Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is the OW back in our lives

117 replies

sadhoney · 17/05/2009 19:14

Name changed as know doubt someone will know me, DH was late again after a night out half 3 this morning he rolled in , this has happened a few times in the last 7 weeks.

I know that she was out in the town the other weekend where my husband goes out and they where chatting. He just got up this morning & went to work & now just gone out again like he does every sunday.

We are just getting our marriage back on track after he had an affair with this woman.

Do you think that she is on am i just being parnoid?

OP posts:
greenpeople · 18/05/2009 02:49

dear sadhoney,

if you ever leave this loser, remember to take him to the cleaners.

you have kids, so make sure you get your fair share of matrimonial assets.

if you hang on to this loser, well, you would definitely need the $ because you need to see a dr for depression and your kids would not be happy at home.

AnyFucker · 18/05/2009 07:41

lol at my delicate sensibilities

sadhoney, are you around today?

how are you

HappyWoman · 18/05/2009 07:51

Sadhoney - you really must kick him out - that is the only way he will ever come crawling back to you.

When my h had his affair i wanted to 'win' and 'keep' him.

My h didnt want to leave me BUT he also didnt want to lose the ow. And while we both allowed it he had both.

Only once i hit rock bottom and sought legal advice to start the seperation did he have a massive shock to actually make him really think about what he was about to throw away.
Until then he had the luxury of not having to decide - we both wanted him to choose us and it was just a matter of who would force the decision.
At one point my h thought he had made the choice to be with her and then when i accepted that and got myself a solicitor he wavered.

It is hard but you dont want him if he is only staying beacuse you asked him to - you want him to WANT to be with you and do whatever it takes to make you feel special and wanted.

You can do this - you can survive without him and if he doesnt come back then he really is not worth fighting for.

As for the ow - he will one day have a moment of clarity and see her for what she is - she will also have to watch her back for a long time too - she will never be able to trust him again will she?

Good luck and stay strong - remember how you vowed to yourself you would never let him do this to you again - act now and kick him out and let him back in on his knees.

pramspotter · 18/05/2009 10:21

Solidgold I did say that the husband was just as bad as the OW. They are equally sick. A man who cheats when he has a wife and children is a sick evil bastard. An OW who allows herself to develop feelings for and acts on them with said man is also a sick evil bastard. It is sad when children have to suffer so much because some adults are controlled by their genitals and think that their own romantic and sexual feelings are so important.

HappyWoman · 18/05/2009 10:29

just because you are not married to the person does not give you the right to knowingly help destroy the family.

Of course it is the h who is in the wrong but until we ALL take responsibility for our actions we will be argueing about who is to blame.

The innocent ones here are the wife (and i dont believe there was anything missing from the marriage) and the children.

BOTH H and the ow knew the hurt they were causeing and yet continued, regaudless for anyone elses feelings. That is curel by any standards.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 18/05/2009 11:29

Happy Woman I couldn't agree with you more. The husband and the OW are equally responsible for the devastation this has caused. I have said it before, we ALL have a responsibility to behave decently to one another. To absolve the OW of any responsibility in all this is ridiculous - just as ridiculous as it would be to absolve him.

OP, this is going to be the hardest act of your life to pull off, but I urge you to send him packing, at least for now. I do think there is hope here - an 18 year relationship that was fine until this happened will not be thrown away lightly, especially given the closeness and intimacy you shared up until recently.

Old flames, nostalgia and sexual attraction are an intoxicating mix, that's for sure. It is easy to see how these feelings can cause a temporary insanity in an otherwise decent, happily married man. ALL of us are vulnerable to those feelings, but see it for what it is. There are plenty of DHs spoken about on here that scratch their heads in disbelief that they risked so much for so little, but when people are in the midst of the insanity, they cannot see clearly and appear to lose all rational thought processes.

Think of this as tough love. It doesn't mean you won't take him back at some point (when he inevitably comes to his senses) but make him go now, please.

Only you can decide at a later point whether you want him back - I'm rather hoping you won't, to be honest - but that's for later. The point is you must make him think that you and he are now over and that there is no going back.

Sending overwhelming support to you - you must be in terrible shock. Take care of yourself.

MorrisZapp · 18/05/2009 13:24

You poor thing, honey. I second everybody else who says chuck him out now, and negotiate later. He must not be allowed to have you both, that does nobody any good.

I understand you must feel very bitter towards OW but it is DH who has done this to you and your DCs.

