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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is the OW back in our lives

117 replies

sadhoney · 17/05/2009 19:14

Name changed as know doubt someone will know me, DH was late again after a night out half 3 this morning he rolled in , this has happened a few times in the last 7 weeks.

I know that she was out in the town the other weekend where my husband goes out and they where chatting. He just got up this morning & went to work & now just gone out again like he does every sunday.

We are just getting our marriage back on track after he had an affair with this woman.

Do you think that she is on am i just being parnoid?

OP posts:

junglist1 · 18/05/2009 16:45

junglist1 · 18/05/2009 16:46

Oh and he's not DP, either P or twat

HolyGuacamole · 18/05/2009 17:11

Wow, this guy has a lot to answer for doesn't he?

I am hoping not to be flamed for this...but...I think it is preferable that the DH has told the OP (yes, albeit at her insistence) about this now. Rather than let it go on for months continuously lying about it. Yes, I know he should not have done it in the first place, but he did. I am not making excuses for him or saying that what he has done is any less devastating. However, I do believe that he has let the OP know where she stands with his actions, she found out quickly and has saved a lot of future lies and bullshit. Again, I am not taking away from the obvious hurt and trauma that this has caused.

OP, I really hope that you start getting angry with your DH soon. Yes, the OW has played a part in this, however she has no allegiance to you. Lets say you went to her and said "keep your hands off my DH". Does that stop your DH from pursuing her if that is what he wants?

Your DH had the choices, he took them and now he has to live with that. I hope that when you start to get over the shock of this, that you find the strength to let him go because you deserve better. Him and the OW deserve each other. He chose it to be this way, he knew what he was getting into and he was the one who sought OW at the weekend. What a pr*ck! (sorry I know that is not helpful.)

AnyFucker · 18/05/2009 18:06

totally agree hg

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 18/05/2009 18:18

Wanting sex without commitment doesn't automatically mean one pursues married men, Junglist. It measn one looks for partners who are equally uninterested in pairbonding, that's all.

HappyWoman · 18/05/2009 18:24

but if you know one is married then surely its a no go - a bit like if you knew someone was say underage???

I also worry about the disease side of it. Of couse there are many that can be prevented but also many that are not prevented. And although those who are consenting to the sexual relationship know the risks there is often an 'innocent' partner.

And if we all got ourselves checked out sexual (as we should) i think there would be a lot more questions to be answered in some homes.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 18/05/2009 18:28

Well there are plenty of available shagpartners out there who are not married, so I personally don't pursue men who are committed elsewhere (men i.n open relationships are obviously available if they want to be). As to whether people who are decieving a partner are more likely to be careless with their sexual health than those who are free and single, I don't know (again, the 'romantic' types are the worst for unplanned pregnancy and social diseases because they are too stupid to be practical).

HappyWoman · 18/05/2009 18:33

i think partners who are decieving their partners are less likely to be aware of sexual health - they are too arogant to think it will affect them Also too arogant to think they will get caught.

But as is seen on here so many times the men(and i know i am sterotyping) follow the same script.
And i bet it is the wives who make the first step to get sexually checked out. Just my opinion though.

abedelia · 18/05/2009 18:43

Agreed, Happywoman. Sadly, the only time most people in a supposedly monogamous relationship go for tests is when they're pregnant. And it's a bit late by then...

While I think child abuse is a bit ott, prams does have a point - it isn't just about the adults and the fact grown men / women don't spare a thought for the people they are supposed to have unconditional love for and protect above all else is vile. The damage that affairs do to children is heartbreaking. My H's ow's nipper had to go and see a child psychologist as a result - she was wetting the bed all the time (aged 9) because of the atmosphere at home. Not sure what the term for that sort of damage is?

Anyway, to cheat once can be a mistake. To do it twice means he has no respect for you or your family, and doesn't care if he causes you pain - he's already seen how bad it was for you once, so if he was a decent human being there's no way he'd do it again.

