How has YOUR mother helped you to become a mother?

[MrsMerryHenry]

I am interested to know what sort of support mothers give to their daughters from the moment they first become pregnant, until...ad infinitum! For example, was your mum the first person you told? Did she give you advice/ help out?

None whatsoever, but then she never helped me when I started to become a woman. Seriously when I had my first period she gave me one old fashioned looped towel, told me not to talk to anyone about it and left me to it. Thanks mum

My goodness. It must have been rather daunting, to say the least, to start becoming a woman with a mother who's present yet unavailable like that.

Even though I disagreed with my mum a lot during my teens, at least she was there for me. You poor thing.

My mother was amazingly, awesomely supportive right through my pregnancy, through childbirth itself (she was my birth partner) and during my DD's early months. She couldn't have done more or done it better.

GOsh, my mum was about the last person I told - In fact, I never told her I was PG with DS - My DH phoned and told her.

my mum (Like ER) never seemed to deal well with me growing up - never wanted me to learn to cook etc., as she wanted to be the MUMMY.

Her advice so far has related to
(i) how she felt about motherhood
(ii) how I will understand how she feels when DS grows up - NOT TRUE!! However hard I find it, I want him to be independant and not forever feel guilty because he is a young man!
(iii) I won't cope with two (I'm PG again) - But, then, she said that about one when I was PG with DS.

mom was the first person dp and i told about dd and the first person to visit. she has baby sat 3 times in 2 years but she is the only person to do even that much.
she was a great mom to me, always put me first so id say she gives me something to live up to.

No worries MerryHenry the NHS, a support group and determination helped me get better though Im still having after shocks as it were, ho hum, mustn't grumble on all that
With DD she's not supported at all either during the pregnancy or after. It's funny she says "oh you musnt kill yourself, take it easy" I just look at her and think "well who the hell is gonna deal with this" dont say anything of course, answering mother back is not allowed.
Anyway sorry for the derail, hopefully more people with mothers like Anna's will be along soon

Not a lot.

She knitted stuff.

I didn't rush to tell my parents about my pregnancies because if I had wanted them to show any excitement about it I would have been disappointed. When I was first pregnant my mum said "Well don't be too disappointed if you lose it (the baby)".

My mum could never have been a birthing partner, she and my dad didn't even want to visit me while I was still in the hospital. They found it too 'personal' I think.

After my first baby I invited them to stay for a few days so that they wouldn't feel excluded but I found it pretty stressful. My mum kept pointing out jobs that I needed to get done in the house and was uncomfortable with me leaving them til later but wasn't really able to help me with anything because she was so unsure of anything and had to ask me so many questions that it was easier for me to do it all myself

While having my second baby I asked them to come and stay and look after DD while I was in hospital and they did do this which I am very grateful for. They also cooked meals for us for a week when I came out of hospital and I will always be grateful for that.

As a child there wasn't much they did which I have learnt from how to be the sort of parent I want to be to my children. I feel they did a bad job of it. But, indirectly they HAVE helped me to be a good parent by showing me what NOT to do! Because I have so much bad feeling about my childhood it has made me think about and focus on what I think children need from their parents, especially the things I needed but didn't get, rather than just muddling through and not thinking much about what effect things could be having on the children. I am constantly checking myself to see if I think I am doing right by them and thinking up new ways to do things if I feel I am getting it wrong. I know most parents probably do this but I think I am even more focussed on it because I feel so strongly about how my own parents got it wrong.

Mine provided a model of what not to do.

She was one of the last people I told when I got pg.

Hell no!!! to either advice or help.

My mother started to become emotionally unavailable to me in my teens and it has remained so to this day. I was trusted, well infact left, to get on with growing up whilst my brother remains the "golden child". He is more easily controlled than I. Like ElenorRigby some friends, reading other peoples experiences of their parents and brute determination on my part have got me through those bleak days.

My mother is in ill health and the extent of her help is on the end of the phone if I need an ear, and praising me for breastfeeding and breastfeeding in public.

