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Original poster

Don't know what to do

44 replies

BerwickBarbara · 08/06/2009 11:04

Can anyone give me some friendly advice?
I've been married 19 years and we have 2 beautuful children, aged 12 and 9.
Recently a friend asked me to join Facebook. After I'd joined I started collecting a few "friends" for the site and asked my husband, as I know he uses Facebook for work. He kept forgetting to agree to "be my friend" and in the end I almost stood over him to get him to do it! Then when I looked at his profile, it turns out he is a member of a group which is a dating agency. He simply says he didn't realise he was part of this group and has had no dealings with it, but I don;t believe him. I mean - that's just not possible is it?
I feel like throwing him out. But we have two lovely kids who would be devastated.
Is it possible to join a singles group without realising it??
Or is he taking me for an idiot?
Any advice/support very gratefully received...I feel so sick and gutted.

OP posts:
ilove · 08/06/2009 11:06

erm...no...it isn't possible

Original poster
BerwickBarbara · 08/06/2009 11:07

No - I thought not.

OP posts:
whoisasking · 08/06/2009 11:10

Fairly unlikely that he's joined a "group" without realising what it is, BUT, there are applications on FB which can be a little misleading. For example I added the application "Are you interested?" which I didn't really understand was a sort of meat market for users, and I've never bothered to take it off!

I'm sure if I had a DH, which I haven't, he would be singularly unimpressed. So sorry to hear that this has hurt you so much. Have you told your DH how badly this is making you feel?

Original poster
BerwickBarbara · 08/06/2009 11:19

Oh yes. But he is sticking to his story. It just seems to fit with the fact that he seemed reluctant to let me see his Facebook profile and that also lately he has started losing weight and keeping breath freshener in his car. After 19 years of marriage these kinds of changes are odd!
He does give his status as Married, but ... that doesn't bother lots of people who join dating agencies, does it?
Would you stay with this guy? I feel that if I do I am being a mug, but if I chuck him out I will be ruining my kids' lives.

OP posts:
whoisasking · 08/06/2009 11:27

It sounds to me as if you have been having doubts and feeling suspicious prior to this discovery?

My XH cheated on me throughout our marriage, and so any advice I give tends to get a little skewed. I am going to try VERY hard not to do this now to you.

Your final sentence is very black and white IMHO. If you've been together for 19 years I really, really would recommend trying not to see things in such stark terms. Are you still in love with him? Are there any other problems in your marriage, or has this come as a bolt from the blue?

I would try not to make a knee-jerk reaction to something that could bear further investigation.

lou33 · 08/06/2009 11:31

i know i have been put on sites like that via fb that i didnt know about

TwoSunnyDays · 08/06/2009 11:37

If he uses it for work is it less likely he is using it to cheat, wouldnt it look bad for him at work if everyone know he was an adulterer?

mrsboogie · 08/06/2009 11:37

You are right not to want to throw it all away and upset your kids but is he similarly committed? Sounds like he needs and eye keeping on him at least and maybe a good talking to. If he is starting to think about looing for a bit of excitement perhaps he isn't thinking about where it could lead.

Maybe now is the tme to point that out to him. If he does get up to anything it won't be you devastating the kids - it will be him.

Perhaps the marriage needs a bit of revitalising? Do you still love him?

Original poster
BerwickBarbara · 08/06/2009 11:41

You're so kind to give me all this time and advice, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.
I think I've never been a very secure person so that doesn't help. I did have a very bad marriage when I was much younger when my husband was definitely cheating on me and we ended in a very acrimonious divorce. It hurt my older daughter (who's now an adult) very much.
I do love my husband but when I feel I am being lied to it's so hard to see past that. It seems to spoil everything else that's good. He is a good dad though.
The only other problems we've hard are that there was an issue with porn a few years ago - I'm sure that has stopped - and then I always feel he puts work before me and we sometimes have rows about that. But the dating agency thing was definitely a shock.
Lou33 - are you saying he may just be telling the truth?!

OP posts:
lou33 · 08/06/2009 11:43

i dont know tbh, maybe, but i do know that some apps then go on to automatically add you to others

but i think the fact you have other doubts is more telling really , and you know your relationship best

Overmydeadbody · 08/06/2009 11:52

You could always join the group too to have a quick look at whether or not he's ever actually posted on there? I don't know if this would necessarily clear anything up for you, as he could be using it just to prowl through the photos or contact people.

Original poster
BerwickBarbara · 08/06/2009 11:53

I wondered about doing that!
Not a bad idea.

OP posts:
lou33 · 08/06/2009 12:07

there are certain apps like owned, where you dont have to actually join as such

owned is like an auction site for pics, people can put theirs on and buy others

i could for example do a search for a friend , and if they are a member of fb i can "buy" one of their pics, even if they havent actively signed up for the app, if that makes sense

there are other ones that work on the same principle

tho you do seem to infer it isnt just that which is giving you cause for suspicion

i do hope there is an innocent explanation

Poppity · 08/06/2009 12:23

I agree with lou, it is possible he is telling the truth.

