Is this acceptable ExP Behaviour?

[IBlameThePenguins]

Hi... I've never posted on this thread before but I put the following post on the step-parenting thread, and someone suggested I also post it here for a bit of perspective. I hope I'm not intruding...

My DP has two young DC's and I am 25weeks pregnant. Things are tricky with his ExP, so I don't really get to see his children (who live 200miles away) but he goes away every weekend to see them.

Things have been really tough with DP and I at the moment. It doesn't help that we have no real quality time together etc. But the thing that's really upsetting me is the amount of time he spends at his ExP's when he goes up to see the children.

He will often go and spend whole days there, while she is there too. He even slept there once when she went out for the night. I just phoned him, and he told me he's spending the morning there (His Mum lives about a minute's walk away, so it's not as though he has no where else to go). When her sister had a baby recently, he told he'd become "an Uncle".

I have to be honest...this makes me feel really uncomfortable. He tells me he "has to" maintain an emotional relationship with his ExP for the sake of the children. Is this acceptable? Can he have an emotional relationship with both of us? I have tried to be understanding, but it seems he is always searching for excuses to be there, and she always rings "for a chat" when he's here in the week. I know he rings 2/3times a day to speak to hs kids, but I also know that she rings when the kids aren't with her/are in bed.

Am I totally irrational to feel uncomfortable by this behaviour? I have no family experience of step-children, and no friends who are steps, so really don't know what is normal/acceptable? He also recently told me that he is scared o love out baby because of his other 2 children, which totally broke my heart.

Thanks in advance for any response? I REALLY need to hear what others have to say on the matter. At the moment I just feel so dispondent. I feel as though I just want to take my baby and run

i think this is always going to happen when a new baby is brought into a new relationship so early on (sorry, but IMHO, given that you have only been together for a year and are 25 weeks PG, that's quite soon)

No one has settled into the new dynamics.

The partner (dad) doesn't want to appear (or perhaps even feel) that he is putting his children second, but his exP (regardless of feelings for each other) hasn't had time to adjust to not being around the kids and the kids themselves haven't had time to adjust to the new situation.

I agree that it's hard on the new partner (OP) especially as she DOES need to consider the new baby.

my only advice would be to try and take things as slowly as possible and just work things out as best as possible.

I've been a SM (step mum) for over 10 years and am now a mum to my DS and a DD (due in August).

It's a personal opinion, so I don't mean to get to anyone about this, but there is no way we could have dealt with a new baby so soon after getting together. It took a year of us being together before I even met the kids. We felt it took this time for everyone to adjust (the kids were 1 and 3).

After that, we took it slowly. So now, the kids are 14 and 11 and LOVE their DB and aren't phased at all at having a new DS on the way, but I think it would have been different 10 years ago!!!!

I really do feel for the OP, because you are now between a rock and a hardplace...

Is there anyway you can try to work out a compromise? Can your DP spend some quality time with the baby during the week?

Is it possible for you to drive with him (or better for baby) take the train to see the other kids (even if you can't see the kids - you could spend some time with his mum perhaps???)

it is SOO hard, but don't try to push it too much. IMHO, he is trying to do the right thing by the kids (and when they are young, that DOES mean doing the right thing by their mum too)

It'll come good. Honestly!

HM

200 miles there and then back again every weekend? you have to admire his comittment! some dads just wouldn't do that,and keep it up....

seriously though,with a new baby on the way,thats got to hit your finances really hard,as well as the other problems you are coming across. i don't think this is sustainable,which is why i think he should re-assess.

Why does he not have the kids at his house? no way would i want my xp in my house all day when he wants to spend time with our ds, no ds goes off to stay at his house during those times, and ds is only 2, and xp lives 30 min drive away.

The only reason i would ever want my xp around me would be if i was still into him

You don't know it will come to an end when his ex meets someone else. You are assuming that. She might have someone else. They might be having a parent realtionship showing their children they can be together in a civil manner. They might be having an affair. Until the OP talks to all concerned everything is just assumptions.

Things are difficult when two families are involved but as the issue is about the ex - then that needs sorting asap.

