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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

problem with dh

28 replies

pinkroses · 03/05/2005 09:56

My dh doesn't seem to want sex anymore. Is this something men go through at a certain age?

I have tried everything, but he just says he's tired. Then if we do have sex, he turns very selfish, as if I'm not there.

I know he isn't having an affair or anything...just wondering what could have happened. IS this him going through a mid-life crisis or something. He has mentioned about wanting a tatoo.

OP posts:
biglips · 03/05/2005 10:00

uh-ho.... thats the sign of mid life crisis that your DH wanting a tattoo so he trying to prove himself that he can still do things that young people do.

sometimes me and DP goes without sex for weeks as we were both tired so we have laid the rule down (since after having baba) that once a week on a Fri/Sat or Sun we will make love.. if we dont, then we will never get round to it like before

biglips · 03/05/2005 10:00

how old is he anyway? as midlife crisis starts at 40, am i right?

Original poster
pinkroses · 03/05/2005 10:01

He is 33. Just he usually enjoys sex, but lately he doesn't want it anymore. It usually me pushing him off, lol!!

OP posts:
biglips · 03/05/2005 10:03

only 33!!! .. is he happy with himself?

Original poster
pinkroses · 03/05/2005 10:16

not sure. He is a very private person and won't open up to me.

OP posts:
compo · 03/05/2005 10:19

Personally I think you can have a 'mid life' crisis at any age it doesn't have to be at 40.

gggglimpopo · 03/05/2005 11:12

Matbe that's why he is taking you to Paris?

Rhubarb · 03/05/2005 11:15

Depression? Sit down and find out what is bothering him, but don't mention the sex issue or he'll get all defensive on you.
If you show an interest in his tattoo maybe he'll open up to you? Suggest he gets one in a rude place!

Original poster
pinkroses · 03/05/2005 11:48

maybe! Not sure why he would be depressed. His life is going rather well at the moment.

I have tried loads of times to find out what is wrong, but he says nothing and clams up.

Men, eh!!!

OP posts:
starlover · 03/05/2005 11:53

pinkroses... depression doesn't always have a "reason".. that's why a lot of people don't realise that they have it, because there is nothing in their life that they feel is causing them to be unhappy.

How do you think he would feel about talking to someone from Relate or something? I think the problem does need addressing, because it won't go away on its own.

But as you say, men do tend to just clam up and refuse to accept that there is something wrong.
Perhaps you could try talking to him and tell him how his behaviour makes YOU feel. Make it about you so that he doesn't feel that you're getting at him or whatever.

fostermum · 03/05/2005 14:51

i went through this with my husband complete lack of sex no kissing nothing, was acting depressed not sleeping ect, went to doctors who gave him AD but wouldnt take them wont talk about it, have asked him so many times, hes taken up new hobbies goes out a lot with his mates never askes if i mind, we dont say more then a few words to each other a week sometimes ive now moved into seperate room as his not sleeping made sure i couldnt either!and he didnt even question it.now i wish i had courage to say ok enough is enough,still think hes thinking of leaving code still on phone and p.c so i cant check up on his calls from his"friend".but after a really bad devorce last time just cant face making first move this time

fostermum · 03/05/2005 16:04

sorry dont mean tosay your problems will end same way just saying that it can happen and they dont even know why themselves,talk,if he will,if he wont its a waiting game

Original poster
pinkroses · 03/05/2005 16:15

Councelling won't help him. He hates telling anyone about our personal lives.

I may back off a little over sex and let him come to me, but I will introduce a bottle of wine tonight. See if I can get him to open up a little.

OP posts:
fostermum · 03/05/2005 18:13

good luck for tonight lets hope it lights those old fires

Tortington · 03/05/2005 18:36

have you told him he has a nice arse recently? bit of innuendo carry on stylee? its great for self esteem is that becuase it is said in jest and there is no pressure - smack his arse as you go into the kitchen.

Original poster
pinkroses · 03/05/2005 18:45

Will try that as he's making tea!!

OP posts:
Tortington · 03/05/2005 18:58

oh the food innuendo!!

haven · 03/05/2005 19:36

went throught this with dh...i was sooo depressed for a long time..he would say he was stressed out or he was tired and all this crap...but....ironicly later on it was me...LOL i was tired...stressed and all the things he would tell me and i thought he didn't think i was sexy, or attractive...or i thought he was having an affair...but...guess he wasn't..

morningpaper · 03/05/2005 19:41

Are there are physical problems when you do have sex, or does he perform as per usual?

Original poster
pinkroses · 03/05/2005 20:29

no. Sex is good. No problems. He was going through a phase of wanting blow jobs, but we came to a compromise and he was happy. He used to be after it all the time, but lately he isn't interested and pushes me off or ignores my advances. Even me asking for sex, he just turns me down.

OP posts:
numb · 03/05/2005 23:13

hate to say this but are you 100% sure about an affair. I thought I was when after always wanting sex my dh seemed to just go off it and he was seeing someone else. At the time i would have bet my life on him not doing this to me. He also wanted a tattoo by the way. Yours probably isnt but just be careful

hugs xx

Tortington · 03/05/2005 23:58

so is it a punishment thing - your not getting any if he doesnt get bj?

If so...remember your prolly just as good at getting yourself off as he is - perhapshe needs reminding of that - even if its untrue!

fostermum · 05/05/2005 08:28

did it work pinkroses???? the wine that is?

Tortington · 05/05/2005 16:47

did it?

Original poster
pinkroses · 07/05/2005 11:13

Hi everyone. Thought I was getting somewhere with dh. I opened wine and it got me sex, but no talking from him. He keeps saying he is fine, yet he is not really speaking.

We have just been away to Paris and we had a good time without kids, but not great...and we didn't have sex. He didn't even attempt it. It is so annoying, we go away for the night to have time together but it hasn't gotten us any closer. I have no idea what is happening right now.

OP posts:
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