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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I unreasonable?

34 replies

SparklePrincess · 21/04/2009 20:38

Ok, my boyfriend has been staying at my place for a while after having an operation. I have been bending over backwards to look after him & make things nice. Unfortunately the subject of housekeeping money hadnt been addressed prior to him moving in, & money was starting to get very tight as I was buying all food, fuel to transport him to hospital, cigarettes etc etc. I finally broached the subject the other day & suggested £50 a week & extra for cigarettes. To cut a long story short, he clearly found this unacceptable & left. I was stunned. I got a text afterwards saying the amount was too much seeing as he had rent to pay elsewhere. (But he spends that much on fuel & lunches for work, which he is not currently doing) As far as im concerned I have been very shabbily treated after all ive done. What do you think?

OP posts:
HolyGuacamole · 21/04/2009 23:49

Two things struck me. How come you don't know his financial situation? I don't mean that you should know the ins and outs of his bank account but I would have thought maybe after 8 months (and given that he was happy to be looked after by you) that you would know a bit more about whether he is ok with money, pays his own bills at home etc etc? I mean if the relationship is t a point where he knows your kids and can live in your house, then surely you'd know more about him in that way?

Also, if I were in his shoes, I'd have said something like "oh well if I'm moving into yours for a month then why don't I buy the groceries (or whatever equivalent) as I can't expect you to financially support me?".

You don't need to be grateful of him. You're well rid I'd say. Find a better man believes in equality and paying his way. Most decent men would be ashamed to allow you to look after them like that and not return the gesture in an appropriate manner. Don't allow yourself to be used, you deserve better! You're too kind sparkle.

Original poster
SparklePrincess · 21/04/2009 23:57

I think mug is the word to describe me. I did my best only to be shit on.

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missylea · 22/04/2009 19:17

Listens sp dont beat yourself up about this I've been through shit similar to this before but it shows who is the better person here. As long as you move on and learn from your mistakes. You can bet your bottom dollar he'll be back with his tale between his legs and trying to make a mense but its wether you will want him back now after he has shown his true colours and why should you.. you are worth way more than that

smellen · 22/04/2009 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

midlandsmumof4 · 22/04/2009 23:57

You've been together 8 months. You love him so do your kids but you don't actually know what his financial situation is? . What else don't you know about him? Well rid IMOH.

MrsMerryHenry · 23/04/2009 00:06

Sparkle, I've only read your OP (sorry - am working!), but I wonder whether he felt there was no discussion of the amount you suggested? If so I can imagine why he would react that way, though it is still an immature and unhelpful response on his part.

Original poster
SparklePrincess · 23/04/2009 09:03

Thanks for all your lovely replies.
Its so tough knowing what to do for the best. I think you are spot on there MrsMerryHenry, he felt it was non negotiable & couldnt talk to me because I had (quite understandably under the circumstances) been very ratty with him for the last few days, so his answer was to leave.
I text him yesterday, explaining how I hadnt asked for backpay for the time he'd spent already, so in effect it was only £25 a week, how upset I felt at him just leaving without speaking to me first, & how could he say (in a text a few days after he left) that he still loved me & hadnt ended the relationship if he wasnt even talking to me? No reply.
Its all nuts. hink im just wasting my time on someone who doesnt deserve me.

OP posts:
MrsMerryHenry · 23/04/2009 11:21

Bless you, poor love. You are obviously an incredibly caring and giving person; you made one small mistake and now he is trying to punish you. What a complete and utter moron. This is not the behaviour of an emotionally intelligent man.

If he hadn't kicked up a storm over this you can guarantee that something further down the line would have happened, so I second those who say you're well rid of him.

I'm just so sorry for you that things have worked out this way and you've been so hurt by this pig. There are lots of lovely men around and you will find someone wonderful, who deserves you.

Original poster
SparklePrincess · 23/04/2009 17:22

Thank you. I hope so. xx

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