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Original poster

Am I unreasonable?

34 replies

SparklePrincess · 21/04/2009 20:38

Ok, my boyfriend has been staying at my place for a while after having an operation. I have been bending over backwards to look after him & make things nice. Unfortunately the subject of housekeeping money hadnt been addressed prior to him moving in, & money was starting to get very tight as I was buying all food, fuel to transport him to hospital, cigarettes etc etc. I finally broached the subject the other day & suggested £50 a week & extra for cigarettes. To cut a long story short, he clearly found this unacceptable & left. I was stunned. I got a text afterwards saying the amount was too much seeing as he had rent to pay elsewhere. (But he spends that much on fuel & lunches for work, which he is not currently doing) As far as im concerned I have been very shabbily treated after all ive done. What do you think?

OP posts:
Overmydeadbody · 21/04/2009 20:43

I think you did the right thing and he over-reacted. You shouldn't be footing the bill for all his food and cigaretters and petrol etc. just because he is staying at yours.

Perhaps though, instead for asking for £50 oer week, you just pay fir the food and cigarettes alternately, so taking it in turns?

How long has he been at yours and how much longer was it goun gto continue?

Original poster
SparklePrincess · 21/04/2009 20:49

Been staying for 4 weeks. During that time he gave me £70 towards fags & housekeeping. To be honest didnt have a clue what was fair to ask, but as im a single mum on benefits im hardly rolling in it & was getting really concerned about the money running out.

OP posts:
smellen · 21/04/2009 20:50

YANBU I think.

You don't say how he left, i.e. did he just pack his stuff and go without saying goodbye, or stomp off. If so, he is being well out of order.

How long is 'for a while'? If he has been staying with you a week or less, then it wouldn't be unreasonable for him to expect you to put him up (as he recuperates), but if he is going to stay for longer, it would be thoughtful of him to offer a contribution to your household expenses, at least the part which are not fixed, i.e. extras you are paying out to host him.

Probably a good thing to get it all out in the air now though, rather than bottling it up and resenting it. At least it might make you both confront the issue of how you split finances/help each other financially. Money is often the bug-bear in a relationship and is often a good indicator of other issues like trust, commitment etc.

Hope you work things out together (if that is what you want). At the end of the day, it isn't just about money, you've been caring for him when he's needed someone to help him, and that is worth more than mere pounds & pence.

smellen · 21/04/2009 20:51

Have just read your last post. Definitely taking the p* IMHO. What is his financial situation like? Surely he has some pride (and would not leach off you when he can see you are already watching the pennies).

Overmydeadbody · 21/04/2009 20:57

so he's been living at yours a month and only contributed £70? He's taking the piss. But how did he leave?

Original poster
SparklePrincess · 21/04/2009 21:05

He called his brother to collect him without speaking to me about it first.

OP posts:
missylea · 21/04/2009 21:10

wanting his cake and eating it comes to mind hope he never needs you again as hope you would tell him where to go!!! He is a joke!

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 21/04/2009 21:13

Well, sounds like you have rid yourself of a prize cocklodger. What the hell was wrong with him that he needed a month in bed at yours being waited on hand and foot anyway?

Original poster
SparklePrincess · 21/04/2009 21:14

I dont actually know what his financial situation is like. Better than mine id think. If the amount was an issue he should of spoken to me about it before just leaving. Im trying to see things from his side, but I just feel so used. A bit like the cash cow died so he left.

OP posts:
smellen · 21/04/2009 21:15

Maybe this is a wake-up call. You deserve better than this!

Original poster
SparklePrincess · 21/04/2009 21:16

He broke his leg quite badly. My place was the most sensible & safe option.

OP posts:
Original poster
SparklePrincess · 21/04/2009 21:17

Yeah, I know I do. It hurts though, especially as the kids love him too.

OP posts:
missylea · 21/04/2009 21:19

Well now break his heart and tell him to get stuffed! Im sure you do feel used cause thats exactly what he seems to have done.
Then when you ask for a bit of help financially he ups and leaves!!!
Well rid!

Overmydeadbody · 21/04/2009 21:20

How long where you together before he broke his leg and moved in?

Some people are very good at using people, sounds like he is one of those.

Overmydeadbody · 21/04/2009 21:22

Of course it hurts, you poor thing. I'd second what missylea said though, definatly call it all off with him.

Original poster
SparklePrincess · 21/04/2009 21:22

8 months. Im not sure he was being an arse deliberately, think he's just immature, inexperienced & clueless.

OP posts:
Overmydeadbody · 21/04/2009 21:31

good enough reasons to dump him in my opinion. You're a single mum, you don't need someone else to look after, you need someone to look after you, to make your life easier, not harder.

Original poster
SparklePrincess · 21/04/2009 21:36

Yeah, I do. I dont need another dependant. I love him though. Its tricky.

OP posts:
Overmydeadbody · 21/04/2009 21:38

Do you love him or do you love the idea of him? Or the idea of being in love or a relationship?

It's not easy, I know. My last relationship ended over a bagel, of all things, man he was a stingy bastard. He tried to bill me for all the costs he'd incured being my boyfriend . Sad f*ck.

missylea · 21/04/2009 21:52

listen sp you get what you settle for and if he is being like this now can you imagine what its gonna be like if you move in together, he will just think he can get away with not contributing to the household and expect you to pay for everything!
If he contacts you explain to him how you feel and i often find the more blunt you are its easier for them to absorb!! straight to the point and no pussy footing around.

Original poster
SparklePrincess · 21/04/2009 22:05

I was really quite blunt when I spoke to him & in my texts prior to our discussion. "Nasty" he described it as. Id say more "brutally honest" Id spent too long hoping he'd offer to contribute & eventually just blew my top!

OP posts:
Original poster
SparklePrincess · 21/04/2009 22:06

I think I love him, omdb, he is good company & we get on really well. The fact that im not yet divorced makes things tricky.

OP posts:
missylea · 21/04/2009 22:21

listen he is gonna twist this around and say you where "nasty" to justify what he has done. He didnt find you "nasty" when you where catering for his needs for a month. Just take things slow and cool off a bit with him and make him realise that you wont accept this behaviour if you make a point and stand your ground now it shouldnt happen again.
You will have good company on here sp so just content yourself for a while and stick to your guns. He will no that you're kind and considerate as you've demonstrated over the last month but on the other hand you are letting him no that you wont accept any shit and be taken for granted.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 21/04/2009 22:36

SP: cocklodgers are always good company while they are getting fed and housed and shagged. It's when they start being asked to pull their weight in any way that they turn sulky, rude and unpleasant. You're supposed to be grateful that a Man is taking notice of you, and run around servicing him so he doesn't shag other women or walk away....

howtotellmum · 21/04/2009 23:11

If he treats you like this after only 8 months, how do you think he'd behave after 8 years?

Move on.