Don't know what to do

[BerwickBarbara]

Can anyone give me some friendly advice?
I've been married 19 years and we have 2 beautuful children, aged 12 and 9.
Recently a friend asked me to join Facebook. After I'd joined I started collecting a few "friends" for the site and asked my husband, as I know he uses Facebook for work. He kept forgetting to agree to "be my friend" and in the end I almost stood over him to get him to do it! Then when I looked at his profile, it turns out he is a member of a group which is a dating agency. He simply says he didn't realise he was part of this group and has had no dealings with it, but I don;t believe him. I mean - that's just not possible is it?
I feel like throwing him out. But we have two lovely kids who would be devastated.
Is it possible to join a singles group without realising it??
Or is he taking me for an idiot?
Any advice/support very gratefully received...I feel so sick and gutted.

MQ is right. It's actually pretty destructive to insist on knowing everything your partner says, does, writes or thinks, snooping constantly and then whining about what you hear. I certainly wouldn't put up with it. That he wants some privacy from you doesn't inevitably mean that he is desperate to have sex with other people - it might mean that he is desperate for some privacy to think his own thoughts. It's not easy to tell from online messages, of course, but please consider the possiblity that you are irrationally jealous and should maybe work on getting over it rather than demanding more and more from your partner. Because the trouble with jealous people is that nothing a partner does is ever enough, so no one with any sense panders to an insecure partner.

I was recently being sent lots of emails by FB about dating and I hadn't knowingly joined any kind of dating service through it.
I think it's quite possible he didn't know, especially since now FB does not clearly list the groups you belong to any longer as far as i can tell.
I think you are jumping the gun by thinking about leaving him, but if your gut instinct tells you something might be going on then start asking some questions definitely. Suspecting and saying nothing could be damaging.

mayorquimby - I assume you don't belong to an online dating group...

By not leaving the group he has already given OP reason to doubt him. I think asking for access to his profile is entirely justified and I imagine he will be happy to put her mind at rest if it was a silly error on his part.

Solidgold - I don't think it's helpful to assume that the OP is insecure OR whiny. And no-one has suggested that she should try to learn his every thought. If such a thing could even be possible, it would be a complete waste of time. This is a really unhelpful exaggeration of a simple suggestion.

Why is it that it's usually the woman who has to defend herself?

BLinder: it isn;t helpful to assume that the DH must be cheating, either. There was IMO a suggestion of insecure whininess in the posting - of course we don't know one way or the other, but some people are irrationally jealous and should be told to get a grip, not encouraged to snoop further.

I agree that it's wrong to assume either way, but the OP is wondering (quite rationally IMO) whether her partner's belonging to an online dating group is a bad sign.

My suggestion was an effort to find a compromise. Perhaps he would be happy for her to have access to his profile and his phone - which would put her mind at rest. Am I alone in thinking this is a reasonable request given the circumstance?

Anyway, whether or not you take the suggestion Berwick - I do wish you all the best with this difficult situation. As Solidgold says, none of us can know for sure what the situation is.

I have a password on my mobile and i'm faithful to my husband - if that is any consolation?

I am also friends with ex's on fb, as is my dh.

well blinder i did say earlier on that i managed to join one on facebook by complete accident so he could be telling the truth. i don't know how to get it off as it was something to do with photos and i'm shit with computers.but by editing my profile to not include my location it means i no longer get any messages from it as it was based on location.
as i said earlier i wouldn't give my OH my passwords if she asked as it would be obvious she didn't trust me and i'd want that dealt with before i did anything else.and i have nothing to hide

I had a very innocent application on fb (I think it was 'my aquarium'). They sent me an email saying they were changing to a dating service and I would be automatically made a member.

So yes, it is possible to be a member of a dating group on fb unintentionally.

Like some of the other posters here though, I would find his secrecy in general a bit odd.

I am another who joined a dating site (zoosk) by accident on facebook. I tried to add a different application, something about friends having sent me messages then when I finished I realised I had bloody joined Zoosk. I have left it cos can't be bothered how to work out how to get rid of it & just ignore any messages I get.

I have absolutely NO intention of cheating on my DH but he could think it weird if he saw that!

I'm not sure that it is the dating site you necessarily have to worry about as I cannot see anybody married planning extra marital affairs so transparently on their facebook page, its the other stuff I would be concerned about. The password, secrecy etc.

Though I also agree with the poster who said he may password stuff, be defensive due to the previous issue you have had with him looking at porn. Am not saying its right, but maybe he feels that he has to be more secretive about the things he does as he is not 'allowed' to do some of the things he may like. (Obviously joining a dating group wilfully would be inexcusable).

