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Original poster

Is this acceptable ExP Behaviour?

79 replies

IBlameThePenguins · 18/05/2009 11:55

Hi... I've never posted on this thread before but I put the following post on the step-parenting thread, and someone suggested I also post it here for a bit of perspective. I hope I'm not intruding...

My DP has two young DC's and I am 25weeks pregnant. Things are tricky with his ExP, so I don't really get to see his children (who live 200miles away) but he goes away every weekend to see them.

Things have been really tough with DP and I at the moment. It doesn't help that we have no real quality time together etc. But the thing that's really upsetting me is the amount of time he spends at his ExP's when he goes up to see the children.

He will often go and spend whole days there, while she is there too. He even slept there once when she went out for the night. I just phoned him, and he told me he's spending the morning there (His Mum lives about a minute's walk away, so it's not as though he has no where else to go). When her sister had a baby recently, he told he'd become "an Uncle".

I have to be honest...this makes me feel really uncomfortable. He tells me he "has to" maintain an emotional relationship with his ExP for the sake of the children. Is this acceptable? Can he have an emotional relationship with both of us? I have tried to be understanding, but it seems he is always searching for excuses to be there, and she always rings "for a chat" when he's here in the week. I know he rings 2/3times a day to speak to hs kids, but I also know that she rings when the kids aren't with her/are in bed.

Am I totally irrational to feel uncomfortable by this behaviour? I have no family experience of step-children, and no friends who are steps, so really don't know what is normal/acceptable? He also recently told me that he is scared o love out baby because of his other 2 children, which totally broke my heart.

Thanks in advance for any response? I REALLY need to hear what others have to say on the matter. At the moment I just feel so dispondent. I feel as though I just want to take my baby and run

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 18/05/2009 11:59

it sounds like they both haven't quite moved on yet. how long since they split? and what were reasons?

believe me,this arrangement will change when she meets someone new!!

every weekend? bit much really

MarkStretch · 18/05/2009 12:01

I don't blame you at all for feeling like this and it is probably made worse by the fact his ex-p's house is far away and you are pregnant.

Of course he needs to maintain a relationship of sorts for his children's sake but this seems a little excessive.

I have a step-daughter and when DH and I first got together we had to set some boundaries. I felt uncomfortable about him going to his Ex-p's house to look after the dog while she went away for example. This involved him sleeping over, in her bed. I felt too weird about it and it made me feel really uncomfortable.

Overmydeadbody · 18/05/2009 12:02

I don't think there is any 'normal' when it comes to arrangements between parents and visits to non resident children.

If you trust your DP not to be having an affair with his ex then you need to just accept that it is actually good for his children if he and their mother get along.

Perhaps your feelings are partly down to pregnancy hormones?

Original poster
IBlameThePenguins · 18/05/2009 12:03

They split up just over a year ago. Him & I did get together pretty soon after that. So...if they are not over each other, where does that leave me? Do I ride it out, or do I move on?

OP posts:
MarkStretch · 18/05/2009 12:03

We also now have a son together and I know DH felt odd about having a new child in his life and how he would feel about it, he was worried his feelings would stop him bonding with the baby and he would feel guilty for loving him. Luckily none of these things have happened and he loves DS to bits.

Is there any chance you could have the DC's come and stay with you instead of him going there?

Overmydeadbody · 18/05/2009 12:04

How old are the children? I think it's good that he's so involved in their lives, compared to so many fathers who aren't. Please don't make it more difficult for him if he's not actually doing anything wrong.

Overmydeadbody · 18/05/2009 12:05

But you don't know they are not 'over' each other, but they do have two children together, they will always be in each other's lives (hopefully) and you need to come to terms with that.

Original poster
IBlameThePenguins · 18/05/2009 12:07

theres a difference between staying in each other's lives, and staying at her house, surely?

OP posts:
MarkStretch · 18/05/2009 12:08

I agree IBTP. I think you have a right to tell him as you are now having his baby then some boundaries need to be drawn.

prettyfly1 · 18/05/2009 12:10

No you are totally rational and I would be extremely unhappy with this. I had the same problem with my oh at first and I would go crazy. Also what is going to happen when your baby is born - he cant be away every weekend then surely?

