time to leave and getting cold feet....bit long please bear with me

[messymissy]

tried posting this early and the site crashed! so here goes again...

Have posted on lots of threads and taken advice and inspiration and hope from many of them, then read other threads about the realities of dealing with an ex-p, access, recriminations, money and so on and it frightens me to death.

Been with dp for nearly 4 years, we have a 2y daughter. the abuse started slowly about 18 months ago (feels like a life time) with him nitt picking, complaining about everything, my appearance, the house work, and some so petty they can't be believed - too many suds in the washing up water...and so on and so on.

He then lost his temper when i shouted back and shook me so violently i fell over.

Since then there have been several other aggressive attacks, dragged me down the stairs by my ankles, tried to strangle me while dd was screaming on the bed next to me - because he said i was a liar - i had fallen asleep with dd and hadn't come down to do the ironing.

There have only been a few incidents, but the verbal/emotional abuse is every few days.

Despite trying to reason with him, he still feels that he was justified cos lots of men get wound up by the housework and if I did it all when and how he likes it, then he would not get wound up. So he thinks its my fault obviously. - backed up by his mum who thinks this is normal, that i provoked him and because one time i hit back she says i am just as bad as him.

Anyway to cut a long story short, after months of put downs and him swearing I have had enough - just on sunday he sat with dd on his lap and told me I was talking shit - i am fed up of pleading with him not to do this and trying to get him to understand just how damaging it is for a young girl to see her mum put down like this. Then last night the penny dropped - he does know, he just doesn't care, he knows it upsets me, he knows I would rather bite my tongue than argue back in front of dd so he tries harder and harder to provoke a reaction out of me.

If I do answer back he then says - see you are loosing it, you are unstable, you are neurotic etc etc

Trouble is, after months of persuasion he is actually making a bit more of an effort to play with dd and she has at last begun to want to play with him. Is it too little too late?

I have the chance to buy into a shared ownership house, many many miles away - i will be giving up all my friends and family but it will be a permanent roof over my dd's head that he cant kick us out of (there is not a week gone by that he hasn't at some point said, do what i say or leave).

I am fearful of his reaction - he is so negatively affected by his parents - when they are away on holiday he is a different person, I know they will insist on vengence - they believe an eye for an eye and he talks a lot of being punished and punishes me - for example he ignored my birthday last year as punishment cos we weren't getting on.

The police have told me to move out and not give a forwarding address. This seems so drastic.

I have this dream that if i can get him away from his parents we would be able to start a new happier life. Am i barking mad?

I know I have to leave, enough people have told me. I just don't want to have to face the reality of it.

Is it my fault? if I did all the housework, never had any dishes in the sink or ironing to do, would he be nice to me? The house is tidy, there is always washing / ironing - i dont have a tumble drier and its often hard to get things dried. I dont have as dish washer and he doesn't like me to wash up during hte day (wastes water he says) but he gets annoyed when there is a pile of it after dinner. (i do wash up during hte day)

I am grateful i am a SAHM and that he pays the bills, but the cost seems to be my soul.

I want to be able to love him without bracing myself for the next barbed sarcastic comment. He said that he wants a loving woman - i said i used to be before you hurt me and shout and swear at me.

Pack and go and stay at WA whilst you sort the new place out.

I don't know anyone who has been traumatised by being raised with only 1 parent!

I haven't read all the responses, just the OP - look at it this way, do you want your daughter to become involved with an abusive boyfriend/husband?

How would it feel to know she is putting up with being strangled, abused, belittled e.t.c. It would break your heart.

I grew up initially with an abusive father, who I watched abuse my mother horrifically, until the day he clean knocked her out and left the house with an unconscious mother, a screaming 5 year old, and a helpless 2 year old.

After that I grew up in a one-parent household. I think it's obvious which situation is better.

Your daughter will thank you one day for leaving him, and for subsequently giving her a peaceful upbringing.

