Big mama hugs to Gentlydoesit.
I'm so glad to hear so many positive stories here. Those of you with fab mums, if you haven't already (and I suspect you have ), please call your mums and tell her what you've told us all on this thread. You are so lucky to have such a wonderful maternal influence in your lives.
Cosmo - I am so very sorry that your mum is no longer alive and that your future children will only have a maternal 'granny in heaven' like mine. I found my parents' 25th anniversary wedding video a couple of weeks ago - thought it had been lost. I haven't been able to bring myself to watch it yet but am excited to show DS real, live footage of Grandma and Grandpa MerryHenry for the first time!
Were you very young when she died? Have you ever had any kind of counselling for this? You may find that through the whole process of becoming a parent, hidden memories and feelings may start to surface.
My lovely mum died in 2001, so it's been a while (and I was in my mid-twenties so had her for much longer than you) but as I write I am in tears. Even after all this time, and having dealt with the grief well, I am still deeply affected. I was very lucky in that my younger brother was born when I was old enough to help out, so I had few qualms about becoming a mother as I had already had a lot of practical experience - which stuck in my brain for 20+ years and resurfaced when I needed it. I suspect that since you were a child when your mother died, you won't have had the same opportunities to learn about mothering?
Is there an older, experienced mother in your life who you trust, are close to and would like to learn from - even if you disagree on some aspects of child-rearing? If so I would encourage you to contact her and ask whether she would consider becoming a supportive figure for you as you enter this time of huge transition. Our culture doesn't support parents in the way that other cultures do - we do it through books and programmes, whereas many other cultures do it through community support structures. There are benefits of both, of course, but personally I'd prefer a relationship with a person to a relationship with a book.
Another thing to bear in mind is that just as my childhood memories of helping with my little brother kicked in when I needed them, it is thought that we all retain the memory of being mothered ourselves, no matter how young we were when our mothers died. I don't quite know how one can try to access this information, except that you should learn to trust your own instincts as a parent (all parents should, anyway).
With regard to my experience of being a motherless mother, I think I sort of blanked out the loss during pregnancy (actually my father died when I was 10wks preg). I just got on with preparing for preg, labour and motherhood by consulting books which supported my 'worldview' on parenting. Now, however, I do feel the lack of a reference to my childhood - I have nobody to ask about how my mother did things which I do with my DS. Also when it was DS's 2nd birthday I happened to have 2 female cousins (who usually live abroad) over, who all helped with the preparations. I was shocked. Being from a family of boys, the experience of having women to help organise the party was a revelation .
Cosmo, you may want to read 'Motherless Daughters' by Hope Edelman. I am currently reading her follow-up book 'Motherless Mothers', which I'm finding a bit vague and lacking in focus. I've heard the 'Daughters' book is much better.