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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

God, I am so angry, I am shaking.......

100 replies

StirlingTheStrong · 16/04/2009 15:27

For those who dont know my story, here is a summary...

H started seeing ow 2 yrs ago now and told me about it in Nov 07. Since then it has been on and off again and I have tried to make our marriage work but gave up a few months ago and actually feel ok about it now.

We still live in the same house as h helps alot with dc as I have just started back at work so need the help.

One of his sisters, who incidentally is a bitch and has never liked me, has the ow as one of her friends on facebook. I sent her a message saying that I thought it was nice that she was friends with the whore and she got upset and demanded I apologise!! I have refused (quite rightly I feel).

In a few months time there is a big family party for h's 40th & their dads 70th and me and the dc were going but bitch sil has sent an email to h saying if that's how I feel about her friendship with ow then she suggests I dont go to party "with that mindset"!!!

I can see I am going to be cast as the evil one in all of this and it makes me so angry!!

ok, breathe, breathe.....

Sorry - I feel better already just ranting here. Thanks

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 16/04/2009 15:30

terrible story, of course, but she's never liked you so calling her pal (and someone who she may think is more suited to dh) a whore could only ever have resulted in this blow-up. i understand that it's hard to keep your cool but it's a shame you didn't...

TheProvincialLady · 16/04/2009 15:32

Well I can understand why you were upset that your former SIL was friends with your ex's new partner the OW. But you shouldn't have sent such a silly message. What on earth did you expect to achieve by it? She is entitled to be friends with anyone she wants and as your h's sister, it makes sense that she supports him, not you, in his relationship choices.

Mamazon · 16/04/2009 15:32

oh i'd go and make sure everyone knew about this OW.

If my DB was cheating i certainly wouldnt make the marriage wrecking whore feel welcome!

sil sounds bonkers

BoysAreLikeDogs · 16/04/2009 15:33

You obv have issues with SIL

Why bother starting up another row - did you think that critcising SILs choice of FB friends was really going to help you? Even if it is the OW. Honestly?

I can see that you are really upset but acting like this is doing your cause no favours

Ride the moral high ground, don't sink to a lower level, no need to turn your complicated home life into more of a battleground

Jaquelinehyde · 16/04/2009 15:33

Hopefully your H will stand up for you and tell your sil to get stuffed as it's his 40th birthday.

If he doesn't then I would suggest that neithe you or your DC's attend the celebration.

Tidey · 16/04/2009 15:36

I do feel for you, and to be perfectly honest I probably would've sent a similar message if it were me. However, if you wanted to keep the peace as much as possible, you shouldn't have done it. I don't think you're in the wrong exactly, more that you saw red when you should have tried to ignore the OW on your SIL's friends list.

Apart from that error of judgement I don't see how anyone could think you're the one in the wrong. You're not the one who cheated, you just got angry over a horrible situation.

Wizzska · 16/04/2009 15:36

I can understand why you're fuming, but your SIL need not have any loyalty to you so can be friends with whoever she likes.

Will OW be at the party? If so it could be difficult.

Why do you want to go anyway? I don't think I'd want to go to the party of an ex and his family.

I don't mean to be harsh on you, you are going through tough times.

madwomanintheattic · 16/04/2009 15:36

is h or sil taking the ow to the party?

maybe just get h to take the dc - not sure i'd want to go anyway tbh.

but why on earth stir up more trouble via fb? your situation is precarious - i wouldn't have thought that it was wise to cause angst with h's family?

you had the moral high ground until that point. if you intend to continue going to h's family functions then you probably do need to learn to keep the peace, whatever your personal feelings. it's either that or you face not being invited in the future in any case, i would suspect.

Original poster
StirlingTheStrong · 16/04/2009 15:37

Yes, I know I should have just left it when I found ow as a friend on sil's facebook but the red mist descended!

I am afraid you would need to know her - she loves to do/say things that are controversial and I shouldn't have given her the pleasure of knowing she has pissed me off.

I shall just have to live with that now!

OP posts:
Original poster
StirlingTheStrong · 16/04/2009 15:41

BTW I really dont think ow would be at the party. She lives in Hungary. Mind you, I am sure sil would pay for her to come over if she thought it would piss me off.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 16/04/2009 15:41

Are you and DH still together?

Or just house-sharing - sorry, it wasn't clear from your post.

It isn't really up to you who your SIL (who you don't like anyway) is friends with. I'd be offended if somebody called my friend or indeed anybody I knew a 'whore'.

Haven't we moved on since the 1950's?

I can't blame you for having the feelings, but you can control your actions.

