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Original poster

Staying together for the sake of the children...

109 replies

alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 16:21

That's pretty much the choice I've made. And there are of course many problems with it. Has anyone did it? Did they regret it? How did they make it work?

Just wondering if it's possible to talk the problems over with someone,

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 09/05/2009 18:46

The breakdown of their parents' relationship is the real tragedy for children.

Divorce can provide clarity and the ability of adults and children alike to move forward.

lostinthecitylover · 09/05/2009 18:49

I agree with dietzimama (sp) - tbh my heart always sinks when I hear that people are staying for sake of children.

It sounds laudable but don't think it is as laudable as it sounds.

And as a divorced woman yes I am free in some ways - poor but free.

MadameCastafiore · 09/05/2009 18:53

My best friends husbands parents stayed together for his sake - when he was 18 his mother left, found a new partner who died a few years later - she could have had her whole life with him, been happy, had a happy child rather than one who doesn't know how a family is supposed to work.

You are not protecting your child by staying with your husband, you are damaging him.

debs05 · 09/05/2009 18:57

If you say you wish he'd meet someone else and leave you then I think you dont want to stay together. After an affair I can sympathise - that in some ways id wished my husband had left, because I felt a huge burden about deciding a future for all 7 of us. If he is already in counselling it sounds a bit more complex than your stating.

As for hot sex 5 times a night thats only possible if he's gonna pay for it!!!. Thats totally unreasonable!!! No-one lives like that.

Original poster
alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 19:13

The affair offered him hot sex five times a night and a woman who adored him. So now he thinks it's a reasonable expectation. When I say, rather bitterly, that I wonder how up for it she'd be after 20 years, lots of moodiness (on his part) and infidelity, he doesn't have an answer.

OP posts:
debs05 · 09/05/2009 19:17

Unrealistic!! she didnt have all the baggage, as you say moods, tempers etc, shitty pants!! He needs to come back down to earth and realise that he will lose you if he continues to act like a spoilt child!. You adored him (although sometimes we dont show it) until he ripped your world apart. Now he needs to adore and cherish you and realise how lucky he is.

What about you! We'd all love a topless waiter bring us breakfast in bed and someone to treat us like a princess but thats not going to happen.

Original poster
alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 19:18

SJM, your post made me cry. I do need bravery. I'm such a coward. So full of fears. My husband says things like if we separate, he won't be able to see teh chilren for a while. Or he will leave without sayi8ng goodbye. He says these thins when I talk about separation. He knows hat I am as weak as water where my children are concerned.

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 19:21

How weird. I came on here to talk about how you stay together for the sake of the children. Now I'm talkign about separation.

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 19:38

I realise that I don't want to be teh one to make teh decision. I don't want to be teh oen who breaks up teh family. Taht's why I wish he'd leave.

OP posts:
mumnosbest · 09/05/2009 19:41

If you want to be proactive, maybe tell him exactly what your problems are, what you want from the relationship, ask what he wants and if he can't settle for that then it's his choice to leave. That way you've made your feelings clear but put the ball in his court

Original poster
alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 19:44

I know what he wants. He wants it teh way it was in the beginning .He wants to be the centre of attention. He wants me to be madly sexually aroused by him at least once a day. He wants to be trusted.

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 19:45

He thinks I have a sexual problem. And I don't understand his needs. And there are plenty of women who do.

OP posts:
FabulousBakerGirl · 09/05/2009 19:48

Then tell him to go to them.

I am sorry but he is making everything your fault and it isn't.

Your children won't blame you for leaving their dad. They will see it was for the best if you can't all be happy together.

Original poster
alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 19:48

I do tell him that.

OP posts:
mrsjammi · 09/05/2009 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 20:55

He broke my heart and my trust. I think for too many years I accepted a guilt role about the lack of sex.

OP posts:
poshsinglemum · 09/05/2009 22:37

As a single mum I can kind of understand why people stay together to keep the family together however, if you are truly miserable together it is best to part. Breaking up is so hard to do. If my ex was around I'd probably be trying to make it work for dd's sake. sigh.

poshsinglemum · 09/05/2009 22:39

An affair should be a deal breaker.

mumonthenet · 09/05/2009 23:22

You sound so sad alwaysindoubt. I think yes, it is possible to stay together for the sake of the children as long as YOU can be happy in this situation. A happy mother makes happy children.

Do you have a job, family, friends, hobbies?

Can you go to counselling on your own to talk about your feelings on this, on his infidelity, whether you can (or should) forgive him, whether you love him.

What do you need from him? How much of what you need can he give you?

Never mind what he needs from you!

How old are your children?

