SUPPORT THREAD FOR PARTNERS OF ADDICTS - PART 2

[ginnny]

I thought I'd start us a new thread since the old one was going strong for over a year and I know a lot of people find it helpful.
DP did go on a bender Monday and Tuesday, which although I wasn't happy about, I understood why. He is lost and can't cope with the grief of losing his Mum.
Since then though he's been great, so once the funeral is over I'm hoping we can put it behind us and get back to normal.
I've suggested bereavement counselling, but he's not convinced.

ah but you see my guy does most of the cooking in our place (he is home more than me, and more interested in a proper meal every night) he also washes his own kecks and sticks mine and kids on too while he is at it. He's not good at drying/putting away and we don't do ironing but in all not as bad as some.

He doesn't clean or tidy which drives me barmy but not him so me refusing to do it wouldn't make any difference.

Am going to get a cleaner though,as otherwise I'll go for him one of these days.

And need to keep it amicable for the kids.

peanutbrittle,

No one benefits from being in a relationship with an alcoholic. Everyone else tiptoes around that person, you all end up becoming responsible for the alcoholic and their alcoholism. Doing so may actually impair any subsequent recovery; enabling them does not actually help them. It is very bad news for the children as well, it can profoundly affect their childhood.

There are no guarantees here; some alcoholics can and do lose everything but they still carry on drinking.

You must remember the 3cs with regards to alcoholism:-

You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

I read somewhere today (on MN I think) that there is a difference between an alcoholic and someone who drinks too much to deal with problems. What do you guys think about that?

H has toldme he drinks in order to cope with life, that he thinks he suffers depression, maybe manic depression. I've never seen signs of manic depression in him myself (i've known two manic depressives) - depression yes,but tbh it could as easily be caused by the non-stop boozing. When I put that to himhe said he had alwyas been depressed, even before he started boozing but that was as likely to have been standard melancholic youth/teenage angst as anything else.

Anyway, maybe that question is immaterial.Point is he is a nice guy, good to us in his way, pays the bills, helps with teh childcare etc but I feel no emotional connection with himanymore and I've said over and over I think the booze contributes to this lack and he seems unwilling to do anything real about that or to return to counselling. So I need out.

I worry that I am using an easy tag of "alcoholic" to make myself feel less guilty about it all

god, how much I have agonised over all of this, again and again.I just want to not have to do it anymore.

peanutbrittle

Have you considered talking to Al-anon; they can help family members of problem drinkers.
I'll put up their details for you.

Alcohol acts as a depressant and he could well be self medicating. Regardless of the root causes as to why he drinks (and there are always reasons as to why) it is affecting you markedly as a family unit. You're also caught up in his drinking; you're all on the merry go around of alcoholism as well, you're all feeling responsible for him. None of this is doing you or by turn your kids any favours. Its damaging you all.

Counselling and or rehab won't help if he's only doing so for instance because you're telling him to go there. He has to want to help his own self and some people never get to that stage.

Guilt is a useless emotion - you have no need at all to feel guilty. You are not responsible for him ultimately (you probably feel very responsible for him but that is truly misplaced), only yourself and any children you have.

You need real life support for your own self. Look after both you and your children.

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street, London SE1 4YF
Tel: 020 7403 0888 (Helpline 10am - 10pm, 365 days a year)
Fax: 020 7378 9910

just got home from work (left early feeling crap - sore throat etc) and I saw him walking down the opposite side of our road on his way to work. He looked so handsome. I felt so drab and lifeless. He walked across the road to say hello to me, all happy cos the kids were better this morning so obviouslt taht means it is not after allaffecting DD1. I could barely talk I wanted to cry so much. Got home and had a good bawl on the stairs .Now having large cup of tea and some flapjacks.Oh have I mentioned I am overeating big time,no wonder am feeling unattractive and drab.

Maybe I do need to ring AlAnon - not sure how to start though

thanks for number meerkat, it has been suggested and for somereason I've been resisting

well I phoned AlAnon- the office was closed and the two other numbers they gave were busy

will try to find another opportunity later

what can they say to me though?

peanut,

With a cold/flu anyone would be feeling drab and lifeless. Please do not be so hard or down on yourself.