Stay strong x

ps - dont worry about contact and access - have him fight for it - have him go thru your solicitor.

and you have enough evidence and police advice etc to state your concerns about DD and to request supervised access at a contact centre intially, if he actually pushes for contact.

your daughter will be fine - it wont harm her not to see him for a while. my kids didnt see their dad from 18/8/08 til a session arranged by cafcass on 22/12/08. they were fine. they were jsut happier not to ahve to see any incidents/arguments.

you can allow phone / lette contact if she wants contact. be honest -she knows dad is an angry man she has seen it.

she is going to eb so much happier without ahving to deal with his anger and moods - it is not fair on her to have to deal with that jsut for the sake of a few good moment shere and there.

my dcs had supervised contact centre sessions from april 09 to july 09 - this was also fine.

moving away from contact centre has been dodgy but more because he lets them down rather than specific concerns - it i still supervised so safe.

I supposed I have sunk into trying so hard to make it work, to keep the peace to try to get him to see that life could be so very different and calm and peaceful, as a way of coping.

Most of my RL friends work, so not available during the day to help and the others are at home with young children.

I have let the place go to pot since the summer, got to the stage that he shouted and complained if it was clean and tidy, he shouted and complained if it was a mess, so do the bare minimum now. Feel too ashamed to ask some RL friends over in case they say, your DP has a point, you are hopeless. Have some friends who have said, oh but he seems so nice, he always so friendly but they havent heard him having a go 5 mins before we got there. makes me feel that they dont believe me and that bothers me thta he can be so convincing when there is an audience but on our own its so different.

He should be off this week. Rang a friend and she may be able to put us up for a short while.

Where do I start packing? Not taking everyting, only the furniture I had when i moved in and dd's things. Will have to leave some behind and hope he lets me come back to get it at some point.

Trying to stop the panic rising but its difficult and paralysing. Had no idea that it could be like this. Never had any experience of this before, so it all came as a shock and I dont think i have really come to terms with it, or really accepted that it is as bad as people RL and on here, tell me it is. Its like i'm living in a bad dream.

some days he is lovely. he has been making an effort lately but i wonder if its just to stop me going - I remember a thread on here about an exh who sobbed and begged his wife to come back but she stood her ground and stayed strong as she knew it was all pretence. I think i need some of that strength and insight.

I think if i had a good job and child care in a lovely nursery already sorted then I wouldn't be so pathetically dithering and grasping at straws and hoping that i will wake up tomorrow and he will love me, and be kind and caring for more than a couple of days. Its like living on a roller coaster, its hard to enjoy the good moments as I know there is bound to be a horrible time just around the bend. But then I berate myself and say why cant i make it work, it must be my fault for not making it work.

Messymissy, it is not your fault!! Oh Lord it is not your fault at all, you must know that? No matter who he is with, and how 'perfect' she is, he will find fault, and he will abuse. That is the nature of abuse.

Let me guess, does he say you 'make' him get angry, or hurt you? He doesn't believe it's your fault, no matter what he says, and neither should you.

yes he does say i wind him up, he says he wouldn;t get angry if i did what he asked me to do - usually the housework, which i do do, but he has unrealistic expectations, for example, its peeing it down here, and has been since sunday, got washing everywhere trying to get it dry. it takes days sometimes. no tumble drier only two radiators to put things on.

Got a mountain of ironing - but its all my stuff, and some of dd's. she doesnt have a wardrobe so I tend to iron when she needs to wear stuff. I have some wardrobe space but not enough, so i do the same. If it was all ironed i could not hang it up in anycase. i have explained this to him. He wont listen.

I think he does believe its my fault. Even if he says sorry, its sorry BUT you made me do it..I tell him that is an excuse not an apology. he cant tell the difference and he feels he is saying sorry all the time, therefore again, its my fault.

trouble is he is so very convincing, he runs rings around me in any discussion or argument, its like trying to reason with the wind, its impossible. He gets me convinced its my fault too and its only when I can check in with the real world that I am reminded this is not right or normal.

he's convincing because he's convinced himself.

the friend who will put you up, can you take stuff round to her house bit by bit?
in carriers and binbags so it looks like you're just taking recycling?

that'll make it easier to move out without him noticing.
but you must go as quickly as possible.

and if he can turn his charm on so quickly in front of other people, that only serves to make him feel better "oh, i'm justified because my friends don't make me angry". it's bollocks: he's in total control of his anger and uses you to take it out on.

you are not a punch bag.

definitely get your phone number recorded with the police and don't just threaten to call them when he has a fit, call them. every time.