SamJamsmum · 10/05/2009 06:44

I completely agree that YOU would not be breaking up your marriage just because you were the one to actually say 'this is it now'.
HE is one who has broken the vows of your marriage and is now lacking in remorse and the ability to empathise with your position. You can't come back from infidelity and make a marriage work if the guilty party is moving forward by simply trying to manipulate their spouse into feeling entirely responsible. You do sound like you are being cleverly 'played' here.
This has not happened just because you are not meeting his sexual needs. This has happened because he is also a selfish prick.

Would you view a woman who leaves a violent husband as the spouse responsible for the break-up of the marriage? What about a woman who was being emotionally abused?

This is not your fault. I think you need to talk to a solicitor to at least get a sense of how the practicalities might work in order to help you to make a decision about what you want to do.

His threats about the children are just further attempts to manipulate you. Do you believe he loves the kids and wants them to be happy? Then don't believe them.

Sorry I made you sad yesterday. I know it sounds as though I am pushing you but it just screams from your posts that you are unhappy and you are not in the position - that some women can be - of being able to stay in a family home 'for the sake of the children' and retain a sense of who you are and some basic contentment. I am worried if you stay in this situation you will become increasingly miserable and your bravery will disappear completely as you become more down-trodden. And if we can feel your unhappiness with only a few words on a computer screen then I am be fairly certain that your children feel the unhappiness in this situation as well.

HappyWoman · 10/05/2009 08:24

havent read all this but wanted to say - that i really dont think you can stay for the children - they will not thank you in the future.

My h had an affair - and we are still together - some of it is because of the children as it would have been easier for both of us without children involved.

Be have both worked hard on finding out why the affair happened ect and i have to believe he wont do it again (as does he of course).

I worried for a long time that he was only here for the children and i didnt want to live like that - i am worth more than that.

For me the turning point was when we were away together and i looked at my h and was overwhelmed with a sense that i wanted to share my life with him.

But i also know i could go it alone and there is a strength there i am not willing to give up. I will never again be so reliant on him for my emotional needs again. This makes me sometimes question whether this is complete love - and whether i am in it for the right reasons, but i do feel i love him - just in a slightly different (and in many ways better) way. I love him despite his faults.

My parents i feel stayed together for the sake of me and my brother. My dm is now ill and my dad is her carer. There is little love between them - she does not want to be cared for by him and equally he does not really want to care for her, but they are stuck now with no respect for how each other really feels. I vowed never to be in this situation as it is awful to watch.

Nothing is gaunteed in life but i owe it to myself to be happy with MY choices and not give that responsibility to anyone else (which is in a way what you are doing by saying you are staying BECAUSE of the children).

Talk to someone about how YOU feel and know that you can do whatever YOU want. If he chooses not to see the children then it is HIS choice and not yours and he will have to live with it not you.

Good luck and stay strong.

Tippychickchickchicken · 10/05/2009 16:07

I understand. I'm with a partner of 11 years at the moment, despite no love on my part and a squillion problems, because of our daughter. I'm not sure it was/is the right thing to do when we got back together but I know I will have to be the one to chuck him out if it comes to that. So I can sympathise that you feel as if it will be you ending the relationship, I feel the same.Remember though, it was his actions that brought you here.

Like you, my heart breaks at the thought of having to spend every second Christmas, holiday, weekend or whatever away from my DD. Or, what is almost worse, if her father fecks off and just shows up when he pleases. I worry that he will not look after her properly or that (in my madder moments) that he will run away with her.

But I am working through (at the moment)taking responsibility for my own feelings and not trying to see into the future or imagine what I think my daughter will want. Perhaps you have to do the same. I think I will have to end things, maybe you will too.

First though I would suggest that you see if it CAN be done. Go to entitledto.com and work out the money, talk to the CAB and tax credit people. Sort out where you would live and if you could afford it. Figure out the logistics of raising your son, working, living etc on your own. Then when you've worked out how it would happen it's much easier to actually make it happen IYSWIM.

Good luck either way

Original poster
alwaysindoubt · 10/05/2009 19:42

Tippychick, thank you for sharing your story. I threw my husband out when I found out about the affair and then allowed myself to be blackmailed into taking him back. My heart sank as he walked down the drive to the house. Perhaps we would have stood a chance if he had been remorseful and kind. But he just grumbled about how my coldness drove him to the affair. He is in therapy becuase I said I couldn't stand the moods any more. I won't put the children through that. So he is trying to be less grumpy but he still feels hard done by for not having the relationship that he wants.

OP posts:
SamJamsmum · 12/05/2009 06:58

How are you feeling today?

HappyWoman · 12/05/2009 07:05

oh dear it sounds as if neither of you have the relationship you want.
That is not living - it is exsisting - not good for anyone.