After you've eaten pick the phone up and call them. They won't bite!. You'll be okay, honest. Maybe you have resisted until now because it will seem more "real" to you if you call somebody and say that your H has a drink problem. MN is great but you need real life support too.

You need real life support and you need to properly address why you overeat (it is likely due to him and his ongoing behaviour. The overeating is probably a coping/defence mechanism. Please talk to your GP).

You say he is a "good dad", well in his own way, but he's not a good husband to you is he. Can you not see the contradiction here?.

If he is alcoholic his behaviour will likely affect the children emotionally to their detriment.

Its easy to write, not so easy to put into practice.

Well done you for phoning them. That is a big step and a brave one to make. Keep trying the number. You need real life support too.

sometimes I wonder if it is all a drama I am making up just to keep myself interested in my life...paint myself as a victim or something weird like that

maybe it's normal,maybe I expect too much.He's a nice guy,if I weren't so "demanding" we'd be fine.

Maybe I should just accept it as it is. I've been reading lots about "acceptance". But I just don't seem to be able to do that.

In my brighter moments I am happy to have my own space now,my own room,my own bed etc. But I am so up and down.

I was anorexic/bulimic as a teenager (have never been "normal" so I do wonder if it is alla story I am spinning myself) so I do need to watch the overeating - I am usually quite good around food these days so am not going to beat myself upover seeking solace in a few too many flapjacks/bars of chocolate right now.But will watch it. At least i haven't hit the booze/fags which until this year has been my way of coping. Then I traditionally get drunk, get all emotional and sleep with him.And it all starts again.So am proud I am managing not to do that this time. I hav egotten my own relationship with alcohol to a much better place over the past 12 months, that's one good thing

can anyone tellme what happens at an alanon meeting - step by step - I think I have found one nearby that I could go to tomorrow night but am dead nervous

agree that maybe I need something outside of the GP/therapist...someone who knows what it feels like...

Well while I can only tell you what happens in our local group as each group has it's own way of running the meeting, but from what I have seen as a visitor to other groups they are generally run on similar lines. The person chairing the meeting will read the opening and request a few moments silence to let everyone gather their thoughts and remember why they are there. They will usually ask if there are new members present and if there are, the chairperson will tell them a little about the meetings and explain anonymity to them. Then another person will maybe read a page from one of the Al-anon books and share on the relevance the reading has for them. While that person is speaking, no one interrupts or offers advice or comments. When they have finished speaking, it is left open for anyone else to speak (or "share"). Depending on numbers the chairperson may go round the room and ask each person in turn if they want to share, or may invite people to share if they want to. Personally I prefer the round the room way, as I find it more daunting to put my hand up and ask to speak!! If someone doesn't want to speak, they say something like "I'll just listen tonight thanks" and the chairperson moves on to the next person. When everyone who wanted to has shared, the chairperson closes the meeting with the Serenity Prayer. Then there is usually a cup of tea and a chat for half an hour or so. Although a closing prayer is said, the programme itself isn't religious and doesn't push any belief system on you. All faiths and no faiths are welcome. I really hope you get up the courage to go...the first meeting is the hardest one! It is advised that you attend six meetings before you decide if it is right for you. The one thing you are guaranteed to meet there is someone who identifies totally with what you are going through. That sort of support is without price really. I loved how no one judged me, no matter how many times I changed my mind about what I wanted to do. No one pushed their opinions on me or told me I "should" do this or that. They just shared their story with me and I was free to take any bits that seemed relevent to me and use them if I saw fit. There is a great dignity in being allowed to find your own way, at your own pace, to work through your own problems. The same support is waiting for you and I hope you reach out and ask for it. Good luck!!

thanks ludog, thanks everyone

I phoned them again and got the details of a group near me that is meeting tonight...I might just go

I just hope they can cope with my bewilderment about whether his drinking is actually the problem or whether I (and my various versions of insanity) am...probably a mixture of both

felt better in the end yesterday - walked through the park rather than using car to collect kids (perked me up) got home and played games with them after tea, sewing and jigsaws. Got them to bed ok and then ran myself a bath, changed all the bedclothes on my bed, had my bath, hopped into bed with my book. Feel asleep quite happily. I think it was important to do some things to make me feel comforted. I enjoyed changing the bedclothes whereas previously when we shared a bed I used to just resent it - why wasn't he doing it etc etc etc, also I suppose I just didn't like our bed then as we both used to sleep clinging to the edge as far away from each other as we could. God, the underlying daily resentments were enormous. Will be glad to get past those at least.

off out for lunch with some friends now , day off work today with DD2. Hurrah

Well done Even - like Ludog says the first session is the hardest, but I remember coming out of my first session feeling better than I had in years. It was like it all suddenly made sense iykwim.
I hope you find it as helpful as I did.