This man is violent, so why bother discussing and reasoning with him.

He won't change. You will never change him.

Millions of kids across the UK have one parent or step family homes, it is more common now than living with mum and dad (I think?). It is not traumatising, it is normal. I'm a 'broken home' kid myself and I had a wonderful childhood.

This man has no place in a child's life. If he was a good dad he would show respect to his child's mother. He is not a good dad.

Please get out before your child becomes any more frightened and traumatised by living with a violent man. She does not deserve this, and as hard as it is, you have to take the lead and make the change necessary to allow you and your DD to live in peace and safety.

cestlavie - thanks. how to i go about ensuring supervised access? He says he wants to come and stay the weekends - i have said no that we could meet him at the local indoor play area.

he will press me about christmas too.

I have just found your thread, please, please leave.

morriszap - This man has no place in a child's life. If he was a good dad he would show respect to his child's mother. He is not a good dad.

yes, you have put it very succinctly. I hope other people will see it this way too.

I did call the police so they do have this number. they took him away. he knows I will call again.

nicklebang - wow that is exactly what he said, his friends and work don't make him angry, just me apparently.

You don't need to worry about visitation rights just now. Get out of there first, talk about when he can see his daughter afterwards. It is an important issue but it is not the urgent one. No wonder you are afraid of moving out if you have to have every little detail sorted out in advance. Just concentrate on getting a new roof over your head, and take the rest a bite at a time.

To be honest I'm kind of concerned that you are discussing it with him as if he was some kind of helpful third party, rather than the horrible abuser he really is, who you know you have to get away from. But he knows, well, so be it. Well done about not agreeing he can stay weekends!

You said that your daughter has started hitting herself when she's angry, in emulation of him. That is so, so chilling. She's, what, not quite three years old? The sooner she is away from this terrible example the better. An innocent child beginning to behave like someone in a Victorian lunatic asylum. You cannot run far or fast enough, in my opinion. I don't care how happy she is when they play together nicely. That makes it worse in fact, because it makes the bad things he does seem more acceptable.

annie - that's what i thought about the hitting but when i spoke to friends they acted like it was normal toddler behaviour but i have not seen anyone do this let alone a child - except on tv dramas when the character has a mental health issue. I was wondering if it is akin to self harming?

he has just rang home acting like nothing is a foot, he knows that i am going while he is away but he talks about what we will do when he gets back, can i make sure to put the rubbish out etc while he is away. Makes me feel I am in a dream world.

My ex was like this was never violent but was very verbally and emotionally abusive.
He said so many of the same things.
When I did finally summon the strength to say it was over it was hard there were times when I did think in the short term that it would have been so much easier to go back again I knew long term I couldn't live knowing my children were growing up seeing this as normal. He also said it was me that made him angry but cited my faults which caused it and that I fell out with everyone (erm my mum and I rub each other up the wrong way occasionaly but hey is that not life? as it was my mum he mentioned in this)

He did all the same things re suicide and thanks to one of his incidents he has been left with a criminal record which to this day I still believe he thinks is my fault.
He said at the time that he blamed me for it he couldn't see that it was his behaviour that had frightened me enough to call the police.

I felt so guilty walking away knowing I was hurting someone that I had once loved that at some point I had felt enough for to have children with it's normal to feel like that but you cannot put his feelings on this subject before your own safety and that of your dd.

