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Relationships

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Original poster

No sex - would you end it?

77 replies

SickOfTheMaleSpecies · 14/05/2009 09:24

Partner is really irritating me. I have posted before about his apparant fear of sex.

(quick recap = 3 hours of foreplay before he runs off and locks himself in the bathroom to get out of sex).

I have slept at his house 5 times now, and there has been no sex and foreplay has only happened once (which turned into a shambles). His excuse was that he was "tired". No other reason.

The other night we got into bed, I tried to initiate a bit of "contact" and he put his arm around me, closed his eyes and said goodnight.

Next morning I told him there was obviously some problem with sex and would he tell me what it was. He said there was no problem, just that he was tired last night. I reminded him of the 3 hour foreplay episode and he said "yes but remember, it was 3am ... course I would have been tired by then" so I said "it didn't need to go on until 3am, YOU did that yourself ... " he tried to change the subject. I asked "is it religious?" and he just raised and eyebrow and laughed before saying "course not".

I said "are you worried about something?" he said "no, I just get tired sometimes" I said "is there ANYTHING you need to tell me?" and he said "no, honestly it's nothing ... I have just been tired the past few times".

I said "Do you not find it wierd that we have been together for all this time, slept in the same bed on many occasions and have still not had sex?"

He apologised and said he didn't realise it was so important to me I said "it isn't, I just find it wierd".

So ... last night, we had a glass of wine, watched a movie, went to bed around 11pm. We started kissing and cuddling, his hands stayed firmly on my waist ... I was recognising similarities to how the first "3 hour foreplay" thing started so I said to him "Not being funny, but I don't want a repeat of last time. Tell me now if you'd rather not take things any further tonight" so he said "well, we have plenty of time other nights, I'm a bit tired tonight ... "

FFS

But then, this morning he got up and asked how I'd feel about moving in with him. So its obviously not commitment related. No issues about sex before marriage ... no religious views ... he can get an erection ... perhaps he has problems with premature Ej .... but he's not telling me anything.

Getting a bit sick of it. Should I just give it up or am I being too eager for a shag??

OP posts:

pottycock · 14/05/2009 09:26

I think he needs to start being honest with you - there's definitely something stopping him from going the whole hog!

pottycock · 14/05/2009 09:27

Can you have a very frank conversation about sexual compatibility with him?

ilove · 14/05/2009 09:28

I'd give up. Honestly. He clearly has a problem and isn't willing to discuss it.

FlyMeToDunoon · 14/05/2009 09:32

Friend of mine has this problem with her BF. They have been together for nearly a year and she lives with him but they hardly ever have sex and he pleads the 'tired' thing. Will fiddle about-as she puts it for ages and then nothing. She thinks it is more of a power game with him. Control. Seems odd.
Perhaps these men are suffering from performance insecurities?

Dumbledoresgirl · 14/05/2009 09:32

I don't think you are being too eager for a shag. I read your previous threads on this subject and you seem to have known him a reasonable length of time for sex to have taken place.

It is hard to tell others what they should do because we all have different things we want from a relationship. You are only telling us about the sex you are not having. He must have some positive points too?

That said, I would not want to be with this man. Not because he is not having sex with you, but because he clearly is not being honest with you about his reasons. The tiredness thing is a ridiculous excuse. If it were only tiredness preventing him, he would suggest going to bed much earlier in the evening, or not even waiting to go to bed before initiating something.

I would say the relationship is doomed if he cannot be honest with you. You tell us why you are still trying with him.

SOLOisMeredithGrey · 14/05/2009 09:36

You've slept at his 5 times, but you don't say how long you've been seeing him.

I was with Dd's father for 4 years(living apart)and after the first 6 months(ish)sex dropped off his wants list and I'm astonished I had Dd tbh. As it turned out, he was two timing me and was obviously more interested in her than me(but oddly stayed with both of us). So, that is one possibility for you. He could be worried about pg, or perhaps he has limited experience...

I put up with the no sex because I love/d my ex deeply, but I would not put up with it again. So there is my answer to your question, but it is only something you can decide in your situation. It may or may not feel important to you now, but it could become important when after a few years, he hasn't sorted it out in his head(or other)and leaves you frustrated.

OTOH, him asking you to move in...perhaps he's worried you'll have your wicked way with him and then bugger off. Perhaps it's the uncertainty for him?

EvenBetaDad · 14/05/2009 09:46

Sickof - he will not talk and it is not acceptable to treat you this way.

You cannot move forward. I do not believe the 'just tired' thing. You have been kind and tolerant. I thought after last time things would have changed (I have read all three threads).

