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Original poster

How did you leave him?

28 replies

StripeyOss · 12/05/2009 12:14

For those of you who've left a relationship that wasn't violent at all, but your DH was just generally grumpy and shouty to the point you got fed up with it, but underneath still love him dearly... how did you reconcile to actually leaving?

How on earth do you turn that love off so you can make a break and not have to deal with being shouted at/constant bad moods?

Its just no fun anymore, but i love him so goddam much i dont know how the hell to walk away.

OP posts:
ridingjoker · 12/05/2009 13:10

the day will come. it'll hit you like you were a fool not to do it early.

you will get up and say "today is the day"

well.... thats how it was for me. one day after another of his poor behaviour and i just went to him. removed his house key. never said a word (he was in one of his huffs. not talking to me anyway.)

there was other factors to mine though too. he had spent all night at casino...AGAIN.but it was just like a light had been switched on and some one shouted

"HELLO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THIS SHIT RELATIONSHIP"

i had to take his keys as we'd been living as seperate rooms for a few months already. but i found the atmosphere and moods in the house a very poor enviroment for my dc.

GypsyMoth · 12/05/2009 13:12

it might be that once you've actually left,and are in a nice calm atmosphere.....no shouting.....that you start to realise its the best thing!

trial separation?

reducedfatkettlechip · 12/05/2009 14:14

Can you think about it in terms of life being short, and that you shouldn't have to spend yours trying to please someone who is being unreasonable to you?

Has he always been like this?

motherlovebone · 12/05/2009 14:19

one day he told me to fuck off in front of my mum!
i guess id had enough cos i started making arrangements to leave that hour, 48 hours later was gone.
we get on well now.
depends how much you want to put up with.

howtotellmum · 12/05/2009 15:05

Couples' counselling- don't leave until you have tried everything and he gets to the bottom of his anger/moods- give it a chance.

messymissy · 12/05/2009 16:38

howtotellmum - friends of mine said in jan for me to try again - so against my better judgement i did and its been 5 more months of misery. should have left then, harder to do now as he knows something is up and i've played into his hands - he doesn't want to be the one who ends it - he wants to stay looking like the good guy. so, well meaning as you obviously are howtotellmum, i would say to stripey, only you know if its worth it, you know how you feel day in day out. is it the idea of how he could be that you love, or is it actually him?

summoning up the courage to leave my dp too.

Kally · 12/05/2009 17:50

If you still love him, then you'll never find it easy. Because love is still there and holding you together a bit. But once the love is all but trodden down, it's the easiest and most welcome goal you can aim for. The time is not right for you if you have to question it and don't know how. Once you are pushed to the limit for whatever reason it may be, you will naturally search for happiness some other way and that is when you can find the strength/ways/reasons to leave.

howtotellmum · 12/05/2009 18:06

MM_ I think it's sad in your situation that it appears to be a bit of game playing "He wants to look like the good guy"- a marriage takes two, it's never all one sided, if it works or if it fails. I don't see how you can "play into someone's hands" if they don't want to play! I don't dispute that in your case you have "tried" but from what you say, YOU have tried and he hasn't- what I was suggesting to the OP is that they BOTH try at the SAME TIME and go for counselling with Relate together.

messymissy · 13/05/2009 10:36

Yes, he is an expert game player that leaves my head spinning and nerves shattered. I am just not like that I hate it, it seems so juvenile.

Good luck OP.

Digitalis · 13/05/2009 10:48

StripeyOss,

Your DH may not be violent but if his "grumpy and shouty" behaviour is so bad that you are thinking of leaving - could he be emotionally abusive?

You do not have to be beaten black and blue to be in an abusive relationship.

Why not check the Women's Aid website where you can look at their checklist of abusive behaviours.

Of course he may not be abusive at all but perhaps depression or some other problem is at the root.

For me I was oblivious for many years that my shouty and grumpy H was an abuser and that I was making endless excuses for his behaviour until we saw a counsellor together who made me see what was going on.

Once I'd woken up to what was really going on, I found the strength to leave. It took about 2.5 years though to come to terms with what was going on and to make the practical arrangements.

Good luck with what you decide.

