I don't really know where to start but I am worried I am becoming depressed. DP has a lot of problems stemming from a family speration as a child, a (still) controlling mother, drug issues etc etc.
He is currently withdrawing from Codeine and has been for a year so far. I manage all of our financial stuff. Although he pays the mortgage (this is his war cry when I want to him to leave) I pay everything else which amounts to far more. I have the card from him for our joint acc as he has continually drawn money from it to spend on utter shit when we are struggling to buy even basic stuff like food or items for dd (16mo).
Every weekend I want to crawl into a hole and just switch off. I am in our room today after a period of crying and shaking after looking at our joint acc on line and seeing the repurcussions of March's cash withdrawals.
He is never going to grow up - I feel so alone and he has no idea of the pressure he is putting me under. I feel as though I physically cannot cope with his irresponsibility and failure to behave like a decent partner.
We have had sex four times since dd was born and I cannot even begin to think of him in that way as I am so full of mistrust for and anger with him. It's affecting my interaction with dd and stopping me from being a decent mother to her which I resent hugely. I'm in our room today while he is out with her, worrying about money and trying to work out how the hell we are going to accommodate things that have bounced because of his pathetic self indulgence. He's out with her and won't even be enjoying it as I became pregnant by accident and 'trapped' him into fatherhood. He has acted like he deserves time off in lieu for what he has to spend with her. It took him till she was around 9mo to really bond with her (when she could'give some thing back' - that makes my blood boil) and he does love her sincerely. She adores him which makes it hard for me to know what to do.
I have repeatedly told him to go (I think life would be better and easier if we separated) but he refuses and blames me for wanting to split our family up. I don't feel we have ever had what you would call a family.
I think I hate him and feel completely and utterly frozen, broken and demoralised by him. I don't know what to do. I don't tknow whether I am depressed - I thinkanyone in my position would be angry and sad and I am frightened I am going to become ill if I don't get myself out of this situation.
If I could pluck a solution out of the air I would magic all my old feelings back, and be happy all together. The problem is that there is a massive big chunk that just feels completely dead and broken. I would really appreciate any advice.