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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

unsuitable man problems...please help

87 replies

cantworkthisout · 02/05/2009 22:30

Can someone help me with this as I have myself into a mess with a man and don?t know what to do. Basically I have got involved with someone who is really bad for me and am really confused now.

I am a single parent, I hardly go out as my daughter doesn?t see her father much and I am really lonely. I would love to meet the right man but it is really difficult and I also miss sex very much. I am fed up with sitting on my own in the house and just want to have a bit of fun. My daughter is nearly 5 so it has been a long time now.

There?s a man who I know from a friend of mine and it is obvious that we have both always fancied each other but he is bad news, he takes a lot of drugs (cocaine) and is known for being moody etc and that is why nothing has previously happened.

Recently I decided that we could just have a casual fling and it?d be fun and he rung me asking me out. My daughter had a sleepover and we went out. We had a fantastic night, got on great and then had the most amazing sex I?ve ever had! The following week we did it again and it was even better. I had in my mind (and told him) that this wasn?t a relationship or heading that way because of the drugs etc but just wanted to have fun. One thing that happened though was that he said that at some point in the past he had had sex with a friend of mine. I didn?t actually believe him because I just knew he wasn?t her type but let it go and didn?t say anything.

The following week he had an asthma attack and was in hospital and I visited him a couple of times and I started to feel I was getting more attached. We got on great. In the meantime I asked my friend and she completely denied it.

When he was out of hospital we met up again but this time he was really moody and weird with me. It turned out she had contacted him really annoyed obviously and he had said that he was ?testing me? to see if I was trustworthy and wouldn?t repeat things! He said the same to me and basically the evening was horrible, I wasted £20 on a babysitter for a terrible night. Both me and my friend didn?t believe that he had been testing me but that he had been caught out telling a lie and was embarrassed.

Since then he has apologised to her and to me 3 times by text but hasn?t suggested meeting up again but said that it was down to me to call him! To me, what he had said about her wasn?t ever a big deal, more the mood he was in that ruined the night. Anyway, last night I was with her and we bumped into him in the pub. He did talk to me but it was awkward and her and I moved away. She later went up to him and said that he should talk to me so he came over to me.

He asked if I was around this weekend and I?m not but I said I was able to meet up next Friday so hopefully we will.

But I feel this has become something it wasn?t supposed to and that I am stressing over a man that was supposed to be a casual fling, that I am hooked, that I don?t know how he feels about me etc all because of great sex?!

what should I do???

OP posts:
onadietcokebreak · 04/05/2009 11:31

Sorry but as a fellow lone parent Im finding it really hard to understand why you would be prepared to risk yourself and your daughter but allowing a man who is on drugs and clearly no good into your life.

You may not see him while your daughter is around but by waiting for him to text,thinking about him etc he is taking time and energy away from your time with your daughter. Before you know it he will be turning up high on drugs and begging to be let in, which you will do so as not to wake your daughter

Why dont you just concerntate your efforts on being making yourself happy and waiting for a dececent guy. If you think this guy is okay for one last time you need to look at your own respect for yourself.

poshsinglemum · 04/05/2009 12:17

Men + Drugs= DISASTOUR.
Run away fast. Even the best sex wouldn't be worth it. You don't want to be single forever right? Then step away from him and find a decent man who is capable of commitment and you will enjoy yeras of good sex.

Says posh the dating guru

kittywise · 04/05/2009 16:57

he'll also be shagging around, you know that don't you?

Snorbs · 04/05/2009 18:07

OP, I suspect you don't know much about drug addictions. If he does coke "a lot", he's more likely than not addicted to it. He'll be doing a lot more of it than you are aware. Coke also makes people arrogant, self-centered and prone to sudden mood swings. Not the kind of person you want around a child.

Coke is expensive so, unless he's got a very good job, he'll be looking to save money elsewhere - in other words, he's a cock-lodger in waiting. The less money he has to spend on paying for housing himself, the more he'll have for coke (where's he living at the moment, incidentally?) Coke addicts will steal off anyone to fund their habit.

The mind-games he's already played are bordering on sociopathic. You get that from drug addicts and narcissists - he's seeing what you'll put up with and finding out how to lie convincingly to you. Expect to see a lot more of that crap.

It may have been great sex, but that great sex will have been drug-fuelled. A lot of habitual coke users know the effects it has on their sexual prowess and so end up not wanting to have sex unless they're coked up. Do you really want to be with someone who can't imagine having sex with you unless they're whizzing their tits off?

Any relationship you have with him (and I agree with the sentiments here that you seem much too involved for it to just be about the sex) will be a slow-motion car crash.

Don't you deserve better than this?

onadietcokebreak · 04/05/2009 20:24

Excellent post Snorbs.

Original poster
cantworkthisout · 10/05/2009 20:47

Overmydeadbody - I have a question for you; things are going better between me and him. I had a really nice evening with him on Friday (I know you all advised me against it).

Overmydeadbody you said;
'Keep them in a box. Only ever open that box to text to arrange meeting up and then to have great sex. Then put them back in the box and put the box in a dusty corner of your mind and do not think about them at all, under any circumstances, except to arrange another sexual meet-up and or think about the great sex.

Otherwise, you will get emotionally attached, you are human after all.

If you don't think you can do this you may be better off with a friend-with-benefits type arrangement, but again you need a certain amount of detachment to be able to pull this off for any length of time without one or both of you wanting more/less.'