HappyWoman · 13/05/2009 16:14

messy - if you hate the game playing why are you stooping to his level. If you feel you made the wrong decision then just leave rather than 'allow' him to think things are ok when they clearly are not.

rumdontbotherreplyingmum · 13/05/2009 19:51

once I'd made my mind up it was over, it was a big relief...telling him it was over was easy... getting him to move out.. now thats another thing, nearly 9 months on he's still here, sleeping on the sofa, with no parental or household responsibilites, and telling me he can't afford to move out!
have you got to the bottom of his moods? do you talk?

akhems · 14/05/2009 08:15

I said I was going out to get bread and milk.. took the kids and never went back

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 14/05/2009 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

messymissy · 15/05/2009 16:42

how are you stripeyoss?

reality - that's a powerful story.

I am in the process of making plans to leave, courage fails every now and then. Mostly cos I wish it would be different and mostly cos i know he will be so very very angry and vindictive once i have gone.

messymissy · 15/05/2009 16:45

oh and happy - its not that he thinks everything is ok - he knows all too well its not - its just he thinks i have no where to go.

All the while I still had my own house, he was so very different, when I let it go, the controlling behaviour started up.

tooconfusedagain · 15/05/2009 17:11

I'm in the same position Stripey. I know dh and i are incompatible, makes me very sad and i don't enjoy sex, not that there is much at all! Have left before and only been back a months and all the old things ar ehappening again. Trouble is, like you, i do still love him

Original poster
StripeyOss · 16/05/2009 22:33

Oh, i'm fine.. its really not too bad, not abusive, just hard work and not much fun at the moment.. at a crossroad of sorts i think, lots of things to think about before we go one way or the other.

OP posts:
messymissy · 18/05/2009 09:51

Good luck Stripeyoss, hope it works out for you and you tooconfused.

wannabe10 · 18/05/2009 10:11

Can I join this thread. Am in exactly the same position. Left my dh last year in the summer but we have been trying again since christmas. The thing is as much as I love him its like a brother and in some ways I don't want to be there.

I just caused so much pain to him and our three ds'. I just don't know whther its just worth not doing anything and griining and baring it. My mum keeps telling me life is about sacrifice. She stayed with my bi polar father till we grew up.....

Just feel stuck and unhappy........

messymissy · 18/05/2009 10:17

Wannabe10 - Life is not just about sacrifice - you need to be happy too - a happy woman makes a better mum in opinion. All sacrifice and no personal fulfillment just builds resentment and unhappiness.

Is there anything your husband can do to help you feel more romantically in love with him? Is he happy with the status quo?

wannabe10 · 18/05/2009 10:34

My husband is a good man and we both work full time jobs and have three children. I sometimes think that I have unrealistic expectations and he is quite happy to potter.

He knows I am unhappy though but we have lots of debt and the children to think of. Even when I left I paid half the mortgage and bills as he didn't deserve to be left with everything. He just does not have one romantic or tactile bone in his body and it upsets me sometimes. We both think things are slipping back to the way they were before I left. I just used to go out and disappear.......

HappyWoman · 18/05/2009 10:34

agree messy - of course there is sacrifice but i dont think your childen will thank you for it in the long run.

Please dont just stay becuause you feel you need to be punished for your past. You will feel resentment then and that is much worse.

The longer you leave it the worse it will become. Take some time to find what you really want and then make some steps towards it. It may be that you do find you can live with your h again in a romantic way. But you owe it to everyone to be honest.

How would you feel if a few years down the line your h turned and said he was only with you out of duty not love?

wannabe10 · 18/05/2009 11:01

I would be mortified I know that. I still have the other house I rented when I left him but I am predominantly at the marital home.

He said I should take some time to think about what I want. He also said we are denying ourselves true happieness if I don't really want to be there. I just feel so cruel.

I think part of my problem is that I grew up in a violent, bi polar household and am used to living life as a rollercoaster. That feels normal to me. When things truly are normal I tend to buck and get itchy feet.

messymissy · 18/05/2009 15:17

So the next time your mum says life is full of sacrifices, stop punishing yourself. It was her choice to stay with your dad - and it might have been right for her, but clearly not for you growing up. Be kind to yourself, find a counsellor to chat things over with.

You aren't being cruel if you are talking it over, there is still hope if you can talk frankly without it descending into rows and recriminations. So maybe because you are used to the ups and downs, when you are on the up - ie good calm side, its not that you are getting itchy feet - but understandable panic that the bad times are just about to come back, so the itchy feet are your natural response to get out before it gets bad.

But your DH is a different person to your dad and it seems he can offer you safe and steady.