Where has uhuru's thread gone???

[pinkroses]

Has it been deleted?? What has happened?? There was nothing bad in it, was there???

[Lizzylou]

PMSL @ Blu!

[Uhuru]

In a way it would be nice if she guessed it was from me - BUT couldn't prove it!

Anyway as I know where she lives if DH g=has to make any trips to that part of the world (there is no reason for him to ) I might have to insist on going along with him.

[fedupandiwantout]

Uhuru, if I were you I would call up the other woman and pretend that your dh has 'admitted' everything and that you would like to know why it happened etc. I'm sure people will shoot me down for this one but that is just me because I'm the type of person who calls up other women. I've had to do it on my h because I have caught him in a few lies. He has admitted one affair but not the other (long one) and I am reading loads of books and starting to go to therapy to try and gather my strength to leave. The one he is denying, tried to pretend at the beginning of the conversation that nothing happened until I informed her that I was going to leave anyway and I would just appreciate the truth. Then it all came pouring out.

[lunavix]

I have to admit I'm in the 'call her up' party but I am not a rational person!

I'd be more inclined to stake out the house and see if she has a dh you can dob her in to!

[pinkroses]

TBH, you need to decide whether to trust your husband and put this incident behind you. If you can't then you know it is over.

You will end up going nuts if you constantly worry about what he is up to. You are never goona know where he is all of the time. A marriage is more about trust than monogamy. If you don't have trust, then you marriage won't survive.

Sorry to be brutal, but if this actually is an above-board friendship, you run the risk of ruining this woman's marriage because your husband wasn't honest with you. No matter what, you can't accuse her without evidence.

[beachyhead]

It does sound like he's trying, particularly when he said he had had a chat with her about work issues - remember, you didn't want to be kept in the dark about what he spoke to her about and he is giving you credit for -well, if I told you I'd spoken to her, you would go crazy-, so if he tells you calmly that he has spoken to her about work issues, then thank him for letting you know, and say no more!

Never chase dogs, children or husbands....let them come to you......

Reel him in - he knows what he has done wrong, give him a chance to make it up to you.....let him organise some nice things with you and dd, let him have some major bonding time with dd while you go off and have your nails done - let him organise a family holiday.....keep your dignity and you will keep your man.....

Don't talk it to death - counselling, which is focussed and on neutral territory would be the best option, but let him experience the big time flow of family love/time and see how he reacts....

[Uhuru]

Not sure that it was completely above board - i accept that it is HE that has the responsibility to me but she lied to me to try and cover it up and went bleating straight to him when I asked/told her to stay away from him. She also lied in that she said I threatened her (I've been married to a lawyer for 10 years for God's sake - I don't make threats). In the same way that she feels that she has no responsibility to me I don't feel that I have any responsibility to her. Her husband does not know about the friendship and when I suggested to DH that perhaps he should - he said I don't thinks that's a good idea - doesn't sound above board to me. Today I feel like I may be on a seek and destroy mission.

[Uhuru]

Beachyhead - he only told me about the chat after I asked him - he didn't volunteer any info - i ahd to drag it out of him.

Thanks for your post though.

[pinkroses]

I completely agree with you. I don't think this has been above board, but that isn't my decision to make.

Personally, I would do as much as I possibly could to hurt this woman as I would never want her house to be nice and happy whist mine was being destroyed...but that's me. I couldn't forgive an affair, but many women can.

I really feel for you at the moment. This is an awful thing for you to have to deal with. I would kick your husband for putting you through this.

One question though, when did you have sex last? This is always an inclination that something isn't right in a relationship. Tell me to naff off if I'm being nosey!!!

[noddyholder]

I think that this will drive you mad if you don't reach some conclusion soon.I would normally say leave it and don't speak to her but it is obviously not going to go away that easily I can't believe he is still speaking to her even if it is at work.Maybe you need to speak to her like the others have said Good luckxx

[beachyhead]

Sorry I didn't realise he didn't proffer the info....
I don't think there is any point in contacting her or her husband if there is one still there....if your (d)h wants to be deceitful, then I guess he has to face the consequences - I think by any contact, you will drive him away from you and gang them together as they will both feel attacked.
I would insist on counselling and if you can bear it, setting him some tasks that MAY help you rebuild your trust in him. See if he takes up the challenge - if he does, then work with him....If he doesn't, then he has blown it.....

