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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this acceptable ExP Behaviour?

79 replies

IBlameThePenguins · 18/05/2009 11:55

Hi... I've never posted on this thread before but I put the following post on the step-parenting thread, and someone suggested I also post it here for a bit of perspective. I hope I'm not intruding...

My DP has two young DC's and I am 25weeks pregnant. Things are tricky with his ExP, so I don't really get to see his children (who live 200miles away) but he goes away every weekend to see them.

Things have been really tough with DP and I at the moment. It doesn't help that we have no real quality time together etc. But the thing that's really upsetting me is the amount of time he spends at his ExP's when he goes up to see the children.

He will often go and spend whole days there, while she is there too. He even slept there once when she went out for the night. I just phoned him, and he told me he's spending the morning there (His Mum lives about a minute's walk away, so it's not as though he has no where else to go). When her sister had a baby recently, he told he'd become "an Uncle".

I have to be honest...this makes me feel really uncomfortable. He tells me he "has to" maintain an emotional relationship with his ExP for the sake of the children. Is this acceptable? Can he have an emotional relationship with both of us? I have tried to be understanding, but it seems he is always searching for excuses to be there, and she always rings "for a chat" when he's here in the week. I know he rings 2/3times a day to speak to hs kids, but I also know that she rings when the kids aren't with her/are in bed.

Am I totally irrational to feel uncomfortable by this behaviour? I have no family experience of step-children, and no friends who are steps, so really don't know what is normal/acceptable? He also recently told me that he is scared o love out baby because of his other 2 children, which totally broke my heart.

Thanks in advance for any response? I REALLY need to hear what others have to say on the matter. At the moment I just feel so dispondent. I feel as though I just want to take my baby and run

OP posts:

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 18/05/2009 14:25

IBTP: I think you need to start looking for other sources of companionship and support where you are. Not only is it always a mistake to invest everything in one individual, but when that individual has other commitments such as WOHM then it's only practical to look for other friends and companions.
I can appreciate that it's a tricky situation for you: am I right in thinking your PG was not planned, so you must be feeling additionally anxious about that as well. However, sometimes it's helpful to reframe the way we see a situation: you could try telling your self that if you and DP separate, you have proof that he will remain a committed and caring dad to your baby...

blinks · 18/05/2009 14:26

in that case, i think if you trust him, him and ex being on good terms is wonderful.

if it's temporary and eventually you'll be in the same area, the kids will be able to come and stay with you so some of the strain will be taken off.

it's different if you don't trust him though.

VinegarTits · 18/05/2009 14:26

Sorry but i think his ex is BVU not allowing her dc to meet the mother of their half-sibling, when does she plan on telling them your a pg? before the baby i arrives i hope? i think now is the time for you to be building up a relationship with them, before the baby arrives iykwim? i think she is being quite childish and imo the only reason she wouldnt want her dc to met you is because she is jealous and still has feelings for your dp

blinks · 18/05/2009 14:28

i missed that... will she not let them meet?

that's shitty.

Original poster

IBlameThePenguins · 18/05/2009 14:29

Sorry...what do WOHM and BVU mean...still a bit new to all this

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 18/05/2009 14:30

vinegartits.....i have said much the same throughout this thread. majority seem to think its fine that the op is left and he see's kids and ex,every weekend,excluding new partner.

Haribosmummy · 18/05/2009 14:31

WOHM - Work out of the home MUm

BVU - Being very unreasonable

VinegarTits · 18/05/2009 14:39

I agree with you ILT, i have a very amicable relationship with my xp, he has ds every other weekend from fri-sun, i have no desire to spend who days with him and ds. He has a new dp who has a ds same age as my ds, my ds meet her before i even knew about her, i do not dictate to my xp who he can and cant introduce to our ds and vice versa, we are mature adults and i trust his judgement

Atm we live half an hour away from xp, i plan on moving soon, xp knows this, we will be 150 miles away, xp has no problem with it and will still keep the same arrangement and come and pick up ds every other weekend as usual

She sounds like she still has a lot of control over your dp, and sounds like he allows her to control him still. if i were in your postion i would be quite miffed

VinegarTits · 18/05/2009 14:40

whole days not 'who'

Original poster

IBlameThePenguins · 18/05/2009 14:47

aaaah...thanks HM.

Vinegartits it's the control thing that worries me...Not so much the fact that she's trying to control him, but the fact that she's succeding...or rather the fact that he's allowing her to do so.

