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Original poster

No sex - would you end it?

77 replies

SickOfTheMaleSpecies · 14/05/2009 09:24

Partner is really irritating me. I have posted before about his apparant fear of sex.

(quick recap = 3 hours of foreplay before he runs off and locks himself in the bathroom to get out of sex).

I have slept at his house 5 times now, and there has been no sex and foreplay has only happened once (which turned into a shambles). His excuse was that he was "tired". No other reason.

The other night we got into bed, I tried to initiate a bit of "contact" and he put his arm around me, closed his eyes and said goodnight.

Next morning I told him there was obviously some problem with sex and would he tell me what it was. He said there was no problem, just that he was tired last night. I reminded him of the 3 hour foreplay episode and he said "yes but remember, it was 3am ... course I would have been tired by then" so I said "it didn't need to go on until 3am, YOU did that yourself ... " he tried to change the subject. I asked "is it religious?" and he just raised and eyebrow and laughed before saying "course not".

I said "are you worried about something?" he said "no, I just get tired sometimes" I said "is there ANYTHING you need to tell me?" and he said "no, honestly it's nothing ... I have just been tired the past few times".

I said "Do you not find it wierd that we have been together for all this time, slept in the same bed on many occasions and have still not had sex?"

He apologised and said he didn't realise it was so important to me I said "it isn't, I just find it wierd".

So ... last night, we had a glass of wine, watched a movie, went to bed around 11pm. We started kissing and cuddling, his hands stayed firmly on my waist ... I was recognising similarities to how the first "3 hour foreplay" thing started so I said to him "Not being funny, but I don't want a repeat of last time. Tell me now if you'd rather not take things any further tonight" so he said "well, we have plenty of time other nights, I'm a bit tired tonight ... "

FFS

But then, this morning he got up and asked how I'd feel about moving in with him. So its obviously not commitment related. No issues about sex before marriage ... no religious views ... he can get an erection ... perhaps he has problems with premature Ej .... but he's not telling me anything.

Getting a bit sick of it. Should I just give it up or am I being too eager for a shag??

OP posts:
YanknCock · 14/05/2009 11:22

FBG, the problem is the man in question hasn't said that's what he wants--the OP is being left completely in the dark about his intentions. If your DH wanted to wait till marriage, told you that, and you agreed, then there's no problem.

FabulousBakerGirl · 14/05/2009 11:27

Good point.

GetOrfMoiLand · 14/05/2009 11:28

Have read the other thread about him going to the loo after 3 hours, my advice would be end it now. This does not obviously appear to be going anywhere and he is not able to admit there is anything wrong. You will end up tying yourself in knots trying to work out what the problem is and you may never get to the bottom of it. Don't waste any more time on him, you have done your best, time to move on (emphatically not move IN - what is he thinking of?)

FrankMustard · 14/05/2009 11:36

I agree with other posts saying that he clearly has a problem and you've given him plenty of opportunity to explain why he won't have sex. At best he's a tease if he engages in long foreplay sessions but won't conclude it properly and at worst you're wasting your time on someone who's never going to engage in a full sexual relationship with you which, if you are a sensual being and want that, is going to be wholly unsatisfactory.
Just something that might make you think twice about moving in with him - a friend of mine had a virtually non existent sex life with her BF but because she loved him, she hung in there and they got married. The sex dwindled to nothing, nada, zero and she ended up divorced and wishing she'd never married him because their sexual needs were so different and she didn't feel loved Although sex isn't everything, if it is important to one of you and the other partner doesn't feel the same, it can split a relationship completely.

warthog · 14/05/2009 12:18

this is NOT about waiting until you get married or making a commitment, because he's not telling you that that is the case!

my dh wanted to wait too, but he TOLD me that. pretty early on too.

i'm afraid i would end it with this guy because he's not communicating. he wants you to move in but won't tell you what the problem is. big red flag here. i would not be impressed. unless of course, you want a sexless relationship.

crokky · 14/05/2009 12:24

I couldn't deal with the fact that having nicely asked a straight question, no straight answer was forthcoming. I find it extrememly frustrating not to be able to communicate properly. I would honestly end it because whatever it is, something is not right. It would be different if you had been together years etc and a problem arose that you were both committed to solving. That isn't the case - he has a problem (OK) but he won't communicate (not OK).

BitOfFun · 14/05/2009 12:25

YanknCock is probably right on this one, but hey, we'll never know, because he won't talk.

OVER!

Oh, and if you need counselling as a couple this early, you are doomed - don't even enrtain the idea!

MorrisZapp · 14/05/2009 12:26

It's difficult enough to solve problems relating to sex drive etc when both parties are being open with each other. It's presumably impossible if one party pretends that there is no problem.

I'd draw a line under this one and try to meet somebody else.

Curiousmama · 14/05/2009 12:30

My exdh is asexual too and I ended our marriage after years of this and by some miracle 2 lovely dss! Still great friends as that's all we were really.

Hope you get something sorted with your guy but doesn't sound hopeful.

I agree with who said if it were a man saying the same thing a lot of people would sympathise with the woman but not me. I've been on the end of it and it's not nice to live with. I doubt he'll change.
Unless he's prepared to get help that is.

Sheeta · 14/05/2009 12:31

Is it possible that he's tested positive for an STI and is having treatment? How long have you been seeing him for?

BitOfFun · 14/05/2009 12:32

Sheeta, we have been guessing any number of scenarios...the point is if he won't tell you, it's time for the elbow. Next!

YanknCock · 14/05/2009 12:33

This is the other line from the OP's post that really jumped out:

'He apologised and said he didn't realise it was so important to me'

My XH used to say 'Why is it so important to you?' He really just didn't think it was important, or that it should be important. That judgment led to his frankly hurtful 'nympho' assessment of me---once a week was apparently completely OTT for a newly married couple in their mid-20s.

Sheeta · 14/05/2009 12:34

BOF, sorry only skimmed the whole thread.

BitOfFun · 14/05/2009 12:36

Oh don't apologize! But Sicko (as I affectionately think of her now ) has had us helping her guess for three threads now - we are proper Marjorie Proops, us!

NotQuiteCockney · 14/05/2009 12:38

It sounds like he's busy pretending there isn't a problem - to himself, first of all, and then to the OP.

screamingabdab · 14/05/2009 13:58

Sickof I too read your last thread, and I have to agree that you have given him ample opportunity to address this.

Agree with yank too

howtotellmum · 14/05/2009 14:52

I think you should try one more time to get him to talk honestly to you.

What I cannot understand is - why do you continue to sleep in his bed? Please answer this bit!

When I have been in the "honeymoon" stage of a new relationship, we haven't got our PJs on and "gone to bed" we have undressed each other and shagged enthusiastically - maybe on the bed, maybe not! This stage seems to be missing from your relationship with this man!

You continue to call him your "partner" but he isn't, in any sesne of the word- he is currently a friend- and a pretty platonic friend so far- sorry, but that is the case.

Most men cannot keep their hands of a woman in the first stages of a relationship. If he isn't behaving like this, then either you just don't have the right chemistry as a couple, and he is after companionship only, or he has a medical/pschyo sexual issue, or he is gay and in denial.

I would give him another chance to talk- on the basis that you will end it if he doesn't open up about why he is behaving like this.

howtotellmum · 14/05/2009 14:59

have re-read your original post - I think it is very significant that he asks you to move in after another disappoitning night. What does that tell you?

It tells me that he knows he is not giving you what you want, and that by offering to make a commitment, he is wriggling out of the real issues that are on the agenda. Offering this commitment is his way of saying "I can't offer you sex, but I can offer you commitment."

How long have you known him?

Winetimeisfinetime · 14/05/2009 15:34

I agree with howtotellmum, I think he is offering commitment as a way of avoiding the sex issues.

I also think it is significant that he asked you to move in after you had told him the lack of sex wasn't so important to you - " He apologised and said he didn't realise it was so important to me hmm I said "it isn't, I just find it wierd".

Perhaps as others have suggested he is asexual and feels that you will be tolerant of this.

beanie35 · 14/05/2009 17:57

Maybe he just doesn't like sex very much and doesn't know how to say this without feeling stupid. I think you may have to say goodbye to this relationship, it doesn't make him a bad person, just not the right person for you.

AnyFucker · 14/05/2009 18:41

I have read and replied the same thing on all your threads about this

get rid of him

Sorry to sound harsh, but I do not know why you are together

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 14/05/2009 18:47

Bin him. He's either a completely spineless and insensitive wuss who doesn't like sex and hasn't got the empathy or imagination to consider that some people do like sex and that it's not unreasonable to expect sex in a couple-relationship - or he is actively manipulative and gets his jollies from making you feel confused and insecure and ashamed of having a sex drive.
Honestly, don#t waste any more time and effort on this selfish dickhead - bcause he is selfish if he won't discuss the problem or even acknowledge that there is a problem: he is demonstrating that he thinks his needs, wishes and feelings matter more than yours and that you should simply adapt to him without asking questions.

madameovary · 14/05/2009 18:52

I was in a relationship with a man who wasnt keen on sex. In the end it seemed like he preferred to put his energies into work. Or something. It wasn't me. He just wasnt that sexual.
It was equally difficult to get a decent explanation out of him. He say things like "Sex shouldn't be a quantifiable thing" and once muttered something about sex being for procreation.
I know, I know...but I was young and in love.

One of his best excuses was...

"I've got a full bladder"

madameovary · 14/05/2009 18:53

Sorry, meant to say, I would call it a day if I were you. Lack of libido isnt necessarily a dealbreaker, but refusal to communicate about it definitely would be imo.

me23 · 14/05/2009 19:01

what if it isn't that he doesn't like sex but that he isn't very good in bed and it has given him a fear of sex? so he may feel sicko will leave him if she knows how shit he is? I really have a feeling this could be the problem.

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