GypsyMoth · 18/05/2009 12:11

yes,theres a difference. but really,his time with the kids should be separate now. he doesn't seem to feel this way though,which leads me to feel he isn't "over" his ex. why is he still seeing her as well as the children? they have split,he has new partner....

he could move his contact to his mothers house,or take them out locally. then he could introduce you when he believes its right time. then you could all work towards contact moving up to your joint home,perhaps once a month? changes need to be made here.....and the childrens best interests taken into consideration.

this is just confusing for them.

Original poster
IBlameThePenguins · 18/05/2009 12:21

I have tried to discuss setting boundaries with him. I never shout & scream about it, I always make sure I stay calm. He tells me that this is th way it has to be. That it's good for the kids etc etc... But what about me, and what about this child? I really feel he needs to start thinking about what's good for us to. I have never complained about him going up there every weekend. I knew he had children when we got together, and I would hate to do anything of detrement to his relationship with them...It's the relationship with her that makes me feel weird.

OP posts:
FabulousBakerGirl · 18/05/2009 12:25

ILoveTiffany - how can you say every weekend is a bit much for him to see his children? He might be seeing his ex but he is seeing his children too.

IBTP - have you met his children? Have you spoken to his ex?

Overmydeadbody · 18/05/2009 12:25

Could you not go too some weekends and both of you stay at his mum's house?

Overmydeadbody · 18/05/2009 12:26

Yes I don't think every weekend is too much to see his children either. How old are the children? If they're very young I can see why it might be easier for both parents to be present some of the time at least.

GypsyMoth · 18/05/2009 12:29

fabulous baker girl- i say this because he has a pregnant partner who he won't be seeing or supporting over the weekend. and soon a third child who he won't see either,unless he makes the relevant changes. thats why!! or am i wrong to think he should consider these two other people?

GypsyMoth · 18/05/2009 12:32

no need for any detriment towards his relationship with his kids ibtp...none at all. he needs to separate his feelings for his ex though,and show you some respect!

what are his working hours and when does he leave at the weekend and return again?

how long would his journey take him? car or public transport?

MarkStretch · 18/05/2009 12:33

I agree ILT.

FabulousBakerGirl · 18/05/2009 12:33

The OP knew he had children when she met him and his current children shouldn't miss out because he has chosen to have another baby.
And he will see the third child in the week.

Original poster
IBlameThePenguins · 18/05/2009 12:43

i'm not asking him not to go every weekend FBG...never have. It's the whole exP thing I'm confused about!

OP posts:
MarkStretch · 18/05/2009 12:45

I wonder how he would feel if you were going away every weekend to stay with an ex?

bethoo · 18/05/2009 12:51

sounds to me like he is still into his ex sorry

GypsyMoth · 18/05/2009 12:53

and the baby? when will his third child meet his first and second? and how will he facilitate the relationship between all the siblings?

HE knew he had kids and responsibilities to juggle when he met new partner and agreed to have a third child with her! how did he imagine juggling it all?

also,as i previously stated. this cosy little arrangement will come to a very abrupt end once his ex meets a new man!! this man needs to have proper access set in place now,to pre empt the inevitable upheaval this will bring. he should also act now to make it normal for his kids BEFORE the new arrival arrives.

could he not look on some of the parenting forums for separated parents to see what other dads do? www.wikivorce.com etc

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 18/05/2009 12:56

His XP and his children are family. It's far better that he is on good terms with her than bad ones. Please don't listen to idiots who say you should demand some 'respect' from him ie that he should start behaving in a hostile fashion to his XP: making a big territorial deal out of 'I'm the Partner Now!' will make you look stupid and unpleasant.
If your partner is generally supportive, kind, loving and everything you could want when he is with you, then you should appreciate his good relationship with his XP as a sign of a generous-hearted and emotionally mature man. You could also consider getting to know the XP and the children as after all you are all going to be part of the same family now.

prettyfly1 · 18/05/2009 12:57

but fbg - what if he is working in the week - this mum will be alone all day every day and at the weekends so he can not just spend time with his kids but unnescessary time with the mum. I dont think that is fair on her - yes she knew he had kids and that is fine - she seems very accomodating but seriously - where is HER support going to come from and where are the new babies two days going to get fitted in - it has to be equal for all - he chose to have a new relationship and a new baby and needs to be there for BOTH of his families, neither of which is less important then the other.