Don't let it degenerate into a cat fight with her, which although it would be hugely satisfying, would not actually get you anywhere (also would give (d)h the dubious pleasure of watching two women fight over him (when we are all not sure he is worth fighting over )

[Uhuru]

Pinkroses - you are a woman after my own heart BUT i know that there is a lot at stake and I have to do everything with a cool head. Re the sex (no you are not being too nosey - mn is anonymous so we can be honest)it has been patchy he is rarely in the mood (I hav always hada higher sex drive than him) BUT since this has happened we have had sex twice - shameful I know but when we seem to working things out it seems natural - and if he has been lying and cheating all along then I will have used him for my own sexual gratification!

Grumyfrumpy and noddyholder - not sure that I could talk to this woman without screaming at her so robably better not to talk to her at the moment.

Beachyhead - I am aware that I can easily make her out to be the victim and myself the needy neurotic scary mary jealous witch so I do have to proceed carefully

Thanks to everyone for their support so far - it's good to have someone to share even my most violent and wild revenge fantasies with.

[fedupandiwantout]

Personally after everything I have gone through I would be on a seek and destroy mission too and I would definitely call the husband. But I am in a revengeful mood...

[pinkroses]

So, I think the only question you have is: can you forgive him?

The hurt will take a lot to go away, but I think you know deep down what has been happening between your dh and this woman.

Can you forgive? If you can, then maybe after councelling, you will have a stronger marriage.

[Uhuru]

$64,000 dollar question pinkroses - sometimes I can - sometimes I can't (i'm not generally the forgiving sort)but what I am forgiving him for? Deliberate concealment of this "friendship"? - don't know - maybe - lying to me - don't know - if he has slept with her - definitely not! I think that's why I need to know - if he has not slept with her we may be able to work this through - if he has then I want him out of my life and want to destroy him and her - not very grown up I know but I always always told him from the very beginning that if he cheated on me I would walk and I still feel that way.

I feel stupid for even entertaining the possibility that they have not slept together but that is possible isn't it?

[gggglimpopo]

One of the things that I discovered when my xh had an affair was that in the end he had an affair with someone else and to me it did not matter if he had just done a Clinton(there was no penetration therefore no intercourse took place nudge nudge )or if they'd done it 40,000 odd times or if it was "just emotional but given the opportunity......" I would never really know. I thought long and hard about it and I decided that my definition of infidelity was the lying and the cheating and the hurt that it caused to me and my family. And, much as I really really wanted to - for the children and for myself - in the end I just could not forgive him.

I would really advise you not to contact the wife. But in your shoes wild horses wouldn't have stopped me

[pinkroses]

very possible.

Why don't you sit down with him, tell him how this whole situation has upset you. Tell him exactly why you are suspicious (her lying, them getting stories straight, etc) and ask why he felt he needed another person to talk to.

Get him to look you straight in the eyes and say he didn't sleep with her...you will be able to tell if he is lying, trust your instinct.

If it turns to your favour, ask if he is willing to work through this, and will he agree to councelling. Also, come up with rules, so to speak, for your marriage. Like put a night a week aside for you to have a nice meal together and chat (not about kids). Make an effort to compliment each-other, etc.

You may find it'll help.

[fuzzywuzzy]

Unless you have proof let him have the benefit of the doubt. How long has your Dh been friends with this woman anyway?
If you do confront her in real life be very careful, she lied to your dh about your 'threatening' her on the phone so she could make up all sorts if you did confront her.
Dunno about telling her husband, if he throws her out that would make her available.....

[Uhuru]

Thanks for being so honest ggglimpoo - reassuring for me that we can all be driven to ill advised actions when feeling hurt and betrayed - by the way - even a Clinton is cheating! Would DH consider it a trifle if I had a Clinton moment with somone - I think not

[Uhuru]

Fuzzywuzzy I think she may already be available - I think they may be separated - dh doesn't know or isn't telling _ i think she considers herself a free agent

[Uhuru]

Fuzzywuzzy - they have been "close friends" (his words) for about a year

[beachyhead]

I second the pink roses approach

[gggglimpopo]

I went to great extremes to find out who she was. I knew she lived in a certain town and drove a Suzuki rhino and had no kids and I would go lloking for suzuki rhinos, driven by 30 something blondes with no childseats in the back Looking back I find it hard to believe I actually did that.

You'd be amazed at how many childless Surrey blondes drive Suzuki rhinos!

[Uhuru]

Pinkroses - have already done everything you suggest - he said they haven't - he maintains they only talked and he cannot see what harm talking can ever do- but he also told me the phone call wasn't for him - I have trouble believing anything that comes out of his mouth at the moment. He says he wants us to be together - I have suggested counselling but he wants to think about it