. I gather you want someone who will be honest with you too. Don't write him off automatically!

[makipuppy]

Hey upset why don't you talk to him?

He presumably did agree to be monogamous (you said you would not accept infidelity, right?). If he has 'repeatedly told you he won't be monogamous' then you're wasting your time. But I don't think this is the case as you seem pretty clear that you agreed on a faithful relationship.

Say you felt 'something was up'. You checked his mobile. You would like to know WTF is going on.

Just launch into a conversation, you've nothing to lose as you won't be happy to stagger along like this with so much on your mind.

You have to go into the conversation absolutely prepared to walk away and don't let him wriggle off the hook.

[seeingclearly]

Dump him, he's obviously not committed to you.

In the light of experience, I'd give him a run for his money though and play along with him; find a way of dumping him to save your face. Don't confront him as you know where you stand now.

It's happened to all of us at sometime, at least you found out about it...

[SolidGoldBrass]

Look, sorry, but this man is not a complete shit. The OP has been closing her ears to the fact that he's not monogamous and just assuming that he will be, because she wnats him to be. A nicer man would have dumped her sooner on the grounds that she'd get hurt, but continuing a relationship in the hope that soeone will commit to you when they are showing no indication of wanting to do so is a waste of time and only ends in bad feeling all round.

[ridingjoker]

oh dear.

op, this man has told you he's not going to offer you a monogamous relationship.

you can either accept this and take what he's truthfully offered you from the start.

or move on if your going to get hurt by his actions

[upsetandshocked]

Thanks Shine I appreciate yours & everyone's support. SGB you are right he's not a complete shit, as you say he hasn't made any promises to me & I should have taken heed of his warning before i became attached (although these haven't been repeated time and time again).
Jux what you said about the pain/pleasure ratio makes sense at the moment.. and MP you are right I just cant "stagger" along anymore without saying something.
I cant accept a non monogamous relationship as i told him from the start & yes i cant make him want one if he doesnt. I wish things were different i truly thought we were going somewhere for a while there but this is always going to be on my mind now.. i feel like i am waiting for the day when he tells me he has met someone else, i feel like he feels i am not good enough for him & he is just filling in time with me. all that makes me really sad.
i am going to talk to him, thought i was seeing him tomorrow but cant now. am sad sad sad. x

[SolidGoldBrass]

Look, you are not wrong for wanting a committed, exclusive relationship with someone. But you're not going to get it from this man. He has never offered it to you and doesn't want to.
It sounds like your best bet is to end it with him but in a friendly fashion. Do not make the mistake of telling him again that you want exclusivity and pushing for it, as what will happen then is he might promise it - but not deliver and you will always be waiting for him to start looking around again anyway and spend the whole relationship snooping and clinging and begging for reassurance, which is no way to live.

[oliviasmama]

Come on U&S, tell him how it is, back off and see what happens. Your not happy since you found out about these text messages so do the right thing. I know how hard it must be bringing up children alone but if he lets you down further down the line and you've allowed things to go merrily on their way without addressing this situation, you only have yourself to blame.
.....IMO he can't be that great if he's doing this can he?

[makipuppy]

Upset, I can only say, talk to him.

You sound like a lady who needs some closure in all this. If he says he doesn't want a monogamous relationship and is not willing to try to win back your trust, you must then believe him. Don't worry about telling him you snooped - if he throws that one in your face just say it's a separate issue and hardly the most important one under the circumstances.

But please sort it out or you'll damage your self-esteem.

[upsetandshocked]

i will talk to him, he is coming over tonight. i am not going to confess about the texts but i am going to sort this out so i know where i stand, i cant stand the agony of it any longer it's not healthy for me to feel this way about someone who doesnt feel the same for me or as MP says it will damage my self esteem.

[blinder]

The fact that you're a mum puts a slightly different spin on it for me Upset.

I was a single mum for a few years and sometimes settled temporarily for boyfriends that I was hoping would eventually become step-dad material. I should have had the opposite point of view I now realise. My standards needed to be HIGHER because I had a son.

SGB is right. Believe the guy when he says that his life choice is to play the field. That's his choice. But you have a choice too. What's best for you and the kids?

There is a lovely man out there who is worth investing in, and who, more importantly, wants the stability and commitment you want. In the meantime, take the medicine bus and get off at the next stop - which is a much nicer place than this. Honest!

[blinder]

we crossed posts. that's the spirit!
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