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Original poster

I really do have an enemy

33 replies

hellish · 01/05/2009 03:07

Posted around New Year, basically DH had been seeing a friend of mine - 'had a real connection, very attracted etc etc"", same old story.
Anyway, we are still together, and things are going well for us, he is trying really hard to make this the kind of relationship we both want.

Problem is I cannot stop obsessing over her-I have never confronted her in any way. I see her fairly regularly at dd's swimming. So far I have just blanked her and not even looked at her. But it's driving me crazy, I spend so much time, thinking about what I should/ could say to her. Reliving the times she was with me, being all friendly whilst seeing my husband behind my back.

Next week DDs have an Arts Festival school thing, and I've just realised I'll have to tell DH he can't go. I can't deal with the idea of the two of them in the same room.

Any ideas on how to get her out of my head?

OP posts:
Original poster
hellish · 02/05/2009 02:26

Our relationship was not perfect before. We have split once before and lived apart for almost a year.

Before I found out about the affair, I thought things were okay, possible going through a low patch, but tbh I put that down to the work pressures that dh was going through.

He, on the other hand, has since told me that he was desparately unhappy with our relationship, felt that we were totally disconnected and that there was no hope of recovering things.
He is now seeing a counsellor about his problems in forming attachments, which he thinks is the cause of the problem.

We are both trying hard to make our relationship different, more honest, and more meaningful than before.

OP posts:
JodieO · 02/05/2009 02:42

I would blame him more than her, he was the one that vowed he would stay true to you, not her. If there is anyone you should be annoyed at it's him. Seems like you're divertign your anger to the wrong person.

MadamDeathstare · 02/05/2009 03:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenofSpleen · 02/05/2009 11:29

Hellish, 15 years later and I still hate her.
I don't think about her, I don't talk about her, But I hate her.
One thing though. As much as you hate her, I should imagine you love your dd more. And she would love to have her dad at her festival ... put your dd first.

bigted · 03/05/2009 04:01

hellish you (and your dh) sound very sensible. It really sounds like you are both doing your best to sort things out.

What were the issues that led to the split last time?

Are they being resolved?

I am curious as to the counseling about not being good at forming attachments. Do you know what is said at these sessions? What are the signs of such a thing? Is there a "cure"?

bigted · 03/05/2009 04:01

hellish you (and your dh) sound very sensible. It really sounds like you are both doing your best to sort things out.

What were the issues that led to the split last time?

Are they being resolved?

I am curious as to the counseling about not being good at forming attachments. Do you know what is said at these sessions? What are the signs of such a thing? Is there a "cure"?

Original poster
hellish · 04/05/2009 02:13

Thanks bigted. It seems like such a long time ago (4years). I think basically that our relationship was not strong enough to survive having children. I was a SAHM and (I will admit) totally focused on the children. His reaction was to withdraw. I think he felt very neglected and not included, as I think many men feel when their kids are small.

The counselling he's having has really helped him to see how he has always had problems in relationships (possibly due to childhood issues). I would love to know more about the sessions but he doesn't really tell me much.

Anyway, he is taking it very seriously and is very committed to making it work. Recently though I have been feeling so down about myself, I've been wandering if I can really do it.

You ladies have helped me feel much more positive this week. I am trying your technique Ladydeathstare.
Thanks.

OP posts:
bigted · 04/05/2009 09:44

keep up the positivity.It is something I struggle with.

You said "I think basicially our relationship was not strong enough to survive having children"

I think you have hit the nail on the head as to why so many people struggle in relationships.( I include myself in this)

And then BECAUSE you have children you are obliged(up to a point) to stay together for their sake

Then there is all that modern stuff about expecting romance and "the spark" and a soulmate. I am not sure how realistic that all is(actually I am sure. I think it is bollocks) but it is such a pervasive notion that if you you dont have that it is easy to be seduced by its promise elsewhere.

From what you say your dh seems to have grown up a bit over all this and is working to make things better for the family.

Best of luck with however it works out

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