People can like their xps/co-parents without wanting to have sex with them. Some people are great co-parents but lousy partners, that's all (or the particular couple-relationship was just not working).
Of all the silly tropes of monogamist thinking, the one that you have to either hate your XPs or be accused of still wanting sex with them (with no middled ground for friendship, coparenthood or mutual respect) is one of the more damaging ones.
Yes, the OP and her DP and the XP probably do need to discuss things a bit more and make some adjustments to make sure tha all the DC in the family get fair and equal treatment, and situations change all the time as DC grow up and start having opinions of their own anyway - but a bout of territorial pissing and panicking about monogamism isn't going to help anyone.

Well, my DH did just that.

he drove from Manchester to London EVERY WEEKEND to see his kids.

And ten years on, he still has very close relationships with both of them.

His ExW would have LOVED for him to lose touch with the kids (she'd love to be able to call him a deadbeat - and probably does anyway) and she put lots of obstacles in his way (such as having to deal with her during that time)

But kids are not kids forever and they will see who is playing games and who isn't.

I think good on any dad who does what it takes to keep in contact with his kids.

Having been through it, yes, it's tough, but I know the father of my children is a great dad. That says (and means!) a lot and I hope the OP can take at least SOOME comfort from that.

"Please don't listen to idiots who say you should demand some 'respect' from him ie that he should start behaving in a hostile fashion to his XP: making a big territorial deal out of 'I'm the Partner Now!' will make you look stupid and unpleasant"

No-one has said that she should start demanding anything or that he should start being hostile. And IBlame hasn't come across to me about being territorial about anything.

She is understandably confused about what to me seems like blurred boundaries with his relationship with his ex.

I think he's going to have to have a good think about how he sees contact with all his children working, and that he needs to be working towards having the children to stay at yours, so the 3 children can spend time together like siblings do.

And as usual I agree with everything prettyfly says .

vinegartits.....am wondering the same thing!!?

" Is this acceptable? "

IMO - yes it is. Infact I think it paints him in a good light as a mature person who is willing to maintain a good relationship with the mother of his other children for their sakes. He sounds like a great dad who wants to be in his children's lives.

Can understand why you might be feeling jealousy specially about him staying there but you have to trust him.

VinegarTits - because they are 200 miles away and to drag kids all that way on their own every weekend would be a bit much?

Maybe he could start having them at the OPs house for a weekend once a month or so?

I would very muh like a relationship with his children, but at the moment his ExP keeps changing her mind about whether or not it's allowed. It is putting massive pressure on us as a couple, which is partly why I thought I would come on here to get some perspective. I really really don't want to start big arguments. I am just very very confused.

And, yes I'm sure pregnancy hormones are not helping. And, yes, I am pregnant very soon into this relationship, but after lots of investigation, I was told that I was infertile (Endometrosis and cystic ovaries), so I really didn't pre-emt this as being an issue I would have to deal with. In fact, I was just beginning to get my head around the fact that I would never have children, and then Wham! I am pregnant.

I don't want to sound like some terretorial witch. I would like for his ExP and I to have a civil relationship, and i would LOVE for my baby to have a relationship with his/her siblings. His ExP regularly refers to me as the person she hates, so it's not going to be as easy as all that.

I have had a tough pregnancy, and really struggled with illness up until about 20 weeks. My DP has not been that supportive. He has remained distamt from this pregnancy, and has only recently began to show a slight interest after I sat him down to explain that I really would like some support. I have explained that I at least need him to be contactable when he's away, but very often his phone is off or not charged up, and he is very distant when he does answer...which is when the doubts begin to creep in.

Yes, I have tried to talk to him about this, but he just goes all non-commital on me.

It really is a tough situation, one which I appreciate would never be easy. I value the opinions you have all given.

Sorry..that turned out to be quite an off-loading!

his ex partner keeps changing her mind to as if its allowed???

sorry...did i make no sense? I meant to say she keeps changing her mind about me meeting the children. One minute i'm "allowed" the next I'm not, then I am again etc etc etc.

so you've not met them at all yet?

I think you need to get your OH to start talking to his ex about the future and their kids having a relationship with the child you are about to have.

ok that would make me uncomfortable and in light of what you have just said I am afraid that I do think a little more respect for you is in order - what would happen if you had a medical emergency for instance and his phone was off. I dont think there are many of us who would not be uncomfortable in your position and I do think there is some line blurring going on. Dont worry about people getting a little het up - its the beauty of mumsnet and its a tough issue for many of us - this is about your situation. As a matter of interest what rl support have you got right now - have you discussed medical issues for the weekends he is away?