There is no way you should move in with him.

cory · 14/05/2009 09:56

it's the lack of honesty that would get to me

if he can't talk about something that is clearly a problem, that doesn't bode well for your life together

FabulousBakerGirl · 14/05/2009 09:59

A friend told me I should leave my BF because he wouldn't sleep with me.

thank fully I took no notice and we have now been together for 13 years.

Do you care enough for him to hang in there to sort it out?

How about booking a day off work so you can have a day in bed. Can't plead tiredness then.

fedup1981 · 14/05/2009 10:07

Yeah I think you've come to the end of the line with this one - it sounds like he has no sex drive, and I wouldn't move in with someone who wasn't straight with you.

Plus he already has you questioning whether it's your fault, what would you be like after a year of that? probably wracked with guilt that you were some sex crazed tart who never gave him the chance to make his own move, trying tactic after tactic and suggesting counselling etc - Avoid!

BillSilverFoxBuchanan · 14/05/2009 10:16

Surely if he were tired, given that it's early days, there'd be some element of daytime/early evening shagging?

By this point it's not the no sex thing that's the issue but the lack of communication.

I can't believe he asked you to move in!

spicemonster · 14/05/2009 10:22

I wouldn't waste a day off work on this bloke. He might not be able to plead tiredness but I bet the OP wouldn't get a shag out of it. If he can't talk about it (and I know these things are difficult) then it doesn't bode at all well for the future.

Refusing to admit there's a problem could be a nightmare in other areas of your relationship.

Floopy21 · 14/05/2009 10:26

OK, my tuppence worth. It doesn't sound like you've both had time to sit in a comfortable situation & have a full & frank discussion. Maybe a bottle of wine, some food, some privacy & some soft lighting might make chatting a bit easier? It sounds odd, but I find 'sensitive' topics easier to talk about when it's not the cold light of day!

I also think if this was the other way round, and a lady was posting about her partner badgering her for sex whislt she was having emotional issues with intercourse, the response from other posters would have been very different - certainly not F**k it, leave him!

If you think he's worth it, maybe a bit more talking (takes me days to drag things out of my DP sometimes!), & even a dash of counselling together? Good luck, hope it works out.

Overmydeadbody · 14/05/2009 10:29

Oh blimey.

Have been following your celibate relationship in your threads, and I really feel for you.

I would definately end it now, seriously, what is the point? How is what you have with him anything but friendship if you're not actually having sex?

What kind of man repeatedly can't be bothered when it's handed to him on a plate by someone he apparantly likes?

Wierdo.

KerryMumbles · 14/05/2009 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

booyhoo · 14/05/2009 10:31

he's keeping something from you, i would ell him straight that either he tells you whats stopping him or youre gone, you wont stay in a relationship with secrets.

BillSilverFoxBuchanan · 14/05/2009 10:33

FWIW I don't think that the responses would be any different if this were coming from the other perspective.

How is the OP to know if her dp is having emotional issues if he's pleading tiredness?

She's not a mind reader ffs!

mumblechum · 14/05/2009 10:34

I think he may be gay as well Kerry

Overmydeadbody · 14/05/2009 10:35

Floppy, the issue is really the fact that, as well as having no sex drive, he's not even being honest and talking to the op about it, just making pathetic excuses about tiredness.

If the genders where reversed and it was the woman who initiated three hours of foreplay and then nothing I would give her a slap and tell her to stop being such a pricktease.

lostinthecitylover · 14/05/2009 10:38

would be a dealbreaker for me

YanknCock · 14/05/2009 10:53

My first thought would be that the guy is 'asexual'. He just doesn't 'get' why people have sex or understand why they want it. I believe my XH was asexual. For a while, he tried to convince me that I had a problem and was a 'nymphomaniac'. He never initiated, made lots of excuses, said 'what's wrong with just cuddling?'.

We had sex therapy for a while, and he admitted he 'just didn't get that much out of sex' and could happily go months or years without.

Nothing religious, no abuse, not gay, just not interested.

That, among other things, was a dealbreaker. Would definitely say don't move in!

poetry · 14/05/2009 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dior · 14/05/2009 11:01

Maybe he is being treated for a sexual disease? How long have you known him?

electra · 14/05/2009 11:06

Yes I would end it.

How long have you been with him? Do you think he has had an experience that has traumatised him and put him off sex?

If not, it is my view that a man who doesn't want to have sex with you is not into you at all - and I would move on and find someone who does.

FabulousBakerGirl · 14/05/2009 11:16

My DH wanted to wait until we were married. What would you have said about him?

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