Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I really do have an enemy

33 replies

hellish · 01/05/2009 03:07

Posted around New Year, basically DH had been seeing a friend of mine - 'had a real connection, very attracted etc etc"", same old story.
Anyway, we are still together, and things are going well for us, he is trying really hard to make this the kind of relationship we both want.

Problem is I cannot stop obsessing over her-I have never confronted her in any way. I see her fairly regularly at dd's swimming. So far I have just blanked her and not even looked at her. But it's driving me crazy, I spend so much time, thinking about what I should/ could say to her. Reliving the times she was with me, being all friendly whilst seeing my husband behind my back.

Next week DDs have an Arts Festival school thing, and I've just realised I'll have to tell DH he can't go. I can't deal with the idea of the two of them in the same room.

Any ideas on how to get her out of my head?

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 01/05/2009 03:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jabberwocky · 01/05/2009 03:45

I'm so sorry I think it's reasonable not to want your dh to go and he should understand that. It's going to take him a while to earn your trust back.

Does she know that you know? I can't imagine having to see her regularly. Is there any way you can change things so that doesn't have to happen? It's just sooo not fair to you.

As far as how to stop obsessing, have you thought about seeing a counsellor - either with or without your dh?

blinks · 01/05/2009 14:19

i would echo the counsellor idea.

i think you already know you're doing the right thing by blanking her but it doesn't mean your outer dignity will come easily...

i think you should go to the arts thing together. she should be squirming, not you so be brave, look fabulous and (fake) laugh alot.

screamingabdab · 01/05/2009 15:02

hellish you are doing so well. I hope given the circumstances I would have half the dignity you have.

Great advice MadamDeathstare

Original poster
hellish · 01/05/2009 23:32

Thank you all so much for your replies, it really means a lot. I half expected people to tell me to get over it and stop being stupid.

MadamDeathStare- I feel exactly like that too- I feel like I must not be worth much if they could treat me like that. I don't think I have ever felt so bad about myself before. I have talked to DH about it and he tries to help by saying "but you haven't done anything wrong."

I think I will try your idea of forcing myself to think about something specific everytime she pops into my head.

Blinks- I have considered the idea of us all going, but I just don't think I could handle the idea of him seeing her and thinking how attractive she is etc. I suppose I am just not confident enough in myself or our relationship at the moment.

The swimming thing is a nightmare, she actually changed her kids to the same day/ time as mine a few weeks ago! I tried to change the days but couldn't.

OP posts:
ConcernedAnd · 01/05/2009 23:36

I'm so sorry for your situation - is your DH prepared to see a counsellor? Do something constructive other than telling you it's not your fault? (which it isn't of course)

With the changing swimming days thing she does start to sound like a bunny boiler... When you can find pity for her you'll know you're through the worst...

Original poster
hellish · 01/05/2009 23:41

Ha ha Concerned, you made me laugh because Bunny Boiler is exactly what her number is listed under on my phone

I think she is either- so unconcerned about me and what she's done that she didn't even think about the swimming and it was just more convenient on those days for her.

Or, she wants to stir things up

OP posts:
KiwiKat · 01/05/2009 23:50

Remember that your partner chose to stay with you instead of her, so you won that round. The best revenge is to be happy in your own life, and distantly polite to her. She's not worth wasting any further energy on - consider her insignificant and unworthy of your attention. (That said, I'd want to smack her hard, if it were me, so I very much admire how mature you've been about the situation so far.)

Joolyjoolyjoo · 01/05/2009 23:52

D'you know, I would focus on the fact that she has ended up without your DH, and that he chose you and your dc over her- that way you can afford to be magnamanious, IYSWIM? Can you try to feel sorry for her? That way, she ceases to have any power over you. I do sympathise, and I can understand that your feelings are a bit raw, but she is only as important as you allow her to be in this situation. Hold your head high and ignore- you've done nothing wrong!

ConcernedAnd · 01/05/2009 23:52

Whichever - she's a bitch! And therefore deserving of pity, because people who aren't fully paid-up human beings will just never be able to enjoy as much of life as those of us who see the point of other people's feelings and worries... But still a bitch.

Did your DH ever say what he saw in her?

Original poster
hellish · 02/05/2009 00:21

Thanks, it's hard to feel sorry for her, she's still with her DH (although he knows too). She's very attractive, sporty, intelligent, outgoing etc. so it is hard to feel sorry for her.

I think you are right though Concerned,I'm sure her life must be a little meaningless if she cares so little for her own family, let alone mine.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 02/05/2009 00:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
hellish · 02/05/2009 00:48

Thanks Shineon, DD is in swimming club and very keen, but there are only 3 weeks left. Then it finishes for the summer. In September I am going to make sure ( don't know quite how yet) that my dd is not on the same day as hers.