Original poster
StirlingTheStrong · 16/04/2009 15:49

OK point taken - I am obviously in the wrong here.

Thanks for your time.

OP posts:
madwomanintheattic · 16/04/2009 15:50

i assumed you were just house-sharing tbh - presumably until either he moves in with ow, or until you are set up on your own with childcare etc.

i had assumed h's family knew you had split and were aware of that domestic arrangement, hence it being your responsibility to keep the peace.

if the family son't know about the ow or think you are still together then i that would throw a different light on it.

AitchTwoOh · 16/04/2009 15:53

you know you could reclaim the moral high ground and wrongfoot sil entirely by apologising. it would put her gas in a peep.

HappyWoman · 16/04/2009 15:53

stirling i would be furious too and in fact a similar situation with h family - not involving ow though. From that day i decided that i would have nothing more to do with those people - and even when we got back together did not. It of course was to their loss in the end.

I think i would not go saying it was his family and anyway you have some other date to attend - let them all think you have far better things to do than celebrate his birthday.

If you really are going to seperate you will have to anyway - start now as you mean to go on.

Good luck

mrsboogie · 16/04/2009 15:53

why on earth should she care about holding the moral high ground? what good is that to her? sod the moral high ground!! really.

I totally understand why you did what you did. If yur SiL chooses to associate with a person who broke up her brother's family then not offending her sensitivities is hardly going to be high on your list of priorities.

Ignore the SiL, tell your ExH that you expect his support and go to the party with yur head held high (if that's what you want to do).

Lizzylou · 16/04/2009 15:56

I completely understand why you are angry Stirling, I would be too

Go to the party, hold your head high and don't engage with your SIL at all. Just have a fixed smile on your face and look like you are having fun. That will annoy her more than anything.

Does your SIL know this OW in Hungary at all? Has she met her?

HappyWoman · 16/04/2009 15:57

TBH stirling even if you are intending to get back together you will need you h to be on your side and not his sis with ow anyway.

I too thought you could say sorry it was a heat of the moment thing anyway - dont give her the satifaction that it in anyway means anything to you now.

Does his family know whats gone on - does your h want you to 'put on a happy front' for the sake of saving his own face??

mayorquimby · 16/04/2009 15:57

i'd disagree with those saying she should keep their kids away from their dads 40th and grandfathers 70th because she is having a fight with the SIL.

AitchTwoOh · 16/04/2009 15:58

as the wronged woman, she had it. by lashing out, she provided sil with a drama. take that away by saying 'i shouldn't have said that, the affair has devastated me and dh and i was hurt to see that you, who i still consider my sil, was friends with her. i wish i'd kept my mouth shut, sorry'.

and then any mention among dh's family about this incident is shut down with an 'i apologised' so no drama. it's called p;aying smart.

madwomanintheattic · 16/04/2009 16:00

absolutely. i'd let him take the dcs and go somewhere else myself. it's unlikely that i'd be invited to too many family gatherings once he'd moved out anyway.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 16/04/2009 16:00

I like Aitch's plan

MorrisZapp · 16/04/2009 16:00

Mrsboogie, that doesn't sound like good advice to me.

If the OP feels so strongly about this very raw situation then why would she want to face his family en masse, head high or otherwise?

They have split up, after his cheating. So why make an effort to go to party just to make a point?

My sister went to her DPs fathers 70th, and the DPs ex was there (still liked by family, mother of grandkids, very amicable, no problem) and on the night the ex got drunk and made all the sisters in law go to the toilet with her where she sobbed her heart out about not being a proper sister in law any more.

She caused such mortification all round, and she knew it as she phoned to apologise the next day. Why run the risk? Not trying to assume anything about the OP but I've never understood why anybody would want to attend any function that requires bravery and high head holding etc. If that's how the function makes you feel (and it's meant to be a celebration) then why go?

wickerman · 16/04/2009 16:02

Aitch is right.

Original poster
StirlingTheStrong · 16/04/2009 16:04

Lizzy Complicated story but h worked in Hungary for a while and had a company flat and sil used to go and visit (she has no ties, goes where she wants when she wants) and she met ow and they used to go drinking together. I still dont know whether she thought ow was just a friend or whether she knew what was going on but I know they have stayed in touch even after the affair has come to light.

HW Thanks, as you must know it is hard to maintain the moral high ground when you are livid and frustrated by the unfairness of the situation.

You are all right - SIL has every right to be friends with who she wants and dont worry - if I do attend the party (which I doubt actually) I shall smile and be nice to everyone. I am not the sort to cause a scene. She will not see me upset. I shall just make sure I look fantastic.

OP posts:
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