Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh said "I do do all the working"

27 replies

tooconfusedagain · 05/05/2009 10:19

brief outline of circumstanes. I'm sahm to 3 yr old. dh out at work 7.30am to 6pm weekdays.I got fed up last night as i nearly always do the washing up after dinner (aswell as cooking it - i do actually enjoy cooking so it's not usually a chore). I had a maon t dh about me do all the clearing up, washing up , etc and he said he did all the working and as he gets up at 6.30 (i dont' get up til he leaves at 7.30)its not unfair that i do more in the evenings. This may be true but i just hated the way he said it. he has since apologised and said he know i do alot too but still doesn't think it s unfair i do more in the evening.

Summary of what we do:

cooking - me
washing up - me
dishwasher - both
washing andputting away - both
ironing - mainly him
hoovering - Him when reminded, sometimes me
cleaning - me
bins - him
household admin - me

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 05/05/2009 10:21

Why are you washing up at all if you have a dishwasher? Just put everything in the DW and stick it on.

Your DH does a lot more chores than my DP, btw, and I don't think I have a bad deal (SAHM with part-time job, one DD, two DSSs).

BonsoirAnna · 05/05/2009 10:23

Personally I don't think your DH should be doing ironing or hoovering or bins if he is out at work all day...

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 05/05/2009 10:25

Here's how to work it out: how much leisure time does each of you get? You should both get the same amount (that's leisure time to pursue your own interests, it's not doing childcare or housework).

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 05/05/2009 10:25

We do washing up aswell as we're tryring to save electricity and only put some things in dishwasher

OP posts:
Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 05/05/2009 10:27

We proably get roughly the same amount of tiem to do our own thing. Dh doesn't do much without me or ds. I get to do the things i want to do - occasioanly girly nifghts out and going swimming/gym

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 05/05/2009 10:28

sometimes it is hard to not take it personally, but try not to.

I am sure he gets fed up at work too as you do at home.

Your list looks on the surface looks a fairly even division but there are a lot of 'other' things that take both time and energy to do.

We have 4 dc and i take full reponsibilty for them and their routines - ie health, dentists, shcool work, meals, clothes buying ..... the list is endless.

But anything to do with moving furtniture, decotation, major works is h's chore (as well as a very full time job).
You both need to be happy with your share otherwise it would not be a partnership.

If for whatever reason one of you were unable to 'do your things' would the other be happy to step in? if the answer is yes then i think yo have to accept that it was a careless coment he made and forgive him for it and try not to 'outdo' each other.

Kewcumber · 05/05/2009 10:30

so he does 7.30am to 6om presumably with an hour for lunch and you do 7.30 - 6pm presumably without an hour for lunch seems pretty even there (unless DC in nursery in which case I would give him some slack and do some of the houswork during nursery Then childcare and chores should be split evenly over the weekend.

Why shouldn't he take out the bins just becasue he's working.

I work and do the childcare outside of work and put the bins out and do any of the housework that the cleaner doesn't do - on my own without a DP. Its not exactly working in the salt mines!

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 05/05/2009 10:31

yes, if either were unable to do their things then the other would usually step in. Althought i have come back to his dirty dishes, pans etcj after a night out

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 05/05/2009 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 05/05/2009 10:33

he often only has a quick luch break. Ds at nursery 2 mornigns a week. but by the time done taking and dropping off only adds up to about 4 hours a week

OP posts:
morningpaper · 05/05/2009 10:34

What time do you have dinner? Why don't you wash up while he baths and puts the toddler to bed?

TBH if you have everything washed up by the time he comes home, with dinner all ready, then there will only be a couple of plates needing rinsing which only takes a minute.

Thebolter · 05/05/2009 10:38

Agree with BonsoirAnna - your dh does seem to do quite a lot. I too work pt but still do the majority of household chores, and all the household admin. (We also now have a cleaner but most of the washing, cooking, tidying, clearing up etc is done by me).

Does your dd have childcare funding yet? I'd imagine you'll have quite a lot of free time then? I wouldn't begrudge your dh if so. I agree with SGB about division of leisure time. When I was a SAHM with two and a half free days a week, I used to ensure that dh had more leisure time than me at weekends. Now I work pt and don't have any free time during the week, we have an equal share at weekends.

Thebolter · 05/05/2009 10:40

Sorry x posted with your earlier one re nursery.

