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Original poster

Is the OW back in our lives

117 replies

sadhoney · 17/05/2009 19:14

Name changed as know doubt someone will know me, DH was late again after a night out half 3 this morning he rolled in , this has happened a few times in the last 7 weeks.

I know that she was out in the town the other weekend where my husband goes out and they where chatting. He just got up this morning & went to work & now just gone out again like he does every sunday.

We are just getting our marriage back on track after he had an affair with this woman.

Do you think that she is on am i just being parnoid?

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 17/05/2009 22:03

she sounds lovely, sleeping with a married man I know he's the one in the wrong but as a woman I would like to think she'd have some self restraint

honey - he isn't conflicted at all here, he's a fucking coward who won't make up his mind because he can't deal with the fallout

Original poster
sadhoney · 17/05/2009 22:06

There wasnt any thing wrong that i was aware of we where living a normal happy family life we talked, made love went out as a couple and as a family there wasnt anything that i could tell, I have going over that.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadhoney · 17/05/2009 22:09

Just heard him downstairs i am going to go and talk to him so what we are going to do or see if its better to wait until we have calmed down, going to be a long night

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 17/05/2009 22:10

good luck whatever you decide to do

cherryblossoms · 17/05/2009 22:12

As everyone here is saying - it's not a "her" versus "you" thing. You are you, and you are perfect at being you. You must lose this train of thought because unhappiness lies that way.

It's undoubtedly more about growing apart within a marriage, his age and then opportunity. The fact she was a childhood sweetheart probably just helped them both to rationalise what they were doing as something "fated", and help them deal with any guilt.

I know you say your marriage was perfect before but I think you're giving it a story which is very damaging to you. It's horrible, but clearly, something was amiss, on his side at least, and this is how he dealt with it.

You have all my sympathy - it sounds an awful situation to be in, and a bad situation to deal with psychologically.

junglist1 · 17/05/2009 22:12

Tell him to get out. I know you want him, course you do, but you have to think of yourself and DC's now. Your life is shattered now, but when he realises what a slagbag he's involved with, you will have moved on, and will hopefully be with someone who treats you like a queen. These 2 won't be happy together, believe me, but you have the chance to be. And don't feel bad about yourself, at least you are a good role model to your kids. What about slagbag I hope she doesn't have daughters.

poopscoop · 17/05/2009 22:12

Honey - there will be plenty of time for reflection afterwards, but what you need to do now is sort out about the present.

Your husband has chosen to be unfaithful to his wife of 18 years.

He has now come to you and told you they 'made love'

Now logic tells you what you need to do. But I am getting the impression that you want him to stay and that it will all go away and you will be happy families again. That may or may not happen, and it certainly wont take the pain away from you overnight. How will you ever trust him again.

I have a feeling that you are prepared to put up with it. In which case, it is very very sad.

Doha · 17/05/2009 22:13

He cheated before--shame on him

he has cheated again -are you prepared to tolerate this and let your self respect go down the pan--shame on you

Kick the tosser out--even if you make him choose he will go running after her and you will never be able to trust him again.

Don't let him have his cake and eat it

frisbyrat · 17/05/2009 22:14

You know where she lives? Got dc? Fantasize about going round there, knocking on the door, and telling her, "Yo bitch, you want my husband, you take the whole package, kids too."

But don't actually do it. Just imagine her pissed-off face, as you throw a spanner in her star-cross'd lovers scenario. Get angry, please. It may help you on the way to kicking him out. He sounds like an absolute twat and I'm very sorry you're going through this. Not helpful, I know, but I'm thinking of you.

Original poster
sadhoney · 17/05/2009 22:14

thank you all for your support will keep you posted

no jung she has got sons

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 17/05/2009 22:17

But SHE is single, so has nothing to lose and everything to gain?

prettyfly1 · 17/05/2009 22:19

sad I understand your anger at her - andtbh it comes across like you NEED it to be about her or you but NOT about him because then you have to blame him and make decisions. The fact is this IS his fault. It doesnt matter if it was jsut because it was her, or if there were noone else. He cannot walk away from her and if you keep him neither can you. You must tell him to leave at least temporarily so you can clear your head. Is there anyone you can call?

