opinions on friends comments about not seeing things from her point of view!

[fufflebum]

Met up with a friend recently. She was telling me about a weekend experience with her BF about how they had set alarm to get up to see Grand prix and because of time change she ended up getting woken up even earlier (5am).

I said that I have no sympathy with sleep deprivation as I have two kids under 5 (she has no children) and she said in a rather cross voice that I can never see things from her point of view!

I said that I do think the idea of being tired because of one early start, in this case 5am, does not equate to the experience of having two young kids and I was sorry but I did find it difficult to sympathise with this! (I have also had similar conversations with my parents who say they have a cold so have stayed in bed for a couple of days!).

When I asked whether this was how she felt generally about her relationship she said that I always gave her the impression that I thought she had it easier than she did. Obviously we discussed it further but I did get the impression that there is more stuff she is talking about here.

Are you sympathetic when your childless friends talk about being tired? AIBU?

but fuffle - would it have mattered if you did show sympathy?

wouldn't have cost you anything - you may have been inwardly grinding your teeth with rage ....

your friend CLEARLY thinks you have an issue with your attitude (from your OP anyway) so i would start to think about your behaviour or you may find your friendship waning

i just would have acknowledged it and said, "oh nightmare you must be wrecked" i agree with a poster above, there's nothing more annoying than the standard response from parents to non-parents of "you don't have children you don't know your born" when someone without children has the absolute gall to provide an opinion or complaint about any facet of life to someone with kids. it's just childish and lazy. it'd be like a non-parent,upon hearing a parent complain about being knackered from waking during the night, responding "well it was your own choice to have them/ you're tired?you're tired?i just got back from a weekend of electric picnic and have gotten 2 hours sleep in the last 3 nights. you should be positively refreshed with your fancy 5 hours sleep a night"

it's just pathetic

There's always someone worse off than you. Should we never complain about anything?

One of my least favourite adverts ever - Persil: "You don't have kids, do you?". Smug and just knife-twistingly awful when the answer at that point in my life was no, I didn't.

sorry but i think a little sympathy wouldn't kill you. then you may get some in return! seems to me like you're the type who always has it worse than someone else. just stop comparing all the time and trying to make out that you've got a hard time of it! everyone thinks that! now phone her up and apologize and ask her whether she had a nice time. you do want to have some friends don't you???

Part of friendship involves offering sympathy to friends over their problems, whether or not they are self-inflicted, and whether or not you also have problems of your own. That's the deal, isn't it? I don't mean you have to always be sympathetic when people go on and on about something but clearly have no plans to do anything about it, but when they happen to mention something, it's normal to express sympathy, even at just the "polite noises" level.

To say to her "I have no sympathy for you over that" is a very negative thing to express, and her response sounds like she thinks this is something you do to her a lot. If you like her, and value her friendship, then I think you need to consider why you don't think she often deserves your sympathy, and consider whether you are being unfair to her in your overall attitude.

Thanks for the responses.....

I did apologise at the time and asked if this was how she found my attitude with everything. Fortunately she said that she did not.

Perhaps I should try and bite my tongue in future (although I find this more hypocritical if you always hide what you are thinking!)

We have known each other a long time and I certainly do have/express sympathy when it is needed.....

Help ma boab!

Surely the whole point of meeting up with friends is to have a laugh and a whinge together. Christ, if I thought I wasn't allowed to moan about things that were 'silly' my conversations would be rather short!

My friends and I moan about everything from idiots on buses, to the holocaust*, to the credit crunch, to why jeans never make your bum look small.

I'm so glad for my friends, who I can moan to about anything. Your post reminds me how wonderful they are.

• friend recently back from trip to Auschwitz. Wonder how many people moan about feeling tired after visiting holocaust memorials. Anyway, we eventually moved on to a frank discussion of Britains Got Talent. It's what friends are for.

We have friends who are childless.They CONSTATLY bang on about 'what a hard week at work', how 'knackered' they are, how 'stressful' things are.

We have two kids under 3 and both work in stressful jobs with long commutes.Its is very annoyign listening to them but we have to remind ourselves that our lives are our choices.And chuckle inwardly to ourselves about the fact that when they Do have kids it will hit them like a ton of bricks.

