God, I am so angry, I am shaking.......

[StirlingTheStrong]

For those who dont know my story, here is a summary...

H started seeing ow 2 yrs ago now and told me about it in Nov 07. Since then it has been on and off again and I have tried to make our marriage work but gave up a few months ago and actually feel ok about it now.

We still live in the same house as h helps alot with dc as I have just started back at work so need the help.

One of his sisters, who incidentally is a bitch and has never liked me, has the ow as one of her friends on facebook. I sent her a message saying that I thought it was nice that she was friends with the whore and she got upset and demanded I apologise!! I have refused (quite rightly I feel).

In a few months time there is a big family party for h's 40th & their dads 70th and me and the dc were going but bitch sil has sent an email to h saying if that's how I feel about her friendship with ow then she suggests I dont go to party "with that mindset"!!!

I can see I am going to be cast as the evil one in all of this and it makes me so angry!!

ok, breathe, breathe.....

Sorry - I feel better already just ranting here. Thanks

funnily enough, i think the reason i dislike the use of the word whore so much is that it's disrespectful to prostitutes, many of whom fall into that job for tremendously sad reasons and who do (if you've met them) have an admirable sort of strength.

I must say a mistress is much lower in my eyes than any prostitute, if she knows about the real partner and children. Prostitutes don't become emotionally involved, a mistress can suck the life out of a family. A family that would befriend the other woman, I would stay away from on rhe grounds that they were betraying me and their nephews.

Any woman who allows herself to get involved with a married man is helping him emotionally destroy his children. I hate it when they say things like "we are meant to be together" and "I can't help my feelings". What a load of bull. People like this love their genitals so much that they will help to ruin a family and emotionally scar a child to get what they want.

Mistresses are lower than prostitutes and heroin addicts in my opinion.

Nice.

Good luck OP!

On another tack entirely...

I don't accept that it is hackneyed to say that the OW is not to blame. It is in fact hackneyed (and old fashioned) to say that women are responsible for men's sexual behavior.

I didn't say she is blameless - for all I know she layed seige to the guy and begged him to have an affair. But equally, for all I know she is like the poor woman on the other thread who found out by accident her adored DP was actually married.

It is pointless just to label all OW's as a whore. That means my mum is a whore (she started seeing my stepdad of 20 years when still married to my dad) and that various friends and family are also whores as they started having relationships with their current partners when still involved with their exes.

It is lazy imo to call women by hateful names such as whore, slag etc when these names simply have no equivalent for men. What do you call a man who sleeps with different women and enjoys it? I can't think of a vile abusive word for that. Yet these words exist for women and still get used routinely even in this age of equality.

Sorry, rant over.

There is no excuse whatsoever for a female who knows a man is married especially with children to still pursue the matter. It's vile, and the man is equally as vile. Yes women are equal,so we should be, but I wouldn't compare myself as equal to a woman who would go out of her way to destroy a marriage. There should be a word for male cheaters though, can't think of a single one,the words useless betraying disease ridden twat spring to mind.
I've never been cheated on, my partner is too attached to his private parts to risk it, but I've seen the grief it causes the real partner and the confusion of the children.

Thanks AM92 I shall take a look at the book.
Had a nice day yesterday, although h was there, but then, the dc loved that.

I do find him infuriating as we had this talk on Thurs night agreeing we need to separate. He then made a move on me to cuddle etc but I said no. Then when out yesterday with dc he kept wanting to hug!!

Dont worry - I know our marriage is dead but dont know what is going on in his head!!

Just an update - This seems to have brought everything to a head.

I think we will tell the dc today that "mummy and daddy dont want to be together anymore". I have been awake since 4:30 worring about it, and the future.

I feel sick and drained.

Everything will be ok, in the end. Your future will be better, once you have got over the initial trauma. It will take time, but you know in your heart of hearts you are doing the right thing. The children will be fine, they adapt so easily, and you as their mum can help them through, which I'm sure you'll do brilliantly.

hi STS

I've just read your story and all the posts. Just for my tuppence worth.

I totally agree with Pramspotter

I think the OW having pursued and got involved with a married man with children is essentially a selfish vile woman. You cant excuse that kind of behaviour when there are plenty of nice single men out there. She was very involved in breaking up your marriage, hurting your DC and was totally complicit. Your H is equally at fault as to do that shows he's essentially a selfish and vile man who broke his marriage vows & put his "happiness/ sexual wants" above his DC and wife. Clearly he and the OW deserve each other. Let's hope they both live in eternal insecurity.

You however are allowed to be cross and frustrated sometimes as you are human and have generally behaved with dignity. So what that you said something out loud that you were thinking in your head? I wouldnt apologise, just say "So what, i said out loud what I and most other people are thinking. Bite me. I'm th decent one here". You are the wronged party and so are the DC. I think his family know that and the wise ones among them would probably have thought that themselves.

This particular SIL sounds a bitch, not because she has "stayed friends" with the OW but because she was never welcoming to you anyway. I bet you she isnt as well liked in the family as you think. SIL is taking sides and stirring things up when a wise person would stay out of it and try to calm things down.

I definitely think trying to step back from H's life and how he lives it is a good plan for you. The less you know about it, the easier it is to just live in a decent world. He can make his own mistakes. And live with them. He will forever be a failure because he thought more of his genitals than his DC and his good wife. His genitals will not be as significant in the world as his DC. So in the scheme of things, this is all he will be remembered for - his rather indiscriminate willy. You however will have a lasting wonderful legacy in your DC and in your generally wise behaviour.

Thanks whereismumhiding - You are right, the ow sounds a vile and selfish person. The very fact that sil is friends with her says enough. I have never liked her or anyone she classes as a friend. They are usually weird people!