I know you want it all to go away, but that can't happen. I would say twice was a dealbreaker. Either way, he deserves to know that his behaviour is wrong and he needs to go. Let him see how glorious she is once she's not made up and down the pub, he sees her wrinkles and realises she isn't still 18 and has to wash her kids' socks. Also - tell her H if she's still with him. The faster it's all out in the open the grubbier it will look and the more cold water will be poured on their little escapade. Either way, he deserves to know.

ladylush · 19/05/2009 21:41

OP - very sad you are going through this.
Here's my take on the OW thing. Most of all your husband is to blame. He was the one who commited to you and your children and he is the person who has broken that promise. OW is to blame as well. She has contributed to the damage caused to your relationship - along with much pain and upset. She obviously has no scruples and doesn't care that she is helping to wreck your family.
Please don't compare yourself to that wretched woman. There is no point. The only worthwhile comparison is to note that you would not do to another woman what she has done to you. When my h had an affair I fantasised about going to see the ow and having it out with her. Glad I didn't now. I think it would have made her feel more significant. No way would I have wanted that. There was no emotional attachment though - I think that would've been harder to deal with.
I don't think you should make things easy for your h. Taking him back has not kept him faithful so it doesn't work. He seems infatuated with the ow. Maybe he needs to see what he stands to lose with you in order to wake up from this stupour he is in. Obviously there is always a risk that he might choose ow, but letting him stay with you will not take that risk away and indeed might just prolong the agony.

Heated · 19/05/2009 22:02

really wise words from ladylush

how you doing sadhoney?

creamcaramella · 19/05/2009 23:33

She's probably making up with DH and willing to give him a 3rd chance. Or agreeing to allow him to 'eat his cake and have it'

I'm sorry but from all her posts, i dont think she can kick him out or let him go. We'r all different.

I for one, will make my DH regret ever knowing me if he's to try that. Not to talk of him telling me he 'made love' to someone else. I'll give him hell he'll forget whatever forbidden pleasure he might have had.

Sometimes u really need you to be a bitch for them to get your point.

I do hope she finds happiness in whatever she decides to do.

AnyFucker · 20/05/2009 14:53

cream, I agree with your general opinion (ie. she is not ready to kick him to the kerb) but your contemptuous tone is a little unkind

OP, are you still around?

any updates?

ladylush · 20/05/2009 18:04

Cream - I also think it is easy to say what you will do when you're not actually in that situation. I agree with you though re. his use of the words "made love" - that would make me hopping mad.

creamcaramella · 20/05/2009 20:41

AnyFucker. yes i only realised that after posting but i didn't mean to sound like that. I do feel it for OP. I'm just cynical because i have loved ones in a similar situation that are miserable and i really can't understand what they'r staying for. Especially as one of them is abusing her dd.

ladylush- I know. It's just so terrible. Especially as i personally have trust issues. It's very difficult and takes time for me to trust totally. It took dh a while to convince me that he truly loved. So i guess thats why i feel if that trust is broken.... No-one deserves to go thru this.

AnyFucker · 20/05/2009 21:30

nope, no-one deserves to go through this

HappyWoman · 21/05/2009 07:17

she may not be ready to kick him to the kerb - but it is like any other form of abuse - honey will be at a very low point and he will convince her it will not happen again and he needs her to 'save' him from himself.

Honey - you know you can do this and even if you have not thrown him out dont feel you have failed just because everyone here says you should.

As for the trust issue - it does take a long time to re-build but as i have said before i do think there can still be a relationship with a different level of trust.

I can totally trust my h to do childcare.
I can totally trust my h with money.

I have doubts that he can pass up an invitation for a work function (in case he will miss out)

I have doubts that he can control himself when drink and woman are around and he does not always know the boundaries he should set himself. He is a friendly flirtatious man and he does seem to attract women.

However - we have worked out our problems with this and i do believe he WANTS to change and that he will never embark on an affair again.

I think society almost turns a blind eye and as it is so common it can almost become 'accepted' in some workplaces. Once the affair starts i also believe it is hard to stop and almost becomes an addiction where the real consequences are never thought about.

But if everyone is willing to work it through it can be solved.

I think maybe honey your h has never really had to face up to what he has done and it is only him that can change if he really wants to. There is help out there for him - you cannot force him to take it - as with any other addiction.

Good luck anyway.

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