Partner has issues with how attractive he finds me (i.e. not enough). Is there any way the relationship can work?

[honeydews]

We have been separated for a while now, but have been trying to work through some of our problems, to see if we can keep our family together. (We'd been together since our late teens, and are now in our early thirties with a young son.) This post concerns a particular stumbling block.

When we got together, I was quite a laugh and interesting to be with, but I didn't look great. I covered myself from head to toe in baggy, figure-hiding clothes - I was a bit of an ugly duckling as a teen.

However, I've come out of myself, appearance-wise, over the years - have worked out which colours and clothes shapes suits me, and what a tiny bit of make-up can do - and have been surprised to turn a few heads. I have 'unusual' features, I realise that - some people would think me a bit weird-looking, others striking. I'm not a grooming, girly girl nor especially frumpy, but I now believe (hope) I'm at least averagely attractive.

The problem is, it's not enough for DS's dad. He remembers me in our teens and can't seem to perceive me any differently. He has said that, of all our female friends, he'd rather be with me looks-wise, but that he isn't attracted enough, enough of the time. He likes fancy underwear, dressing up, uncomfortably tight jeans, more make-up, overly trimmed bits - all of which I do every now and then, but really, I'm a bit more 'everyday' than that; about halfway between his very glamorous mum and my couldn't-give-hoot-what-she-looks-like mum. I'm not a frump, but I don't glam up more than feels comfortable, and I don't want to be a sex object/accessory either.

I tend to swing between feeling hurt and as though I must be a bit of a minger, and thinking he has unrealistically high standards and that it's his problem.

Argh - I'm rambling. This has come up several times before, and I think I have become a bit obsessed about it as a result - sorry. Anyway, do you think this is something that can be worked through? I think it's important that, whoever I'm with, providing I'm making a reasonable, realistic effort, is happy with how I look most of the time - and I'm wondering if this is simply something a partner can't train themselves to feel.

Ok, I'm leaving this thread as I have to go to work - liberated woman that I am - and do you know I'll be straightening my hair and putting on some make up and, gasp, ironing my clothes before I go - wow: lazy, lazy, lazy me.

BonsoirAnna, you talk out of your (no doubt perfectly toned, exfoliated and peachy) arse.

Good luck OP, yes, it does sound pathetic explaining it that way to your DS. However, the wider picture is that your partner has drained your self confidence so much that it just doesn't seem like a sound basis for a mutually loving and supportive partnership.

And BonsoirAnna, perhaps your advice would be better received on a style and beauty thread, rather than doled out insensitively as relationship tips? It does seem to lack depth or understanding, tbh. Just a suggestion.

My maternal grandparents looked good and made a huge effort with their appearance until they died (in their 80s). They were one of the happiest and most contented, loving couples I have ever come across and were highly aware that they needed to please one another in multiple way...

IMO, the only say a man should get is if he is worried that you aren't looking after yourself properly.

Such as, in my case during morning sickness and SPD... not shaving my legs for some months and not brushing my hair for a couple of days. He was actually worried!

OP, you sound like you should be a confident woman, pleased with your appearance and proud of how you look, which you sound like you have every right to. Your man may well be threatened by that confidence, attractiveness and charisma... not your problem.

How would he cope if you were dressed like a sex kitten out and about with him? Gut instinct tells me he'd me more intimidated rather than proud, and find something else to knock you for... no doubt the old "you look like a whore" chestnut.

The OP does care how attractive she is and does make an effort, why can't you see this?

Her DH doesn't make any effort.

Why then should she pour herself into clothes that she doesn't want to wear just to appease a man who wants to control her whilst doing sod all about his appearance?

Am now taking my lazy ass on a run as am getting a tad annoyed with Anna's constant avoidance of the facts.

I should probably have a shower & get changed out of my milk & sick stained dressing gown before DH gets home, then. I don't want to be given my marching orders because I'm too busy with our baby to make myself presentable

i have only read the op - but my feeling is to think that you think that you are more than ok in the looks department now.

i think that he thrived off the obvious insecurities that must have come with being an ugly teenager.

i think he is trying to recreate these insecurities to make himself feel better
and i think hes a shit

now i read the last post - and saw annas post - and i know this is going the way of so many other threads like this - where we argue whether looks matter.

but in this situation - You actually think you look good - but for him - its not enough.

i think its shit all to do with looks and all to do with power.

fuck him of he's a knob

Anna, you're insane. You have a point, a not totally invalid one i suppose, and you have stretched it like chewing gum to the point where it snaps, and isn't a single coherent argument any more.

To the OP - quite simply isn't sharing whatever you choose to share in a relationship about sharing, equality, sometimes being the person the other can't be, stuff like that, rather than trying to look like you did when you first met?

Sorry, i have strong feelings about this, which makes it hard to be clear and coherent, but your other half is being a bit daft, and possibly making excuses. Talk to him, as in listen to him, but make him listen too.

OK, making an effort to look nice for your partner is really a nice thing to do. It shows that you want them to think "phwoar' when thy look at you and there is nothing wrong with that.

