This is the most selfish, self-indulgent stufff I have ever written.

[twistedtempted]

Posted about this a few weeks ago, and I am so ashamed of myself because I pretty much ignored the advice.

Since being in touch with this man (was madly in love with him for yrs before dh), we have been emailing each other/flirting every day. I really don't want to cheat on dh. We have a seemingly perfect marriage; he is kind, a great father and we have everything in common.

But this how I am feeling at the moment...

I can't stop thinking about this other, it feels like I'm physically aching for him. He has been on my mind every second of the day to the point where I feel I can't think straight anymore. I can barely sleep, and spring out of bed eager to 'talk' to him again every day .

Have lost all interest in food, and feel like I'm just going through the motions of family life in a trance. Worst of all I can feel myself starting to resent dh. I feel ridiculously 'high' and sick at the same time, and spend most days in a daydream.

I love my life with dh and feel I have everything I ever wanted, and would never want to lose that, but I also feel quite trapped by it all too?!

I don't want an affair, I really just crave one eveining spent with this man, like it used to be before, and I feel gutted that I can't. How pathetically spoilt does that sound?

I love dh with all my heart but have never experienced that 'butterflies in stomach' feeling with him - feels so trecherous just writing that!

I seriously doubt me and the other man would ever have a proper relationship so it's not as though I can imgaine that. He represents all of the fun I used to have before...and I want some of that back too.

Surely I should never even think these things if I truly love dh?

I know I am being a horrible person, my head is a total mess.

I had a sort of half similar experience on a couple of fronts. I left my long term (10 years) partner after meeting and falling for another man. Slightly different circumstances - we weren't married, no children just a mortgage together. I justified leaving my ex on the basis that if things had been right between us then I wouldn't have seen the prospect of a new life with another fella as what I really wanted.

Despite having the courage of my convictions I felt so guilty about leaving my ex that I contacted him a lot without telling new DP because I wanted to stay friends with him (i.e. check regularly that he didn't hate me for what I'd done to him - and in fairness we were v good chums which was part of the reason for the split as I felt we were friends not lovers). DP found out and expressed significant disapproval. I tried to reason with him about my rationale to no avail, he said the guy is your ex, there is no reason to be in touch with him in secret. I told DP every time I spoke to my ex about the house, etc., but still kept some contact secret - the stuff DP wouldn't have approved of like the 'do you remember when' and the in-jokes and the sleeve tugging to make sure he still didn't hate me.

Anyway long story shortened, DP found out about secret contact and it was a 'him or me' situation. I had to decide why it was that I seemingly needed to contact my ex behind DP's back and whether it was important enough to risk my new relationship with someone I adored. The reasons were not good enough and always amounted to me putting my feelings first before my DP's. I thought I was entitled to do as I chose and contact whomever I pleased and to hell with DP's feelings. Boy what a comprehensive lesson in growing up and acting your age this has been for me!!

I still get half tempted to contact ex-P every now and again - he's on the fringes of my friendship group having started a relationship with an old schoolfriend of mine - but I bring myself up short and ask myself what are you expecting to gain from it? Assuage my guilt? I have to live with what I've done. Have a laugh with an old friend? I can do that with anyone. Feel like I'm still fancied by someone other than my DP? A short-term ego boost only.

I ask my DP if he loves me, he says millions, billions and trillions. No secret meeting with another man is ever going to come close to that.

you 2 are tragic

I spent a few years where you are OP. I fell for someone I worked with. I had been married a year and had lived with DH before that for 4 years. It was so intense. I even left work because of it and moved to a job nearer home. Things went too far I am ashamed to say but that at least gave my the sharp kick up the arse I needed to end it. I still missed him like crazy and thought about him all the time. But it passed. It will for you.

I agree with what Rhubarb said entirely. If you go and meet this man you are already disrespecting (I was going to say, betraying, but that sounds a bit strong) your DH.

It's like that Joan Armatrading song line "You make me lie, when I don't want to, and make someone else into some kind of unknowing fool"

You owe it to your DH to have chance to sort this out.

Don't do it.