AtM - I can relate to the Golden child. My sister was, and is, the golden child. SHe too is totally controlled by my mother but sees nothing wrong with it (she still eats her breakfast on my parents bed each weekday morning even though she's forty in a matter of weeks)

My mother was my birth partner, and in the absence of my daughter's father (he decided to walk away while I was pregnant) she has been pretty much the second most important person in DD's life.

If I can be one tenth as good a parent to my child as my mother has been and continues to be to me I think I will have done a pretty good job.

I've been a single parent from day one and I don't know how I would have coped without the support of both my parents, but especially my mother. Not just in terms of how they have helped me since I became a mother but in terms of the examples of their parenting that I have been able to draw on from my own childhood.

I am so shocked and disappointed by all these negative stories. My mum died long before I got pregnant, so since day one I've always handled it all without a direct maternal influence.

I'm sure it's easy for women in my position to idealise what it would be like 'if only mum were around'. But my mum certainly would have done a lot more than some of you have experienced. for you (and for Anna - what a fabulous mum yours sounds!).

BurningBright - hurrah for your wonderful mum!

Do you mothers with positive mums do much reminiscing about your own childhood? I really feel the lack of a reference to my early days.

To be fair, MsmerryHenry - My mum nearly died when I was a young child, so I am always reminded that I could be here without her.

I suppose that is one reason I would never consider cutting contact with her. I AM thankful that she's here, IYSWIM.

But, she can be awfully cutting... when looking at our local property paper, my father jokingly asked if she was looking for a place near me... She looked directly at me and replied to my father 'no. I would NEVER buy in this area. i don't like the people'

20k in the last two years.

Its helped me a lot.

My mum was an example of what not to do.

She visited for a week after DS1 and I waited on her hand and foot.

I love my mum but I find her a PITA if I am being honest.

Mu mum exclusively BF 3 DCs as well and TBH never bloody shuts up about it either. She also says women nowadays are wimps for needing birthing partners, epidurals, or anything else. she is still competitively birthing 33 years after she last did it.

My mother is a brilliant mother, she has four children and has a good marriage.

She was the first person I told I was pregnant both times (apart from dh of course).

The biggest problem is that she is literally on the other side of the world, pooh, so I see her once or twice a year.

But when I go there I can see how good she is with children - involves ds in silly stuff like loading the dishwasher, generally being patient. Oh and she knitted alot.

Haribo, you have a very mature outlook on your mum being around. Not everyone would see it that way.

Hoochie - hurrah for your trailblazing ma! Mine was the same with regard to bfing - I think it's because as an African woman it was just the norm for her and she couldn't imagine any other way of feeding her infants. I have lovely memories of cuddling her while she bf'd my younger bro to sleep, singing a Nigerian lullaby which I now sing to my DS (tears are springing to my eyes).

Wow. I'm incredibly lucky. My Mum adores my DDs and loves to spend time with them, but doesn't go against my wishes or undermine me. She tells me that she's happy to help me out, and that she knows what to do, as she had such a bed example from her own Mum, who was completely useless. She is determined not to make the same mistakes.

I have told her (honestly) that if I hadn't had help from her (and my Dad and DH) that we wouldn't have had a second child, as I really struggle with pregnancy.

hasn't at al, just how not to be one I'm afraid.

As others have said - my mum showed me what not to do.

When I told my mum I was pg she said "how do you know?" suspiciously.

i said I had done a pg test and it was an early indicator one.

She said have you missed a period then, I said no.

She shouted "Dad, she hasn't even missed a period yet!" and rolled around the room laughing.

She subsequently claimed not to remember whether my bro and I were bottle or breast fed, whether she had easy births, what little babies are like etc etc.

When I asked her if it was nice having children (ie me & bro) she said, "Um well it's alright, i suppose".

So not very helpful on that front.

But she has been looking after DD 2.5 days a week so I can work, so all is good really