PF, it is a preposterous assertion to refer to cheaters as sick, evil child abusers. Relationships break down all the time for all sorts of reasons, and it is simply pointless to think that anybody who separates when they have kids are sick or evil.

Life isn't so black and white imo. This guy has behaved like a grade a selfish twat, but I'm sure he loves his kids and isn't 'evil'. As for OW, it's pointless calling her anything.

If infidelity threads on here have shown us anything, it's that the lies go in both directions. For all we know, honey's DH has lied to OW, saying that he doesn't have sex with honey or even that they are only together for the kids but have agreed to open marriage until kids left home.

Sick, evil, etc is just silly and totally misplaced. Who knows what went on.

pramspotter · 18/05/2009 13:33

MorrisZapp there are reasonable and healthy ways to start and end relationships and there are sick and evil ways of starting and ending relationshiops. Affairs fall under that latter.

AnyFucker · 18/05/2009 13:36

great post, whenwillIfeelnormal

dizzydixies · 18/05/2009 13:42

well done whenwillIfeelnormal - I agreed in an earlier post that the OW had a degree of responsibility too within all this mess

sadhoney hope you're ok

KiwiKat · 18/05/2009 13:42

Agreed, AnyFucker.

MorrisZapp · 18/05/2009 13:54

Of course it's harmful, selfish etc to start an affair. But sick and evil is a pointless exaggeration.

Most of my family are married to/ have kids with partners other than their first. And thinking about it, most of them started seeing their current partners either when still with their ex, or still in process of breaking up.

It is difficult, painful etc all round. But it happens all the time amongst decent people who dearly love their kids and who are not 'child abusers', just human.

I've been () this close to getting off with somebody behind my DPs back. I didn't do it (thank god) but I understand the impulses and the influences that can make loving, kind people behave like absolute selfish idiots.

If my DP cheated on me I'd be heartbroken and devastated. But I could never view this as sick or evil, though I'd have some very choice words to describe his behaviour, as we all have about the OPs DH.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 18/05/2009 14:55

It's partly because we are forcefed all the romantic crap about 'soulmates' and 'The One' that people have affairs in the first place: monogamy is not, in fact, 'natural' and it's the people who idealise monogamy who have the most affairs - because they believe that if they fancy someone then that person must be The One, that it's The Real Thing This Time and therefore any existing or previous partners become disposable.
It;s very selfish and rather silly behaviour, of course, but to call it sick and evil is ridiculous.

prettyfly1 · 18/05/2009 15:24

hang on morriszapp- you addressed that to pf - it wasnt me - i didnt say that they were child abusers - another poster . I agree that whilst it is nasty that was an extreme comment and dont wish to be held up as the person who said it!!!!

MorrisZapp · 18/05/2009 15:48

My apologies, I thought 'pramspotter' was Pramface, hence PF!!

Sorry to you both (embarrassed face)

junglist1 · 18/05/2009 15:57

H is the betrayer, but it would be nice if OW, especially as she has DC's herself, would have enough morals to back off. I personally wouldn't stay friends with someone who colluded in breaking up a family, as I may then have to watch my back with her and my P, in my opinion, because she would be placed in the slut category. Most women aren't capable of this, but the ones that are should be avoided at all costs, unless they have also been lied to. That's a different situation. How are you OP?

MorrisZapp · 18/05/2009 16:13

Sorry junglist, why would a woman who has slept with a married man necessarily fancy your DH?

And do you not trust your DH?

AnyFucker · 18/05/2009 16:15

I don't think junglist is in a good place with her own dh at the moment are you, J ?

AnyFucker · 18/05/2009 16:16

shit, that looks patronizing

sorry

I hope you know what I mean, junglist

junglist1 · 18/05/2009 16:18

I wouldn't have any woman like that around my P. Or around me or my children. My P hasn't ever cheated,I just prefer to mix with people who I can trust. There are women out there who go for married men ( a minority obviously) because they want sex without commitment.

junglist1 · 18/05/2009 16:22

I know what you mean, it's cool! We've been here before haven't we

AnyFucker · 18/05/2009 16:35

< phew >

junglist1 · 18/05/2009 16:37

I think I'm so adamant about this because I'm very defensive of myself because of my relationship IYSWIM? Don't need any more hassle FFS!

AnyFucker · 18/05/2009 16:39

that is what I meant with my comment

I didn't know if Morris was aware of where you were coming from

MorrisZapp · 18/05/2009 16:43

I'm still none the wiser but will back off! Good luck with your DP junglist.

(am dyed in wool feminazi who cannot bear to see women blamed for men's sexual choices, that's where I'm coming from )