However, OPs husband IMO is being very cruel. If OP has made major efforts to be happy with the way she looks and to feel good in her own skin, then the DH should be over the moon, complimented and delighted about that and not banging on about being a teenager years ago.

He sounds like a twat. Honeydews in this case, I'd say that you have made enough effort and that he should not be putting you down. This is his problem.

Well done you for doing things that make you feel happier as a person If he doesn't appreciate it, kick him to the kerb, you sound like a fantastic person

< applauds Custy >

< shakes pom-poms >

"I think it is cruel and patronising to women to pretend for the sake of their own feelings that their DHs shouldn't care about how attractive they are. It's a gross form of collective denial and totally hopeless as a strategy for happines... "

I do SORT OF agree with that. But for me it's more about self-confidence and that aura you exude when you're pleased with yourself and your appearance, whatever that may be. For one woman it is full slap and magazine-inspired clothes. For me it's hair down, jeans and a bit of lip gloss!

Men do tend to be more visually-orientated than women, but that can't be an EXCUSE for bad behaviour, manipulation or a refusal to grow as a relationship progresses.

agree with custy, he's the one with all the insecurity.

you are the one who is blooming.

I suppose it's worth gussying yourself up every day if your husband does too, you used to and have stopped but would really feel more comfortable doing so.......but why would you want to, if that's not who you are? Your (general 'your' here) DH should love and fancy you in all your naked glory and just find it an added bonus if you feel like putting on some slap etc occasionally.Appearance isn't the be-all and end-all for a lot of people, thank God.I have to say, I wouldn't even consider getting back with a pillock man who would say such hurtful, confidence-eroding things. Making an effort for your partner works both ways, and in far more important ways than how you look or what clothes and products you wear on your body.

but OP doesn't ignore him, she has been trying,and succeeding.

Gah. Who pinched my paragraphs?

Ladies, let's remember that Anna is living in a country whose entire film industry is built around the premise that nubile, gorgeous young women spend their whole lives titivating themselves to attract fat, bald, middle aged men. It's not her fault she hasn't the imagination to overcome it.

OP you will never win with this man. If he can't love you as you are then you would be better off leaving him and finding yourself a man who does. If you decide to make changes to yourself at least do it from an equal starting point - ie he has to lose 2 stone and dress decently. Then decide what he has to do next.

And i think its cruel and patronising to call someone youve never met lazy really.

Some women might enjoy ,or HAVE to dress up like a tart to keep their man interested, especially if their personality is so dull that its all based on apearances. I cant think of anything sadder.

Ignore this nonsense op .

I think my ex thought there was an array of women out there willing to potter round in stockings all day soley to be his little sex object and please him. i jokingly wished him well , but it seems there actually ARE women out there who share his beleifs.

But is it possible that what the OP sees as snough effort actually may not be that much effort at all? I am going to put my head above the parapet (admittedly after a name change) and say that I agree with BonsoirAnna's sentiments, even if not exactly how everything has been phrased. When I moved to the other end of the country after getting married and struggled to make friends it took my dh to gently point out to me that the standards I had been used to where I had lived and amongst my friends were no longer enough in our new area. I was pretty resentful of having to make more effort just to please others but once I did I realised that it made me happier too, because I could fit in better. It was a side benefit that my dh really liked and appreciated the improvements too.

Although the Stepford Wives I thought I wanted to befriend still didn't let me into their clique, it did give me the self confidence to approach other people and I now have a great set of friends. I think that my dh had thought for a time that I should try harder but had not found a good way to put it to me. It is so easy to get into a rut and be on the "fine but not great" scale but without realising to be at the bottom of that scale.

OP - why not just see if there are small extra changes that you could make that might make you feel better still and that would also please your dh? After all, you might enjoy it and if you don't you can always go back to what you are doing now? And you aren't doing this just for him, it is also to see how comfortable you would feel at this different (not higher) standard.

Anna, I assume from your rather smug posts that you are a good looking woman, and you have married a man to whom this is very important. Fortunate, as this would seem to be your singular attribute.

Your posts also seem to be screaming out for attention... perhaps you're a little insecure?

I don't for one second think that looks aren't of some importance to any man, but if that's all you have, and judging by your insensitivity, lack of humour, and the complete soulessness of your replies, we can pretty much safely judge that is the case, then when they go, what do you have?

Bear in mind, that as you age, and time takes its toll on everyone... however much you might think you are invulnerable, attractiveness will still remain top of his agenda.

Bear in mind too, that usually when men have affairs, its with less beautiful women, who clearly have something else to offer.

Gosh seenitdoneit you are certainly trying to be very unpleasant for someone who accuses others of being unpleasant

Agree with custy. Think there's more to it than the OP wearing more make up and high heels. As if the OP's ex was that bothered by appearance, he wouldn't have been with her in the first place; if it was a simple appearance issue, then why is he being critical when the OP looks better and is making more effort than when they were first together?

I assumed, Anna, if you can give it you can take it.

It hardly leaves you with a leg to stand on though, does it?

Getting your attention fix?