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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

God, I am so angry, I am shaking.......

100 replies

StirlingTheStrong · 16/04/2009 15:27

For those who dont know my story, here is a summary...

H started seeing ow 2 yrs ago now and told me about it in Nov 07. Since then it has been on and off again and I have tried to make our marriage work but gave up a few months ago and actually feel ok about it now.

We still live in the same house as h helps alot with dc as I have just started back at work so need the help.

One of his sisters, who incidentally is a bitch and has never liked me, has the ow as one of her friends on facebook. I sent her a message saying that I thought it was nice that she was friends with the whore and she got upset and demanded I apologise!! I have refused (quite rightly I feel).

In a few months time there is a big family party for h's 40th & their dads 70th and me and the dc were going but bitch sil has sent an email to h saying if that's how I feel about her friendship with ow then she suggests I dont go to party "with that mindset"!!!

I can see I am going to be cast as the evil one in all of this and it makes me so angry!!

ok, breathe, breathe.....

Sorry - I feel better already just ranting here. Thanks

OP posts:
BoysAreLikeDogs · 16/04/2009 16:08

Oh yes looking fantastic is a Good Idea

Original poster
StirlingTheStrong · 16/04/2009 16:09

MrsBoogie I liked your post - You are right

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 16/04/2009 16:10

I wasn't suggesting she went to the party with her head held high despite the split - but, rather, despite having had offended her SiL with the comment about the OW.

If she was intending to go anyway and was happpy to do so and it was only the SiL's comment that was preventing her then she shouldn't be put off. If she was not going to be able to enjoy it, whether or not this latest thing had happended, then that's a different matter. But she is the mother of his children and should be respected as such even if she did allow herself a minor rant on facebook.

If she is aboe to get on well enough with her ExH that they still live in the same house then she should be in a position to ask for his support on the might.

LadyFio · 16/04/2009 16:10

cant you send her a message saying

I am weally weally sowwy

HappyWoman · 16/04/2009 16:11

The moral high ground is a hard rocky place - make sure you have another outlet for your anger with you - go on punch that pillow instead - there better now?

Let him have the kids for the day - he will have to stay sober then wont he?

It will be hard but explain that you now need to move on with your life and wish his father all the best and then go off for the day (or prefably the weekend). even if you do nothing but read a book alone - he will not know that and will hate it.

Whatever you do stirling dont let him dictate that you have to go to show a united front - he has had plenty of chances for that in the past hasnt he? Even if things are going to work for you to, it is a small price for him to have to face his family without you covering up for him.
You dont feel comfortable - his sister has already said you are not welcome - so let him deal with that fall out alone.

mrsboogie · 16/04/2009 16:12

sorry 'bout typos - child on lap.

Oh yes looking fantastic is absolutely the way to go!

MorrisZapp · 16/04/2009 16:17

Ok I'm going to get flamed for this but....

I just don't see the SIL as being in the wrong here. It's her brother and her dad having a party (If I have read correctly, apologies if not) and presumably her family who will be there.

Her brother's ex called her friend a whore - we don't know the circumstances here. Maybe the brother was equally dishonest to the OW as he was to OP? It happens a lot on here anyway. SIL may be horrified to hear this kind of language, I would be if it was my friend being slated like that.

So the cheating DH gets to be the big guy at his party with smiling wifey beside him (or smiling ex, that bit isn't clear) and the SIL has to accept that her friend is being called a whore because of his behaviour?

Just looking at it from other pov.

mrsboogie · 16/04/2009 16:25

But she wasn't the SiL's friend originally - she only met her when she went to visit her brother working abroad and he had presumably taken up with this woman. Maybe she didn't know what wa going on but she sure as hell found out after when they split up! And she still chose to remain friends with the woman. Her choice yes, but a poor choice IMO.

Of course the guy is the real culprit here but that's not the subject of the OP's post.

I think the SiL sounds like a right cow!I wouldn't be too worried about her being offended by the use of bad language if she wasn't offended by the act of adultery.

Original poster
StirlingTheStrong · 16/04/2009 16:33

Thanks MrsB - You are right, sil will be enjoying the fact the she is friends with ow. This isn't someone she had known for ages. Nor is ow a close friend of hers.

She just wants to make out I am being horrible to her.

Dont worry Morris, sil wont be horrified by language - she definitely is not a delicate flower!!

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 16/04/2009 16:33

Well, there we differ. I've had this debate many times before but I don't think that the OW is to blame for adultery - presuming she was single it was he who was breaking vows, not her.

Nor do I see why somebody should drop a friend who gets off with a married man - I wouldn't drop my friend if she made this choice, nor would I accept people calling her a whore.

It's not just 'bad language', it's sexist and abusive imo. I agree the OP has every right to feel the way she does, but to vocalise this is just wrong imo.

It just seems to me that as happens so often in situations described on here, we have women calling each other bitches etc while the c* who promised to stay faithful but cheated sits in the middle of the storm like an innocent bystander.

