Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

unsuitable man problems...please help

87 replies

cantworkthisout · 02/05/2009 22:30

Can someone help me with this as I have myself into a mess with a man and don?t know what to do. Basically I have got involved with someone who is really bad for me and am really confused now.

I am a single parent, I hardly go out as my daughter doesn?t see her father much and I am really lonely. I would love to meet the right man but it is really difficult and I also miss sex very much. I am fed up with sitting on my own in the house and just want to have a bit of fun. My daughter is nearly 5 so it has been a long time now.

There?s a man who I know from a friend of mine and it is obvious that we have both always fancied each other but he is bad news, he takes a lot of drugs (cocaine) and is known for being moody etc and that is why nothing has previously happened.

Recently I decided that we could just have a casual fling and it?d be fun and he rung me asking me out. My daughter had a sleepover and we went out. We had a fantastic night, got on great and then had the most amazing sex I?ve ever had! The following week we did it again and it was even better. I had in my mind (and told him) that this wasn?t a relationship or heading that way because of the drugs etc but just wanted to have fun. One thing that happened though was that he said that at some point in the past he had had sex with a friend of mine. I didn?t actually believe him because I just knew he wasn?t her type but let it go and didn?t say anything.

The following week he had an asthma attack and was in hospital and I visited him a couple of times and I started to feel I was getting more attached. We got on great. In the meantime I asked my friend and she completely denied it.

When he was out of hospital we met up again but this time he was really moody and weird with me. It turned out she had contacted him really annoyed obviously and he had said that he was ?testing me? to see if I was trustworthy and wouldn?t repeat things! He said the same to me and basically the evening was horrible, I wasted £20 on a babysitter for a terrible night. Both me and my friend didn?t believe that he had been testing me but that he had been caught out telling a lie and was embarrassed.

Since then he has apologised to her and to me 3 times by text but hasn?t suggested meeting up again but said that it was down to me to call him! To me, what he had said about her wasn?t ever a big deal, more the mood he was in that ruined the night. Anyway, last night I was with her and we bumped into him in the pub. He did talk to me but it was awkward and her and I moved away. She later went up to him and said that he should talk to me so he came over to me.

He asked if I was around this weekend and I?m not but I said I was able to meet up next Friday so hopefully we will.

But I feel this has become something it wasn?t supposed to and that I am stressing over a man that was supposed to be a casual fling, that I am hooked, that I don?t know how he feels about me etc all because of great sex?!

what should I do???

OP posts:
Original poster
cantworkthisout · 02/05/2009 23:11

that is a great idea overmydeadbody and I shouldn't have visited him in hospital but I felt sorry for him. I am going to try not to think about him at all - and that is the way it was going apart from him ruining it all with his weird behaviour last week. He texted me all the time though so it was difficult to just switch off.

OP posts:
Overmydeadbody · 02/05/2009 23:11

Well, go ahead and have one more night of fun, but there is no need to actually tell him that after that it is over blah blah blah or explain it, part of being emotionally detached is not having to justify yourself to the other person. Just cut off contact, or keep it simple and vague, like if he tries to arrange another meet up just say you're calling it a day.

It is a tricky tihng. I know what it's like being alone night after night, but why stick with him? If there's one thing that's easy to find, it's men who are looking for casual no strings relationships. You can definately be choosy and still enjoy yourself.

onadietcokebreak · 02/05/2009 23:12

stay away form him, he sounds like bad news and you dont need someone like that taking time and energy away from you and your daughter

Overmydeadbody · 02/05/2009 23:13

Ignore his texts.

Don't feel sorry for men. I bet he wouldn't feel sorry for you.

Original poster
cantworkthisout · 02/05/2009 23:14

he sends me texts like 'I hope you're not in need of any hot sex from anyone else'!

I have to be more detached it's true and I just want to have some fun next friday but I wish he hadn't gone and spoilt things and yes I should go and try and find someone else.

OP posts:
Overmydeadbody · 02/05/2009 23:18

oh jeeez. Definately ignore the tets. In fact, why even waste your time with him next friday?

pottycock · 02/05/2009 23:19

God he really does sound a nob. Sorry, but he really does

Overmydeadbody · 02/05/2009 23:20

yes, nob is exactly the word I'd use

Original poster
cantworkthisout · 02/05/2009 23:22

he does when I put it like that! and he is - why claim my friend has slept with him when it wasn't true, then...say he said it 'to test me'! totally bizarre. more to the point why ruin something that was great...it was for both of us...

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 02/05/2009 23:25

basically because he's off his head and now he's playing with yours

Original poster
cantworkthisout · 02/05/2009 23:27

thankyou to all of you, you've made me feel better and reconfirming to me that this man is a waste of time. Thankyou especially Overmydeadbody for telling me how you compartmentilise things and I will try to do that in future and thought that is what I was doing.

One more night is what I will have...hope it's good.

OP posts:
Overmydeadbody · 02/05/2009 23:32

Glad we helped. Good luck and have fun, and remember that just becuase you're haaving a casual relationship doesn't mean you have to put up with nobs, lack of respect, rude, horrible or mean men, but you call the shots.