Yes, I met them a few times when DP and I were first together. They are fantastic children, and we had a lovely time. It's been a long time since I've seen them though. They have not been told that they are getting a new sibling. I find that very sad.

DP says he would really like me to meet them, but we have to do it his ExP's way (which I do think is fair enough; they are her babies. I do agree that we all need to find some way to move on into the future.

Beanie - I would agree with you... BUT!!!

THe OP is 25 weeks PG... I am 28 weeks PG at the mo and my hormones are ALL OVER THE PLACE. This is not the time to try to start sorting out a nutty ExW (OK, I don't know she's nutty, but she might be, and she's certainly been changing her mind a lot!)

I really think, for the next few months, you should talk about an interim compromise - don't try / make your DP commit to anything other than giving you some extra support.

Think about what time he has and what things he could do for you in that time. What things could / would make you feel more secure.

I really do believe he's a good dad, trying the best to do the right thing by his kids. remember, HIS bond with the baby right now is not as strong as yours, OP.... That will come after the baby is born.

Also, have you considered your birth plan? If your DP cannot commit to being around, then have you considered a doula?

I think I might know you (OP) under a different name???

HM

They are your dp's babies too, she doesn't have to have it all her own way. Having said that we always found it best to avoid upsetting dsd's mum if we possibly could.

Your dp and his x are storing up trouble though if they aren't being honest with the children and preparing them for the arrival of their new sibling.

I really don't blame you for feeling like you do.

Thanks Prettyfly! I don't think I've ever posted such a fast-paced thread before.

It's funny you ask that actually. He is away until Weds this week, and I had quite a nasty fall yesterda evening. I really banged my head, and jarred my lower back quite badly (hence the lack of work, and time spent on MN today. It took me a long time to get hold of him, and I did ask him what if it had been a real emergency, to which he replied "Well...you have my Mum's landline"

I am pretty new to this area, and my family, while very supportive are 400miles away. I really only know my colleagues. I do feel very isolated on the weekends, and tend to laze in my PJ's (I have almost developed a kind of "going out phobia") over the weekend. It's very tough. Maybe that's another reason all this feels so big. I have a lot of time to think about it over the weekends. I have been throwing myself into my work over the last few weeks, which has really helped, but is very tiring. I would like to go along to the NCT "Bumps & Babies" coffee mornings, but they run on weekday mornings, so will have to wait til ML starts (which to be honest is something I'm dreading). Sorry my posts are so long, but this is really the only outlet for me. My RL friends wouldn't recognise me these days, as I am generally considered the life and soul

is there a reason you can't move closer to his children's house...?

Sorry, but I would have expected dd being born to have taken priority over dh seeing dsd or being with his x. I simply wouldn't have accepted that he might not be there and found a doula instead, that would have been a poor second option for me. I wanted dh there when dd was born.

It's about finding balance and room for everyone in a scenario like this and sometimes one person has to take priority and the rest a back seat. It shouldn't all be one way.

Hello HM...Indeed, we have spoken before. I didn't name change for secrecy's sake. Just didnt like the old name!

Would love a doula, but just couldn't afford it. My Mum is going to coma and stay for the few weeks before and after my EDD. DP has reassured me that it is only a 4 hour train journey should he have to get back. I do have one lovely friend here, who has promised to step in should the shit hit the fan!

Totally agree with solidgolds posts.

It's great that your DP has such a great relationship with and commitment to his kids . I'd guess that the arrangement they made about him seeing her in the ex 'family home' was to minimise disruption for the kids.

I do think that'll change if the exp gets a new partner, but by then the situation will have moved on.

Please don't feel suspicious of his ex (unless he gives oyu reason) - he will always have to have a relationship with her, she's the other parent of his kids.

Sorry, am having trouble keeping up... blinks the long term plan is to move to the same city as his DC's, but we need to be here for me to get maternity pay, and so i have to go back for 3months after mat leave.

I do agree, Surfermum... But (even 10 years down the line) my DSD's took priority over DS being born....

Their mum had organised DSD2 to have a photoshoot (OK, at this point, I am NOT kidding) which co-incided with DS's birth and you can guess which one had to be attended to first.

It all worked out and DH was there when DS was born, but I was glad I had the doula on hand just in case he hadn't been back in time.