Do you resent 'women's work'?

[WornThrough]

Not sure what I am trying to say here but just wanted some perspective on how things are with other people's partners...

I have a six month old DD1 and have recently started having some counselling/therapy because I seem to have reached meltdown in my marriage since having a baby. I believe my psychologist is a good one - she helped me a lot when I saw her briefly quite a few years ago. She is rightly helping me work through some emotional issues I have relating to my own family.

The thing is: I am burning with resentment about the vast majority of domestic and parental responsibility falling to me since DD1 arrived. I'll spare the boring details, but I can count on one hand the number of times he has got up for her in the night, or at the crack of dawn when she wakes to play, tried to put her down for the night, given her a bath, etc, etc, since the very early days when he was on paternity leave...

My psychologist has what I consider to be an old-fashioned view in which she thinks it is amazing how much men (including her own sons) are now involved with raising children, running homes etc. And everywhere I look I see women who seem to expect to take the lion's share of this work without complaint, or who maybe moan a bit but think that it is to be expected because men are different or just like that...

But this makes my head ACHE. I am seriously pissed off that my DH, who is really capable and always pulled his weight, is now proving so shite (FFS, none of this parenting malarkey has come naturally to me, but I have got on with it). I don't think it is in any way unreasonable to expect this work to be shared and, while I accept I need to get better at telling him what I want and need, I resent waking up in a relationship in which I need to start ordering him round like a school boy. I feel really disrespected that he is barely helping me when I need him so much - I am, I am afraid, taking it really personally. I am angry, angry, angry.

Am I alone here? Are there any men who pull their weight out of respect and understanding of their partner? And if not, am I the last drummer left in the Sexual Equality Brass Band?

have you ever talked to your DH about this?

i am reluctant to say men need instructions, but some do

when DS was young we had a night feed rota

sometimes things need to be spelt out

can i ask a question? You say he hasn't bathed her since paternity leave - why?

I resent the term 'women's work' in general, it is referred to as housework here and everyone who lives in the house is expected to pitch in. I do do the majority of it as DP works full time with a long commute and ds is only four, but DP does pitch in as he should do!!

Would you consider relate with your DH? May help to go at this issue and any others as a couple.

As a suggestion, when I am silently annoyed at something not being done I smile and say 'DP can you please do A,B and C and I will do X,Y and Z then we will have a cuppa/go out.' Much better than stewing on it and getting angrier (which I have done in the past).

You are not alone in the slightest I have a generally very good DP who will pull his weight but there are still things that I end up doing, like today, I was up at 5:30, leaving the house just after 6 to go to work, eh was taking the children to school but who did their lunches before she went? Who made sure they had clean uniforms last night? Who put the bagels and butter on the side for breakfast?

Problem is if I don't do it it doesn't get done, if I do, eh never learns to do it, so I suppose my point is, STOP. Right now. STOP doing everything and make him learn.

MP made the best post ever on this subject. You should both have the same amount of time sitting down.

There is no such thing as women's work any more, there is just work. There is work to do to earn the pennies, and then there is all the other work. Working 9-5 does not give you a free pass to come home and put your feet up when your partner is working 5am-11pm.

Speak to him about how his behaviour is making you feel. Try to do it calmly without becoming shrill and finger pointy with mad sticking out hair and wild roving eyes...I'll admit this is is a monumental feat if you are beside yourself with sleep deprivation. Then decide on some other jobs that he can help you with outside of his working hours.

I'm sure underneath it all he is not a completely usleless selfish lump.

Patriarchy 101. Does he have a lovely mum who always did everything for him? My partner is actually very good with the kids; he willingly shared night feeds with me, and he does the cooking...but we don't split domestic tasks equally and I suffer a burning rage from time to time, too.

"am I the last drummer left in the Sexual Equality Brass Band?"

Absolutely not, but we are in the minority.

DH has been awesome wrt to helping out in the house and with DD since she was born. He did night feeds, he cooks (I hate it), we split housework 50/50. BUT I've yet to meet a couple with as equitable a division of labour as us. I'm actually embarrassed to tell some mums how much he helps out sometimes, because I fell like I'm bragging! I put a lot of DH's willingness to help out down to a) he's a self-identified feminist b) he grew up an only child with a single mum and gets how tough it is to be a mum.

I'm studying social sciences at Uni right now, there are a lot of societal, systemic reasons why the sexist division of labour in the home continues despite our "liberation".

A phrase I recently learned in my course is "The unpaid labour of women supports the world economy." We get no recognition, support, money or status for it. But the whole house of cards would collapse if we weren't there, dutifully propping up the whole edifice, owning. It boils my blood.

