Do you resent 'women's work'?

[WornThrough]

Not sure what I am trying to say here but just wanted some perspective on how things are with other people's partners...

I have a six month old DD1 and have recently started having some counselling/therapy because I seem to have reached meltdown in my marriage since having a baby. I believe my psychologist is a good one - she helped me a lot when I saw her briefly quite a few years ago. She is rightly helping me work through some emotional issues I have relating to my own family.

The thing is: I am burning with resentment about the vast majority of domestic and parental responsibility falling to me since DD1 arrived. I'll spare the boring details, but I can count on one hand the number of times he has got up for her in the night, or at the crack of dawn when she wakes to play, tried to put her down for the night, given her a bath, etc, etc, since the very early days when he was on paternity leave...

My psychologist has what I consider to be an old-fashioned view in which she thinks it is amazing how much men (including her own sons) are now involved with raising children, running homes etc. And everywhere I look I see women who seem to expect to take the lion's share of this work without complaint, or who maybe moan a bit but think that it is to be expected because men are different or just like that...

But this makes my head ACHE. I am seriously pissed off that my DH, who is really capable and always pulled his weight, is now proving so shite (FFS, none of this parenting malarkey has come naturally to me, but I have got on with it). I don't think it is in any way unreasonable to expect this work to be shared and, while I accept I need to get better at telling him what I want and need, I resent waking up in a relationship in which I need to start ordering him round like a school boy. I feel really disrespected that he is barely helping me when I need him so much - I am, I am afraid, taking it really personally. I am angry, angry, angry.

Am I alone here? Are there any men who pull their weight out of respect and understanding of their partner? And if not, am I the last drummer left in the Sexual Equality Brass Band?

SG- What is male privilege when it's at home? IMO privileges have to be earned.

I guess I am just very lucky to have had met men who don't fall into that category at all- and am not married to one either. Almost without exception the men I have had relationships with have lived on their own before they married, were good at looking after themselves very well, and did not want/expect a woman to fall into the role of chief ironing fairy/bottle washer/child rearer.

I actually agree with you that some women put up with too much crap from their spolit little-boy husbands. However, I also think that for every man looking for "servicing" there is possibly a woman looking for a man to "keep her" so she doesn't need to think about supporting herself- you see, if you generalise for one sex, you have to do the same to the other, to be fair!

HTTM: do you understand the term 'white privilege' when it is applied to racial inequality?

Howtotellmum:

A not-so-brief, but still interesting discussion of male privilege can be found here. Well worth a read.

gizmo - I agree with about 75% of those items/issues on the list and DW has certainly suffered from them.

To be fair the author does say:

"Pointing out that men are privileged in no way denies that bad things happen to men. Being privileged does not mean men are given everything in life for free; being privileged does not mean that men do not work hard, do not suffer. In many cases - from a boy being bullied in school, to a soldier dying in war - the sexist society that maintains male privilege also does great harm to boys and men."

I would add a few things to the downsides of being a man at least in a Western society:

1. Young men are far more likely to suffer violent attack and die at the hand of a stranger when walking down the street.

1. Men are far more likely to commit suicide.

1. Men who step outside the male sterotype of 'provider' and give up or take time off their career to look after children are looked down upon in society as being 'less than men'.

1. Men are more likely to lose contact with their children after a divorce.

1. Men are expected to control and suppress their emotions.

1. Men die earlier.

I am sure there are others.

SG- no I am sorry to say that I have never heard of it.

Suggest you read the link Gizmo provided as it is a better explanation than I could provide.

Solidgold, have you got sons or daughters? Having two sons has changed my opinion of men, when you see how loving boys are, how honest they are, how they like "fair play", how good they can be with younger children and animals, all these things and many more. However I think it is good that you stand up to women who are being mistreated. I have a husband who does a hard job, I doubt very much many women would like to do his job actually, and I think a lot of women these days have better and nicer jobs than men have. Just a thought.

I have a son, who is 4 and a lovely little boy who I hope and believe is going to grow up to be a lovely man. As I have before, identifying and criticizing male privilege is not the same as hating men (just like identifiying white privilege is not the same as saying that all white people are racists...)

I would be overly resentful if dh expected to put his feet up while I was still working. I expect my Mum would have been overly resentful if my Dad had expected that. I expect my MIL might also have had something to say in the case of my FIL. We'd have to go back a long way in time in my family before this would be considered in any way normal.

As for dh, his misfortune is that I have worked in his profession- and he has also taken his turn as a SAHD . So we can't kid each other that "he is doing such a hard job"/"all she does is sit around all day". I know what his job entails, yes it's hard (not least physically), but so is looking after small children.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with that last bit cory. When you both actually know what it feels like to be in the others' shoes, then you understand the pressures. Although my DH has never been a SAHD, he had a period of time when the kids were very small that he worked away part of the week and then was home part of the week. And I always continued working, at least P/T when the kids were tiny, so I know first hand that going out to work isn't just the easy rise some SAHMs kid themselves it is.

I think if you choose to go for a very traditional set up with polarised roles: mum staying home and dad being the sole provider, then you have to make a conscious effort to not become defined by it.

easy ride