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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh just lost the plot

33 replies

tearyeyed · 15/04/2009 15:01

Dcs were squabbling as usual amd dh lost his temper big time. He was roaring, shouting and swearing so loudly. I tried to calm him down but he just went rampaginf about the house screaming. He has kicked in the banister upstairs and damaged a door.

The poor dcs were really scared and upset - so was I. I dashed out and put them in the car cos I was genuinley scared for them. He cooled off and was really apologetic to us etc.

I feel sick now, have never seen him lose it like this before. He is not violent and has been v. patient up until now. I feel so shitty that my poor dcs witnessed this from their father. What can I do?

OP posts:
Wizzska · 15/04/2009 15:13

I'm sorry, I don't know what to advise but just wanted to give you a bit of support.

Has your DH ever shown tendencies towards this kind of behaviour before? You say he's not lost it like this before, but has he ever done it to a lesser extent? Is he stressed or worried about something?

It all sounds a bit scary.

FioFio · 15/04/2009 15:14

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Original poster
tearyeyed · 15/04/2009 15:19

Thanks. He is normally lovely but does have a bit of a temper. I know the dcs have been pushing him with their constant fighting but that's no excuse.

I think his father was like this when they were growing up and I feel like it might be always there lurking in his subconscious, but he tries to supress it iyswim?

Din't know how to handle this with him...he's lying on the sofa with dd now trying to make it up with her. How can I trust that he won't do this again, or worse?

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FioFio · 15/04/2009 15:21

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dizzydixies · 15/04/2009 15:22

you can't, you just have to either accept the fact that he's sorry and is going to keep his temper under control or get him to go to his GP for counselling/anger management or something

I'm the one most likely to loose my temper in this house and DH knows its when I'm at my most stressed/tired/over wraught and tries to give me some time to get passed it

if he is having to surpress it then its time to find an outlet like sports/gardening etc to use up some energy and calm

FioFio · 15/04/2009 15:23

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Original poster
tearyeyed · 15/04/2009 15:27

after I grabbed his arms to stop him screaming at already upset dd he left the room. No hitting.

I just can't comprehend such anger and aggression. If the neighbours had have been in I am sure the police would have been called! He was up there kicking lumps out of the house and shouting. Horrible.

Feel like I want to get away at the moment.

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Original poster
tearyeyed · 15/04/2009 15:27

oh, the dcs are 4 and 2.

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Original poster
tearyeyed · 15/04/2009 15:28

oh, the dcs are 4 and 2. he has done it to a much lesser extent in the past yes.

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HappyWoman · 15/04/2009 16:25

If he is truly sorry and wants to do all he can to make sure he will not do it again, then you have to trust him. Will he talk and say why he was so angry?

There is no excuse - but i have in the past lost the plot a bit, and shouted and got angry. I have even seen the red mist (which i didnt believe existed - and was really scared at how it made me act).

I think if the dcs learn that we all lose our tempers - but we can also forgive there is not too much harm done.

But if you really fear it could happen again then you must do what you need to protect yourself and the dc.

BlingDreaming · 15/04/2009 16:36

Unless it's a pattern of behaviour, I think you need to just accept his apology and move on. It's never good to watch someone lose it like that but if this was a once off I think you should let it go.

If it's a pattern howver, then you should be asking him to seek anger management counselling. Or even just regular counselling.

FioFio · 15/04/2009 16:41

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Original poster
tearyeyed · 15/04/2009 16:44

Thanks for the advice. He has gone to go and get something to try and repair the damage now. I might suggest some sort of anger management or something because I fear it could repeat itself at some point. As I have said - I reckon he invests a good deal of time actively trying to curb his temper and I do sometimes feel myself treading on eggshells because of this.

I don't want the dc to grow up with anger problems. Dd has been displaying awful fits of rage recently.

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Original poster
tearyeyed · 15/04/2009 16:46

Fio - yep he's been off work for nearly a week.

I think he's plodding on at work. He did have some issues recently, but we talked through them and I think there's a status Quo at the moment.

It's really good to be able to get it off my chest, thank you. This is helping me a lot.

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mayorquimby · 15/04/2009 16:47

"I reckon he invests a good deal of time actively trying to curb his temper and I do sometimes feel myself treading on eggshells because of this."

if that's really the case then he really needs to find an outlet. as it's not fair on himself to try and bottle up anger with no release, and it's certainly not fair on you or the kids to then bare the brunt of it when he does finally boil over.
is he/was he ever athletic? if so then something as simple as a weights bench or punching bag in the garage might help or joining a sports team.

BlingDreaming · 15/04/2009 16:55

Also, if he's bottling anger, is that because he can't express irritation? It seems to me a lot of people who explode are the kind who can't say, "ffs, stop hassling me about the washing" or whatever. They have constant things that irritate them or that they feel are bad but they don't feel they can express it and then it bursts out of them inappropriately down the line.

And normally, the family of that person still feel the irritation, even if that person is trying really hard to keep it in, so really, just expressing it in the first place would be better.

Original poster
tearyeyed · 15/04/2009 17:01

He did play sports etc wheb he was younger but it's fair to say he could probably do with having something physical to do apart form chasing after the dcs!

Apart from that I think there are deep seated issues involving his fathers attitude towards him too.

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FioFio · 15/04/2009 17:12

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Original poster
tearyeyed · 15/04/2009 17:18

Yes he does have a bike. I think some sort of counselling could be beneficial but convincing a man of this is another matter altogether!

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FioFio · 15/04/2009 17:21

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GypsyMoth · 15/04/2009 18:33

Show him the damage upstairs.......then tell him firmly, he needs help!! Have your DC seen this damage? That is what I would find worrying, along with this pattern of behaviour.........he's just upped it a level hasn't he?!?

Original poster
tearyeyed · 15/04/2009 19:14

That's exactly it; they have seen the damage and dh had admitted to them that he was wrong etc.

Going to have a serious talk after dcs bedtime. Think he thinks an apology will do, when I really want action!

he keeps going on about dd's aggression as though the fact that she 'triggered' his outburst is more of an issue than his own behaviour. Oh the irony...

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Doodle2U · 15/04/2009 19:18

I feel for him - when 4 and 2 year olds go on and on and on and on and on ....the best of us explode occasionally.

The children are young but not that young to realise they sent an adult into 'one' - well, the 4 year old certainly will have an idea.

Original poster
tearyeyed · 15/04/2009 19:20

I agree doodle; I'm no saint myself but this was scary anger.

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GypsyMoth · 15/04/2009 19:22

So he's blami g what he did on the fact his dd was aggressive? How old is she?? I know you mentioned ages earlier, very young I think. He will find them more of a trial as they get older, as I'm sure plenty of posters here will verify!!!

At age 2 my dd was a very wilfull child .....her dad, my ex, just clashed with herall the time. By time she was 6 I had to leave or he would've killed her, or killed me trying to stop him!! No joke!!!

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