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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No sex - would you end it?

77 replies

SickOfTheMaleSpecies · 14/05/2009 09:24

Partner is really irritating me. I have posted before about his apparant fear of sex.

(quick recap = 3 hours of foreplay before he runs off and locks himself in the bathroom to get out of sex).

I have slept at his house 5 times now, and there has been no sex and foreplay has only happened once (which turned into a shambles). His excuse was that he was "tired". No other reason.

The other night we got into bed, I tried to initiate a bit of "contact" and he put his arm around me, closed his eyes and said goodnight.

Next morning I told him there was obviously some problem with sex and would he tell me what it was. He said there was no problem, just that he was tired last night. I reminded him of the 3 hour foreplay episode and he said "yes but remember, it was 3am ... course I would have been tired by then" so I said "it didn't need to go on until 3am, YOU did that yourself ... " he tried to change the subject. I asked "is it religious?" and he just raised and eyebrow and laughed before saying "course not".

I said "are you worried about something?" he said "no, I just get tired sometimes" I said "is there ANYTHING you need to tell me?" and he said "no, honestly it's nothing ... I have just been tired the past few times".

I said "Do you not find it wierd that we have been together for all this time, slept in the same bed on many occasions and have still not had sex?"

He apologised and said he didn't realise it was so important to me I said "it isn't, I just find it wierd".

So ... last night, we had a glass of wine, watched a movie, went to bed around 11pm. We started kissing and cuddling, his hands stayed firmly on my waist ... I was recognising similarities to how the first "3 hour foreplay" thing started so I said to him "Not being funny, but I don't want a repeat of last time. Tell me now if you'd rather not take things any further tonight" so he said "well, we have plenty of time other nights, I'm a bit tired tonight ... "

FFS

But then, this morning he got up and asked how I'd feel about moving in with him. So its obviously not commitment related. No issues about sex before marriage ... no religious views ... he can get an erection ... perhaps he has problems with premature Ej .... but he's not telling me anything.

Getting a bit sick of it. Should I just give it up or am I being too eager for a shag??

OP posts:
howtotellmum · 14/05/2009 19:12

There are so many questions, and I don't feel we know the full story...
eg
when you are together, is he tactile- does he hug you, hold your hand, kiss you, compliment you on your body etc etc? Does he behave like a man who wants to touch you!!

Whose idea is it for you to stay the night? Do you do so because you live too far away to go home- or because he has asked you to stay? Do you kiss and cuddle before you dive under the duvet?

I just don't get it really- women can tell if a guy is into them long before they get into bed- what does your instinct tell you about him?

howtotellmum · 14/05/2009 19:13

bloody **s- why don't they work!

FabulousBakerGirl · 14/05/2009 20:01

You need to put the * round each word, not phrase.

HaventSleptForAYear · 14/05/2009 20:04

I agree with everyone that this is going nowhere (read the other thread).

But am morbidly curious and would really like to find out the REASON (even if you still leave him).

Can't you just shag him once and tell us how it was?

Preferably soon before this thread gets lost in mm...

AnyFucker · 14/05/2009 20:07

err, preferably before the OP's fanjo heals over......

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 14/05/2009 20:10

Another thing to consider (and another good reason to bin him) is that a pattern of evasiveness and spinelessness (or gaslighty behaviour) about sex is probably indicative that he will treat any and all other problems the same way. He will drive you nuts.

howtotellmum · 14/05/2009 20:22

IF you were to get into bed with him again, and IF it led to foreplay and if he then said he was too tired, could you say "That's no problem- just lie still and leave the hard work to me"- and go on top?

Be interesting to see his reaction

curiouscat · 14/05/2009 20:30

Agree with madameo. Don't get involved in these mind games as it could lose you self esteem when he's the one with a problem. IMO sex can be quite simple and uncomplicated and he's turning it into a great big issue by avoiding it without explaining himself. Good luck whatever happens.

KittyBigglesworth · 15/05/2009 06:11

I agree with what others have said about this draining your self esteem and I also agree that men, in the first stages of a relationship at least, are usually quite rampant.

I know that in the 21st century we're able to make the first move for what we want in relationships but isn't it flattering when he can't wait to get you to bed, tells you how he wants to undress you, you giggle and have fun together? All this seems to be missing. You have to find out what's causing this, to put us all out of the agony of guessing at least!

I wouldn't put myself through it if I were you, it would feel like a power game. Keep away from the bed, until you've brought a light hearted discussion around to the topic of what turns him on, what film scenes, clothing, type of people, film star etc, see what he says, he must have some preference. If he won't even discuss it, I'd say it was pretty deep seated.

Sickof, is he very religious or very duty bound to his mother? Neither of which necessarily have to explain why he's acting this way in bed but they may reveal something more.

LoveBeingAMummy · 15/05/2009 06:43

Whatever the reason, and we've had a few suggestions over the days/weeks, you either have to base your decision on what you do know OR try again for some more info from him. Break to down to "I really like you and think we could have a good relationship however there is the aspect of our relationship that needs addressing now. If it can't be discussed or fixed then I can't continue with the relationship."

Good luck, it can't be easy and you must feel quite rejected.

