Where has uhuru's thread gone???

[pinkroses]

Has it been deleted?? What has happened?? There was nothing bad in it, was there???

[maturer]

Uhuru, hope you are ok. completely understand the need to back off MN- no offence-felt the same myself and still do from time to time. Speaking as someone who has been there knowing (eventually) dh had had full affair with work colleague- it's not black and white, it's not so simple when you are actually in there. My eventual conclusion-the man I'd shared so, so ,so many good years with got lost- big time and made a huge mistake, took longer than he should to realise, but did eventually-was worth "coming to terms with" (not forgiving- too soon)it could have been me/ my best female friend etc I'd have been there for them, why not for my best male friend) not saying it doesn't still hurt like hell sometimes but balance the scales- which way do they fall? All the good things about you verses this one (though prolongued) bad time? only YOU can answer that and no one else , not me or any other MNer is right or wrong , WE do not live in YOUR relationship. Wishing you all the best, peace of mind - comes again- slowly and sporadically!! Fully understand if you don't respond. Take care.

[HRHDuchessofPeahead]

I don't think it is anything to do with being in a law firm or not. But I do think that if you sat down with someone who works with both of them, and who you know, and looked them in the eye and said "something is going on, I know it is, and I can't get dh to talk to me about it. I can't stand not knowing. Am I right to be concerned?" then I think theywould find it very difficult to lie to you. Even if they didn't say "fair cop, they've been shagging like rabbits for months", then I think they would tell you that there was something to be worried about. It is just basic humanity.

I have worked with people who have been doing this sort of thing, and met their partners. I never said anything. But if they took me aside and asked me directly I would have told them. I wouldn't have lied to save the stupid spouse's skin if I'd been directly appealed to.

[FLUM]

Is he looking for a new job yet?

[Blu]

PPH - i am fascinated by your conviction that colleagues would spill the beans - especially a secretary! I would never in a million years 'tell' like that - esp if I might lose my job as a result! if challenged directly I would say 'you have to ask him' (if I had definite proof - e.g had booked a hotel room for someone. Do people really tell other people's business in law companies??

[Lizzylou]

Good luck Uhuru!
Hope you work things out........

[MarsLady]

Honey, you my thoughts and prayers. I wish you strength, peace and joy

[Uhuru]

Tough words pinkroses.

I need to deal with this in my own way - and you are right I do need to be there for my DD 100%.


I am very garteful for everybody's advice,input and support but I think I need to go away from mumsnet for a while (not a flounce) but no doubt I will be back in the futures.

love and thanks to all

Uhuru
x

[pinkroses]

Uhuru, you need to come to a conclusion with this...purely because you have a child, and a child needs his mother to be 100% able to take care of him/her.

You can't keep tormenting yourself with this. I think you should probably face facts; your are never gonna know if he is sleeping with her, so it is your choice to try and forgive him and move on. The blurb I wrote yesterday is exactly what a councellor would tell you to do. TBH, if you cannot get him to talk to you or agree to councelling...kick him out!!! You will be better off without him.

[Uhuru]

Hi everyone - feel a bit better today but still unsure what to do - feeling emotionally drained so am going to try not to think about it today (fat chance!)

Thanks everyone for your support. Re his colleagues - I have been away from the city for so long now that I don't really know very many people in the office - when I worked in the city used to drop in and have a drink and stuff.Not sure if that is a possibility.

Take Care everyone
x

[tigermoth]

coming to this thread late, but wanted to add my support uhuro. Horrible situation to be in and I don't know what I'd do if I were you.

I don't know all the details, but if you are good friends with your husband's colleagues, it might be worth seeing how they behave in your comany, thinking of pph's advice. Even if you don't ask them outright, and they don't say anything, their basic reactions to seeing you may help tell you what you want to know.

[HRHDuchessofPeahead]

uhuru - obviously the not knowing is really eating you up (completely understandably). She works at the same place as your dh, a place where he has worked for years and years and where presumably you have friends through him or acquaintances who are friends of his. I really really would arrange to have a drink with one of his fellow partners or his secretary. Someone who works in the same department or field anyway. They will know if she is single, separated or divorced and if you ask them face to face they will tell you if they are having an affair. It is certainly what I'd do. I couldn't take the not knowing....

