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Original poster

opinions on friends comments about not seeing things from her point of view!

43 replies

fufflebum · 28/04/2009 08:40

Met up with a friend recently. She was telling me about a weekend experience with her BF about how they had set alarm to get up to see Grand prix and because of time change she ended up getting woken up even earlier (5am).

I said that I have no sympathy with sleep deprivation as I have two kids under 5 (she has no children) and she said in a rather cross voice that I can never see things from her point of view!

I said that I do think the idea of being tired because of one early start, in this case 5am, does not equate to the experience of having two young kids and I was sorry but I did find it difficult to sympathise with this! (I have also had similar conversations with my parents who say they have a cold so have stayed in bed for a couple of days!).

When I asked whether this was how she felt generally about her relationship she said that I always gave her the impression that I thought she had it easier than she did. Obviously we discussed it further but I did get the impression that there is more stuff she is talking about here.

Are you sympathetic when your childless friends talk about being tired? AIBU?

OP posts:

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 28/04/2009 08:45

YABalittlebitU, as she hasn't got kids, so to her 5am IS an early start, and it probably was to you before you had them!!

Comewhinewithme · 28/04/2009 08:54

YABslightlyU .

My sister makes lots of comments like this but it goes over my head she once had my dd when I was in hospital giving birth .
The first thing she said when I came home was

You won't believe the night I've had !

Higgledyhouse · 28/04/2009 09:32

yes I think you are being a little unreasonable and perhaps a little closed. Give your mate a break - she does not have kids so can't possibly understand what it is like to continually have late nights, early mornings etc.

We all have our own limits often influenced by our experiences and life styles so your friend is only living by hers.

5am was a very early start for me once upon a time too!

rubyslippers · 28/04/2009 09:34

of course i would be sympathetic

being tired is not just the preserve of parents

plantsitter · 28/04/2009 09:35

I have to be brutally honest here and say that when I didn't have kids, the most annoying thing ever was when people negated all your experiences because you didn't have kids. Like, you make a little joke about how you forgot the clock change and suddenly 'you don't know you're born' cos you've never had babies. Not saying you put it like that. But yes I think you're being a teensy bit U.

AMumInScotland · 28/04/2009 09:38

Can't you remember life before children? Wouldn't you have felt tired after a 5am start, and think it reasonable to comment on being tired to a friend, expecting at least a tiny bit of sympathy?

Tiredness, and illness, are things which do not require automatic "one-up-man-ship". "Oh, you think you're tired, I'm so much more tired than that" is not a friendly response.

If she goes on regularly about how tiring her life is, then feel free to comment about the difference between choosing to stay up late / get up early and the soul-destroying sheer exhaustiion of regular lack of sleep from small children. But don't expect her to fully understand until she's been there herself, and don't think that means she has lost all rights to ever complain about tiredness.

ginnny · 28/04/2009 09:50

YABU, although I do see your point in a way. She chose to get up that early to watch the GP, whereas you don't have a choice when you have dc.
Probably would have been better not to have said anything though!

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 28/04/2009 09:55

YABU you sound like someone who always has to "win" at whatever the other person is complaining about. Friends are suppose to sympathise.

Ginny you do have a choice you didn't have to have DC.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/04/2009 09:59

YABU. I cope with tiredness so much better now I have a baby, whereas before, a 5am start might have floored me. Be nice.

ShowOfHands · 28/04/2009 10:00

yes yab thoroughly u. If somebody, especially a friend, makes a statement about something that has upset/annoyed them then you would do well to accept this and sympathise with them. It is absolutely unnecessary to start up a comparison. It is not a competition and she must be allowed her feelings without being told they are insignificant in comparison to yours.

My brother has just been in a motorbike accident and broken his collar bone. I have offered every sympathy. I did not deign to tell him that he should give birth and then talk to me about pain. That would be rude and unnecessary.

It is infuriating when parents belittle their childless friends' feelings.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/04/2009 10:02

Oops this isn't on AIBU is it?

dittany · 28/04/2009 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ramonaquimby · 28/04/2009 10:09

tiredness isn't a competition

plug · 28/04/2009 10:14

Am afraid I also think YABU. Everyone's experiences are different and part of being a good friend is appreciating that and putting your thoughts and opinions to one side. This wasn't about you, it was about her and her experience and how that made her feel and as a friend, you should have sympathised. My Mum has died - I would be a rubbish friend if I said "well at least you've still got a Mum" every time one of my friends had a little moan about theirs.

OrmIrian · 28/04/2009 10:17

Of course YABU. Aren't you allowed to be tired san kids?

mayorquimby · 28/04/2009 10:27

yab-completely-u. why did you make it a competition about how much worse off you are?
it's like when you moan about something trivial such as concert tickets being too expensive and someone replies "you should be happy you can afford to go to concerts, there's people starving in africa". one thing has nothing to do with the other.

hobbgoblin · 28/04/2009 10:30

Your approach would be like me saying to you 'there are children starving living off infrequent bowls of grain' the next time you told me you were very hungry.

You lack as much empathy as she. Empathy is being able to consider someone's feelings from their point of view. You are not doing that are you? Neither is she in some ways but although insensitive you haven't said that she has dismissed your tiredness ever so you have gone one step further than she has in the lack of empathy stakes as far as I can see.

Original poster

fufflebum · 28/04/2009 10:50

Perhaps I was BU. However, I still think that moaning about an early start, which she chose and could nap later on is slightly silly in comparison.

It is not a competition of course not and there is a difference with being able to empathise with someone (which of course I could and can-i know what feeling tired is like!). I did not want to sympathise as it was her CHOICE!

OP posts:

ShowOfHands · 28/04/2009 10:54

You chose to have children.

The issue here is that you choose not to show any sympathy to your friend which is frankly quite nasty.

mayorquimby · 28/04/2009 10:54

well in that case it was your choice to have kids so why the hell would she sympathise with you?

Mumcentreplus · 28/04/2009 10:56

YABU.....just smile inside her time will come...

hobbgoblin · 28/04/2009 10:56

Why would you want to deny her sympathy? I don't get it. Do you begrudge her something here?

TotalChaos · 28/04/2009 10:57

yabu. it's fair enough to regard her early start as self-inflicted and as part of a treat - but it's a touch churlish to SAY that.

Original poster

fufflebum · 28/04/2009 11:01

I was not the one moaning about sleep deprivation was I? I was not asking for any sympathy and of course it was my CHOICE to have children. I did choose not to show any sympathy, but I could EMPATHISE with her as I have said.

So I take it from the responses on here today that everyone would have listened and make sympathetic noises about the early start!

OP posts:

hobbgoblin · 28/04/2009 11:07

Sorry, but it seems so!

I have to bite tongue when single friends talk about lack of money for spending on selves. When most of one's money as a parent goes on everyone else but oneself it does grate a bit to see friends frittering money away on clothes, drink and meals out!

I don't mind as it is what I did and it is not my place to mind but secretly fleeting envy colours my opinion.

As with everything, grass is always greener...

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