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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Staying together for the sake of the children...

109 replies

alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 16:21

That's pretty much the choice I've made. And there are of course many problems with it. Has anyone did it? Did they regret it? How did they make it work?

Just wondering if it's possible to talk the problems over with someone,

OP posts:

Original poster

alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 16:50

I can't imagine resenting the children though I can see how it might happen. I think I've chosen a compromised life and I want to make the best of it.

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FabulousBakerGirl · 09/05/2009 16:51

"Sleep I guess. Sex. Do we both have other relationships. Do we split later? Is that any worse for the children?"

Where do you want to sleep?
Do you want to have sex with him?
Do you want to see other people?
Are you happy for him to have other women?
If you know you are going to split later to my maind you may as well now tbh.

MeMySonAndI · 09/05/2009 16:52

well id depends, by all means try as much as you can to save the relationship for the sake of the children. But if it's not possible, leave in peace, being unhappy and therefore frustrated in a relationship in the long term is the perfect breeding ground from where nastiness, abuse and even domestic violence may develop.

I have seen children unhappy because their parents are apart, but I have also seen children(now adults) very damaged by growing under the influence of parents who didn't love each other. So... it is a though call.

One thing that made things easier for me was to be informed that children are not damaged by the parents being separated but by all the sad situations they witness in the process of the split.

This must be true, exH and I separated without much drama, DS took it far better than we ever expected it. Even the school said that apart of being very smug about having two bedrooms and a new bunk bed they saw him as happy as ever. Now, he was 4 years old, things may be different for older children.

debs05 · 09/05/2009 16:52

My husband also cheated and left me devastated and at first I reasoned about staying for our 5 children, but then even after all he'd done I realised that I loved him. If your husbad has cheated it may be all too raw and the only decision you feel is to seperate, I know exactly how you feel.

Its been over a yr for me and I have only just decided that Im staying with him for me and no-one else. I used every excuse not to chuck him out for good, all I wanted was someone to say it was ok to stay with him. But that was a decision I had to make myself. Sorry to ramble on.

dizietsma · 09/05/2009 16:52

Are you both keeping your extra marital affairs from your kids then?

If you both had an open relationship and were honest about it with the kids that would be one thing, but the web of lies I'm seeing open up here is a very unhealthy atmosphere for kids to grow up in.

FabulousBakerGirl · 09/05/2009 16:53

I really admire you, debs05.

Original poster

alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 16:53

I find it really difficult to articulate my wants. I envy divorced women to be honest. Yet, I know I would find their lives hard.

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Original poster

alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 16:54

I'm not having an affair. I never have. He has. But if he is going to continue to have them, I don't want to pretend to mend our relationship.

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FabulousBakerGirl · 09/05/2009 16:56

Do you envy divorced women because they have made the decision or because you can't make the decision?

Original poster

alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 16:58

I envy them because they seem free. I know it's always easy to imagine the grass is greener. And I think lots of people (men in particular) run off and then find out it's not such a good decision after all. I have a good friend whose husband trashed her for ages. Then he left for a younger woman. That ended and now he's humble and wants my friend back. Can't believe he didn't appreciate what he had. I'm a pretty stoical person and slow to make changes.

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debs05 · 09/05/2009 17:02

Thanks FBG! I know how you feel Alwaysindoubt, one saying I always offer as advice to my friends is from my nan who died 85, she said "if everything is okay in the bedroom department then you have a chance" I know it sounds crap and not everything is about sex, but if that spark is still there, or you catch his eye and share a secret smile then its worth fighting for!. Kids need to see you being affectionate and loving, to be in a household where you can cut the atmosphere with a knife is not good for kids. Make a mental list of the positives and not the negatives.

Original poster

alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 17:03

It's not okay in the bedroom department. Sadly.

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Original poster

alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 17:04

But I should think about the positives. There must be some eh?

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debs05 · 09/05/2009 17:05

Positive mental list!

StirlingTheStrong · 09/05/2009 17:05

I have told this story on here before but I think it is relevant..

A friend of mine lives next door to an old couple (in their 60's, lovely big house) and the old guy left his wife. One evening the old lady asked my friend round for a drink. My friend said the lady was very sad and depressed and drinking too much. She said she hadn't been happy for years but had stayed for the dc, who were now grown up. She realised that she should have left when she was 40 but didn't. She spoke to her, now older, dc and told them she stayed for them and they said "Well, I dont know why you stayed together - it was always obvious you weren't happy together".

So, rather too late, she realised that she had wasted part of her life when she could have been happy, with the dc, elsewhere!

I agree with others. You must do what will make you happy. The dc may not be happy at first if you split, but they will when they have a happy and confident Mum

FabulousBakerGirl · 09/05/2009 17:05

it can be not okay but still okay iyswim.

i would like more with dh but it isn't worth leaving over

dizietsma · 09/05/2009 17:06

Sorry AID, one of your posts sounded like you too were also having affairs. Either way, for your kids to one day understand that their dad cheated on you and you accepted that... well what does that tell them about how they ought to behave in a relationship?

If you both went and got counselling for the rift, reignited the love and respect in your relationship after healing the hurt that would be different. Again, it's not an easy solution, but it's an honest one.

mrsjammi · 09/05/2009 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 17:11

I will never tell my children that I stayed for their sake. Never. And I won't become a heavy drinking old lady. Please God, I won't. I know that I am modelling a poor relationship. I do know that what I am in isn't good. But I'm not convinced that in our case, divorce would be better.

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mrsjammi · 09/05/2009 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

debs05 · 09/05/2009 17:16

Okay so things are different in your relationship but what about concentrating on making yourself happy outside the marriage. (Not an Affair). Go to college, retrain etc or perhaps you already work. I did this and it really helped to focus my attention on myself other than my troubles. But an unhappy mum makes unhappy kids - I know. Make the decision for you and then you will be happy.

dizietsma · 09/05/2009 17:17

"I'm not convinced that in our case, divorce would be better."

OK then, why? What would be so terrible about it?

FabulousBakerGirl · 09/05/2009 17:18

Kids can sense things.

They will feel bad that you stayed for them and were unhappy.

debs05 · 09/05/2009 17:25

Echo all the above, sorry to be airy fairy with my advice, but you havent given any specific reasons why you dont want to be married. I know alot of my friends are in unhappy marriages, always moaning about their husbands and I dont see the point, life is too short to waste on being unhappy. If its fixable fix it (with help) if not call it a day.

Original poster

alwaysindoubt · 09/05/2009 17:27

There are lots of problems.

1 he has cheated on me.

sex is a problem
we seem to have differing views on many things (aside from teh children.)

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