Partner has issues with how attractive he finds me (i.e. not enough). Is there any way the relationship can work?

[honeydews]

We have been separated for a while now, but have been trying to work through some of our problems, to see if we can keep our family together. (We'd been together since our late teens, and are now in our early thirties with a young son.) This post concerns a particular stumbling block.

When we got together, I was quite a laugh and interesting to be with, but I didn't look great. I covered myself from head to toe in baggy, figure-hiding clothes - I was a bit of an ugly duckling as a teen.

However, I've come out of myself, appearance-wise, over the years - have worked out which colours and clothes shapes suits me, and what a tiny bit of make-up can do - and have been surprised to turn a few heads. I have 'unusual' features, I realise that - some people would think me a bit weird-looking, others striking. I'm not a grooming, girly girl nor especially frumpy, but I now believe (hope) I'm at least averagely attractive.

The problem is, it's not enough for DS's dad. He remembers me in our teens and can't seem to perceive me any differently. He has said that, of all our female friends, he'd rather be with me looks-wise, but that he isn't attracted enough, enough of the time. He likes fancy underwear, dressing up, uncomfortably tight jeans, more make-up, overly trimmed bits - all of which I do every now and then, but really, I'm a bit more 'everyday' than that; about halfway between his very glamorous mum and my couldn't-give-hoot-what-she-looks-like mum. I'm not a frump, but I don't glam up more than feels comfortable, and I don't want to be a sex object/accessory either.

I tend to swing between feeling hurt and as though I must be a bit of a minger, and thinking he has unrealistically high standards and that it's his problem.

Argh - I'm rambling. This has come up several times before, and I think I have become a bit obsessed about it as a result - sorry. Anyway, do you think this is something that can be worked through? I think it's important that, whoever I'm with, providing I'm making a reasonable, realistic effort, is happy with how I look most of the time - and I'm wondering if this is simply something a partner can't train themselves to feel.

"Try to dress to please her DH - nothing wrong with that."

A lot wrong with that...

I'm guessing BonsoirAnna's theme song would be "Wives and Lovers"...

BonsoirAnna - where's the harm in expecting your dh to love you as you are and not have to jump through hoops to become his ideal woman.
OP - if you met as teens and you have both grown up together of course you will both look different to how you did back then. Has he improved for the better and turned into Adonis? I bet he hasn't.
He is trying to knock your self confidence as I suspect he liked it when you were the 'ugly duckling' and now you have turned into a swan he feels threatened by it.

" He remembers me in our teens and can't seem to perceive me any differently"

Well if this is true how is making the effort to look different going to help I think he is the one with the problem not you.

Nothing wrong with a bit of self-improvement if it makes you more attractive!

Honeydews, I just knew he wouldn't be drop dead gorgeous?
So how about he starts working on himself then?
You are in a couple, after all

Women who think that they don't have to do anything to please their DHs are bound for the divorce courts, and rightly so! How selfish is that?

Ditto DHs, of course.

There's everything wrong with a bit of self improvement if it makes you feel uncomfortable!

It shouldn't make her feel uncomfortable - you have to work on it so that you find a situation where you are comfortable and attractive to your DH (and discomfort is not often very attractive or glamorous).

BonsoirAnna, the 1950's housewife has nothing on you.

The op already makes an effort, he does not, he has no right to dictate to her how she should look if he isn't exactly picture perfect.

Marriage is the joining of two people, their minds and hearts, not just their skinny backsides.

How utterly vacuous and superficial

But doing things to please your partner to my mind means caring for them, cooking things they like sometimes, making cups of tea, sharing things, not changing your looks and personality for them. Yes, DH likes nice underwear and buys it for me. And he has favourites things that I wear. But I'd not change my entire appearance for him.

And DH's who constantly criticise their wives efforts to please them are also heading the same way!
Nobody is saying OP should make no effort, but why should she be uncomfortable and pretend to be something she is not just to please him?

I'm not remotely 1950s - I'm a lot more liberated than you rebellious women!

Looking nice and pleasing your DH visually is caring for them!

