Husband bit me

[oncebit]

To set the scene I am married to a (usually) totally unabusive and supportive man

Last night I had a tiff with dh over sex. Basically my sex drive at the moment is zero and he wanted sex. This is usually not a problem but last night totally out of character he got shirty. First he demanded I give him a handjob-I got upset at this and accused him of treating me like a paid companion with no regard to my feelings. Then as I went to get out of bed he leant over and bit me on the back.

This wasnt a playful bite, it was really hard and really painful. He then started crying and begging me not to leave

Now this morning I can't lay on my back or lean against a chair because of this massive bruise on my back (complete with teeth marks).

I understand dv and how it works. He tells me the instinct was to stop me and control me. He's very sheepish and apologetic this morning.

I feel really confused as he's never hurt me before-although he has restrained me in the past which I was really pissed off about. What are your thoughts on this? I don't want to leave. I love him and he's an excellent father.

I just want to hear your thoughts. Why BITE? What's biting all about? He could have grabbed my wrist to stop me (yeah I know absuive in itself). Why bite?

Why the bite

I should also say the behaviour with demanding handjobs/sex so crudely is also out of character. Although he has been known to manipulate me into sex when he knows I don't want to

It's a bit childish to be honest, it sounds more like an anger and frustration thing then something done out of malice.

Have you tried relate or some type of couples counselling? He does need some sort of anger management.

NO fluff, we haven't. He doesn't really have a temper usually. Even last night, it was just a flash. We rarely even argue and even when we do it's just a 'talk it out' type argument. I didn't really think we had a problem

he sounds very very angry.

He has a real problem if he can manipulate you into having sex with him. This is concerning for a relationship that needs to be loving and considerate to be honest. Sex should always be mutual. If one side doesn't want it then the other should always stop, not manipulate the other so they can get their own way. This too is childish, verging on something else.

what utterly worrying and frankly strange behaviour from him

biting another human (unless you are 2 yrs old) is one of the last taboos and would normally, IMO, be an escalation from more consistent physical abuse such as pushing, slapping etc

he sure has skipped a few stages!!

very concerning and if this had happened to me he would be out of my house, good father or no good father

You think Theif? Do you mean angry just because I didnt want sex or long-term underlying angry?

Not that I'm defending him because he was totally out of order and he should be ashamed and definitely showing remorse!

I'm just wondering from his point of view, has it been a really long time without sex? Obviously he is married to you and wants to be faithful to you so that leaves him between a rock and a hard place if you really dont want sex and he really does doesn't it? He handled it wrong, you say he is usually ok about the lack of sex, maybe he was trying to handle it as best he could and when that didn't work he's gone for instinct, not right at all but just trying to understand his side as you say you don't want to leave and this is out of character.

Personally as someone who enjoys sex and does get quite moody without it I don't know how I would react if my dp refused sex with me most of the time, I think I would feel hurt/ rejected and a bit angry if I'm honest. My dp is not as affectionate as I'd like, I enjoy being kissed but he has sinus issues and finds it hard to breath so he obviously avoids it if he can because it doesn't help with his breathing but I can't go and kiss other men, it does make me a bit sad but I can live with it (although the amount of times I've asked him to see a doctor for a permanent solution and he still won't does fustrate me)

So basically after my waffle I think you need to address the reason you don't want sex with him because it's not fair to force him into celibacy just as it's not fair for him to force sex on you. There needs to be a compromise that doesn't involve growing resentment and hurt.

long term, pent up resentment, deep rooted anger I meant.

I would tell him that you wont be having sex again until he goes the doctor for help with anger and control issues.
Personally I also wouldn't allow him to sleep in the same bed as me either.

He sounds controlling oncebit. He couldn't get his own way so he got angry. Children bite as a sign of frustration when they don't get their own way. They do, as AF says, grow out of it.
I wouldn't put up with behaviour like this either. You wouldn't take it from a child, even less from an adult who manipulates you into having sex against your will and bites you when you stand up for yourself. Read what you've written, pretend it's someone else that's written it, what would you say?

lovemygirls, are you suggesting that the way for oncebit to respond to being bitten hard enough to leave a bruise is to have more sex with her husband ??