I recommend checking out some feminist blogs about parenting roles, and INSISTING your partner contribute more. It's the 21st century, there's no excuse for the "Child-rearing and housework is women's repsonsibility" bullshit anymore.

I think many people experience similar issues when they have a baby. I have a 7 month old DS and I have regular bouts of feeling hard done by regarding the housework (I never call it women's work - I don't want my DS to grow up thinking of it like that) and childcare, however I try to rationalise that we are adjusting to a massive change and there are bound to be rough bits. It is hard to be at home doing 'menial tasks' when you are used to being at work and earning money and it does take some getting used to.

My DH works very long hours plus a commute and although he does try to help, the majority by far does fall to me. I guess I am learning to accept that the childcare/housework is my responsibility and to try to turn that into a positive experience rather than resenting it. After all, it's not all bad, I get to spend time with DS and I am not short of people to have coffee with. I would hate to waste these years feeling bitter.

Having said that, my DH does make an effort, it sounds as if yours doesn't. You also say that he has always pulled his weight. Have you asked him what has changed?

My DH does what needs to be done, has done from day one, and will always do extra when I ask him to do stuff. He is better with the kids than me too.

Just talk to your DH.

My DH pulls his weight, yes. Lucky, as I seriously resent women's work, too, In fact, I am pretty undomesticated, really, in the same way that a lot of men are, and so ever since we moved in together years ago, he has just had to get on with it. I have never 'played wife'. I am lucky that my DH is extremely hands on with our children, too, but that was a case of luck more than anything - a case of 'there but for the grace if God go I...' - as I didn't have that on my mental list of things to look for in a partner at all .

I do sympathise. I don't think I could cope if my DH didn't do is fair share (at least).

Have you had a frank discussion with your DH about this?

*that should read owning 1% of the worlds property

Having read the other posts I fear I am coming over as a floral 50's housewife which I'm not - I guess it depends on your circumstances. If the husband is working 8am-11pm then I guess you need to accept the lions share. If he's home at 5pm with his feet up in front of the telly then I'm all for insisting on more contribution.

God I'm slow at typing

I was the same as you when DD first showed up nearly 6 years ago. She wasn't planned and I found the change from having a career/social life and living in London to moving to the burbs and becoming a full time mum (I was also made redundant!) dreadful. Loved DD obviously, but felt like it was a conspiracy!

Resented DH hugely and it caused massive arguments. He thought I was having the life of riley 'lounging' at home whilst he felt all pressurised about earning all the money.

It was simply a process of gradual acceptance for me I'm afraid. Still not exactly happy with the division of housework, but have learnt to appreciate the fact he earns a good wage and provides well for us and is a great dad. It's all a bit 1950s. It was the way we were both brought up though. I look forward to both kids being at school and going back to work soon...

No, I completely agree with you wornthrough and this is becoming my own source of annoyance of late too, not with Dh as he is great, but friends who seem to think that it is 'womans work'

When both parents are there, caring for the DC should be an equal task. If you are a SAHM, then clearly time wise you will be doing more, but as soon as DH/DP gets home it should be split. I don't get the whole 'oh he is at work and deserves a rest'! I thought we had moved on from the 40's.

If you are a wohm, then when you both get back it should be split. Either scenario should see a DH/DP wanting to spend time and look after his own DC.

My own Dh is very good and doesn't need to be asked as he wants to spend time, bathing, changing etc. But, if he wasn't, I would have no qualms about asking him to and expecting it.

A few people say to me how grateful I should be to have a 'hands on dad' and although i am really proud of my DH and the good father he is, I don't see him as doing it for me rather that he is doing it for himself and DS.

I think a lot depends on whether you work or plan to return to work or not.

I am a SAHM, I do all the cooking, cleaning, feeding the DCs, getting up in the night etc etc - basically all the "womens work".

BUT, DH brings in the money, leaves the house at 8am, gets home at 7pm on a good day and has a v.stressful job. He couldn't do his job on 3 hours sleep and I wouldn't expect him to.

At the weekends, he does have a tendency to sit back and read the paper if I don't find him things to do , and I do have to remind him that it is MY weekend too!!

If I was working full time, I would definitely expect him to do half the household stuff. As it is, he does the "men's work" - fixing stuff, doing the garden etc.

It is VV hard, but it will get better! Now the DCs are at school full time so I have much more time to myself and don't resent it anymore!

To illustrate my point,
When was the last time a woman or man said to a father , 'wow you are really lucky that your wife changes the nappies', or 'wow, does your wife do the laundry?' It's never going to happen, but I have had the same said to me in the past because my DH has changed nappies and done the laundry, yet it is never commented on that a woman has done it.

