God, I am so angry, I am shaking.......

[StirlingTheStrong]

For those who dont know my story, here is a summary...

H started seeing ow 2 yrs ago now and told me about it in Nov 07. Since then it has been on and off again and I have tried to make our marriage work but gave up a few months ago and actually feel ok about it now.

We still live in the same house as h helps alot with dc as I have just started back at work so need the help.

One of his sisters, who incidentally is a bitch and has never liked me, has the ow as one of her friends on facebook. I sent her a message saying that I thought it was nice that she was friends with the whore and she got upset and demanded I apologise!! I have refused (quite rightly I feel).

In a few months time there is a big family party for h's 40th & their dads 70th and me and the dc were going but bitch sil has sent an email to h saying if that's how I feel about her friendship with ow then she suggests I dont go to party "with that mindset"!!!

I can see I am going to be cast as the evil one in all of this and it makes me so angry!!

ok, breathe, breathe.....

Sorry - I feel better already just ranting here. Thanks

I'd get rid of the real whore, your ex, asap and have nowt to do with the lot of them except as far as the kids are concerned.

FWIW, I wouldn't apologise for calling the OW a whore because, well, she is.

Hi AM92 It sounds like you are in a much better place now. You sound strong. The D word still sounds frightening although it definitely looks like the obvious outcome here too. How are your dc handling it all?

AM92 totally sums it up and sums it up well, too.

Thanks expat - Things are difficult at the moment - it is actually really helpful h being here helping me back into work. And to make things even worse, h is currently out of work because he asked for redundancy (mainly to get him away from ow as she worked with him, but they stayed in touch so that was pointless!!).

I think that once he is working we can sort out the separation properly.

I don't get the other woman is not to blame blah blah blah. The Ow new she was doing a married man, she is complicit in breaking up a marriage, yes she owed nothing to the married couple but everyone is repsonsible for their own actions, she was not walking along minding her own business and accidentally fell on a penis! She decided to consciously have an affair with a married man.

Therefore in my books she is complicit in the break up of a marriage, which does not make the cheating spouse any less of a wanker, the ow should suck it up and expect to be maligned by the wife, an email to a friend is getting off lightly.

I wouldn't apologise, I wouldn't go to the sodding party, I'd change the locks to the house when stb ex went to the party and leave a happy birthday banner on the front door.

I think karma generally comes to oWs in the form of immense guilt and shame.

If it doesn't then it will in another way.

You can't do something like that and get away with it but I do tend to feel it's not the business of the wronged wife to ensure it happens, because her deal was with the bloke, not whomever he decided to donate his love to once it was alredy promised to his wife.

Does that make sense?

to be clear, stirling, you're not apologising for your feelings, which are 100% valid, you're just apologising for having said it out loud, iykwim?

the majority of people here think that's where you made an arse of it , not anywhere else. that's why, strategically speaking, it's the cunning thing to do. it's a big fuck off, really, lol, you're just saying the same thing again 'you hurt me when you are friends with this woman' but blaming her more directly and then giving her not a leg to stand on by apologising for saying it right after. it's funny, really, it'll drive her nuts. she'll feel validated, but utterly robbed of her chance to slag you off...

I understand what you are all saying and, as I am sure you all know, each case is different. Sometimes, I am sure, the ow doesn't know what damage she is causing. Sometimes she sets out to get a man no matter what the consequences.

I am afraid that my h's ow falls into the 2nd category!!

I have seen messages from her at the beginning of this offering herself to him saying "I am available for an affair or a one night stand". Another time, when we were trying to make a go of things she has sent messages begging him to go and see her.

At one point I even tried to prick her conscience by sending her a message saying that I was worried about the dc as they were struggling at school (because h & I weren't getting along) and that I was concerned about the effect of a break-up. She just carried on contacting h as usual.

I think that all of that says alot about someone.

I have told h that they deserve each other now.

she sounds GHASTLY. if he was any sort of a husband he should have run a mile.