Is it an application or a group? You have to opt to join a group and it is more clear what you are joining, but it can be very misleading with applications.
People can send things out (like a quiz)to their friends, and if you answer it you have then added that application to your profile. I go to my profile and apps every so often and clear out all the crud now!

I also think it's agood idea to join yourself, then you can see what it is and whether it could be sinister.

It does seem you have suspicions anyway though, have you talked to him about those? There are lots of MNers who are skilled in the art of husband detecting, hopefully one of them will see this and give you some advice.

Poppity · 08/06/2009 12:27

Also, my DH would let me log in to his FB page without any issues at all(I upload photos or him, he struggles to work it out), would he be comfortable with that?

It would bother me if he wasn't tbh, but some people have different boundaries in their relationships(we know all passwords, open mail etc, never thought anything of it really), so I could be flamed for that!

Original poster
BerwickBarbara · 08/06/2009 12:37

No, to be honest I think he is a little secretive about his stuff (for instance his mobile has a password which I don't know)but I've never wanted to make an issue of it in case I look like a control freak.
I've never seen his e-mails and don't know his password for that either.
I am a bit naive about things like FB as you can tell!

OP posts:
TwoSunnyDays · 08/06/2009 12:43

The mobile with a password rings more alarm bells for me than fb! Why would he need a passord?

mayorquimby · 08/06/2009 12:51

i joined one by honest accident. it was an application which did something else as well (can't remember what) sent to me by a friend. and only when i started getting people trying to contact me did i figure out it was also a dating aplication for finding singles in your area. it was caled zoosk or zooks.
not saying this is what happened, just that it is a possibility with face bok as their are so many applications forwarded by people along with links etc.

Dalrymps · 08/06/2009 12:55

It's a diffucult one. The facebook issue alone could be true as I have added applications which have banners at the top and bottom of the screen saying 'x fancies you, click here to find out more' and sometimes when you are doing one thing on an application there are 2nd, fake 'continue' buttons that you can press by accident and they take you to dating applications.

To be honest though I would be more concerned about what your instincts tell you. He didn't want to add you as a friend (as a friend you get to see all he's up to on their apart from when he sends private messages). He's started acting differently (losing weight and usinf breath freshner), the breath freshner is a big ? for me.

Also the password on his phone, rare people have these unless they're hiding something. It could be as innocent as a naughty pic but I think you need to discuss these issues and try and work out whether you think he's telling the truth or not.

By the way, does your name refer to Berwick upon Tweed?

Ivykaty44 · 08/06/2009 12:57

This was the reason he didn't want you to join him as a friend as you would look at his profile and he would be caught out, then he says oh but I didn't know I belonged to that group.

Sadley you know the answer and it is really hurtful.

Until you first find out why he is on the group and then decide what you want to do about his joining the group and lies he is telling.

If he had joined you uyp no problem it could have been genuine but both is no coincidence

Poppity · 08/06/2009 13:10

I guess as he delayed being your friend, he could have removed that application first if he was worried about it, he had time, so perhaps that means it isn't anything to worry about?

But the mobile with a password? I would hate that, I don't think it's healthy to have things that are secret from your partner.

I hope you're ok, and I think you are probably right to be feeling a bit suspicious.

SolidGoldBrass · 08/06/2009 13:14

You need to talk to him and keep talking. Because it's possible that he is restless - however it's also possible that he resents what he percieves as a lack of privacy. You say you are insecure and you have stopped him looking at porn in the past: he may be feeling a bit controlled.
Basiclaly anyone who is insecure has a responsiblitiy to get a grip if in a relationship with a trustworthy partner, because it's maddening to live with and often destroys relationships (the partner gets so fed up with the snooping and the accusations that s/he either leaves or has an affair on the grounds that s/he might as well have the fun s/he is being accussed of having.)

AccioPinotGrigio · 08/06/2009 13:26

If I was wanting a secret, adulterous affair and had decided to join a dating agency to facilitate that, I don't think I would be advertising the fact on Facebook. That would be DUMB. Personally, I think he should be given the benefit of the doubt.

blinder · 08/06/2009 14:01

Why not just ask him for his facebook and phone passwords, given that he claims to be hiding nothing? You don't need to justify this but just see how he responds? How he deals with that request will probably tell you alot.

I am sure that your previous experience and its effect on your daughter doesn't help in this situation. Obviously you want to spare your younger children any pain. But if he IS dabbling in dating sites, it really does need nipping in the bud. It's possible to work it out within the marriage, providing you are both able to confront it honestly.

Good luck!

mayorquimby · 08/06/2009 14:24

"Why not just ask him for his facebook and phone passwords, given that he claims to be hiding nothing? You don't need to justify this but just see how he responds? How he deals with that request will probably tell you alot.
"

well not really. if my OH asked me these i'd ask her why she wanted them and doubt that i'd give them to her. have nothing to hide but i do believe in having privacy. it would have nothing to do with what she might see on there, unless she's very interested in my fantasy footbal league or stupid football jokes. but i wouldn't be able to see any reason why she'd need them unless she wasn't trusting me.so i'd look for a justification from her even though i'm doing nothing wrong.
i don't actively hide anything from her, but i'd resent the feeling of being checked up on.

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