Staying together for the sake of the children...

[alwaysindoubt]

That's pretty much the choice I've made. And there are of course many problems with it. Has anyone did it? Did they regret it? How did they make it work?

Just wondering if it's possible to talk the problems over with someone,

Today, I'm feeling how I usually feel. Busy and productive but I am aware of an almost permanent sadness. He talks about wanting to make me happy but really, I think more in terms of being happy despite him. Sometimes you behave so badly you break something and it can't be fixed. That's what I feel today.

Oh you poor girl. He is a selfish, nasty tosspot and I think you should go and read the threads on emotional abuse. Basically he wants you to service him domestically and sexually, and to obey and indulge him, in return for which he'll... er.... well, what will he do for you? Does he do anything for you apart from financial provision (for which he clearly thinks he's bought a cook, cleaner and sex worker 24/7 for the minimum wage). He is, by the sound of it, pretty much emotionally blackmailing you into providing domestic and sexual service otherwise he will go off and not see the children very often (purely in order to punish you).

No time to read all.
There is a book called too good to leave too bad to stay
which has been helpful for me
when I have been dithering.

And of course the old Relate is very good for clarifying these things - even going alone, if your h won't go with you. You sound confused and hurt and as if you could do with a systematic look at all the issues.

God I obviously didn't read all, just read solid's post, so not only is he a cheater but a slaver too?

Oh lord.

I think that I am staying for my son, but I'm not sure - I sometimes think I am staying because I am hoping it will all get better.

I do not have anything terribly useful to say, at least nothing constructive, but I think the point is that there is no single right decision, and the decision that is right for you will change, one way or another, over time.

I've just googled that book. It looks really interesting. Thank you.

My friend told me that they never enjoyed their mother until she left their father and married another man. That was when they felt they had a mother. She said they wud go to their aunty with all their problems who wud calmly listen an solve it for them. But now, they dont need to cuz their mother wud do that for them.And it feels better.

to an extent I am still with my husband because we have children together, BUT we get along pretty well, rarely argue, are respectful and kind to each other in front of our children (and usually when we are alone) , and are bothe committed to working at our marriage. Its a long long way form the 'sould mates' but its ok - and its certainly not destructive to the kids... If it were I would leave

it is hard seperating the relationship and the dc - it is a package afterall.

Your comment about something being broken and not being able to be re-paired sounds how i have felt in the past.

After his cheating did you not consider your old relationship dead?
I think that is what i had to do.

As for him making you happy - he cannot - you have to find happiness yourself.

I think you need to take a look at what you want now and i know how confusing and hard that it, it will change over time and with life going on it is hard to see the bigger picture.

Can you find small things you can change to make you happier - a regular night out say just for you?

Do you feel he has moved on and if you continue to mention that you are not happy it will upset him further? Because again i think i have been there - you need to sit and talk with him and it may take a very long time (but so what this is all your futures and happiness).

I really wish you luck - it is not easy staying and feeling as if you have the bum deal, but you can turn it around if that is what you truely want.

You cannot change what happened but you can change how you see it as destroying something.

For me it has opened up a lot of other possibilities for me. I certtainly will not worry about what my h will say if I WANT to do something now. My happiness does not depend on him approving what i do.
Luckily my h has been terrific and actually supports me in a lot of what i want to do anyway. He is far more willing to stay in with the children whilst i go out and we have both been brave and left the children with a nanny whilst we go away and re-build us (it feel selfish at first but actually it is not).

But i really feel for you and hope you find the strengh to do what is right for you.