"mine" texted me today and it has pissed me off big time. I have replied making it very clear how things are.

Just fix your marriage or leave and be on your own for a while but don't start an affair.

Well, i think my H could have written this last year, except his was with a woman he worked with and had a crush on. And he did follow it through after all the lovey texts and emails and had his one night with her.

A year on and having had his family broken to bits by it then tentatively put back together again, if you asked him if he wished he'd never set eyes on her then he would (and has) say yes. His and her kids suffered psychological problems as a result, too.

For me, I have been through the worst pain I can imagine. For gods sake, have some thought for your kids and dh. How would you feel if he was doing this behind your back and you found out? What if he read all of your chats - because that could happen, and it sounds like if he already got his hands on some of what has been exchanged then that would be it for your relationship, and quite rightly too.

You are a grown woman addicted to a pathetic fantasy that won't last and has the potential to cause unimaginable pain to the people you should care about most. Yet all you care about is yourself and your desire to feel like a teenager again. Selfish, selfish - you cannot treat people like this.

And ask yourself - what sort of man would break up a family. Not a nice one, that's for sure.

I don't believe one 'fix' would be the end of it. I think the more you got the more you would want because this 'first flush of love' feeling is like an addiction - nature's addiction to get you to bond with a mate.

Maybe the part of you that really wants him is looking for reasons why it would be a good idea and this is fighting with the part of you that knows logically that it is not a good idea. Trust the logical side because the other side is just a primitive trick of nature. It makes you feel it is right but don't believe it, it won't make you happy.

You seem discontented with your marriage and like you are wondering whether it could have been better with someone else. Maybe what you have got is the best, you just don't know that because you don't know what it would be like with someone else. I used to feel like I wanted to be sure that this was the best I could get and that I wasn't trapped into something that wasn't the best life I could have. But when I looked around at people, I couldn't see any one who had a relationship I would rather have than my own. So I decided that the perfect fantasy relationship in my head probably doesn't exist and that being reasonably happy is enough. I think that believing everything must be perfect and can be perfect and that you should always strive for it to be perfect or your life is a failure is an illness of modern society. It doesn't have to be perfect to still be good and nice. And perfect doesn't exist so you would be searching and searching for something that doesn't exist. It would be such a relief to stop doing this and enjoy what you have got!

You seem like you don't feel sure the relationship you have got is the best one you could have because you didn't feel the 'butterflies in the stomach'. Like someone else said, how much does this matter? You miss that excited high you got with the start of new relationships in the past and mourn it's passing with your youth and I think this is quite common and normal. If you went with the OM, you would get that high again, but for a limited time because it doesn't last forever. Then the relationship would probably develop into a similar one to what you have now. If you wanted that high every couple of years or whatever, you would have to keep ending relationships and starting new ones and I don't think that would make you happy long term.

Look at the positive points of the alternative, that you stay with your marriage and feel a degree of happiness with that, but a lower level happiness which lasts long term. I see it as finding a 'middle way' which keeps you reasonably happy long term rather than seeking 'highs' all the time which are always followed by 'lows'. After a while you realise you don't like those 'lows', they feel awful, so you can decide to forgo the 'highs' and settle for a middle way where you don't have to experience the 'lows'.

Sorry to write so much, I'm just writing down all the thoughts I can think of that made me feel better when I went through a similar thing.

Good luck, I hope the pain passes soon.

Right well I have ENORMOUS sympathy for the OP.

I had an ongoing "slow burn" thing with someone dating back from when I was fourteen (and long before I met my husband).

Unfortunately we couldn't do anything about it - he was my teacher.

I never knew for sure how he felt about me - he wasn't married and did seem to single me out for attention and of course, looking back it was completely obvious but he didn't want to take a risk.

I just LOVED him and somewhere in my heart I was sure we would end up together but by the time I was 17 (and in the sixth form) I decided that surely he would have said something by that point and that I must have got it wrong. I then started dating this other bloke and he (the teacher) was quite off hand with me for some time.

I went to university and we continued to write to one another. I was away for 7 or 8 years and returned with the same boyfriend and we bought a house in our home town.