OP posts:

VinegarTits · 18/05/2009 14:53

IMTP i think you need to sit down with your dp and have a long chat about how you feel, hopefully he is not intentionally overlooking your feelings and you can talk some sense into him, once you have him on side then he then needs to tackle his ex and talk to her about furture arrangements, his dc need to be told about you and the baby asap. It will be very difficult to explain this situation to them after the baby arrives

Original poster

IBlameThePenguins · 18/05/2009 15:01

You're right. I have tried so many times to talk to him about the children and the relationship they are to have with their new sibling, and me as their new sibling's Mum...Maybe I should just give him this thread to read

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 18/05/2009 15:29

Oh I remember you as well I blame - you didnt have any kind of involvement in their split but she still blamed you - am I right. Is she still being a pain. I dont normally agree with solid but she is spot on for this one in terms of building a life of your own but you damned well do have the right to demand he be present for the birth of HIS THIRD child.

VinegarTits · 18/05/2009 15:38

Ask him how long he is planning on keeping you are your baby a secret from his dc? even if you and your dp seperate they still have a right to know that they have a half sibling. It sounds like a very strange situation to me, and he seems to be doing everything in his power to keep his ex happy and nothing at all to make sure you and his child are happy

Maybe you should show him this thread, and send it to the ex at the same time, she cant stay in denial forever

Lulumama · 18/05/2009 15:42

this bit concerns me

"I have had a tough pregnancy, and really struggled with illness up until about 20 weeks. My DP has not been that supportive. He has remained distamt from this pregnancy, and has only recently began to show a slight interest after I sat him down to explain that I really would like some support. I have explained that I at least need him to be contactable when he's away, but very often his phone is off or not charged up, and he is very distant when he does answer...which is when the doubts begin to creep in."

to you, he seems more committed to his ex and his children, you don;t trust him and feel very much secondary.

it is great he is committed to his children, and that is to be commended, but sounds like you are very much on the periphery, bearing in midn you are having his child in a few weeks time ..

what is your gut feeling?

saultanpepper · 18/05/2009 15:50

I'll provide my own experience from the other side, hope it'll help.

My STBXW and I separated at Easter after months of unhappiness, after she said she wasn't sure she loved me and admitted seeing someone else while I was away working. I am no longer in love with her and do not trust her, so there is no chance of a reconciliation.

We have two lovely DCs, whom we both love dearly. She works overnight one night a week and I stay at her place (what was our married home) on that night with the kids. I get to see them, they get to see me, it works fine. I would not countenance staying overnight if she was there as our relationship is now one of friendship, and friendship only. I also have the kids every other weekend, which gives both of us decent time with the kids and also decent time for ourselves. Perhaps you could suggest a similar arrangement for weekends? I would imagine you could do with some help and support on weekends as well...?

rgds
Saul

Original poster

IBlameThePenguins · 18/05/2009 15:55

lulumama...you have it spot on. my head & my heart are telling me 2 very different things at the moment

OP posts:

Lulumama · 18/05/2009 15:58

time has come for a 'cards on teh table'talk

you are not asking him to abandon his children, but to demonstrate some tangible commitment to you and your baby.

must be very difficult

Original poster

IBlameThePenguins · 18/05/2009 16:05

I know taht you are right...and I know that we need to have that talk. I suppose I am just terified of being left alone and pregnant.

OP posts:

Lulumama · 18/05/2009 16:16

well, you feel alone anyway...

he might realise what is at stake, but oyu cannot live this sort of half life, with you feeling on the edge of it all

VinegarTits · 18/05/2009 16:19

Do you have friends/family close by who can support you?

Original poster

IBlameThePenguins · 18/05/2009 16:25

No...I think i mentioned earlier, I have a very supportive family, but they live 400miles away. I really only know my colleagues here.

But lulu's right if nothing changes then i am alone either way. I just feel terrible for making a mess to bring my poor baby into.

OP posts:

Surfermum · 18/05/2009 16:39

It's not of your doing, don't be so hard on yourself .

MeMySonAndI · 18/05/2009 16:50

I don't think you are alone, you just need to share this man's time with his children for a while and make him see how important is for you to get more support at the moment. For him it might be the third pregnancy but for you is the first one therefore you need a little more TLC.

I understand how difficult it can be to be on your own on the weekends, but considering how small the children are it might be too much to ask for them to go to his dad who lives so far away.

Things will get easier when you move, in the mean time, best of luck.

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 18/05/2009 17:05

I think it is acceptable if all parties concerned are happy iwth it.

You're not, so it's not.

I don't think you need to start doing the mad monogamy "how dare you be civil and polite to the mother of your other children" act a la SGB's caricature, as other's have said this situation of him treading on eggshells with her is temporary until you move and until the children are older. Relationships are a long game.

You just need to have a discussion about the balance between his need to have a civilised and if possible friendly relationship with his xw and his need to support you and ask him to consider what the reasonable balance is and how he proposes to achieve that.

Once you've had that discussion, you'll be clearer about where his priorities lie and how acceptable they are to you.

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