BonsoirAnna, your posts are incredibly patronising and insensitive (as usual). Still remember your posts on the Sarah Brown thread. Do you have some insider knowledge on how "attractive" the OP is?? One of these days you will satisfy many people on here and post some photos of yourself so we can all pick you to bloody pieces.

Hehe. My ex turd had a similar attitude, i never wear high heels or skirts ect, why dont i make an effort.
Perhaps because i have children to tend to and as much as he might like the idea of me cooking his dinner in stockings and a miniskirt, im not sure my kids would like it or that its practical.

Besides, i wasnt here to be attractive and sexy for his personal entertainment,im a person. I think theres a worrying attitude behind his expectations.

Not sure about yours op, but mine was a balding little fat man who looked like an 80s reject.He,d often say these things while he was sat here scratching his arse and picking his feet, with his giant gut wobbling around.

The unspoken deal was that i should be his fab glam sexy wife, and in return i got to smell his farts.

OP you are working towards a reconsilation,, your busy making all this effort and catering to his shallow and childish demands.What effort is he putting into repairing your marriage when hes not criticizing you ?

Does he tell you what a great mum you are, what a great person you are, how much hes missed you and how much he loves you ? Is he doing the things he needs to be doing to make this work , because that wouldnt include complaining about you not being attractive enough would it.

Anyway, i bet your dead attractive and hes an old minger !

I'm not rebellious, I make an effort for my DH and he for me. But that doesn't mean I would make myself uncomfortable in everyday life to appease him.
It is nice to look after yourself and make an effort with your appearance, it isn't nice to feel like you are only loved if you look a certain way, and that way leaves you feeling wierd and uncomfortable.

God, a lot of posts appeared while I was typing that!

I think it all comes down to reasonableness, really. I will not spend half an hour doing my hair in the morning, like his mum. It just isn't going to happen. But I will - and do - spend five minutes putting a bit of lippy and blusher on, eyeliner if I have time, and just roughing up my hair a bit (it is thick, long hair). My clothes 'go' together, and are a flattering shape and not too 'old' for my age. Yes, I get dolled up for a posh dinner or the theatre or a wedding (in fact, I've overdone this in the past and got into trouble - not with DH - for looking too attractive). And, ironically, I met up with some mums the other day and one said - in jest - that if I kept turning up looking so gorgeous, I wouldn't be allowed to come again. Argh! So I'm guessing I'd be up to scratch for someone?! Not good if pleasing a partner means alienating other women, and vice versa.

It really does seem as though he needs to be with someone who better meets his looks 'criteria'. It's not the only problem between us, granted, but it does seem such a pathetic reason to contribute to the break-up of a family. DS, in years to come: "Mum, why are you and Dad not together?" Mum: "Because Dad didn't fancy me enough."

Dressing to please your man is liberated!

You just cannot bear to hear the truth! Because it involves you making an effort. Lazy lazy lazy....

Don't pay any attention to Anna, Honeydews.
Being with someone since teens is a very long time and you will have both changed significantly since then.
Maybe it is time to find someone else?
Anyway, How do you feel (other than wanting to keep the relationship together for the sake of your dc ?)
never mind what DP wants...What do you want?

Anna, you make such nasty sweeping judgements all the time, your smugness is very irritating.

SHE ALREADY MAKES AN EFFORT

I bet your dp is hot is he? Do you have any demands on him. I am guessing no.

Dressing up a bit is the cherry on the cake in a good relationship- it shouldn't be a precondition. A relationship that is going to last the distance needs to be able to encompass times when partners are tired, ill, stressed, looking less than perfect for whatever reason. Otherwise it's not a real relationship, just a shallow facsimilie...and when a younger sharper model rocks up it might well disappear in a puff of smoke. Not something I would recommend anyone to aspire to.

I think it is cruel and patronising to women to pretend for the sake of their own feelings that their DHs shouldn't care about how attractive they are. It's a gross form of collective denial and totally hopeless as a strategy for happines...

OK. I can see that looks matter to a partner. But how does that work when a couple reach their 60s or 70s. And whatever you do you will start to age. What if the partner decides he finds only younger women attractive? Is she still supposed to feel she has to jump through hoops to look 30 again?