AnyFucker · 17/05/2009 22:22

the OW has nothing to "gain" except a cheating twat

poopscoop · 17/05/2009 22:24

Honey, don't be taken in by apologies and another round of lies this evening. He will want to lull you nto thinking things are ok for the moment. Please don't believe a word he comes out with. Bastard.

pramspotter · 17/05/2009 22:27

She is too at fault as much as the husband. Any woman who shags a married man with young children is colluding in child abuse. The most important thing for children is a secure family where their dad puts their mum first. Putting mum first is putting the kids first.

The husband and OW are both to blame. The OW is a sick bitch and the husband is pathetic.

poopscoop · 17/05/2009 22:32

colluding in child abuse?

pramspotter · 17/05/2009 22:34

Yep. It's abusive towards the children to make their mother suffer like this.

Divatheshopaholic · 17/05/2009 22:41

well said Pramspotter.
totally utterly agree that OW is the one blame,too including The cheater.
you took him back once, and dont do it again, i know its hard but it will happen again, or you will live in Threesome affair where your husband goes and shaggs when he is bored.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 17/05/2009 22:56

Oh FFS pramspotter that is a ridiculous exaggeration. The husband is guilty of being selfish and dishonest towards his wife. He's probably being equally dishonest towards his other woman (telling her his wife doesn;t understand him/they never have sex/he and the OW are star-crossed lovers etc). HE is the bad person here.

KiwiKat · 17/05/2009 23:02

whatever you think about this woman - and I think we're all in agreement that she's a skanky whore - you must focus your energy on what happens next with your HUSBAND. You want him to be with you because he WANTS to, not because he thinks he should. So you must now ask him to leave, and come back only when he's ready to be part of a committed, faithful marriage, at which point tell him you'll consider it, although you can't promise you'll take him back.

Anything else would be crumbs from his table, and he won't respect you for it. If you kick him out now, it may well give him the fright of his life and he could realise just how much he's got to lose. It's really important how you play this, if you want to win in the long term.

AnyFucker · 17/05/2009 23:11

kiwikat, he is no "prize" to "win"

fucking hell, what century are we in

he has dragged his relationship throuh the shitter twice with the same woman

how to play this?

the game would be over for me

Heated · 17/05/2009 23:12

I'm going to be blunt. This is how it is:

He does not care enough about your feelings or your children to put them first. If he loved you, you would be his priority; you no longer are. It's him and his dick first - it's all about him him him and his needs. He isn't the man you married 18 years ago but has become a selfish prick. He'll dress his appalling behaviour up in some romantic drivel, but the outcome will mean that he will continue to hurt you.

He won't do it - but say he turns round and says alright I won't see her anymore - will that make it all go away? No, because he'll still be thinking of pastures new, martyrdom will turn to resentment and you'll never trust him and that will eat away at you. And that's not the kind of marriage anyone wants.

You going to need to grow some and chuck him out. Look him in the eye and tell him he isn't good enough for you. Then find a solicitor to protect you and yours.

prettyfly1 · 17/05/2009 23:20

but kiwi - she already did that. OP I know its incredibly hard but this situation is not going to change. I know right now that you are going through taht horrific, unable to breathe, stomach churning, mind racing, skin crawling agony of him with another woman, him leaving, your marriage being over, not being with him again, telling the kids. Its awful and scary and hard but HE has betrayed you. He has betrayed your kids, HE lied to you last night, HE has no doubt also lied to her. HE cant even protect your feelings enough to watch what he says to you - he either doesnt care or thinks you will just take it and he may well be right. If you arent going to get mad and deal with this for yourself can you do it for your kids. Do they deserve to have their mother walked over, to be betrayed by their father who doesnt even care enough not to rip their lives apart due to a pathetic infatuation with a childhood ex. Do they deserve to watch their mother be torn apart trying to condone it. NO. So stand up for them, do whats right and get him out at least for now to teach him that your family deserves better. If you really want to keep him from there then tell him its relate and time but dont let him bully you any more.

KiwiKat · 17/05/2009 23:22

Anyfucker - While I agree that he might not seem much of a prize to the rest of us, the OP has stated that she wants him back. This guy is obviously thoroughly enjoying being wanted by the OW, and is taking it for granted that the OP wants him too. All I'm saying is that it might shake his cocksure confidence in himself if he doesn't have a guaranteed safe place to come back to, and may make him think twice about what he's got to lose.

Apologies if my terminology upset your delicate sensibilities.

KiwiKat · 17/05/2009 23:26

Am off to bed now, Sadhoney. So sorry that this has happened.