That is exactly what I want and I have explained to him that I couldn't have a relationship with him but now he is contacting me loads to say he is missing me etc and I don't know what to say back? How do you explain that it is casual to someone when you have already tried?

OP posts:
Original poster
cantworkthisout · 10/05/2009 20:57

.

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 10/05/2009 21:07

did you not read snorbs post?

he is doing all that in order to get you emotionally involved becasue he has marked you down as a sucker and someone he can use and take advantage of.

You can explain its casual all you like - he already knows it is - he is just working on making you realise its actually something more than that because he needs to use you for stuff.

Original poster
cantworkthisout · 10/05/2009 21:14

mrsboogie, I don't think you're right. I think he does want a relationship. The thing is I don't and need to make it clear.

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 10/05/2009 21:24

well that's easy then. Just don't see him again. Have a casual relationship with someone else. You met him you can meet someone who doesn't snort all their money up their nose or tell weird lies to "test" you.

Really, you don't know where he's been and you wouldn't know what he's doing when you are not there. Why would you let that into your bed?.

Original poster
cantworkthisout · 10/05/2009 21:27

no, I do want to see him again! I just want it to be casual, and want advice from overmydeadbody on how to phrase that or not give the wrong impression.

OP posts:
Colinfirth · 10/05/2009 21:36

If he wants something else, you can't ahve the casual relationsghip with him you are after. It's not that complicated.

Idranktheeasterspirits · 10/05/2009 21:40

you want advice from OMDB because you think she agrees with you.You haven't bothered commenting on Snorbs excellent post because you don't like hearing the unpalatable truth. People who take drugs on a regular basis take risks on a regular basis.
It's highly likely that he has had a lot of unprotected sex, you need to look after your sexual health if nothing else.

If you don't want to give him the wrong impression then don't see him again. A coked up bloke with a hardon is never going to be rational.

Original poster
cantworkthisout · 10/05/2009 21:45

no, I haven't commented on snorbs post because I don't agree with her but I can see why she said it. He has got a good job and can afford it. I do actually know quite alot about drug addictions.

I totally agree that he isn't somebody I would want for a relationship and he may well be playing games although I don't think so anymore.

OP posts:
hobbgoblin · 10/05/2009 21:51

Everything you first thought about him was right. He has even proved this to you in being a maniupaltive twonk who wants you running after him.

Now, you're just ignoring your instinct because he has you hooked.

Original poster
cantworkthisout · 10/05/2009 21:55

I don't know maybe you're right but I don't think so. I don't think he is being manipulative at the moment. I think there was a bizarre incident in which he got caught out lying and was humiliated by it.

Now I think he wants something more, but more than I can give him.

OP posts:
hobbgoblin · 10/05/2009 21:58

'Testing' you.

That isn't normal, trusting relationship stuff. Anyone can feign remorse and guilt.

Oh please believe me!

hobbgoblin · 10/05/2009 22:00

But let's just say you're right and I'm wrong. You know him afterall...you just said he wants something you don't/can't give. Where is this going then?

If you are not careful you will both be feeding off one another's ego for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

boudoiricca · 10/05/2009 22:03

If he really wants more than you can give him, then the best thing to do is walk away for his sake.

If he's just after sex, but you are as emotionally attached as you have described (hospital visit etc), best to walk away for your own sake.

If he's a proven lying, manipulative drug addict CLEARLY best to just walk away for you and your dd.

Please think about the excellent advice people are giving you here - re-read your OP and imagine it was written by your best friend. For your sake, and that of your dd, just walk away from this man and save your time and energy for someone more deserving.

Original poster
cantworkthisout · 10/05/2009 22:03

yes, it is a strange thing between us and I admit I am confused by it. I just want a bit of fun really and that's all I ever did want with him.

I don't want to get involved and I want to keep it casual - that's all.

OP posts:
Original poster
cantworkthisout · 10/05/2009 22:06

I think he wants more than I can give him. At one point (when I visited him in hospital) I was getting more emotionally attached and I can see that now. But something changed in me when he went all weird and I want it to be as I originally intended!

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 10/05/2009 22:11

ehm. he went all weird. how many warnings do you need?

hobbgoblin · 10/05/2009 22:11

So, you play hard to get. He does the same til he detects the change in you (that's when you visited him in hospital) then he makes like you both have a thang going...just enough to stop you in your tracks...but the ball is in your court - he isn't begging you for a date, he is biding his time til you call HIM, maybe hoping you feel a teeny bid bad about doubting him over the friend shagging business. You cave in, he responds then withdraws....and so on...

If he wants you he wants you and he'll let you know. No tests, no waiting for the next move from you. And after all that, you don't want him...apparently!

You're right, you don't want him. You just want him to want you. Then you're sucked in.

pottycock · 10/05/2009 22:12

STEP. AWAY. FROM. THE. MANIPULATIVE. DRUG. ADDICT.

C'mon woman, we established he's a nob way back....as soon as he thinks he's got you hooked he'll mess with your head. In fact he's not doing badly in that respect already! I'm also someone who has learned the hard way......don't do it to yourself, seriously.

boudoiricca · 10/05/2009 22:18

Sorry, but I don't believe that you don't want more from him.

Deep down, I think you know it yourself.

I don't understand why you're so busy with your fingers in your ears saying "la la la I can't hear you" to what everyone on here is saying to you.

If you insist on not listening and going ahead with this I do know you're going to end up full of regrets.