Even, good to see you sounding more positive. How did you get on?

aaah, I didn't go though. Was feeling awful with rotten cold and sore throat and chickened out. Just as well in the end as I went to bed with kids at 8pm, got up on Saturday at 8am and still needed two hours in bed on Saturday afternoon

am out with a friend next Friday but may try to go the one after that

I do need to move on from this, apart from anything else I feel it's a psychodrama (whether real or imaginary) surrounding me that I need to escape from

SS thanks for your email - I will respond asap, it was really helpful

Hi all - How is everyone?

Peanut - how did you get on with calling Alanon back?

We're doing really well. DD has just got back from a football party; she has another party tomorrow. Her social life may well be better than mine right now but I'm just enjoying my home without any madness going on. I'm able to sit where I like (other than 'my bedroom'), light the fire if I like, watch what I like. Fantastic!!

Am just going to make banana bread with DD....such simple pleasure that even this time last year I wasn't 'allowed' to do without causing world war 3 (all because he would be terrified of me finding his stash of booze in the kitchen!!) - but then again EH had absolutely no inclination to make stuff with her either . I do feel like I'm doing a lot of catching up.

You can't change the past SS but you have started creating a new future for you both! Sounds like life is good today for you both. Things good here even though all dds sick.
DD1 has had suspected swine flu but is almost back to normal now. In fact she wasn't too bad really...keeping her isolated from the rest of us was the hard bit. Dds 2&3 have both got nasty chest infections and are on anti-bs. I think its going to be a loooong winter! Thank God dh is doing well, life seems easier to face when there is no drunken behaviour to contend with. Hope everyone doing ok!

Hi, haven't had access to internet for ages, so haven't had a chance to catch up. Just about to put dd1 to bed, so hopefully will be back later.

Currently in a refuge, as his behaviour just became (more) impossible to endure. Been here 2 months, and it's a huge relief to be away from him, although he's still in contact and driving me mad.

Anyway, hope everyone's doing ok, and especially thinking of Ready

aka pri
ncesshobnob

Hi all I am an occasional poster on this thread and every time I do post I am reminded how little progress I seem to be making!

My DH is a drinker, not every day but a weekend binger (except the weekends normally last from Wednesday to Sunday night!). He has lots of good qualities but I am sick of spending every weekend night on Mumsnet while he drinks himself to oblivion.

I calculated last night that he drank 16 units of alcohol - does that sound like a lot? That's a pretty average Saturday night for him.

I have challenged him before about his drinking, several times, both nicely and not so nicely. He is in major denial. He tells me things like he isn't harming anyone, that government guidelines are just made up anyway, that he needs it to relax and it's his only vice, blah blah blah. He has promised many times to moderate his drinking but never does.

I guess I just feel a bit stuck - things are not "bad enough" for me to go as far as telling him to move out, at least not yet. During the day he is sober and lovely (albeit a bit hungover!). Every time he gets drunk I go to be having decided that's it, enough is enough, then I wake up the next morning and it doesn't seem so bad. We get up and go about our normal family business pretty much as if nothing has happened - I guess him being pissed is pretty much the new normal.

I have done a lot of reading about alcoholism and about co-dependence and am trying not to let it affect my life and the DD's - I have decided to stop hassling him about it, but as a result I feel like I am now ignoring it. Elephant in the room type thing.

I feel like I could do with some counselling or something to help me decide what I really want and put together a plan. Trouble is there are no al-anon meetings near enough to me and at times I can go, and private counsellors are expensive, I have seen 65 quid an hour. Any suggestions? Are there any telephone helplines or anything or would they just point me to al anon? Could the GP help? I just feel a bit stuck really.

