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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Where has uhuru's thread gone???

89 replies

pinkroses · 28/04/2005 15:37

Has it been deleted?? What has happened?? There was nothing bad in it, was there???

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fuzzywuzzy · 03/05/2005 19:18

What does he need to think about with regards the counselling????

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pinkroses · 03/05/2005 19:22

that would be my opinion. If he want's to make things work, he should do whatever it takes. My dh and I had a bad patch a while back and he agreed to try councelling to fix things, even though he is a private person. He was willing to do it for me.

Make him sleep on the couch until he decides what he wants in his life. Right now he has everything. A wife, a great job, and a mistress(probably). Tell him you couldn't care if he stays or leaves and be aloof with him. He will realise you are not a doormat.

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Uhuru · 03/05/2005 19:32

He won't leave! I would have to chuck him out!

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HRHDuchessofPeahead · 03/05/2005 19:40

uhuru - obviously the not knowing is really eating you up (completely understandably). She works at the same place as your dh, a place where he has worked for years and years and where presumably you have friends through him or acquaintances who are friends of his. I really really would arrange to have a drink with one of his fellow partners or his secretary. Someone who works in the same department or field anyway. They will know if she is single, separated or divorced and if you ask them face to face they will tell you if they are having an affair. It is certainly what I'd do. I couldn't take the not knowing....

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tigermoth · 03/05/2005 23:59

coming to this thread late, but wanted to add my support uhuro. Horrible situation to be in and I don't know what I'd do if I were you.

I don't know all the details, but if you are good friends with your husband's colleagues, it might be worth seeing how they behave in your comany, thinking of pph's advice. Even if you don't ask them outright, and they don't say anything, their basic reactions to seeing you may help tell you what you want to know.

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Uhuru · 04/05/2005 09:55

Hi everyone - feel a bit better today but still unsure what to do - feeling emotionally drained so am going to try not to think about it today (fat chance!)

Thanks everyone for your support. Re his colleagues - I have been away from the city for so long now that I don't really know very many people in the office - when I worked in the city used to drop in and have a drink and stuff.Not sure if that is a possibility.

Take Care everyone
x

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pinkroses · 04/05/2005 10:02

Uhuru, you need to come to a conclusion with this...purely because you have a child, and a child needs his mother to be 100% able to take care of him/her.

You can't keep tormenting yourself with this. I think you should probably face facts; your are never gonna know if he is sleeping with her, so it is your choice to try and forgive him and move on. The blurb I wrote yesterday is exactly what a councellor would tell you to do. TBH, if you cannot get him to talk to you or agree to councelling...kick him out!!! You will be better off without him.

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Uhuru · 04/05/2005 10:12

Tough words pinkroses.

I need to deal with this in my own way - and you are right I do need to be there for my DD 100%.

I am very garteful for everybody's advice,input and support but I think I need to go away from mumsnet for a while (not a flounce) but no doubt I will be back in the futures.

love and thanks to all

Uhuru
x

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MarsLady · 04/05/2005 10:14

Honey, you my thoughts and prayers. I wish you strength, peace and joy

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Lizzylou · 04/05/2005 10:16

Good luck Uhuru!
Hope you work things out........

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Blu · 04/05/2005 12:57

PPH - i am fascinated by your conviction that colleagues would spill the beans - especially a secretary! I would never in a million years 'tell' like that - esp if I might lose my job as a result! if challenged directly I would say 'you have to ask him' (if I had definite proof - e.g had booked a hotel room for someone. Do people really tell other people's business in law companies??

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FLUM · 04/05/2005 13:02

Is he looking for a new job yet?

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HRHDuchessofPeahead · 04/05/2005 14:15

I don't think it is anything to do with being in a law firm or not. But I do think that if you sat down with someone who works with both of them, and who you know, and looked them in the eye and said "something is going on, I know it is, and I can't get dh to talk to me about it. I can't stand not knowing. Am I right to be concerned?" then I think theywould find it very difficult to lie to you. Even if they didn't say "fair cop, they've been shagging like rabbits for months", then I think they would tell you that there was something to be worried about. It is just basic humanity.

I have worked with people who have been doing this sort of thing, and met their partners. I never said anything. But if they took me aside and asked me directly I would have told them. I wouldn't have lied to save the stupid spouse's skin if I'd been directly appealed to.

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maturer · 04/05/2005 22:41

Uhuru, hope you are ok. completely understand the need to back off MN- no offence-felt the same myself and still do from time to time. Speaking as someone who has been there knowing (eventually) dh had had full affair with work colleague- it's not black and white, it's not so simple when you are actually in there. My eventual conclusion-the man I'd shared so, so ,so many good years with got lost- big time and made a huge mistake, took longer than he should to realise, but did eventually-was worth "coming to terms with" (not forgiving- too soon)it could have been me/ my best female friend etc I'd have been there for them, why not for my best male friend) not saying it doesn't still hurt like hell sometimes but balance the scales- which way do they fall? All the good things about you verses this one (though prolongued) bad time? only YOU can answer that and no one else , not me or any other MNer is right or wrong , WE do not live in YOUR relationship. Wishing you all the best, peace of mind - comes again- slowly and sporadically!! Fully understand if you don't respond. Take care.