As soon as I came back home (aged 25), there he was, back in my life. He would drop around or come for lunch or come for dinner when my boyfriend was at work and well, we sort of admitted how we had always felt about each other.

It was the most thrilling and the most destructive period of my life. I never slept with him but took things too far in other respects and was so caught up in the heady feelings after all those years that I simply couldn't think straight.

We cooled things off after a couple of months (and a long chat). I was disappointed at the time because it all felt so unfinished (I mean, that was 12 years of unfinished business) but he said it didn't feel right.

I came to terms with it and realised he just wasn't the bloke I'd always thought he was. He was weak and really not a patch on my boyfriend at the time - who I very nearly lost.

In a way, I wish I had slept with him but really, I didn't need to sleep with him to realise he wasn't the man I thought he was. He disapppointed me in so many ways without it needing to go that far and that was probably for the best (actually I think he would have been RUBBISH in bed as well!!!).

That was all 9 years ago. I'm now married with two children and living a happier life than I ever would have lived with him. He came to my wedding and looked at me with such a "look" as I walked up the aisle. I remain friends with him and am fond of him (and am probably one of his closest friends) but I realise now that I just had an image or idea of him that wasn't really the truth and that I came very close to losing everthing that has subsequently made me happy.

I am SURE that your idea of him is better than the true picture and I would advise you to wait it out, let it pass and stay away. You will be glad you did.

Thank you for these replies, I appreciate the honesty of them.

Think it would feel so much easier if it was someone I'd just met, it's all the past stuff I never got over which make this so hard. I feel quite bitter really that we never even got to stay friends. Sounds absurd I know.

Youhave all my sympathy.
I can only tell you what happened to me.
I made contact with an ex many years back- though at the time we had not met for 20 years- we had been engaged and he broke it off- felt he was too young.

We had a reunion drink one evening after a few very long phone chats. This spilled over into an affair, though we only met once every few months, though talked often. This went on for about 2 years. My DH knew I was seeing him, but thought we were "just friends". Not proud of that, but it's how it was. I was in a bad place with my marriage and really didn't care that much about the "guilt". I could only see my Dh's faults.

I was where you are now- desperate to be with him and leave my DH. He was married but unhappily and no children.

I was married but had always had doubts about my DH and was not certain my marriage would work.

In the end, he backed off to "save my marraige" although years later he said that if I had left my Dh he would have left his wife and pursued me, but he would never have asked me to leave my family for him.

I could not leave my DH and kids- mainly because I felt the OM didn't want me enough- and all along he was doing the "noble" thing by keeping away!

He did divorce his wife eventually and after 5 years on his own, he remarried- during which time we talked but did not rekindle the affair- I could have "had him". But I chose not to for my DCs sakes.

The outcome of this is that we still talk and still care deeply for each other. we have discussed the what ifs and also talked about whther it is too late- which it is now.

What I am saying is that friendship can occasionally come out of what you have, but it takes a lot of effort and understanding.
I have had to come to terms with him divorcing and re-marrying, when it could have been me!

All I can say to you is if this man in your life is free, then are you willing to take a chance and go for it? or is he not free and never will be?

I regret in many ways being too afraid to take a leap, although it means my DCs had a stable home...but I am not totally happy and still look back.

Don't expect this will help at all..but hope so!

Thanks for sharing that mrsempathy .

My situation is a little different in that yes the om is very much single, but he is sooo not a ready replacement for dh. Can't ever see that being the case. In many way that is why this whole situation is so pointless.

Do you have a job or other outside interests? 'Cos it sounds to me (having posted on your other thread too) like pretty much all you do during the day is text/email this bloke.

It is all a fantasy that you have built up in your head, and this bloke is playing you. Honestly - you've built it up to the romance of the century and I bet all he wants is a shag.

I think that you should stop all contact with this bloke and find something else to fill your time.

I think that you want 'us' to give you permission to go with your heart ... but seriously it would be one big fuck up.

I'm being cruel to be kind here, but please grow a pair and do the right thing!!!