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 05/05/2009 10:49

we don't have dinner til about 8 after ds has gone to bed. i usually start preparing dinner while dh puts ds to bed

OP posts:
stickylittlefingers · 05/05/2009 10:50

maybe it's always doing the same things that's getting to you? Dp and I swap around - just recently I've hardly done any cooking! We both work full time so there's perhaps less "difference" felt between us. The only thing that he practically always does is change lightbulbs cos he's so much taller than me! Apart from that, there's nothing to stop us swapping everything. I know some people like rotas and all that, but I hate it (I didn't have a routine for the dc either. Very bad mum in most people's books!). But we're happy...

SerendipitousHarlot · 05/05/2009 10:52

I think your dh does more than his fair share actually.

morningpaper · 05/05/2009 10:53

That does sound like a rather long day of chores for both of you TBH. Can't you make your dinner while you make your son's dinner? Or prepare it earlier in the day? Starting MORE cooking at the end of day would drive me mad. Then it will all be done and dusted and ready for eating once he's asleep, with just a couple of plates to wash up.

Alternatively, what time does your son eat dinner? Could you all sit down at 6? That way, all the housework is done by 7pm with the children asleep and aaaaahhhh much more relaxing.

TheCrackFox · 05/05/2009 11:01

Well there is a first for everything, I actually agree with BonsoirAnna.

Your DH actually does a lot IMO. My DH is a chef and works 9am-midnight 5 days a week. I pretty much do everything during his working week. On his days off we take it in turns to cook. He does help a lot on his days off but I do take into account that he is tired as his job is physically very demanding.

Morningpaper also makes a good suggestion. If you all eat together as a family you will have a much longer and relaxing evening together as a couple.

nickytwotimes · 05/05/2009 11:06

I agree with the suggestion that you all eat together at 6 or 6.30, then you clear up while he does bath time and bedtime. This is how dh and I do things (I am SAHM, he works all day) and then we have our evenings free from about 7.30 to relax or sometimes finish off a few chores.
I also don't see why you can't do the hoovering or ironing tbh. Those are pretty long working hours.

BonsoirAnna · 05/05/2009 11:45

If you have an energy efficient dishwasher, it will be more economical to wash in the DW than by hand.

Why do you have dinner so late when your DH gets home at 6pm? Especially given that he is up at 6.30 am? Your days are very long and that may be part of your problem. Try to have dinner earlier and to eat as a family - that way you only have one meal to prepare in the evening and you can talk to your DS which is a good thing!

mayorquimby · 05/05/2009 12:28

so you moaned at him about you doing everything, he moaned back you that he does everything. yet only he has to apologise? and seeing as you get an hour extra sleep in the morning surely it is only fair if you do a bit more in the evening. especially as this seeems to end up with you both doing the same amount of work

ProfYaffle · 05/05/2009 12:36

I agree with all the earlier suggestions. I'm a sahm to 2 dc, dh is out 8am - 6pm. We all eat together as soon as he gets in then he sorts the dc out for bed while I wash up tidy kitchen and living room then we're all done by 7.30/8pm ish. Through the week I don't expect him to do any specific chores, I do housework/ironing etc while dd2 is at nursery.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 05/05/2009 12:58

I find that the best way to do things is to get everything done earlier. DH gets home about the same time as you, we all eat together.

Then he gets the DC ready for bed (fair I think, even though he has been working, he needs to spend time with the DC) whilst I tidy up the days mess. I get DD to bed, he does DS. The we spend half an hour together doing any chores that haven't been done in the day, I like to vacuum at the end of the day so it is tidy for the evening. He washes up any left over bits and walks the dog.

This way, no-one spends all night working. We then get to sit down together and spend the evening talking or whatever without being annoyed about the chores. I do almost everything but there is no harm in working together for a short time to get everything done if it then means you can do nothing.

I think there is no harm in him taking a bin out on his way to work in the morning.

Twirl · 05/05/2009 15:41

Those of you who eat as a family at 6ish, how old are your children? It is something I really want to start doing (to cut down on cooking 2 meals) but I am not sure my nearly 3 year old could wait that long....

ProfYaffle · 05/05/2009 16:30

My dc are 5 and 2. We've been eating at that time since dd1 was about 2.5 and dh got a new job which meant he only got in at 6pm. They usually have a mid afternoon snack to keep them going, especially since dd1 started school.