Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Staying together for the sake of the children...

109 replies

alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 16:21

That's pretty much the choice I've made. And there are of course many problems with it. Has anyone did it? Did they regret it? How did they make it work?

Just wondering if it's possible to talk the problems over with someone,

OP posts:
FabulousBakerGirl · 09/05/2009 16:24

My friend has recently divorced her husband and when I was going through difficulties she told me I had to do what was best for me, as an unhappy mummy will not make happy children. As it is, I am okay now but I have never forgotten her advice.

I have read so many stories where the parents divorce when they children are teenagers or young adults and they say they wish the divorce had happened sooner.

dizietsma · 09/05/2009 16:24

As if the kids wont see through it! They live with you FGS.

If you want to role model loveless unhappy relationships to them, then your plan is ideal.

Jazzicatz · 09/05/2009 16:24

Going through a similar dilemma so will be watching this thread with great interest.

Original poster
alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 16:25

I know but I've also read so many stories where people say that the divorce was one of the traumas of their childhood

OP posts:
FabulousBakerGirl · 09/05/2009 16:28

You will have many stories but bottom line you have to decide what is right for you and your children.

Original poster
alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 16:28

I can't believe I'm the only woman making this choice. Or maybe I am...

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 16:29

I can't believe I'm the only woman making this choice. Or maybe I am...

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 16:30

I know but I feel that what is best for me isn't necessarily best for my children. That's why I've chosen not to end the marriage.

OP posts:
FabulousBakerGirl · 09/05/2009 16:30

What will you say when your children say why didn't you leave mummy as none of us were happy?

Original poster
alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 16:31

Will they say that though? If they do I will be devastated.

OP posts:
debs05 · 09/05/2009 16:33

I couldnt stay together for the kids as my unhappiness would rub off on them. I have decided to stay with my husband because I love him. Life is too short, I didnt think there could be life after divorce but reading so many other threads from strong single women Ive realised to be in a relationship that doesnt fulfill you is not worth it. You have to decide whats right for you and where do you see yourself when the kids grow up? If its not with him then whats the point.

specialmagiclady · 09/05/2009 16:34

I think if the situation was really untenable, you'd get out. So obviously part of you wants to stay with him. Unless you're actually in an abusive relationship I think this is not necessarily A Bad Thing.

However, if you've got this close to splitting up, there's something wrong. It needs fixing for you to have half a chance.

You and DH have to face it, deal with it, get on with it. If that takes counselling, arguing etc, so be it. Just don't sweep it under the carpet - that's A Bad Thing.

Other thing to bear in mind - you don't have to make this decision now and permanently. A split is most likely permanent, but staying together can be temporary. Give yourselves deadlines - say, 3 years to fall back in love or something. Then if the situation isn't better, you can get out at that point.

Tinker · 09/05/2009 16:36

I suppose it depends on whether or not you're actively unhappy? What is wrong in your relationship?

Original poster
alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 16:36

Thank you, debsos. What's the point? I suppose the point is I supply stability to them throughout their childhood. That's the idea anyway'I do understand that it's not pefvect and I don't relaly like or respect my decision bu I feel that I can't do it to my children.

OP posts:
FabulousBakerGirl · 09/05/2009 16:37

I have no idea what they will say but I am trying to help you think this through as this is a huge decision.

What does your husband think of all this?

dizietsma · 09/05/2009 16:39

"I know but I've also read so many stories where people say that the divorce was one of the traumas of their childhood"

Sure. My parent's divorce was awful. But it ended. It was a year or so of stress, but then it passed. We all recovered. The happiest time I remember from my childhood is the time when my mother was single after the divorce and there were no more fights or frosty silences.

Tell you what was really traumatic- the unhappy abusive relationships that my parent's entered into after the divorce. The ones they stayed in for the rest of my childhood. "For the sake of the children".

Trust me, leaving is sometimes the very best thing you can do for all concerned. Divorce's can be done amicably and mindfully. It's rare, I'll grant you. Look into getting the right support for splitting, speak to relate or family mediation services. Read books about how to protect your kids from the worst of a family split. There's a wealth of information on this subject, just google it.

Quite apart from denying yourself the happiness of a genuine loving relationship, you are preventing your husband from finding one too.

Life's too damned short to fuck about with things like this.

Original poster
alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 16:39

He thinks that we are staying ntogether for teh sake of teh children but taht he also still loves me. He has recently cheated (in a very terrible way). I suppose he wants to have his cake and eat it. A friend recently suggested taht perhaps I do still love him because his behaviour has been so bad that nobody in tehir right mind would put up with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 16:41

dizieztmama, if I could see a positive future I think I would go for it. Sorry to hear that your parents subsequently had bad relationships.

OP posts:
FabulousBakerGirl · 09/05/2009 16:43

I think this is not a good relationship to stay in. Sorry.

Original poster
alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 16:45

I know it's not good. But I've chosen to do it. For all sorts of reasons. The question is how do I manage it? Maybe I can't. But I can't believe I'm the only woman who does this.

OP posts:
FabulousBakerGirl · 09/05/2009 16:47

To help you manage it we need more to go on tbh.

WHat do you need to manage - finances, where you sleep, how much time you spend together, etc.

Original poster
alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 16:48

Sleep I guess. Sex. Do we both have other relationships. Do we split later? Is that any worse for the children?

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 16:49

Thanks for giving the problem some thought It's not easy and I'm very lonely.

OP posts:
FantasticMissFox · 09/05/2009 16:49

Surely if you have chosen to stay then you don't need advice on how to manage it. Either you can manage it or you cannot. If you can't then you need to leave. Stop thinking about the children and think about what YOU want.

dizietsma · 09/05/2009 16:49

The positive future is the one you will build. It's got to be a really hard thing to do, and I'm not suggesting that it will be easy in any way, but it is necessary if you truly think the only reason to stay together is the kids.

Plus, isn't it possible that you could end up resenting your kids later in life because you wasted a lot of your life staying in a loveless marriage for their sake? I'm sure that consciously you wouldn't feel that way, but it could spill out over time.

What positivity is there in your current situation anyway?