My DH really finds privacy very important and I am prone to insecurity (with reason through his actions in the past) and it is a fine line between seeking reassurance & appearing controlling. We have not yet got the balance right but heres hoping.

I put a friend app on my facebook page and it automatically added a zoosk dating app thing!! I would never ever do anything like that. I didn't even know it was there. DH pointed it out to me and was more than a little annoyed.

It's very easy to delete these things though, if they are 'mistakes'.........has he?

Is there anything else there to raise suspicions? Who is on his friends list!?

Hi all
Thanks for all this advice. I've found most of it reassuring and helpful.
Yes, I do have strong views on porn and I'm not going to apologise for that, however much the male contributors will hate me for it.
Whiney and insecure? Well -insecure, yes. I admit it. It comes from coming third to porn stars and work in my DM's list.
Whiney - only when there's something to whine about, honestly.
I need privacy myself - like when I'm going to the loo or something. I don't need to keep my texts and e-mails private because there's nothing there to be misinterpreted or questioned.
I have a lot of hard thinking to do but I really appreciate the advice and support.

If he's a member of a group then he could quite feasibly have done that by mistake. I have managed to get on to SocialMe and Zoosk without knowing how I did it. Also there are some cleverly disguised adverts which are made to look like FB messages which when you click on to them turn out to be dating sites.
Not saying he is definitely innocent though, if he has added you as a friend now you can keep an eye on him through that but the best thing to do IMO is just to sit down and talk to him.

BB: THing is, people vary in how much privacy they need. A person can honestly not want to share all their correspondence with a partner without that meaning that they are off having sex with other people. I wouldn't let a partner read my emails or monitor my phone calls, for instance.
Please bear in mind that this doesn't necessarily sound like a case of you are right and he is wrong - he is entitled to his thoughts and feelings and a level of privacy that he is comfortable with and actually you need to discuss it properly and compromise. What jumped out at me was that you 'stood over him' and insisted he added you to his FB account: I wouldn't stand for that myself.

hmmmmmmm

Personally I would be suspicious.

I am on fb, my partner knows my password - I doubt he's ever checked it but I have made it absoluelty clear that if he ever felt the need to or felt insecure then he can at any time because, quite simply, I have nothing at all to hide.

We share an email account for ease - I do have a separate one for emails to/from my ex (we have a child together) but it is linked to out joint one so he could easily check it if he wanted to.

We both leave our phones lying around, neither have passwords and as I am a sahm I open all the post and deal with it.

We have nothing to hide and tbh I really don't understand the issue others might have with this.

I wouldn't say anything in an email/on the phone etc about my dp that I wouldn't say to his face so feel there is nothing he can stumble upon that would upset him........

I have never checked dp's phone as I am totally secure in our relationship - mainly because we are both so open.

I would ask for his password and explain was I was feeling insecure if I were the OP. I would explain how it would make me feel better to reassure myself that he was being honest given the nature of the application and that it would really put my mind at rest. I would ask to have it there and then and if he refused......well, why would he??

Just my opinion!

SG

That's ok solid, but you probably wouldn't have delayed in adding your partner as a friend for no apparent reason either. The OP only did that after feeling uncomfortable that her DH was avoiding adding her. She has a few things she is uneasy about, not just the facebook thing, and they are recent changes. People often become more insecure in response to a perceived shift in their partner's behaviour.

Hope things are ok and you have managed to talk to him BB.

I think refusing to let your partner see your emails is a bit defensive tbh. Like supagirl, although I don't feel the need to see my partner's mail, I doubt if he would object if I asked, and vice versa. In fact, I did plunder his email account in order to arrange a surprise party for him a couple of years ago, inviting family and Uni friends from his address book. When I was later able to explain how I had managed to trace everyone, it wouldn't have crossed his mind to be suspicious or resentful of me. Trust works BOTH ways. If I need access to his mail, I need access. Nothing to get paranoid about!

Surely it's a question of what the couple decides is most comfortable and appropriate. The OP isn't comfortable at the moment so it is in the couple's interests to sort this out. One possible solution is more transparency in the relationship.

BB is this something you've been able to discuss with DH - obviously the final solution will come from both of you.

Blinder: yes, what the couple decides is what matters, yet this means that the OP's DH is entitled to have his viewpoint heard as well, and that his need for privacy matters as much as her need for reassurance, they have to work out a compromise.