There is no point in biting becuase till you have the kids, you really can have no idea of how you will find it.

I did bite once though.It was our first night out after having dd2.I had run round like a loony with DD1 all day, struggled to get her into bed and settle the baby for the sitter, all on about 2 hours sleep.I still managed to get ready for the appointed hour.We arrived at said friends for pre night out drink.Female of couple had been home from work for 2 hours.She had wet hair and hadnt decided what to wear.She eventually got ready 45 mins after our dinner reservation had been due so we mised it.And then stated it was becuase she had had such a stressful day at work and was 'tired'.It did not go down well.In pointed out that I had managed to get ready and decide what to wear inthe half an hour I had after getting both children to sleep and expressing enough milk for the midnight feed, despite being still the size of an elephant and with eye bags the size of packing cases.She stopped complaining then.

Actually now I think of it that would be annoying even if we hadnt just had a baby..Maybe I didnt get cross enough!

I was much, much tireder before children than afterwards - life is a picnic these days!

TheGreatScootini, did you ever feel tired or stressed before you had kids?

How would you have felt then if somebody had said, you aren't really tired, and you don't know what stress is?

A mother of five kids could come on here and go 'Pah! Two kids - that's a breeze, how silly to moan' etc etc.

Yes MorrisZapp thats why I said 'There is no point in biting because till you have kids you can have no idea of how you will find it' and stated that when out friends bang on, we chuckle inwardly.I illustrted the one time I DID bite to give a bit of empathy to the OP..

Or were you too tired to read the post properly? [Grin]

Clearly Im too tired to put in my emoticons properly.

Clearly Im too tired to put in my emoticons properly.

'Biting' - do you mean rising to the bait of the annoying childless people who don't know they're born?

I read your post and thought you sounded really patronising, as if there are some people out there who are too inexperienced in life to understand true tiredness.

What a cheek, if I may say! I've been reduced to sobs of exhaustion many times - it just wasn't kids who drove me there.

Can't stand the idea that people with kids have some magic pass to life experience and the rest of us are just amateurs. Surely you can see how grating it gets, though I lack your fortitude and couldn't help myself 'biting' back

fufflebum

It doesn't really matter whether you are in synch over this issue.#
the truth is that you should examine the possibilty that you are becoming the kind of woman who, when you tell her you had a bad night sleep, sucks in her cheeks and say "well. You think that was bad. I was awoken four times because...blah blah blah"

My sister does that. She is like a fucking dementor - can such the happiness out of any situation.
If you always refer things back to yourself then it is dull dull dull.

In TGS example, I'd say you'd have every right to be frustrated, but not because her stress is less than yours but because you were stressed and busy and tired but still managed to make it on time. Your friend didn't. Doesn't matter why she was tired and stressed.

I agree with most others here - why is there this feeling that because someone's problems are ones you think you could handle better (ie are easier than yours), doesn't mean they are. Get over yourself.

Your friend was trying to have a little moan and you turned it into being all about you.

Sorry -s econd part was meant for OP! Not TGS.

I dont see that its patronising on a website for parents, mostly Mums, to share an experience from a Mums point of view
I do find it annoying when those particular friends constantly, and it is constantly as well, not just every so often,tell us in great detail how tired they are, sometimes when its quite obvious from my haggard face that I am bloddy knackered after a day at work and a night with no sleep as one of the girls is sick or whatever.I dont think parents have the sole right to be tired.But by the same token shouldnt childless people have some empathy for their friends who maybe havent had a full nights sleep for years and who work on top of that as well?

Surely it should go both ways?

I think the OP shouldnt have said anything to her friend.But she has been flamed on here for it.Sometimes when you are tired (or stressed from work or just in a bad mood) you say things you shouldnt.I think thats what she did.I think we are human and have prob all done it.And I was trying to illustrate that although as stated, I hold the opinion that she shouldnt have said it,I have been in a similar position and have reacted similarly, so she isnt on her own,and doesnt feel like she has been the worst person in the universe.

Also I think you are getting slightly too cross about something that is really quite innocuous.

That last bit probably is quite patronising.C'est la vie.