Think of it as a bit like the postman, he provides you with a valuable service but you wouldn't worry about what he thinks or feel sorry for him and visit him in hospital. You just want your post delivered. A reliable service, then you get on with the rest of your day that's all

mrsboogie · 03/05/2009 00:21

Yeah, you go on an have one more night of "fun". Six months' time you'll be coming on here posting "help me to get away from this man" and telling us how he has messed up your head and spent all his time on drugs and treats you like shit (although he's already started that, as you well know)

Wait until someone decent comes along for God's sake. You waited this long - why not wait for the decent guy who will make you happy??

SOLOisMeredithGrey · 03/05/2009 01:01

I threw Ds's dad out because I couldn't live with him, but kept seeing him because of the most fantastic sex(I've never found as good since)and fell pg with Ds. I didn't miss him, I missed the sex, but it was always a 'relationship' of mind games.

IMO You should get rid of him. There should be more to a relationship than sex and what happens when the sex goes off? you'll have nothing else.

It is lonely being a single parent, night after night, Dc in bed, you in front of the TV. I know it only too well, but it's not healthy doing what you are doing with this man and that's without mentioning the drugs.

oliviasmama · 03/05/2009 04:07

This has disaster written all over it. Get rid and sharpish!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/05/2009 08:41

cantworkitout,

"Bad boys" are just that - bad. Being lonely is one thing but you don't have to stick your hands in the flames by being involved with this man. You will only end up more hurt and sad. He is delaying you actually finding someone who will value and cherish you.

This says an awful lot about you as well in terms of your own self esteem and worth; you do not value yourself at all do you?. Great sex is one thing but what you're enmeshed in is ultimately meaningless and shallow and you're cheapening your own body and self. What if you god forbid became pregnant by him or caught a STD?. Apart from the sex there's absolutely nothing else going for this is there?. He thinks nothing of you.

Reassess your life now, take a look around and make some defined changes to it. You owe that to your DD as much as your own self. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents - what were you taught?. You need to think about that at some length.

There are organisations like Gingerbread designed to help lone parents; contact them. Do something you've never done before. Get out there and widen your own horizons!. Look at the lone parents forum on these pages. You only get one shot at this life, make the most of it.

HavetoBleachMyEyes · 03/05/2009 08:51

Agree with MrsBoogies scenario. He has very quickly drawn you in, you are caught, he is messing with your head already, you are wondering why he was moody but you want one more night. Believe me, it is not worth it, it will be just one more night and another. You have a chance to moved on, take it.

spicemonster · 03/05/2009 09:20

I also agree with MrsBoogie. You're already making excuses for him - read your posts. I'm also an LP so I do understand but I don't think it sounds like you're in the right emotional place to have a fuck buddy. I don't think that's what you want so it was always bound to get complicated.

Walk away and make efforts to find a boyfriend - that's what you're looking for. Don't compromise.

HolyGuacamole · 03/05/2009 17:30

If you're wondering what he is thinking, visiting him in hospital and writing a thread asking advice, the you're more involved than you probably want to admit to yourself.

If it really was strictly casual and 'just' sex, you'd have walked away by now because it is getting complicated and venturing into emotional territory, getting your friends involved etc etc. It wouldn't get to the point where you were on the receiving end of his moods.

Walk away. He is trouble.

I've a feeling you won't though. I think he has caught your attention. Just know what you are getting into with this man, he could easily cause you lots of grief.

Kally · 03/05/2009 18:45

It's the age old mistake...

Don't even think of going there, he'll upset all the stability you have now and get your head in a big whirl wind of emotions by playing head games with you.

As for just wanting a fling... naaaa... not with this type. You're already too involved, a fling is a fling, and doesn't concern going to the hospital and acting all caring for him.

After a long spell of being lonely and by yourself, you are vulnerable and in 'need'. I went through the same thing after my divorce and went for the wrong guy for all sorts of reasons. Looking back I wish I had got away before he began filling up my thought space - but at the time I couldn't see that. He'll give yu heart break and you'll make all sorts of sacrifices to accomodate his whims and before you know it you're in deep shit. He's on drugs for goodness sake. He'll never have any money, he'll always prioritise things around his drugs and you'll be continually asking yourself 'how can I change this man'...

Go and have a good time, but not with this coke head of a looser who already has thrown a cat in amongst the pidgeons with his 'shagging your friend' stunt. Run from it whilst you are a little bit ahead. And don't look back.

Original poster
cantworkthisout · 03/05/2009 21:55

you are all right of course and he hasn't been in touch since I saw him on Friday so I guess that says it all

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 03/05/2009 22:10

not posting to say told you so
but please be strong and resist the urge to contact him or to reply when and if he does contact you
i do know it's crap i really do but believe me you will get thru this

Original poster
cantworkthisout · 03/05/2009 22:14

well I still want to see him on friday so I probably will reply if he does contact me!

OP posts:
jellyjelly · 04/05/2009 09:43

for the sake of your child which must come first walk away, walk away, walk away. even from the casual thing.

I am a single parent and i know how hard it is and how desperate you can feel for time on your own, attention and how it makes you feel but you already know the warning signs the drugs, the lying who knows what else.

Hold you head up high, change your number if necessary but just walk

unavailable · 04/05/2009 10:08

The overwhelming consensus of opinion here (that you asked for) is that you should dump him pronto. You are still intent on seeing him "one more time". I'm not sure why you posted really.

On a practical note, if he is a regular drug user, you need to be more than usually careful about safe sex. He is at high risk of blood born viruses (its not only drug users who use needles that are at higher risk of hepatitis or HIV.)

Swipe left for the next trending thread