Thanks Aitch - I know it will pull the rug from under her if I apologise, and you are right, I am not sorry for being angry. I am sorry for showing it.

I have actually been quite proud of myself during this whole sorry saga. H has even admitted to being humbled by my dignity - or maybe he was being sarcastic!!

I should be allowed one little slip, surely?

You know HW, I like what you said about punching the pillow. I have actually started BodyCombat and it is fab for anger management, and gets you fit too

Stirling. Yes, I completely understand why you said what you did and for what it's worth, I wouldn't much bother apologising. The SIL sounds pretty toxic and I'm glad you are not going to the party. You are entirely right to feel the way you do about the OW and like others, I am sick to death of the hackneyed old argument that the OW should shoulder no responsibility.

This conveniently forgets that we ALL have a responsibility to behave decently to other human beings. What the OW did in your case was horrible, unforgiveable and evil. I don't get any sense from your posts that you absolve your DH from his responsibility to you in all this and they will both get their just desserts. You are behaving magnificently, Stirling and with huge dignity. Please feel proud of yourself and I wouldn't waste any energy worrying what your SIL feels; wait till this happens to her, she will feel very differently, I assure you.

I hope you will meet someone more deserving of your innate decency and strength. You have taken a massive first step in leaving the marriage. You are trying to maintain a relationship because of your living circumstances and the welfare of your DC. I admire you enormously, this cannot be easy.

Of course you should be allowed to vent your feelings my love - don't let anyone let you feel guilty for that. Put it this way, if you had behaved like the OW, you would take a bit of name-calling on the chin, wouldn't you? I really resent the notion that calling women names is inherently misogynistic. No-one seems to bat an eyelid when men are called names on here. Why is describing a woman with loose morals mysogynistic?? Some women are just bloody horrible - as are men.

You however, come across as a thoroughly decent, kind woman and take comfort that your other SIL recognises that and, perhaps being a bit older and wiser, she understands your pain and feels appalled by her brother's actions.

For the sake of the DCs and your relationship with your FIL, I would send the latter a lovely card and letter, wishing him well and hoping he will understand your absence. Let your DCs go to the party, hope one of them throws up on toxic SIL's new dress and grab yourself a night that you will love, what ever that comprises.

Good luck Stirling and well done.

Well Thank You Whenwillifeelnormal (good name by the way. I used to wonder that but feel I am rising above it all now and feeling better).

It is easy for people to start shouting "Dont blame the ow" but sometimes she is nearly as much to blame. Anyway, I really dont want to think about her anymore.

Your words have brought a tear to my eyes. Sometimes it is easy to deal with all the shit but as soon as someone says a kind word you fall apart.

It is nice of you to say that I may find someone else but at this point in time I cannot imagine trusting anyone. Just being on my own with the dc sounds great actually.

I have impressed myself finding p/t work after 8 yrs of being a sahm (after one interview if I may gloat!) and have fallen on my feet with a very flexible employer. So things are definitely looking up.

I truly hope things are getting better for you wwifn too

Thanks also Hoochie for your kind words.

Weirdly enough, this all seems to be coming to a head this week and we have have just had a long conversation about finally separating and all that that entails.

I feel strangely disconnected. I think I have always known we would get to this point, just didn't know when. My main concern is the dc.

I think that I am lucky in that I have had a few months to come to terms with this before telling the dc. I don't know how people deal with telling the dc without dealing with it emotionally themselves.

When I discussed this with the school they thought it best to tell dc at the beginning of a school holiday so maybe we will wait till the summer hols? Or maybe we should just get it over with.

Stirling, it sounds as if you have taken a while to give up on this man, and naturally so. My parents divorced and I don't know if there is such a thing as a right time to do the things you need to do, like tell the children. It is an inevitable thing.

Right now your children probably know, or can sense that things are not right. Looking back on my own circumstances, I wish that things had happened sooner and quicker than they did regarding my parents divorce. Yes at the time it was extremely hard (I was 16 though) but now looking back, well hindsight is a wonderful thing. I wish that my mother hadn't clung (for want of a better word) onto the marriage as long as she did, and she did that for our sakes. I have memories of feeling my parents marriage was bad from when I was about 4 or 5 and that went on for years.