SamJamsmum · 15/05/2009 06:58

Something is going on and he s clearly not being honest either with you or with himself.
This is a problem that is likely to translate to other areas.
I would have another go at a serious conversation and if the result isn't satisfactory I would probably step away.

TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 15/05/2009 06:59

OK.....what would you want him to do if the boot was on the other foot?

I would ask myself how much I liked him and then give him some space.
If a woman had intimacy issues and couldn't relax in to a relationship like this I think she would want patience and understanding. And he would be deemed insensitive for pushing her into something she didn't feel ready for.

He is not weird IMO. He could have had a bad experience that has left him with insecurity/ self confidence issues.

If you do like him that much, work on trust and making him feel at ease so he feels comfortable with confiding in you.

AnyFucker · 15/05/2009 07:16

out of interest mits, how much space and time and trust would you give this person?

have you read her other threads?

she is making absolutely no headway here and frankly if she wants a sexual relationship, I feel she is flogging a dead horse (as it were)

I just don't understand why they are even sleeping in the same bed

it sounds like a scene from Enid Blyton fgs (apart from the 3 hours of "twiddling" that culminated in a big fat zero)

TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 15/05/2009 07:39

OK...no I haven't read other threads.....

And if it is that bad, then yes, of course move on.

But nevertheless, if it were a bloke posting about a woman, there would be high expectations of him to give her time and space. So the same amount of time and space and trust that a woman would deserve in this situation I guess...

I didn't realise it was an ongoing thing and mean no disrespect to OP.

It is not normal behaviour and it either has a deep reason, or they are not compatible.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 15/05/2009 09:52

Mitsubishi: the point is not that the man neds time and space and patience or whatever - the point is that he won't communicate what the problem is, and is taking no notice of her feelings. ANyone decent would be happy to wait and take things slowly with a partner who says 'I need to take it slowly', but one who refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem is a different matter.

lowenergylightbulb · 15/05/2009 11:05

For all the OP knows the dude could have had a really bad experience with an ex-partner, or he might have suffered some form of abuse as a kid etc - all things which can lead to issues with sex.

I think the OP should finish with him 'cos she clearly hasn't got the emotional maturity to deal with this in a sensitive manner and is seemingly only concerned with getting her end away.

If the OP had been a man posting about a woman this would have been a very different thread.

mrsblanc · 15/05/2009 11:14

lowenegylightbulb if it was a man posting about a woman my advice would be exacty the same as solidpig's

TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 15/05/2009 11:48

Dunno.....won't or can't communicate.

It can be an enormous step to admit you have a problem so maybe it is his stumbling block.

I empathise with someone in this situation so it clouds my response.

howtotellmum · 15/05/2009 12:05

Some of the posters here have been very cruel- saying you should dump him. All depends on how much you like him and whether he is willing to open up to you. From what you say, the relationship seems very "early days" and superficial, despite your referring to him as your "partner".

If he DOES have a sexual issue, I suppose you have to ask if you can be bothered to be part of his therapy, or if you want to move on to someone with no baggage- assuming that evne with therapy he could come up (!) with what you want.

howtotellmum · 15/05/2009 12:06

p.s- are you reading any of this OP_ you haven't posted back at all.

MorrisZapp · 15/05/2009 12:40

Totally unfair to make this a gender issue. If a woman indulged in three hours of foreplay with a man then ran into the bathroom at the point of entry, and refused to admit that this wasn't normal or that she had intimacy issues then we'd say the same thing.

If the guy said 'look, I have a bit of an issue with trust/ sex/ intimacy/ erectile disfunction etc then no doubt the OP could then decide how to proceed.

But he flat out denies that there is any problem at all, despite the fact they're sharing a bed and sicussing co-habiting!

It is SO not the same as saying 'I have intimacy issues but my partner doesn't understand'. No man could understand if he wasn't told why, and that would be the advice either way.

It's not a case of 'he's a tosser, dump him', it's a case of 'you want a sexual relationship, he doesn't, there doesn't seem to be a future for you'.

Totally different thing.

MorrisZapp · 15/05/2009 12:41

discussing - doh

lowenergylightbulb · 15/05/2009 13:49

If a woman posted saying that due to issue x/y/z she couldn't go through with sex, and that her partner was pressuring her and only seemed to want her for sex - which made her reluctant to talk about it, the responses would be totally different.

"Maybe he's gay" "Just jump on top of him, he'll enjoy it" "Maybe he's got an STD"

Maybe he's shy/scared/nervous. Maybe he can't articulate that fear, maybe he's not ready to 'talk' when his partner only seems to care about getting a good seeing to.

TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 15/05/2009 13:53

Maybe he has an inkling he is being discussed on here.........

MorrisZapp · 15/05/2009 15:48

lowenergy, you aren't reading all the very considered posts on here. She doesn't want him just for sex, and has never implied that she does.

But she does want to have a sexual relationship, and despite her asking him (in a kind way, one assumes) he won't say what the problem is, or even admit to a problem.

She's been with the guy for months without having sex, so that would suggest she is also getting other things from this guy's company.

I don;t think asking why somebody doesn't want sex after many repeated nights in bed with no nookie counts as pressure anyway - it's such an obvious question it's the elephant in the room.