Now I have no feelings for him whatsoever.
He sees the dc's and it has been a rocky road at times and I will never ever trust the man or forgive or forget some of the things he did but I am married to someone else now who is good to me and the dc's are growing up seeing what a normal stable loving relatinship is like and i'm actually proud of myself for finding it in me to walk away.
You will too, good luck.

annie's totally right, though: it is something that a normal child that age would have only picked up from someone else. (except as you say with a mental health issue)

he's acting normal over the phone because he assumes it will throw you: you'll start to think that you were making the whole thing up because look how nice he's being.

it's his defence mechanism to make you feel like the bad guy.
don't fall for it (i know you won't, you are an incredibly strong woman)

"I think if i had a good job and child care in a lovely nursery already sorted then I wouldn't be so pathetically dithering and grasping at straws and hoping that i will wake up tomorrow and he will love me, and be kind and caring for more than a couple of days. Its like living on a roller coaster, its hard to enjoy the good moments as I know there is bound to be a horrible time just around the bend. But then I berate myself and say why cant i make it work, it must be my fault for not making it work."

And you know that all the above isn't true. He won't change. It's not your fault. He won't change. It's not your fault......

Your DD deserves much better than this...

Messymissy, leaving an abusive partner is a very difficult thing to do. It frequently feels like you are failing, or destroying your family, or not trying to work things out, or not giving your partner "a second chance". It hurts, and it's scary.

But do you know what? I can tell from your posts that you are a smart woman ? you deserve better; you deserve a chance to feel safe. It sounds simple, because in the end it is. Get away from him. Get yourself and your lovely daughter to a place where he can't hurt you both.

You know that you don't have to have everything sorted in advance. You know what's needed - you've got a good window of opportunity. How much harder will it be when he comes back?

Be brave. Wishing you strength.

yes loupiots, it would be so much harder with him here. It gives me just 6 days to get everything packed up, find a removal firm in time and go.

ineedacleaner - i so hope that my story has a happy ending like yours. thank you. I do feel guilty like you did. I know I can't forgive him or forget and I struggle with that as I was brought up to forgive and i think that part of my upbringing is what is making this harder for me. I want to stay furious at him, to not make excuses, to not look for him to repent and redeem himself - not that he ever would. Instead i turn it all in on myself and blame myself. I know I worry too much about the futre - like what will i tell dd when she is older?

So good advice annie to concentrate on the immediate issues. I will try.

please keep the posts coming it is helping me. I find it very difficult to talk to people about this - i see the look in their eye - sometimes its understanding and sympathy sometimes its dont come near me i dont want to get involved. Even had one 'friend' tell me she had no sympathy for women who moan about their difficult husbands, its their fault they picked the wrong man.

yes focus on the immediate.

"we could meet him at the local indoor play area.
he will press me about christmas too."

dont worry about christmas right now...

i would say - have someone else take her to meet him at soft play area.

i made mistake of having him round to my new place see kids where i could supervise (i am so glad you have ruled that out); but it was also a mistake to supervise access at all.

you need to cut completely, have a third party you trust to take her to see him - if she is asking to see him and you feel it is needed. otherwise wait for him to apply and get court involved and get CAFCASS involved, so you can raise your concerns.

i think is easier for the child that you make a clean break so the child can know that mum and dad are separate now.

no blurring of boundaries, no pseudo-family times together at soft play.

confusing for her and he will use it to try and persuade you back...

but first things first, make that move and have no direct contact with him for at least a couple weeks.

thanks cestlavielife.

not too sure if she would go with someone else other than my mum and thats a lot to ask my mum as she doesn't like dp either. but will try.

i understand what you say about blurring bounderies and pseudo family time, feels like that every time we go out - which is not that often.

God this is really happening. can hardly breath at the thought of it.

It's a tough, tough thing to do, to leave an abusive partner. You get to the stage where you don't trust your own judgement, so how do you know if you're doing the right thing. But you are, OP. You've got to go.

I know some of the posts about access/money can seem discouraging, but honestly, if you posted on any of them asking whether the OP wishes she hasn't left, the OP will tell you it's worth it.

You can do this. Don't give up now, you are so close.