Who is the bad guy here - we have to blame somebody so let's make sure it's a woman or indeed two women in this case. This isn't aimed at you OP, it's a general point.

MorrisZapp · 16/04/2009 16:35

I'm not offended by bad language btw - I use it all the time! I'm offended by anybody calling anybody a whore. It's inherently misogynist imo.

Again, I don't blame you for thinking it. But saying it is something else.

mrsboogie · 16/04/2009 16:37

I did say the guy is the real cuplrit here - but he wasn't the subject of the OP's post so not really relevant to this particular discussion. Of course he is to blame for the whole thing. Goes without saying.

HolyGuacamole · 16/04/2009 16:37

OK, it is easy to see why you got upset by this. Aitch's suggestion is good even if it is hard to swallow. I am not saying SIL deserves any sort of apology, however you can play smart by showing that you are a normal human being with feelings.

I wouldn't go the party but I would make sure the kids go. Can you use it as a chance to have a night out yourself with some friends?

Yes, SIL may be a cow and you never got on with her but your grudge is with your DH. He is the one who caused all of this, SIL would have been a bitch whether there was an OW or not. If SIL wants to be pals with this OW, then that's her bag, let them wallow in their own muck.

Will you and DH be able to sort out your living arrangements soon? It is just that this living in the same house is very destructive and it sounds like it is holding you back from moving on and is keeping you simmering.

Get the last laugh by being successful and happy, try not to let other people piss you off, hard though I know it is

By the way, your DH is a prick, have followed your story for a while

madwomanintheattic · 16/04/2009 16:38

it is her brother though - and surely you want what is best for your siblings? when my dsis split up from her h i'm almost certain she was with another bloke, but i'm not going to put myself out to be nice to her ex because of that... who your siblings choose to sleep with is really their own business. happy to be amicable, but if her xh had started to send dodgy messages it'd get my back up, whether he had held the moral high ground up until that point or not.

in the same way that if my dad and brother were having a party, i wouldn't actually want an xp of my brother's to turn up and cause a scene, either, to be honest.

mrsboogie · 16/04/2009 16:46

HG is right of course - a happy life is the best revenge on the lot of 'em!

flightoftheeasterbunyip · 16/04/2009 16:48

With Morris zapp. Fighting the other women on the sidelines just distracts everybody from the real perpetrator of hurt, ie the bloke. Bet he is loving that

MorrisZapp · 16/04/2009 16:48

Sorry but I echo what madwoman said (was frightened to say it myself!).

Good points from HG too. It sounds as if the OP needs to start putting all this awful hurt behind her, which will never happen while she's in combat with ex's family members such as SIL.

MorrisZapp · 16/04/2009 16:52

MrsB, the XP's guilt is relevant.

If we take as read that the XP was to blame then what does SIL have to apologise for?

anothermum92 · 16/04/2009 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mrsboogie · 16/04/2009 16:59

Absolutely nothing. No-one ever said she had to apologise for anything. Like I said its her choice who she is friends with.

She should maybe be able to extend a little understanding to the OP though, given that this woman was involved in the breakup of her family.

MorrisZapp · 16/04/2009 17:07

Fair enough, MrsB. Is obviously a v hard situation all round.

Sorry OP, hope you don't mind us discussing your situation! I haven't read your other posts from before so I don't know all the backstory.

AitchTwoOh · 16/04/2009 17:14

but she doesn't like the op, never has, so she's hardly going to start being considerate now.

agree strongly with morriszapp, seems llike the OP is taking her (righteous) anger out on everyone but dp. i can TOTALLY see why, on so many levels, but the op needs to be aware that this is what she's doing.

Idranktheeasterspirits · 16/04/2009 17:17

your husband has behaved like a total twunt to you over the last two years, why on earth would you want to attend his 40th?

If the kids want to go then they go with their father, you don't need to be there.

His sister is loyal to her sibling, not to you, however galling that may be.

I can understand your anger by the way but i would try to keep that under wraps for your own sanity more than anything.

Original poster
StirlingTheStrong · 16/04/2009 17:49

Right, disappeared for a bit to think this through (and bake a cake - always helps!!).

I believe that I have been guilty, in the past, of blaming others for what happened, but I am under no illusion now about who is responsible for this situation. H knew what he was doing and I have little or no respect for him anymore.

The reason the party has still been an option for me is that I have been a friend of the family for 25 yrs now. H's oldest sister has been a very good friend of mine for all this time and I know she finds this whole situation very difficult. She loves her brother dearly, but she has been very vocal in her disapproval of what he has done.

In all honesty, I probably wont go to the party, but I dont want evil sil to think that she has stopped me going.

OP posts:
Original poster
StirlingTheStrong · 16/04/2009 17:51

After alot of thought, I am actually coming round to Aitch's idea. Apologising might not be such a bad idea Thanks.

OP posts: