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Original poster

This is the most selfish, self-indulgent stufff I have ever written.

102 replies

twistedtempted · 01/06/2009 14:47

Posted about this a few weeks ago, and I am so ashamed of myself because I pretty much ignored the advice.

Since being in touch with this man (was madly in love with him for yrs before dh), we have been emailing each other/flirting every day. I really don't want to cheat on dh. We have a seemingly perfect marriage; he is kind, a great father and we have everything in common.

But this how I am feeling at the moment...

I can't stop thinking about this other, it feels like I'm physically aching for him. He has been on my mind every second of the day to the point where I feel I can't think straight anymore. I can barely sleep, and spring out of bed eager to 'talk' to him again every day .

Have lost all interest in food, and feel like I'm just going through the motions of family life in a trance. Worst of all I can feel myself starting to resent dh. I feel ridiculously 'high' and sick at the same time, and spend most days in a daydream.

I love my life with dh and feel I have everything I ever wanted, and would never want to lose that, but I also feel quite trapped by it all too?!

I don't want an affair, I really just crave one eveining spent with this man, like it used to be before, and I feel gutted that I can't. How pathetically spoilt does that sound?

I love dh with all my heart but have never experienced that 'butterflies in stomach' feeling with him - feels so trecherous just writing that!

I seriously doubt me and the other man would ever have a proper relationship so it's not as though I can imgaine that. He represents all of the fun I used to have before...and I want some of that back too.

Surely I should never even think these things if I truly love dh?

I know I am being a horrible person, my head is a total mess.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 01/06/2009 15:53

twisted in a perfect world you would see him come to terms with things thank god for what you do have and get closure.IN A PERFECT WORLD

Original poster
twistedtempted · 01/06/2009 15:54

fbg can I ask you a personal question? Did you feel the same way about your dh, was there ever that same spark?

OP posts:
FabulousBakerGirl · 01/06/2009 15:57

Not in the same way as with this other guy but that doesn't bother me as that couldn't be replicated by anyone and my DH is the much better man.

In the early days though, I remember almost floating to work when I thought about my DH. We only saw each other at weekends to start and I would be literally counting the days until I saw him.

Now, I count the hours until he comes home.

muffle · 01/06/2009 16:02

I think it's OK to have a crush... but you must see it for what it is. Seeing him would probably be a disappointment. The point about crushes and fantasies is that they are only attractive because you project everything you could desire onto this person - for you, a feeling of romance and butterflies etc. It cannot live up to that in real life and would almost certainly be horrible. If you have a DH who has lasted the course and who things are good with, that's because he's a quality man and you have a worthwhile relationship - and finding that again is not easy.

Try to have a "negative fantasy" - think through exactly what would happen if you followed this through. Think of the awful pain you would cause, your children's feelings, the guilt, and the hollow realisation that he wasn't perfect after all, in fact nowhere near as great as your own DH, but you have thrown it all away and it's too late. I don't say this because I think marriage is sacred or anything (- I'm totally for women leaving bad relationships) - but because it's the truth about most affairs.

Original poster
twistedtempted · 01/06/2009 16:11

So what about meeting him for a drink (assuming that I am perfectly able not to 'do' anything silly)?

We used to be good friends...

OP posts:
noddyholder · 01/06/2009 16:16

Why do you want to meet him it won't achieve anything?

muffle · 01/06/2009 16:16

Hmmm I really wouldn't, but if you are 100% sure it would lay the whole thing to rest... are you? I can't see it myself.

You have to ask - what's his motive here? He knows you're happily married doesn't he? And if so, then your exciting OM is actually a lowlife for considering endangering a marriage with DCs.

"Snap out of it" sounds harsh but I think it is possible to "snap" out of this kind of situation and come to your senses.

FabulousBakerGirl · 01/06/2009 16:18

are you telling your dh you are meeting an ex?

FabulousBakerGirl · 01/06/2009 16:19

I disagree with muffle but we are both entitled to our opinions. Different people = different experiences = different opinion.

Sensitivechildminder · 01/06/2009 16:19

I have a happy marriage too, 2 gorgeous ds...but can't help lurking at my (single) neighbour...he's not beautiful but he's got something...no, he is really cute and so friendly...but that stops there...dh knows about it, we joke about it..I love DH, he gave me 2 gorgeous ds !!!

Rhubarb · 01/06/2009 16:20

I've done this too. Last year there was a guy at work, looked a bit like Daniel Craig, younger than me, fabulous body, out of my league.

To my astonishment he seemed to like my company. We sat next to each other every lunchtime, had drinks together (with dh's permission). But I realised that I was getting a crush on him. Every other woman in our dept was over him like a rash, yet I was the one he chose to spend time with, so that was hugely flattering. BUT there were negatives. If I'd had an affair with him, I would never be able to trust him. What kind of man would sleep with a married woman? Having met her husband and kids? He was also a bit too full of himself, conversations were largely about him. Selfish too, he'd phone to ask if I would go for a drink with him at teatime, he knew I had kids but his thoughts weren't for them or dh, just that he wanted someone to get pissed with.