Hindsight tells me that the longer it went on, the more pain there was all around for everyone. Getting to the point in your life where you are independent and moving forward is the best thing for you and for the children. To get to the point where you sincerely don't actually care about your DH or the OW is the ultimate goal. How and when you do all of that is your choice and it will happen, but don't waste too much time in your current situation if at all possible, it runs the risk of ruining you in terms of your emotional health. The OW, DH, the SIL, parties with the inlaws etc, you just don't need it TBH.

Dunno if any of that makes sense or is relevant, I am just sort of rambling. You deserve better and you will get better, and that will happen when you start to cut out all of the dead wood.

Thanks Holy, I know exactly what you mean because I have also been through the same as a child (and it was mums 2nd marriage to stepdad) and it all dragged on for ages, with them shouting, screaming, arguing.

But funnily enough, that has made me try harder to make this work. I was soooo convinced I wouldn't make the same mistakes. I wouldn't marry the wrong man. I wouldn't end up divorced. Oh no, not me!!!

But oh yes, it is me

Dont worry, I have already forgotten sil and her whining. And ow is welcome to h and his shitty ways.

During this week, taking the dc out for days on my own has been good actually. I realised that I like myself more when h isn't around. We get along better and me and the dc are happier.

Thanks again Holy, your words have given me strength

stirling - cant remember how old your dcs are but please tell them what is going on sooner rather than later.

When my h left i had no choice but to tell them and i was a wreck. I told the school too. They were all fantastic about it. The children handled it in their own ways too. One became quiet, and one told pretty much anyone that would listen. But it gave them the choice to do what they needed. It may disrupt their school for a while but if they have the routine of school to take their minds off it it may help too - and they will have the support of their friends too.

My h then begged to come home (but unlike yours did not dither again after that), it took a lot of work but the children have also learnt that it is possible to forgive people too.

H broke their hearts too when he left - they had the usual fears that it was their fault ect. but i really dont think they have suffered any long term effects of it all.

The D word is scary - but doesnt have to be final for a while anyway - just get the ball rolling.

Dont you dare take any of the guilt of h taking redundancy - he made the choice to 'try and make it work with you' but failed by staying in contact - if he had no intention of cutting all ties he shouldnt have taken redundancy should he?

Stirling you are strong - now be the woman you want to from now on.

Hi HW, dc are ds9, dd7 and dd4.

I am sure ds9 will go quiet, dd7 will tell everyone. Not sure about dd4. She is just so happy all the time. I truly hope it doesn't bother her too much.

Stirling you poor thing, you sound like you have behaved impeccably throughout all of this.
I think that your DC are very lucky to have you.
My parents divorced when I was 10yrs and it was the rows between my Mom, Dad and later on Stepmom which upset and embarrass me. You sound so much more dignified and strong.
It is not surprising that you snapped at your SIL, go with the wise Aitch's plan.
Very un-mnly /

Not wanting to get into a row on your thread Stirling, so will just say in response to Greenelephant's post, that I suppose I always thought a 'whore' was someone for whom sex was a means to get money, didn't involve any kind of emotion in it, or meaning, etc etc

so it does upset me when people call all oW's that name - because some of them do love and care about the person they become involved with, and although their behaviour can't be described as moral, it is sometimes more a symptom of their incredibly low self esteem than an out and out attempt to cause maximum distress to others.

Saying that I am sure there are some oW's who are really nasty and don't give a stuff about anyone...perhaps this is one of them, you know her better than any of us.

Thanks all - We are off swimming now and then to Kelvingrove Museum in Glasgow. I feel strangely ok about all of this now.

Hope you all have a good day

(ps - I do understand the that people dont like the word "whore" but it was used in anger and I have yet to be convinced that ow has any redeeming qualities. Incidentally, I have used the word "bas*d" before and not only to people with questionable parentage!!)

Nice one