I shall just concentrate on me & dc now. I am so happy I have returned to work (albeit part-time) as it gets me out of the house and keeps me sane!

Thanks to all - shall update when the talk with the dc is done.

hi stirling
sorry to hear you are still going through all this crap (you do know me btw, I met you with ds and your dd at that playpark near stirling last year)
I must say that I kept a dignified silence through the whole thing, and do kinda regret it now. I have a massive sense of injustice about all this - that they can breadk up a family and get no comeback for it iyswim. I now really wish I had gone into h's work like a harpy and outed them to everyone, but tbh they all think he is a sad bastard anyway so it wasnt really necesary.
I really think your exsil KNOWS she is being a cow by being friends with her - ffs, being friends with the person who broke up your neice and nephews family?? I wouldnt worry about it, she KNOWS she is a whore, so you just made it clearer really . probably wasnt the best thing to do, but really after all you have been though, its not all that surprising is it.

on another note, I hve moved away, never see stbxh except when I handover ds, am getting a divorce, and am totally happy with my life (with some issues to sort out, but hey ho) . so, keep going, when you are living separately it will be SO much better...

Good luck stirling - hope it all goes ok - there are bound to be tears but i feel the longer you leave it the more your h will say that you have 'strung' him along and convince the dc of that fact. Stay strong, you know your marriage is dead and like i have said so often before any new relationship that you have will be on your terms now.

He wants to cuddle you as he doesnt want to be seen as the 'bad one' in all this. He will be able to 'blame' you as usual.
You are pushing him away, it is you that cant let it drop, it is you that wont believe him. He will say he wants to make a go of it he will any thing.... blah blah blah....

REmember you have nothing NOTHING to be ashamed of, you have not done anything wrong and you should be proud that you gave him every chance to end it with her and yet he just couldnt do that one thing for your marriage.

Let us know how it goes.

That is soooo weird ragged because that was my Dad's favourite book and at first I thought I was getting a message from the other side (he has been dead for 20+ yrs).

ps.I remember you and hope you and your lovely ds are ok.

I am just about to dish up dinner so shall return later.

Even though we are still together i too wish i had not been quite so dignified about it all, after all she owed me nothing but yet i felt i 'couldnt' ruin her life at work . Still try not to have too many regrets - mostly living a fantastic life - apart from the odd blip, so i do know that i am the better one after all.

I also know that i could live alone and could be happy and it is so empowering to know that in your heart.

wow that is pretty spooky stirling! I didnt realise anyone else had even HEARD of the book lol

Told dc on Sunday. Just told them we weren't getting on very well and that we weren't definitely separating but that it might happen.

Was a bit weird really as the 2 dd's didn't really take in what we were saying. I spoke to them both separately later and realised they had not really been listening. DD(7) cried quietly afterwards

DS(9) understood better and, as I thought, he is just quiet now. He did come to talk to me later and said that he and DD(7) would think of something fun for me and h to do together so that we would be friends again (I wanted to tell him that h has someone else to have fun with now, but I didn't).

I told H last night that I am not happy with this limbo state. I have lived through it for 16 months now and I dont want the dc to feel like I do for any length of time.

stirling i think you need to make sure your dc know that there is little hope and it IS because daddy has done some bad things. It is harsh but they really are stronger than you think. You dont have to protect him, he needs to know that one day they will have the right to know the truth. If you stay together however you will have to not let that 'bitterness' show - but i am sure you know that already.

I saw my parents stay together for the wrong reasons (i think for the sake of us children) and it was/is so damaging to watch. My parents lived their lives with little or no respect for each other and now they just exsist alongside each other. My mum is ill and my dad is her carer - i couldnt think of anything worse than being cared for by someone who didnt really love me for me - my dad is doing it out of duty only, certainly not love. It is so sad, and i vowed i would never be in a situation like it.

HW I know it is easy to allow these situations to carry on but I dont think it will indefinitely.

The problem is, if I ask him to leave now, I will have problems with smallest dd as she is still in nursery and he is collecting her at 11:30 each day. I dont finish work till 1:30. Also, if he leaves, he will go to his sisters which is 7 hrs drive away. I have no other family here because we moved here 8 yrs ago for h's job, but I am happy here and dont want to move.

Come August things will get easier when all 3 dc will be in full time school. Also, hopefully, h should have a job then so will be away most of the week.

I am not having a go at you stirling, i really do know how hard it is - just dont want you to end up with no way out.

One thing i have learned is to live for now - anything can happen in the future.

It is one area h and i still clash - he is a bit of a planner (and also very good at getting things done). In the past i have gone along with most of his dreams - but now i stop and think 'is this what is best for me now?' not in the future but now. I was also a bit of a worrier - where will the money come from ect - again now i tend to think 'well if all goes tits up at least i will have enjoyed x y z for a bit.

It is hard to be a different person - which i think i am sometimes now - but our relationship is much healthier too.

I just want you to get what you want now and i feel that you are still a bit scared of that.

I know you aren't having a go HW

Sometimes it is easy to just carry on as normal.

I am making plans for things in the summer without h. I do realise that I need to do alot more without him, if only to show him I can, and actually want to!

I am actually dreading telling my Mum everything - she has no idea that anything is wrong and now the dc know some of the problems I realise that she will have to be told something. I dont think I will tell her everything though - I can do without the hassle she will give me!

Thanks HW, as usual you have given me a few things to think about.

please tell your mum - she will probably be more supportive than you think.

You can do this and yes it is scary but you deserve it and remember you never asked for this, it was all his doing.