I need some constructive advice please.

[haveilosttheplot]

I don't really know where to start but I am worried I am becoming depressed. DP has a lot of problems stemming from a family speration as a child, a (still) controlling mother, drug issues etc etc.

He is currently withdrawing from Codeine and has been for a year so far. I manage all of our financial stuff. Although he pays the mortgage (this is his war cry when I want to him to leave) I pay everything else which amounts to far more. I have the card from him for our joint acc as he has continually drawn money from it to spend on utter shit when we are struggling to buy even basic stuff like food or items for dd (16mo).

Every weekend I want to crawl into a hole and just switch off. I am in our room today after a period of crying and shaking after looking at our joint acc on line and seeing the repurcussions of March's cash withdrawals.

He is never going to grow up - I feel so alone and he has no idea of the pressure he is putting me under. I feel as though I physically cannot cope with his irresponsibility and failure to behave like a decent partner.

We have had sex four times since dd was born and I cannot even begin to think of him in that way as I am so full of mistrust for and anger with him. It's affecting my interaction with dd and stopping me from being a decent mother to her which I resent hugely. I'm in our room today while he is out with her, worrying about money and trying to work out how the hell we are going to accommodate things that have bounced because of his pathetic self indulgence. He's out with her and won't even be enjoying it as I became pregnant by accident and 'trapped' him into fatherhood. He has acted like he deserves time off in lieu for what he has to spend with her. It took him till she was around 9mo to really bond with her (when she could'give some thing back' - that makes my blood boil) and he does love her sincerely. She adores him which makes it hard for me to know what to do.

I have repeatedly told him to go (I think life would be better and easier if we separated) but he refuses and blames me for wanting to split our family up. I don't feel we have ever had what you would call a family.

I think I hate him and feel completely and utterly frozen, broken and demoralised by him. I don't know what to do. I don't tknow whether I am depressed - I thinkanyone in my position would be angry and sad and I am frightened I am going to become ill if I don't get myself out of this situation.

If I could pluck a solution out of the air I would magic all my old feelings back, and be happy all together. The problem is that there is a massive big chunk that just feels completely dead and broken. I would really appreciate any advice.

AAAGHHH people unless you live with a man like this you have NO IDEA how hard it is to disengage the intertwined financial stuff - it is a complete nightmare - you cannot change joint accounts to single names without both signatures and the banks wont care who they chase for the money they will just chase the one most likely to pay - a man like this is impossible to seperate from and very likely to drag you down - i honestly wish people who have no idea wouldnt just come on as say "sort it out" making you feel like an idiot school child for not doing so !!!!!
As you can tell I am in the same situation (with a disastrous joint business loan), I have an expensive solicitor and am desperately trying to extricate myself but getting deeper and deeper in debt trying to keep it all afloat and not lose my house and my credit rating !
OP many sympathies, I know just how you feel, a day at a time is what it takes - I am very slowly getting there and you will too.....

haveilosttheplot, you sound so sad. He sounds irresponsible. If you really dont feel anything for him, and can only see his charactor in negative terms, then you have to make the emotional decision to leave. You're getting that view.

Others have given you advice on the practical stuff, finances etc do have to be sorted out, but I think the first step is if dealing with the emotional decision first. When you absolutely feel you have had enough and need him to go. You sound like that now.

I sense that you could deal with all the practical stuff if others supported your decision to leave him. What do your friends and family think? Have you spoken to anyone else about it?

My bottom line would be: Is he essentially more centred on himself than the DC? Is he spending away the DC's future on luxuries for himself? Does he show his selfish behaviour in ways to her too? I always find myself confident in making decisions about what my children need more than what I want. It makes everything so much simpler.

macdoodle you make a good point. haveilosttheplot are you telling us it is all so complicated financially and you feel trapped?

If you are earning, then why not have your salary paid into your own account, and stop and credits to your joint account?

I think you need legal advice- quickly. It is always tricky sorting out jointly held property if the couple are not married etc. You will need his agreement to sell up- and meanwhile you are committed to paying your share.

Go to the CAB monday, or find a solicitor who canhelp you.

macdoodle I don't think anyone is suggesting that what the OP needs to do is easy but there's not much point telling her it is impossible to extricate herself either. Whatever the difficulties, she needs to begin the process as the alternative is to remain in the position she is in now (unless she buries him under the patio).

I don't think anyone wants to to make her feel like an idiot either as she is clearly just coming to the point now where she is deciding to end the relationship and is asking for practical advice. The most obvious practical advice is to seek legal/financial advice before doing anything else.

she may be able to sign the house over to him, once her name is off the mortgage then it doesn't matter whether he pays it or not. I have no idea how easy that is to do though.