Can you tell it annoys me

And also as I think about it, perhaps it annoys me because, deep down, I feel I should be grateful and I have had the message for so long that it is womans work that it touches a nerve iyswim.
Wornthrough, hope my ramblings make some sense to you!

Yeah I completely agree. And even the posters on this thread who agree...how many have started out by saying their DH is "very good" and/or "helps", which suggests they secretly think it is their job really.
Mine works 10-12 hour days. He travels at least one week a month and also one or two nights away every week. When he's not here I buckle down and do it (or more often just let it pile up ;) ) but when he is here, it's shared. Why not? At weekends we have one lie-in each and if he gets to watch a football match in peace then I get a couple of hours down my allotment on my own. I thin kwe are pretty equal yet I still get resentful (I am completely unreasonable aren't I) about silly things like he never ever cleans the loo. Why is that my job? And I get really cross about the fact that sure, he does jobs around the house, but he never does the ones that need doing!

I refuse to say my DH does his share/helps out/ helps me, etc etc. He is an equal parent - except he works outside the home too - but the minute he gets in the door he is Dad and gets on with it. It is how it should be.

Have to go - he has served up dinner.

PMSL, Fabulous. Was reading your post the exact same minute Dh came in asked 'What would we like for Dinner' as he is about to start cooking

When we used to both work full time DH did more housework than he does now that I'm at home all the time and he is the only one earning money. Now I do all the housework. I agree it is no longer really called 'women's work', just housework and there are no rules about it, each couple just works it out between themselves depending on who is at home the most and what work each one does outside the home. It doesn't seem to matter who earns the money and who does the housework anymore but I prefer to do the traditional women's work rather than go out to work.

He does do children's bedtime stuff if he is home before their bedtime, helps me do baths, takes them out to the park at the weekend or to Tescos and does the grocery shopping while I have some time on my own. He pays for DS to go to nursery twice a week and DD is at school so I have a break from the children those days. I also expect him to do all of the driving if we are going somewhere as a family. He also does DIY tasks and lawnmowing/hedge trimming/sweeping up leaves etc.

His job is so stressful and he earns good money so I don't feel like I'm doing more than him really. I really enjoy being able to see friends during the day while our children play together whereas DH seems to have mostly sacrificed a social life because he is so busy and tired because of work. If I imagine what it would be like to do his job I really wouldn't want to do it and much prefer my role in the family.

Would you feel better if you felt that 'women's work' was not demeaning? - because I don't think it is, it is very important and childcare is the most important job there is IMO. But sometimes I feel like society respects people with job titles more than SAHMs.

"DH is "very good" and/or "helps", which suggests they secretly think it is their job really."

Good point! Hadn't even realised I was doing that... God it's depressing.

Actingnormal, I don't think it is about 'woman's work' being demeaning and I agree that childcare is one of the most important jobs you can do, it is that it is seen as "woman's work.

I can see what you mean in relation to the Op as there is an element of adjustment into the role of SAHM with a young baby, but it is more about the inequality of the roles. Your DH takes on board his responsibility and it sounds like you have found the balance in your house that suits you both, but being a sahm does not extend to every hour every day and a wohDad should be expected to come home and share the responsibility.

What is interesting to me (and what this thread has made me think about) is not why I do more of the housework - the reason for this is that DH earns far more and works far longer hours than I did - but why did the balance tip that way in the first place? We both went to the same top Uni and both had an equal potential. I've realised that I always had in the back of my mind the fact that I would one day have children and be a SAHM and so maybe I didn't have the same expectations of my career. That is very and .

Only a serious change in society will erase the general expectation that women do the housework and childcare and men earn the money. I don't think we are anyway near true equality to be honest.

No, because my husband doesn't shun doing certain work because it's 'women's work' and if he did i wouldn't be with him in the first place. if he didn't respect me i wouldn't be with him. and vice versa. i give what i get.

but i'm under no illusions that men for the most part will do their 'fair' share of housework unless told specifically to do so point by point because the fact is that not all but most men don't think like women and don't 'see' dirt and work in the same way.

that's how it is, i knew that going into it so it causes me no resentment.

plus, i am a control freak when it comes to the house.

i think it would do you the world of good to continue with counselling and realise that your partner is not you. and he's a man.

he probably needs told specifically or he's just not really going to give a toss about the same things you do when it comes to the house.

Boogeek - "he does jobs around the house but he never does the ones that need doing!" - THAT IS SO TRUE!!