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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

unsuitable man problems...please help

87 replies

cantworkthisout · 02/05/2009 22:30

Can someone help me with this as I have myself into a mess with a man and don?t know what to do. Basically I have got involved with someone who is really bad for me and am really confused now.

I am a single parent, I hardly go out as my daughter doesn?t see her father much and I am really lonely. I would love to meet the right man but it is really difficult and I also miss sex very much. I am fed up with sitting on my own in the house and just want to have a bit of fun. My daughter is nearly 5 so it has been a long time now.

There?s a man who I know from a friend of mine and it is obvious that we have both always fancied each other but he is bad news, he takes a lot of drugs (cocaine) and is known for being moody etc and that is why nothing has previously happened.

Recently I decided that we could just have a casual fling and it?d be fun and he rung me asking me out. My daughter had a sleepover and we went out. We had a fantastic night, got on great and then had the most amazing sex I?ve ever had! The following week we did it again and it was even better. I had in my mind (and told him) that this wasn?t a relationship or heading that way because of the drugs etc but just wanted to have fun. One thing that happened though was that he said that at some point in the past he had had sex with a friend of mine. I didn?t actually believe him because I just knew he wasn?t her type but let it go and didn?t say anything.

The following week he had an asthma attack and was in hospital and I visited him a couple of times and I started to feel I was getting more attached. We got on great. In the meantime I asked my friend and she completely denied it.

When he was out of hospital we met up again but this time he was really moody and weird with me. It turned out she had contacted him really annoyed obviously and he had said that he was ?testing me? to see if I was trustworthy and wouldn?t repeat things! He said the same to me and basically the evening was horrible, I wasted £20 on a babysitter for a terrible night. Both me and my friend didn?t believe that he had been testing me but that he had been caught out telling a lie and was embarrassed.

Since then he has apologised to her and to me 3 times by text but hasn?t suggested meeting up again but said that it was down to me to call him! To me, what he had said about her wasn?t ever a big deal, more the mood he was in that ruined the night. Anyway, last night I was with her and we bumped into him in the pub. He did talk to me but it was awkward and her and I moved away. She later went up to him and said that he should talk to me so he came over to me.

He asked if I was around this weekend and I?m not but I said I was able to meet up next Friday so hopefully we will.

But I feel this has become something it wasn?t supposed to and that I am stressing over a man that was supposed to be a casual fling, that I am hooked, that I don?t know how he feels about me etc all because of great sex?!

what should I do???

OP posts:

fruitshootsandheaves · 02/05/2009 22:34

sounds a bit complicated and if it was me I think I'd walk away TBH all that moodiness and the drug bit rings warning bells to me but then I have always been crap at dealing with men!

Another completely useless post from me

I'm sure some mumsnet relationship expert will soon be along with some well put words of wisdom

pottycock · 02/05/2009 22:36

All I can muster is :

Don't go there. Seriously.

Overmydeadbody · 02/05/2009 22:39

What should you do??

Run like the wind girl, run.

Do not waste your precious child-free time with this looser. it will only end in tears.

Original poster

cantworkthisout · 02/05/2009 22:41

the thing is - of course you're right but it is very lonely being a single parent and I don't go out often. Most of my friends don't even want to go out and I am completely sick of my own company.

The sex is so amazing that it is worth it just for that.

OP posts:

aseriouslyblondemoment · 02/05/2009 22:42

have to agree here
chalk it up to experience and move on

Original poster

cantworkthisout · 02/05/2009 22:44

I wish I could, he's got me drawn in in a big way.

OP posts:

BecauseIveSnuffedIt · 02/05/2009 22:44

If you can separate sex from emotional attachment, then continue to see him. But it sounds as if, from your posts, that this is very difficult for you.

On this basis, I would say that you should walk away.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 02/05/2009 22:47

ps. i post as a lp who rarely gets out and great sex aside i just wouldn't go there it just seems far too complicated in so many ways and will end up with you being hurt and badly

Overmydeadbody · 02/05/2009 22:48

Well next time you want a casual relationship (just sex) don't bloody well visit the guy in hospital!

I'd seriously recommend you don't have any more to do with this guy, join a few dating websites or just look on gumtree if you just want someone for regular casual sex. And then keep it to that. Don't do things together that don't involve sex unless you actually want to get emotionally involved and the guy is worth it. But I'd also recommend not even having casual sex with someone who doesn't respect you (like this guy doesn't respect you).

You're worth more than that.