Thanks for letting me waffle!

Hi teenyweenytadpole,
I could have written your post word for word about 12/14 years ago and all I can tell you is that as time went on the drinking got worse and I was no longer in any doubt about the extent of the problem. Alanon was the turning point for me and subsequently for dh as when I started changing, everything else changed too. I understand your dilemma re local meetings at times that suit. The only possible solution that I can think of is the on-line meetings. I have found them helpful when I couldn't get out to my local one. The website is stepchat.com you have to register with a user name and password. Just follow the links into the Alanon room. Most of the posters are in the US but you will usually find someone to chat to. I found it very helpful to have a supportive "ear" when I needed to vent. HTH.

teeny

Sixteen units is a heck of a lot at any one sitting. And its not just his liver that's being affect either; his memory amongst other things can also become affected by excessive long term alcohol misuse.

You have an alcoholic for a husband, I feel for both you and your children as this is no life for you or they to be witnessing. For half of the week he is drunk and the rest of the time he is sobering up only to begin drinking again the following weekend.

You as well as he are also on the merry go around of alcoholism and you have enabled him like many women do in these situations. He has chosen drink before everything and everyone else; everything and everyone else is of secondary importance. Alcoholics can be the most selfish of people. Those good qualities you write of (what exactly are they?) will be subsumed by alcohol over time. You cannot hide it all from your children, they do pick up on the underlying tensions between you both. They can sense you are unhappy even though you may not say anything out loud.

I remember what you wrote before and I am sorry though not surprised to see that things are no better. Infact they are probably worse now than ever.

Where are the consequences for his actions?.
How bad does it have to get in your eyes to ask him to move out?. From here, it looks pretty much appalling for you all. This is no life for either you or your DDs to be witnessing. What are you both teaching them here about relationships?. You're both imparting lessons here that they are all too readily picking up on. The elephant in the room will destroy you all - time to face up to the realities of your family situation now.

This is no legacy you want to leave them; being a child in an alcoholic parent household is awful and does affect such children markedly. It can make them much more likely to choose alcoholics themselves as partners in their adult relationships and can create for them all sorts of problems.

I guess as well you have two lives - the life you present to the outside world (how many people actually know of his alcohol problem, at a guess I would say very few indeed) and the life within your house.

BACP have a list of counsellors and they do not charge the earth either. www.bacp.co.uk is their website.

Al-anon have a telephone helpline; I'd be on the phone to them as well. You need real life support.

You must remember the 3c's re alcoholism:-

You did NOT cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

teeny

If you do this already do not drink alcohol with him any longer.

The GP may be of some assistance to you personally but support service provision can be patchy.

Your husband has to want to seek help for his own self - no one but him can do that though. And he may never decide to seek help at all. There are no guarantees here. He may well go onto lose everything but still chooses to drink.

You are NOT responsible for him ultimately, you are only responsible for your own self and your children.

princess - so good to hear from you. Are you finding it easier being away from the madness? It must be difficult at a refuge, my thoughts are with you (and with ready, wherever she might be...)

teeny - gosh, I do understand your post SO well. I remember the waking up every morning with the feeling that the time would come to give up on everything, but that it was not today, as today I still had hope that our lives could be turned around. Don't do it! It kills your spirit, it really does! You need to get help for yourself to get you strong and able to cope without that self-delusion, step-chat is readily available and will be of support. Also, get RL help. As difficult as it may seem, you'll get a very positive reaction from those who love you and care about you, you need real people to turn to when it gets too much that will understand, not judge and be supportive. And we are still here - we've all been/are going/will go through the same phase you are currently at. You are not alone.

Hi Can I please join this thread.. have had some great advice on my own post 'what to do re leaving' further down but I really need to keep myself focussed on making the changes I need to make things right for me and the dcs. I'm going to copy and paste my original post under this one in a moment.
DP has been very pleasant the last few days . I'm not stupid; he has been sleeping very well so I know he is back smoking the hash again. I told him so today and he said it was just the odd night to wind down after work- yeah right said I, to which he didnt argue. As an estimate I reckon he has drunk around 40 pints this week...It's too much isnt it?