It would definitely be a massive fuck up. He is already stealing time and attention from your kids as you are spending so much time on email and texting.

And soon you will start treating your H like crap because you resent him for not being the OM - I have been on the receiving end of this and it was the hardest thing to forgive out of the whole (pointless) affair.

Feel good about the fact that he still likes you but leave it at that. And next time he gets in touch, before you reply fill your head with images of your H telling you he hates you and walking out of the door. Keep going and that'll happen.

OP_ why is he not a ready replacement?

I think you are maybe believing that True Love is the solution to everything in life when it isn't. Whoever you have dinner/conversation or sex with, you are still yourself, and exchanging one partner for another won't make any difference to who you are.
Obviously if a person is in an abusive or horrible relationship, getting out of that relationship will make the person feel better and is the right thing to do, but you get out of a bad relationship for yourself, a new partner isn't necessary nor even advisable.

twistedtempted - how are you feeling this morning?

Hi fbg, thanks for asking. I have to say I'm feeling a bit more level-headed since reading some of these replies. Don't think anything has been said on here that isn't completely bang on.

I don't want to change who I am - don't even think I am looking for some great romance. Just that shallow, selfish feeling that you get before you have responsibilities to other people.

This would not have happened if it had been anyone else. He has always been that first wound that never went. DO you know that Sheryl Crow song 'Home'? That's how I feel.

Before I read this I read something someone ekse ha dposted to me and I was thinking the same thing. This wouldn't have happened with anyone else. I wouldn't even want an email from any of my other exes.

someone else had posted to me...

Also it isn't as simple as looking to your dh for what this om gives you. It isn't possible.

Thanks fbg, I appreciate you posting .

Are you able to tell me about what happened in the end with your situation?

It dragged on and on. Neither of us could make the break. I saw someone who helped me work out why he had such a hold over me and meant such a lot to me. It all immediately made sense and he fell of his pedestal. Then I chatted to someone in a similar situation and it all came back to me again. It is always on the surface, sometimes nearer than other days. Saw a sign for his company a few days ago and that was him on my mind again.

I totally and utterly love my husband and are in love with him. I clock watch until he comes home. I would never want to be without him.

If I was free, I would be with this guy but I just wanted to be friends - better than nothing - but that doesn't work for me and him and it all hurts a lot with some highs too.

Cold turkey. Hard but the only way sadly.

Thank you. So you have bascially just learned to put him to the back of your mind? Did your dp know about him?

DH knew it all.

Nope, he isn't at the back of mind. He is on it most days, but not as much as before. If I am honest I want to see him.

I also have a lot of symapthy with the OP - I have been in a very very similar situation.

A guy I had met when I was travelling got back in touch as we were both living in London. We met up with mutual friends from travelling a few times back in London, and I reaslied I had a HUGE crush on him still, although I was very very happy and in love with my DP (we had been together around 8 yrs)

It got to the point where I couldnt stop obsessing about this man - I was constantly dreaming about him, fantasising about him etc etc. We would meet up for drinks and the chemistry was so incredibly intense - literally magnetic - we would brush hands I would feel like I had been given an electric shock! I knew I had to make a choice - I could either completely stop seeing him or we would end up having an affair.
One night we met up - just the 2 of us (which was unusual). i knew by even going meet him I was almost givng myself permission to cheat on my lovely DP. We met and got drunk and went to a hotel for the night and had sex. The sex was good - not amazing but not bad. I told DP I was staying at a friends. I left the hotel the following morning and knew I wouldnt see him again. I had completely and utterly got him out of my system.

That was around 2 years ago - DP and I are now TTC and I have literally never been happier in our relationship. He does not know about the night in the hotel. I am not proud of what did atall, a cannot imagine now what must have been going through my head, but all I know is after that night I sped obsessing about him and all those lustful feelings went.

This is just my experience - I am NOT suggesting you go out and get it out of your system at all - disclaimer! But it worked for me - if the night in the hotel had never happened I might always wonder. We didnt have children so I guess that a factor too.

twistedtempted - how are you feeling today? Have you made any decisions?