Overmydeadbody · 02/05/2009 22:50

ps I too am a lp and know what it's like when you're missing se. But I'm talking form experience. Don't put yourself in situations that are likely to leave you feeling hurt or used or disrespected.

Original poster

cantworkthisout · 02/05/2009 22:50

I thought I could separate sex from emotional attachment because there is no way that he could be my boyfriend and I told him that on the first night because of his drug taking. I wouldn't try to or have any hope in trying to change him so it really was a premeditated fling.

I would be happy for it to continue that way but what has upset me is this wierd behaviour and I'd love to know what he thinks.

OP posts:

Original poster

cantworkthisout · 02/05/2009 22:51

the last night we went out, when he was really moody he didn't want to have sex.

OP posts:

Overmydeadbody · 02/05/2009 22:52

I'd say you are emotionally involved if you would 'love to know what he thinks'.

You need to be completely detached and indifferent to what he thinks to have a casual non emotional relationship. It sounds like you are getting too involved.

Overmydeadbody · 02/05/2009 22:53

Why waste your time hanging out with someone moody then? Serously, surround yourslef with people who enhance your life, not drain it.

Original poster

cantworkthisout · 02/05/2009 22:54

overmydeadbody - you're right. I wish I could be indifferent, I'm not really that kind of person but that said it would never go further - he wouldn't meet my friends, family, be a part of my life in any way unless he didn't do the drugs he does. Both of us know this so in this way I am uninvolved.

OP posts:

pottycock · 02/05/2009 22:54

You're already obsessing about him and his moods. This is only going to go one way OP.

I suggest you snap out of it and focus on the emotional wellbeing of your kids if you can't focus on your own - they will suffer if you get drawn into an unhealthy relationship with a guy like this.

Sorry if that seems harsh.

kittywise · 02/05/2009 22:56

No, back away, now, if not for you then for your daughter.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 02/05/2009 22:57

why are you wondering what he thinks if you're not looking for a relationship with him?
the weird behaviour is a reflection of his lifestyle and disregard for your feelings
to him it obv.is purely sex nothing more
if you can't separate the two like he can then you do need to knock this thing on the head as it's already obv.upsetting you

Overmydeadbody · 02/05/2009 22:57

Yeah but you are alread wasting your time, first by haning out with him when he's being moody and second by worrying and thinking and obsessing about it.

The best thing you can do is walk away now, while you still can. Don't see him again, don't contact him again. What would be the point.

Lots of guys are great at sex, why limit yourself to one moody coke snorter?

Life's too short, that's what I say. Move on.

Original poster

cantworkthisout · 02/05/2009 22:58

pottycock, I won't get drawn into a relationship with him really though as the opportunities to meet up with him are very rare (when my daughter has a sleepover about once a month!).

It was meant to be a bit of fun to stop complete celibacy with someone who is physically attractive and turned out to be great in bed.

OP posts:

pottycock · 02/05/2009 23:00

There will be shitloads of guys who fit those criteria and don't come with all the ishoos this guy does.

Honestly - don't do it to yourself!

Original poster

cantworkthisout · 02/05/2009 23:02

overmydeadbody I do know what you mean and I would think that too if I didn't lead my life! but I am stuck in the house and I don't want to always be on my own and the nights we spent together were so good.

In fact I was thinking of one more night, this friday, and then afterwards saying that it is over, that I don't want to get drawn in and that I would get hurt so it is over but having one more night of fun...

OP posts:

Overmydeadbody · 02/05/2009 23:07

So why are you worrying about him? I'll tell you how I keep casual sexual relationships from getting complicated, for future reference:

Keep them in a box. Only ever open that box to text to arrange meeting up and then to have great sex. Then put them back in the box and put the box in a dusty corner of your mind and do not think about them at all, under any circumstances, except to arrange another sexual meet-up and or think about the great sex.

Otherwise, you will get emotionally attached, you are human after all.

If you don't think you can do this you may be better off with a friend-with-benefits type arrangement, but again you need a certain amount of detachment to be able to pull this off for any length of time without one or both of you wanting more/less.

Sex is great, and regular sex is even better, but it's not worth it in the long run if you end up hurt or used or feeling worse off.

Original poster

cantworkthisout · 02/05/2009 23:08

I was actually seeing someone just before I met him but the spark wasn't there even though he was a lovely man. It's such a shame. Isn't there a way of making the whole 'sex buddies' thing work and if so how?

OP posts:

aseriouslyblondemoment · 02/05/2009 23:09

i don't really think that any of us can really say any more then

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