[Uhuru]

He won't leave! I would have to chuck him out!

[pinkroses]

that would be my opinion. If he want's to make things work, he should do whatever it takes. My dh and I had a bad patch a while back and he agreed to try councelling to fix things, even though he is a private person. He was willing to do it for me.

Make him sleep on the couch until he decides what he wants in his life. Right now he has everything. A wife, a great job, and a mistress(probably). Tell him you couldn't care if he stays or leaves and be aloof with him. He will realise you are not a doormat.

[fuzzywuzzy]

What does he need to think about with regards the counselling????

[Uhuru]

Pinkroses - have already done everything you suggest - he said they haven't - he maintains they only talked and he cannot see what harm talking can ever do- but he also told me the phone call wasn't for him - I have trouble believing anything that comes out of his mouth at the moment. He says he wants us to be together - I have suggested counselling but he wants to think about it

[gggglimpopo]

I went to great extremes to find out who she was. I knew she lived in a certain town and drove a Suzuki rhino and had no kids and I would go lloking for suzuki rhinos, driven by 30 something blondes with no childseats in the back Looking back I find it hard to believe I actually did that.

You'd be amazed at how many childless Surrey blondes drive Suzuki rhinos!

[beachyhead]

I second the pink roses approach

[Uhuru]

Fuzzywuzzy - they have been "close friends" (his words) for about a year

[Uhuru]

Fuzzywuzzy I think she may already be available - I think they may be separated - dh doesn't know or isn't telling _ i think she considers herself a free agent

[Uhuru]

Thanks for being so honest ggglimpoo - reassuring for me that we can all be driven to ill advised actions when feeling hurt and betrayed - by the way - even a Clinton is cheating! Would DH consider it a trifle if I had a Clinton moment with somone - I think not

[fuzzywuzzy]

Unless you have proof let him have the benefit of the doubt. How long has your Dh been friends with this woman anyway?
If you do confront her in real life be very careful, she lied to your dh about your 'threatening' her on the phone so she could make up all sorts if you did confront her.
Dunno about telling her husband, if he throws her out that would make her available.....

[pinkroses]

very possible.

Why don't you sit down with him, tell him how this whole situation has upset you. Tell him exactly why you are suspicious (her lying, them getting stories straight, etc) and ask why he felt he needed another person to talk to.

Get him to look you straight in the eyes and say he didn't sleep with her...you will be able to tell if he is lying, trust your instinct.

If it turns to your favour, ask if he is willing to work through this, and will he agree to councelling. Also, come up with rules, so to speak, for your marriage. Like put a night a week aside for you to have a nice meal together and chat (not about kids). Make an effort to compliment each-other, etc.

You may find it'll help.

[gggglimpopo]

One of the things that I discovered when my xh had an affair was that in the end he had an affair with someone else and to me it did not matter if he had just done a Clinton(there was no penetration therefore no intercourse took place nudge nudge )or if they'd done it 40,000 odd times or if it was "just emotional but given the opportunity......" I would never really know. I thought long and hard about it and I decided that my definition of infidelity was the lying and the cheating and the hurt that it caused to me and my family. And, much as I really really wanted to - for the children and for myself - in the end I just could not forgive him.

I would really advise you not to contact the wife. But in your shoes wild horses wouldn't have stopped me

[Uhuru]

$64,000 dollar question pinkroses - sometimes I can - sometimes I can't (i'm not generally the forgiving sort)but what I am forgiving him for? Deliberate concealment of this "friendship"? - don't know - maybe - lying to me - don't know - if he has slept with her - definitely not! I think that's why I need to know - if he has not slept with her we may be able to work this through - if he has then I want him out of my life and want to destroy him and her - not very grown up I know but I always always told him from the very beginning that if he cheated on me I would walk and I still feel that way.

I feel stupid for even entertaining the possibility that they have not slept together but that is possible isn't it?

[pinkroses]

So, I think the only question you have is: can you forgive him?

The hurt will take a lot to go away, but I think you know deep down what has been happening between your dh and this woman.

Can you forgive? If you can, then maybe after councelling, you will have a stronger marriage.