Fantasies are often much better than realities. I would never have had an affair with this man or even kissed him, I love dh far too much for that. Ok, it might get stale at times, it might lack that excitement, but dh is my best friend, we've had kids together, shared our lives/experiences, been there for each other. No other man could even get close to dh. And if you did embark on this relationship, how long before that becomes stale? Before you start to get irritated by the fact that he wears socks in bed or clips his toenails whilst you're eating?

Have a heart to heart with your dh. Try to put some excitement back into your marriage, remind yourself of the qualities he has that made you fall in love with him. This other man isn't worth the ruination that would surely follow an affair.

Original poster
twistedtempted · 01/06/2009 16:20

Noddy - I feel like I need to...oh don't worry I know hoe pathetic that sounds.

muffle - I do need to snap out of it, just don't know how! Maybe as someone else suggested it would give me 'closure'.

OP posts:
FabulousBakerGirl · 01/06/2009 16:21

I also thought seeing him would help.

Either no chemistry and that is that or we still felt the same and I would have to deal with it.

muffle · 01/06/2009 16:22

Yes FBG and unlike you I haven't been there myself - my feelings about affairs come from what I've seen friends go through. It rarely makes anyone happy to have an affair IME.

muffle · 01/06/2009 16:25

I don't think you can get closure by seeing him, for the simple reason that I don't think your feelings are about him - they're a projection of your desires and everything you miss about youth and romance and excitement, and you could project them onto anyone suitable sexy and unavailable - that's normal I think. But I think the way to snap out of it is to see that clearly.

Original poster
twistedtempted · 01/06/2009 16:27

So what did you fbg; did you see him??

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 01/06/2009 16:27

Seeing him would put you in the way of temptation, it also leads him on too because he'll be thinking that, no matter what you say, he's free to take things further.

I think you owe it to your dh to be honest with him. You might think that the marriage is stale, that you've never had feelings for your dh like this, but doesn't he deserve a chance to put things right? You might meet this other man and nothing happen, but you are still lying and deceiving if you don't tell your dh. Whatever problems there are in your marriage, they can be fixed, and if they can't then at least you say that you tried, and you didn't betray your own self-respect. But how would you ever live with yourself if temptation got too much and something happened? How would you feel? The guilt would consume you.

You know what the right thing to do here is. I hate to say it, but right now you are only thinking of yourself. You aren't thinking of your dh, your kids or even the other guy, you are just thinking of your needs and your wants and you are placing them above the potential hurt they could cause others.

You don't want to be that selfish person. Meeting him will achieve nothing good.

FabulousBakerGirl · 01/06/2009 16:28

only in a photo

noddyholder · 01/06/2009 16:28

What would you do if you saw each other and both felt the same? Then you would have that to deal with.This seems to be about the fact that you haven't had that heart stopping knee tembling thing with your dh which depending on what sort of person you are may be v v important.

HappyWoman · 01/06/2009 16:35

i really wasnt suggesting she goes ahead - in fact i was just trying to argue the live for today and make it sound so pathetic.

Affairs cause pain for all involved in my opinion and experience.

There is nothing wrong with meeting up with him if you are totally honest with yourself for your motives, and if you are being so then you will want to tell your dh what you are doing.

It is ok to have a crush on someone else too - and i share this with my dh.
Fantasies are great too - as long as they dont impact on your life and it seems as if this one is.

I dont know how to snap out of it except to say think of all the negatives you can.

If he is willing to meet up then he really is a bit of a low life too imo. especially if he knows you are happily married.

What if you meet up and you are still not over him? Will it take just one more time.......?

TitsalinaBumsquash · 01/06/2009 16:39

I agree with muffle, is it actually about the OM or is it just a projection of your feelings that your not 100% happy with DP? Could you not spend some quality time with DP, do the things you used to before the kids and try and create some sort of lust?

No good can come of havng an affair with this man and if you truley loved your DH like you say you do then you wont act, you will walk away and cut ties with OM.

FabulousBakerGirl · 01/06/2009 16:41

It isn't that simple though.

In my case. I do really love my husband but there is more to it that just that.

TT I would say think very very carefully as there is no going back. I haven't even done anything and things have changed. My dh has forgiven me but I won't ever be the same person.

mrsboogie · 01/06/2009 16:44

I don't understand why you are so bothered about the "first flush of love" feeling - its called that for a reason - it doesn't last (well hardly ever). So if you had it with your DH it would have worn of by now and if you were to get together with this other guy it would wear off then too.

Its just a trick of nature - a way to get people to feel so strongly for each other that the female gerts pregnant. Once that is achieved the "honeymoon feeling" is no longer biologically necessary.

Feeeling that you would satisfied by one "dose" of him is dangerous. It might be true - you might meet him and realise there is nothing there but what if there was some chemistry? then you in an even more invidious position.

For God's sake, unless you are prepared to split up with your husband leave well alone. Find some excitement some other way.

Tortington · 01/06/2009 16:47

it is self indulgent and jeuvinile and SELFISH.

you have kids for fucks sake.

suck it up and move on

becuase supposing your fairytale came true and you ended up with this person

you still end up with whinging crying kids

washing up

and skiddy undies

his shit will still stink

and he wont lift the seat

jesus chrsit lady

get a grip

Rhubarb · 01/06/2009 16:49

Couldn't have put it better myself!