Lovemygirls: It's been about 3 weeks that we haven't had sex for. For the first 2 weeks it was because he was stressed in work, but i've been really really tired this week. I do enjoy sex usually but i've been feeling more and more turned off by some of his manipulative behaviour.

The night before this happened we'd both had a few glasses of wine and he was being a bit silly and wanting to play this game in bed which involved touching each other how we'd like the other one to touch us. He put on this really wheedling voice and I felt a bit like I was a child again. I didn't get flash backs per se just I got a bit freaked out and asked him to stop. He stopped.

On another occasion many months ago he wanted me to sit on his face. Now I absolutely HATE this because of reasons in my past. He knows this. Well he knows I hate it but to be honest i've never been really clear with him about why. Despite knowing that it upsets me he continued to push. So I did what he wanted. The whole time this was going on, I was totally freaking out in my head. It hasnt really been the same since. I don't feel ok all of the time in bed now as I know he will push me into doing things I don't want to. I also know that because of my low self esteem and lack of assertiveness that I will go along with it .

I don't have a low sex drive per se and I do fancy him and love him but this sort of wheedling and manipulating has really started to bother me and effect my sexual reaction to him.

No! I just mean she needs to work out why she doesn't want sex, apart from this she has said she loves him and he's a good dad etc - I understand totally why she wouldn't want sex with him after this awful incident but in order to move on in the future she needs to understand why she doesn't want sex with him if she wants a platonic relationship then imo she should end the relationship because it's unfair for both of them to stay together if she never wants sex and he does.

For now I was just trying to understand why he bit her in the first place because if they don't that then how can she be sure it won't happen again?

She obviously needs to explain that biting her is a surefire way of not getting sex for a long time!

Anyfucker: I understand what Lovemygirls is saying. She's being pragmatic. I understand how it must sound from a feminist perspective. But i'm a realist too, and she's probably right. It is the way to patch this thing over . I don't want to lose him but I think we are just different species' sometimes.

I'm starting to sound like a walking cliche arnt it?

I would really struggle to forgive my partner something like. What else will he do to you if he got so angry to bite you!!
I think its very worrying. Best of luck.

I don't think any of this is about how frequent you have sex oncebit. You both need some professional support by the sound of things, would he go to relate with you? Sometimes a different pespective can really help, you do need someone to back you up aswell as it sounds like you are letting him railroad you into things that you don't wish to do. It's hardly going to help your self-esteem and lack of assertiveness.

I'm off now but will be back later.

he "handled it wrong" ??

I cannot understand why there are not more outraged women on this thread about the biting

That would be a dealbreaker for me, and would negate everything that had gone before

I seem to be in a minority on this thread, and would be less looking for the reasons why and more into how the fuck to get away from this vile man

Ahh that makes things different, you have good reasons for feeling the way you do and he should know this, you need to tell him what you just told us because he needs to know so he can understand and change the way he reacts to you. You need to be clear about it so fully understands. Maybe get some couples counselling so you can talk to him about it with support?

"I don't feel ok all of the time in bed now as I know he will push me into doing things I don't want to."

this statement is worrying though, I don't think I could ever have sex with someone who made me feel like this.

Thanks Chickers. We've been together for 10 years. In that time he's restrained me in the middle of an argument 3 times. The restraint took the form of him wrapping his arms around me and not letting me get away from the situation. To contextualise I wasnt physically attacking him or anything remotely like that. It's just that the verbal argument got too stressful for me so I wanted to leave the house too cool down-he wouldnt let me. He's never hit me, used abusive language to me or withheld money/resources or any of those old classics.

I find myself perplexed as this sort of thing in my mind only usually happens to 'other people'.

We have never argued infont of the children or anywhere near the vincinity of where they may overhear.

yes, he is a different species

you are human and he is an animal

oncebitathousandtimesshy

if you let this go, in 12 months time you will be a battered wife

mark my words

Reality: Yes I was.

I agree with Reality and AnyFucker.