We are also moving house - she lives just down the road

OP posts:
bigted · 02/05/2009 00:50

I am curious as to why you are finding it hard to get HER part in whatever happened out of your mind.
You seem to have moved on from it all regards your husband's part ( WELL DONE!). How did you acheive that?

Can you use the same technique with the OW? Does that make sense? Your husband is the one who made promises to be faithful to you , so he is the one who REALLY betrayed you, and it is more of a big deal to get over him doing whatever he did. Is she not minor, in your thoughts in comparison?

bigted · 02/05/2009 00:52

great advice from madamedeathstare

Original poster
hellish · 02/05/2009 00:56

Bigoted - that is a question I have asked myself a lot. Why is it that I cán't stand to look at her yet I can live with him?

Well, he and I have done a lot of talking, he is seeing a counsellor to deal with detachment issues. He has said sorry, lots of times.

She hasn't said sorrý. I think that perhaps the fact that I can't get over what she did is that I haven't let myself tell her what I think. I have told DH in no uncertain terms what I think about it all.

There's no history between me and this woman, she was someone I thought was a lovely new friend. I understand that people can be bored with their partners and feel attracted to people they shouldn't. BUT the fact that she chatted with me, many times, came to my party on Christmas Eve, spent evenings together as couples while it was going on- it what I find so hard to live with.

OP posts:
bigted · 02/05/2009 00:57

I just had a thought, may be tosh and if so tell me.
Are you focussing your angst about it all on her because in reality you have NOT forgiven your dh? Like, is it easier to demonise the OW that to really thrash things out with your dh?

Ps the first time I wrote that I wrote "thrash thongs out ..."

bigted · 02/05/2009 01:00

LAST post crossed!
Hmm. I can see why you are thinking this way,it is as if you have indeed thrashed it out with him, but not her.

I wish I had wise words, but I suppose the nature of these things is that there is never a true resolution

bigted · 02/05/2009 01:03

Would it help to think of it as it is up to your dh to apologise and make it up to YOU and YOUR family, and it is up to her to make it up to HER husband and HER family?

In a sense she is of no consequence to you? She has to answer to her family, and your dh to his.

Is this helping at all?

thumbwitch · 02/05/2009 01:12

hellish, she might have an attractive exterior but she isn't an attractive person at all - she betrayed her own DH, and your burgeoning friendship for her own selfish ends.

Your DH has chosen the better (and the right) person to stay with; you have to think that he now knows the difference between externally attractive appearances and truly valuable people. Do you not trust him to keep to this at the exhibition? If you think one sight of her will be enough for him to be off like a panting dog after her again then your marriage is still in a pretty sorry state - yet he is working hard, you say, on making your marriage the sort of relationship you both want, so he isn't very likely to scupper it all for this cow again, is he?

There really isn't anything you could say to this woman that would help in any way at all - cool civility is the only way forward with dignity.

Original poster
hellish · 02/05/2009 01:16

Thanks Bigted (I was reading your name as bigoted), it is helping, and I know you are right. She isn't all that important to me and never was.
I read here on a thread that "Indifference makes everything it touches meaningless" and that is how I try to see her.

I don't think I have forgiven DH - will I ever?

OP posts:
bigted · 02/05/2009 01:20

I second Thimbwitch's cool civility.

AND I LIKE YOUR indifference quote.

Also repeat in your head every time you see her / think of her , "you are of no consequence to me"

hmm. Forgiving dh. That really is the crux, isn't it?

thumbwitch · 02/05/2009 01:23

forgiving your DH is probably going to be very dependent on his behaviour - if he continues to try and regain your trust and doesn't bugger it up again, then in time you will come to trust him again and when you do, you will probably forgive him as well.

You do, at some stage, have to put that to the test for your own sake - it might be too soon for you to allow him in the same room as the OW, but at some point you have to see them in the same area to be sure that his reaction is all you could hope for - i.e. complete indifference to her. That will help lay to rest your thoughts on comparisons between you and her.

bigted · 02/05/2009 01:37

what is the history of your relationship with your husband?
Did the affair come like a bolt from the blue ? Were you happy together with a good / balanced (both getting what you wanted) sex life?

Often affairs happen because there are problems in the existing relationship.

The affair gets discovered.

All the energy then gets poured into recovering from the affair. the preexisting problems get sidelined and the wronged partner "holds all the cards" when in fact there may have been precipitating factors on BOTH sides which led to the affair (NOT to excuse affairs at all)

I know this is not what you asked about and forgive me if I have spoken out of turn. I say all this because it shows untangling things after an affair are not just about the affair.

bigted · 02/05/2009 01:40

and I mean in your case perhaps you are obsessing about the OW because it diverts attention from the REAL problem. IE your relationship pre affair.

And how the hell your dh thought having an affair was a smart way of dealing with them.