But if she signs the house over to him, he would then have to buy her out, as otherwise she would lose half the value of her investment ( minus the mortgage) and he might not be able to afford this, or to pay all the mortgage himself.

there isn't any equity in the house so that is irrelevant to me, if he's been paying the mortgage thus far then he should afford to be able to anyway. He can of course choose to hand the keys back.

CG- sorry, I am confused- are we talking about you now, or the OP?

CG- he might only have been able to pay all the mortgage as she pays the other bills/expenses from what the OP has said.

I'm talking about the op but reading it through again it's not clear if that is the case

"We wouldn't make our money back on the house if we were to sell it I don't think. I loved it when we bought it and I feel nothing at all any more."

Unless it was loads of money personally I'd walk away by signing it over to him.

I invested 50k.

what equity do you think there would be if you sold today after solicitors, fees etc?

what is the %age split on the mortgage agreement and did he put anything in?

I think we would lose about 30k. He put 15k in. I can't even think about this stuff at the moment, there is so much more to consider - dd would be torn apart if we separated.

I really don't think your dd would be torn apart, yes it would be hard for but she would adjust. Please do not estimate the affect the current situation has on her she deserves to live with a happy fulfilled adult rather than 2 miserable ones.

I feel so responsible for them both. I just want to run away. It is just too much for me and I have had enough.

I don't know what to do anymore - nothing is going to fix this and I don't know what is for the best.

Perhaps you should go the doctors and see if they can pescribe you something short term to help you feel better whilst you sort this mess out. Really truly it does sound like there is nothing in the relationship for you and if it is making you this down trodden then it isn't good for your dd either.

In answer to your last sentence your DD may also be torn apart if you were to stay together. She will pick up on all the tension in your unhappy and already broken home. This is no life for either you or her; this situation is untenable and cannot be allowed to continue.

What are you both teaching her about relationships here?. You are ultimately only responsible for your own self and your child - not him.

What are you to him currently - you act and sound like his enabler. He still has you around to look after him.

Your DP may well have these issues due to his childhood but its up to him to deal with those directly rather than trying to mask it all by using codeine. He is not your responsibility - all he is doing currently is dragging both you and your DD down with him. He is certainly not doing your mental wellbeing any favours whatsoever.

"I feel so responsible for them both".

Mistake number one and commonly said by women in these situations. No, no, no you are NOT responsible for this manchild. He is solely responsible for his own self; its his choice if he wants to piss his life up the wall. You cannot let yourselves be dragged down with him. You have enabled him long enough.

"I just want to run away. It is just too much for me and I have had enough".

These thoughts of yours are often expressed by those who over time have been thoroughly ground down by a selfish partner. You will become happier if you were to live apart from each other. You can make a decent life for you and your DD without him being in it on a day to day basis. You don't have to keep bailing him out only for him to buy crap.

You need to think of yourself first. Anti-depressants and counselling would probably make you feel more able to cope with doing whatever you decide needs to be done, in the short term at least.

Regardless of whether you will stay or leave in the long run, you (and he in the case of joint things) need to sort out the financial issues that are causing you so much stress - have/could you have debt counselling?

If those 2 practical things can take the pressure off somewhat it may be easier for you to decide what would be best for you and DD in the long term from an emotional point of view.

I do think you need to separate the issues and deal with them one at a time. It's probably the fact that there seems to be so much wrong that needs addressing that is making you feel overwhelmed and unable to cope, and you need to break it down into more manageable chunks and prioritise what needs sorting first.

I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide.

i am not sure what i am asking here but bare with me - you seem to be concerned regarding him paying the mortgage - this comes out of the joint account i assume?

does the fact that he is paying the mortgage - even if you had seperate accounts - matter at all legally? both your names will be on the mortgage

I think if things got legal and the mortgage wasn't coming out of a joint account it might look bad for me, even when I am paying for everythign else.

I can see the dynamics of the situation very clearly indeed, changing things in practice is very hard to do.

I am absolutely not going to be put on antidepressants as I think anyone would be bloody struggling in my position, and I want to get through this without drugs.

just put half the mortgage money in the joint account? Anyway seek legal advice, presumably you can force the sale but you can't raise enough to buy him out? It would surely be that you'd have to take the loss as a percentage of the equity you put in 10:3 so £30k drop would be split 23:7 so you would need £8k to buy out his share?